So why the hell do people get married?

[Tony T]

I didn't want to hijack another thread, which is excellent, so I'm carrying my question over here. First, please skim the referenced thread here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t134970/ . My observations are very similar to the ones in this thread.

 

So if marriage often changes who we are and, in many cases, makes us miserable: Why the hell do people get married? Why would they subject themselves to this? Are we saying that the biological urge to procreate trumps our need to be happy?

[Tyra]

Some people get married because they feel as though they are getting older,and its time to settle down. Some people get married to not have pre-marital sex. And in some cases, people get married to start families, cause they don't want to have children out of wedlock. These are just my ideas.

[Tony T]

Some people get married because they feel as though they are getting older,and its time to settle down. Some people get married to not have pre-marital sex. And in some cases, people get married to start families, cause they don't want to have children out of wedlock. These are just my ideas.

 

What I meant was why do people get married considering all the comments in the other thread. But you have made some obvious and valid points. Thank you!

[Lyssa]

So if marriage often changes who we are and, in many cases, makes us miserable: Why the hell do people get married? Why would they subject themselves to this? Are we saying that the biological urge to procreate trumps our need to be happy?

 

I don't know if that is true about marriage often changes who we are. I don't really have a say in that because I am not married but from what I have observed, none of my brothers have changed since they got married. My sisters-in-law, 2 out of 3 of them have changed but to better people. My parents as I have asked before several times said nothing has changed except their love for one another which is stronger.

 

My brothers still do whatever they want and so do my SIL. It's either one does his/her own things or they do something together. I don't see any changes at all in their behaviours whatsoever. They are still like they were before getting married.

 

I have never liked the idea of getting married, especially after reading several threads of marriages that are not working out so well but I have my brothers'/parents' marriages an example that you can be happy in a marriage. A happy marriage takes a lot of hard work and I can see that my family members work hard at keeping it happy. I can also tell it's all worth it.

 

People get married for a lot of reasons. As for Asians, most of them get married because they want to avoid pre-marital sex. Some get married because they feel it's about time and they are tired of searching for THE ONE so they just settle for whoever that's there in front of them. So many reasons and some can be very selfish reasons which can cause unhappy marriages.

 

I know for a fact that I would take my time in getting married. I do not want to just settle down for the sake of settling down.

[marlena]

I know for a fact that I would take my time in getting married. I do not want to just settle down for the sake of settling down.

 

Lyssa,

You would be doing the right thing. Most of the people I know who are unhappy in their marriages are peple who married for wrong reasons - people who were not right for each other from thw word go.

 

One couple comes to mind. She was 36 at the time and freshly divorced. She wanted to have a family desperately as she thought she was running out of time. She married the first person she met and had a relationship with right after her divorce.

 

I married some one who was all wrong for me because I was young and stupid and thought being in love was enough. Sadly, it wasn't.

 

I know of another woman who was just lonely.

 

Maybe that's the answer. Looking deep and hard and making sure we are not settling but are indeed marrying some one is right for us...someone who will not destroy our identity but complement it.

[OpenBook]

So if marriage often changes who we are and, in many cases, makes us miserable: Why the hell do people get married? Why would they subject themselves to this?

 

I think most couples go into it thinking they'll be the exception. I think though, typically, historically, men tend to marry in order to get sex on a regular basis with a partner who will sleep only with them (translation: ownership), while women marry for security (translation: ownership as well). Societal pressure also has a huge impact on people's decision to marry. Married people automatically get more respect, and are seen as more stable, than singletons.

 

I wonder how Ben Franklin pulled it off...

 

Of course, to the outside world the couple has found their TRUE LOVE and that's why they're getting married. It's unsettling to wonder how many people out there -- both men and women -- convince themselves that they're in love with their GF/BF when they decide to get married... when all it really is, is pressure from society... and a desire to "own" another person. That's slavery, in my book.

[amaysngrace]

People get married because they have the proper amount of love, respect and communication with each other and choose to build a life together.

 

The ones who don't fail their marriages. Because it eventually becomes unsatisfying.

[marlena]

Societal pressure also has a huge impact on people's decision to marry. Married people automatically get more respect, and are seen as more stable, than singletons.

 

 

Lyssa,

Your absolutely right of course. Society does not endorse singlehood. even in this day and age, many people look upon being single as a disease. They think something must be terribly worng for that person to continue to single. What of course is terribly wrong is their way of thinking. I agree . People marry for all the wrong reasons- societal pressure being a very big one, indeed. Then, there's fear of loneliness, financial insecurity, the desire to have a family, the desire to do what is socially acceptable, misconstruing lust for love and on and on it goes.

