Steffie575 Posted November 4, 2007 Posted November 4, 2007 My birthday is on Wednesday...November 7th. I've been able to abstain from trying to contact my ex for a few weeks now on the SOLE thought that if I keep on pretending like I'm ok without him he will have the urge to call me on my birthday. My hopes are SO high....for some reason. In my sick mind I picture him calling me, telling me he broke up with his new girlfriend (who he started dating a month after the breakup of our 6 year relationship) and professing his love for me on my birthday. So sad....he used to make me sweet birthday presents....god, this SUCKS. Ive written the whole thing repeatedly over and over on here and I thought all the advice would help me but....eh. The advice is great and I appreciate it all..but I havent seemed to move on in the LEAST yet. Could his new girlfriend be the real deal? Are relationships formed so quickly after a long term relationship always doomed to fail?? Please tell me yes. I just keep picturing somehow hearing about them getting married or something..jesus. I do think I am idealizing my ex, obviously. So many times in our past I have wished to be apart from him to experience being single for awhile...now I hate it. I never thought he could "move on" so ****ing quickly. I dont care if its whiny or pathetic..I keep listening to the saddest songs when I should be listening to upbeat songs, on purpose. Im killin myself. This is gonna be a sad birthday.....
Ocean-Blue Posted November 4, 2007 Posted November 4, 2007 My birthday is on Wednesday...November 7th. I've been able to abstain from trying to contact my ex for a few weeks now on the SOLE thought that if I keep on pretending like I'm ok without him he will have the urge to call me on my birthday. My hopes are SO high....for some reason. In my sick mind I picture him calling me, telling me he broke up with his new girlfriend (who he started dating a month after the breakup of our 6 year relationship) and professing his love for me on my birthday. So sad....he used to make me sweet birthday presents....god, this SUCKS. Ive written the whole thing repeatedly over and over on here and I thought all the advice would help me but....eh. The advice is great and I appreciate it all..but I havent seemed to move on in the LEAST yet. Could his new girlfriend be the real deal? Are relationships formed so quickly after a long term relationship always doomed to fail?? Please tell me yes. I just keep picturing somehow hearing about them getting married or something..jesus. I do think I am idealizing my ex, obviously. So many times in our past I have wished to be apart from him to experience being single for awhile...now I hate it. I never thought he could "move on" so ****ing quickly. I dont care if its whiny or pathetic..I keep listening to the saddest songs when I should be listening to upbeat songs, on purpose. Im killin myself. This is gonna be a sad birthday..... I'm guessing that others here have told you to try your best to move on. I'd suggest the same. I left my ex after being in a REALLY LTR. I began dating my bf a lot quicker than your ex began dating his gf. I can tell you, sometimes things do work out with the new person. I know that's not what you want to hear, but it does happen. Don't hold out hope that he'll come back to you. Assume that things are fine with them and MOVE ON. Maybe he'll come back to you, maybe he won't. It's possible, but is it probable?
kittensmittens Posted November 4, 2007 Posted November 4, 2007 My birthday is on Wednesday...November 7th. I've been able to abstain from trying to contact my ex for a few weeks now on the SOLE thought that if I keep on pretending like I'm ok without him he will have the urge to call me on my birthday. My hopes are SO high....for some reason. In my sick mind I picture him calling me, telling me he broke up with his new girlfriend (who he started dating a month after the breakup of our 6 year relationship) and professing his love for me on my birthday. So sad....he used to make me sweet birthday presents....god, this SUCKS. Steffie, I know all too well how you're feeling. I'm in the SAME boat. My birthday is in just under a month after yours and I've been holding out the same kinds of hopes. I've been sitting around hoping the reason he hasn't called at the end of each day that goes by is b/c he's holding out for my birthday. I've been telling myself he misses me but isn't calling....and then on my birthday he'll cave because he'll be reminded of me too much. Well, I have become more firmly convinced lately that he is with someone new now and that my hopes will not be fulfilled. I still hope he'll leave her. I still hope he'll call me on my birthday and tell me he misses me or something along those lines. Most likely it won't happen and I have to be prepared for that. But just know that you're not the only one feeling forgotten and replaced. I know it only helps a smidgen w/ the heartache....if even that much.....but I do know JUST how you feel. We were together for 4 years and I suspect he started seeing her 2 weeks after trying to come back to me (long story). And he used to make me the sweetest birthday presents too. It's pretty ****ing rough. Could his new girlfriend be the real deal? Are relationships formed so quickly after a long term relationship always doomed to fail?? Please tell me yes. I just keep picturing somehow hearing about them getting married or something..jesus. I do think I am idealizing my ex, obviously. So many times in our past I have wished to be apart from him to experience being single for awhile...now I hate it. I never thought he could "move on" so ****ing quickly. Again, I know just how you feel. I have all these same thoughts. I have all the same questions, all the same dread, all the same disbelief at his ability to move on so fast, and I too am still idealizing him quite a bit. I try to remember the bad (some of it is pretty bad too) and, still, only the good comes to the surface. It's torture. It's odd that you posted this so recently b/c I was JUST talking my friend and she was reassuring me that what he's doing is ridiculous....no one forms a serious relationship that quickly and it's obviously just a rebound thing. She could have been saying it for my benefit, of course, but she seemed pretty sure of herself and she's been through a lot of relationships. So...I just trusted what she was saying and took comfort....as warped as that may be. I don't know if it means anything to you but that's the only answer I've got.
funkybassplayer Posted November 4, 2007 Posted November 4, 2007 I know how you guys feel. My ex replaced me after a week, and this hurt me so deep, after nearly 2 years of me being their for her and her 3 kids and looking after them, after then her crying to stay freinds, and i did want to, after everyhing she meets a new guy after a week, and says how wonderful he was, it seems everything i was nt, but i was heartbroke, not only cos of her but the 3 kids that i loved so much, and brought up like my own. She said i cant keep in touch with her. I did my very hardest to stay away, anyway 4 months on new guy emailed me, said i called him, i never i dont even know him, and a month agao, i saw her back on the daitng site. I felt sad for her, cos i do want her to be happy, but seeing her back on the site, i guess made me realise that her life was full of drama and hurt. Im trying to reconnect slowly to be friends again, and to let her know that i wasnt glad that its not or has not worked, but when we broke up, i made a promise that i would always be there for her, and that still holds, even though im moved on, i would love to be friends again. Who knows maybe 1 day. But for now, you have to let him go, as it will or will not work, but in the meantime, look after yourself, and improve yourself, cos if they come back even as a freind, or/and if you meet someone new, you also a new person, and not the one they left. Be strong, you cant change the life process, but you can use it to better yourself and learn from it.
Author Steffie575 Posted November 5, 2007 Author Posted November 5, 2007 Steffie, I know all too well how you're feeling. I'm in the SAME boat. My birthday is in just under a month after yours and I've been holding out the same kinds of hopes. I've been sitting around hoping the reason he hasn't called at the end of each day that goes by is b/c he's holding out for my birthday. I've been telling myself he misses me but isn't calling....and then on my birthday he'll cave because he'll be reminded of me too much. Well, I have become more firmly convinced lately that he is with someone new now and that my hopes will not be fulfilled. I