 

It indeed takes a very strong and mature person not to give in to this kind of pressure or delusion.

[Lyssa]

Lyssa,

You would be doing the right thing. Most of the people I know who are unhappy in their marriages are peple who married for wrong reasons - people who were not right for each other from thw word go.

 

Thanks for saying that. I just don't want to end up having a short term marriage. My 2nd brother's first marriage ended after 3 years, his xW cheated on him. He never gave up on love and found a woman that he loves more than he did his first wife. They have been happily married after 6 years now. I sure hope it stays that way. I really look up and respect all my brothers' marriages, of course my parents too.

 

One couple comes to mind. She was 36 at the time and freshly divorced. She wanted to have a family desperately as she thought she was running out of time. She married the first person she met and had a relationship with right after her divorce.

 

I married some one who was all wrong for me because I was young and stupid and thought being in love was enough. Sadly, it wasn't.

 

I know of another woman who was just lonely.

 

Maybe that's the answer. Looking deep and hard and making sure we are not settling but are indeed marrying some one is right for us...someone who will not destroy our identity but complement it.

 

See, those are what I want to avoid. Marry someone and then divorced and straight away get into another marriage. A friend of mine got married at the age of 25, divorced a year later because she met someone better. Turned out the better guy didn't want to convert and marry her. Marriage changed her. Divorce changed her.

 

I have only started to think about marriage recently. My BF has something to do with it but I told him, I need some time to think more about this. I do not want to jump in and then realise that marriage is the last thing I want. Thank goodness he has been married before so he actually understands my need to wait and see how things go.

 

I don't think a marriage should change anyone. I believe that if it does change a couple, it should change them for the better.

[amaysngrace]

I don't think a marriage should change anyone. I believe that if it does change a couple, it should change them for the better.

 

The same could be said about any relationship we have really. Regardless of marriage.

 

I think too many times people hope to find something better than their bad relationship when entering marriage. It doesn't work like that.

 

It only gets better if the relationship is good. Really good.

[Lyssa]

The same could be said about any relationship we have really. Regardless of marriage.

 

I think too many times people hope to find something better than their bad relationship when entering marriage. It doesn't work like that.

 

It only gets better if the relationship is good. Really good.

 

So true. My current relationship is so different than the rest. That is why I want to take my time. Figure out more. If it could still be the same when I get married... that would be great. I know it will take a lot of hard work though.

[bigheartkindsoul]

There are people that clearly are not very happy with themselves within a marriage, possibliy lacking with love, passion, fun, respect. Who crave attention from opp sex, miss flirting, miss feeling special like when they were dating and somehow cannot find it within themselves to attempt to spice things up with their current to get these feelings and yearns back.

 

If I marry it will be with LT in mind, and I would def keep the fires burning nicely with hope that the OP would do the same.

[Woggle]

Marriage amplifies the state of the relationship beforehand. If it is a good relationship it will be better and if it is a bad relationship it will be worse. It should be the cherry on top of the sundae to an already good relationship.

[amaysngrace]

I think it primarily has to do with how it makes you feel.

 

If you look at it like "OMG this is IT for the rest of my life!" then it's much different than "I can't believe I am married to you. I am the luckiest person alive"

 

My marriage was more of the former than the latter.

[marlena]

Lyssa,

 

It's nice you are taking your time. Divorce is hard. I am with Woggle 100%. The best indicator for future behavior is present behavior. If there is trouble in the relationship, there will be more trouble in the marriage. Never ever marry someone you don't have a good realtionship with right from the start. Marriage never ever solved any problems, just added more. The decision to marry should be one that is taken when the relationship is built on a strong, solid foundation.... one that can weather many, many trials and tribulations.

[Lyssa]

Yes, I agree with Woggle and you, Marlena. I'm happy with the way I am and my relationship is going for now. We both talk a lot about what we want in a marriage and how to make it work. Like I said, I hope when that actually happens - we can still talk about anything and everything. Work things out together. My parents went through A LOT together and they make it work somehow. I want that so much but at the same time, am afraid of it!

 

All those questions.. what if something can't be worked out? What if I'm not the one for him? What if I'm not a good W? Oh well, only time will tell.

[marlena]

Lyssa,

Listen to the messages you are getting now. Watch for signs or red flags as they call them. So far, you sound content with your boyfriend. Give it time and the real picture will unfold. You sound like you have a good head on yourshoulders so I'm sure you'll do what's best.

[Cobra_X30]

All those questions.. what if something can't be worked out? What if I'm not the one for him? What if I'm not a good W? Oh well, only time will tell.

 

As long as he looks at you every day and thinks 'I'm the luckiest guy on earth', and you look at him and think the same... anything can be worked out!

 

With appreciation and respect you cannot fail!

[sb129]

People get married because they have the proper amount of love, respect and communication with each other and choose to build a life together.

 

The ones who don't fail their marriages. Because it eventually becomes unsatisfying.

 

I hope I fall into the first category.

 

Marriage amplifies the state of the relationship beforehand. If it is a good relationship it will be better and if it is a bad relationship it will be worse. It should be the cherry on top of the sundae to an already good relationship.

 

Well thats good to hear. As you all know, Wonderboy and I recently got engaged, and we had a little celebration last night with friends.

I was discussing it with my good friends, and without exception they all say I have become a much calmer nicer person since I have been with WB, and the fact that they are all so happy for us is a great indicator to me that we are making the right decision. If I had gotten engaged to my exBF, I doubt the reaction from friends and family would have been the same.

 

I also feel that us getting married is just a natural progression, it feels normal and right, and the focus is on us being together, and not "the wedding". We definitely won't be having an OTT wedding, and I am under no illusions that marriage is going to be a smooth ride the whole way. We are just beginning our journey though, and I hope its a good one.

 

Reading various opinions on here is great though. Good to get various perspectives.

[Lyssa]

Lyssa,

Listen to the messages you are getting now. Watch for signs or red flags as they call them. So far, you sound content with your boyfriend. Give it time and the real picture will unfold. You sound like you have a good head on yourshoulders so I'm sure you'll do what's best.

 

Thanks and I will look out for that. I have been here quite enough to know how to watch for the red flags.. heck, I have my 2nd brother to point it out to me!

 

As long as he looks at you every day and thinks 'I'm the luckiest guy on earth', and you look at him and think the same... anything can be worked out!

 

With appreciation and respect you cannot fail!

 

I think if he was nearer, we'd be doing just that! Thanks, Cobra!

[marlena]

I have been here quite enough to know how to watch for the red flags..

 

yeah, wish LS had been around when I was your age! Would have saved me alot of heartache, LOL!!!!

[Letranger]

I don't know if this applies, and forgive me if I mispost because I am new here, but someone close to me sent me this about what you should feel when you are in love. For what its worth:

 

--------------------------------------

Do want to know what it is to be in love? I tell you what: I think it's different for everybody. I think everyone has their own definition. I can only tell you what I discovered for myself. I can only tell you what I wish was told to me when I thought I fell for someone.

 

WHAT IT IS NOT TO ME...

 

I know Love is NOT there just because you have been with someone for so long. If you are not feeling 'it' then, then you are never going to feel it.

 

Trust me.

 

And if you felt 'it' before, and it's gone. Chances are, 'it's' never coming back.

Sure, you heard stories about 'falling in love all over again'. But I think those people are in denial. And those are dice I do not want to roll.

 

I know Love is NOT just being comfortable with someone. That's called friendship.

 

I know Love is NOT long history with someone. That's practically everyone I know in my address book.

 

I know Love is NOT being with someone that everyone else approves of. If I am making others happy, I'm forgetting about the only person that should be made happy. Everyone else will get over it if they don't like who I choose to Love.

 

In fact, I don't want to 'choose'. I think I know what Love is for me.

 

WHAT IT IS TO ME...

 

Love to me is like a fire that I step into and just ignites the fiber of my being and I cannot put it out. Nor do I want to. It's just something burning me, encompassing me, and it's not by choice.

 

Love to me is when that person is in your head involuntarily many times throughout the day, and makes everything you are doing without them second priority. No matter how you enjoy your job or whatever you are doing, you just want to be with them when it's all said and done.

 

Love to me is waking up and thinking of that someone. And when I think my soul flutters. When I walk down the street that person is there, in my head, and I flutter. I know its Love for me when I think of that person, everyday, and happy to do so. And I have yearning to be with that person.

 

Love to me is when every imperfection of that person is not an imperfection, but THEM. It's part of who they are, like the wing pattern of a species of butterflies: It may look like nothing to the untrained eye, but to one that cares it is what makes them THEM. All their imperfections becomes uniqueness. And their uniqueness becomes their beauty.

 

Love to me is being able to verbally fight with that person but never a moment of respect or desire for that person. Grudges simply do not apply.

 

Love enhances passion for that person. Everything about them turns you on: voice, smell, posture, their laughter, beliefs, thoughts.

 

Love to me is when you can just 'talk' that person, without fear of judgment or criticism, knowing you will get full benefit of the doubt if something off is spoken. And when you do talk, you know that all will be kept in confidence.

 

Love to me is when you no longer feel the need to speak to impress, but just speak without filter. Or just listen.

 

Love to me is when you truly enjoy the most oddest things about that person that you never thought about before, like how they pronounce a certain word, or their dislike for a particular song. Things that really don't make sense.

 

WHEN...

When you can age them in your head and see yourself with them when they are old and gray, to me that is Love.

 

When that person of interest can lose everything that defines them now, and you wouldn't flinch, to me that is Love.

 

When you make them laugh so hard that it fills you with such satisfaction that you are speechless, that is Love.

 

When you can let that person go if they chose to. When you can fight the wrath of rejection and put it away for their sake, because your only concern is that they find happiness, even if it is without you.

 

When you hear a song and you relate it to them.

 

When you simply want to show that person off to the world like they are the most wonderful being on the planet and fully expressing 'This person is with me." and not caring a bit about what people think. Because in fact you don't need anyone else but that person.

 

When you don't want to change anything about that person, and just remain the same person that they are, to me that is Love.

 

And when that person feels the same way about you, that's when you know you found the right person to settle with.

 

And I'm not going to settle for anything less.

 

Because anything less will prevent me from being with the person stated above.

And that is almost unbearable.

Almost, because the most important person to Love is yourself.

---------------

I won't post the author because I don't know if they want credit.

But, for what its worth....

[reboot]

Love to me is like a fire that I step into and just ignites the fiber of my being and I cannot put it out. Nor do I want to. It's just something burning me, encompassing me, and it's not by choice.

 

Love to me is when that person is in your head involuntarily many times throughout the day, and makes everything you are doing without them second priority. No matter how you enjoy your job or whatever you are doing, you just want to be with them when it's all said and done.

 

Love to me is waking up and thinking of that someone. And when I think my soul flutters. When I walk down the street that person is there, in my head, and I flutter. I know its Love for me when I think of that person, everyday, and happy to do so. And I have yearning to be with that person.

 

Love to me is when every imperfection of that person is not an imperfection, but THEM. It's part of who they are, like the wing pattern of a species of butterflies: It may look like nothing to the untrained eye, but to one that cares it is what makes them THEM. All their imperfections becomes uniqueness. And their uniqueness becomes their beauty.

 

Love to me is being able to verbally fight with that person but never a moment of respect or desire for that person. Grudges simply do not apply.

 

Love enhances passion for that person. Everything about them turns you on: voice, smell, posture, their laughter, beliefs, thoughts.

 

Love to me is when you can just 'talk' that person, without fear of judgment or criticism, knowing you will get full benefit of the doubt if something off is spoken. And when you do talk, you know that all will be kept in confidence.

 

Love to me is when you no longer feel the need to speak to impress, but just speak without filter. Or just listen.

 

Love to me is when you truly enjoy the most oddest things about that person that you never thought about before, like how they pronounce a certain word, or their dislike for a particular song. Things that really don't make sense.

Most of this describes infatuation, not love. If this is love, we would all have to swap partners every couple of years or so.

[Letranger]

Most of this describes infatuation, not love. If this is love, we would all have to swap partners every couple of years or so.

 

Well, what is infatuation to YOU is not to the original poster. It is what is love to her.

Did you have trouble comprehending it? Try reading it again.

[Curmudgeon]

So if marriage often changes who we are and, in many cases, makes us miserable: Why the hell do people get married? Why would they subject themselves to this? Are we saying that the biological urge to procreate trumps our need to be happy?

 

People do change after they've been married awhile. Their approaches, attitudes and values knit together and they begin to take on some of the characteristics of one another. If they're whole going into the marriage, they remain whole throughout the marriage and it becomes a blending, not a capitulation on eithers' part. That's what I refer to as mutuality.

 

Perhaps people get married because just as some statistically become miserable, others thrive in a close, loving, compatible, committed relationship. In my wife's and my case (we just celebrated our 11th anniversary two days ago) we enhance one another, just as we did as former coworkers and, more importantly, as friends.

 

Procreation was not an option, nor was it a desire. Amazingly enough, we're still happy!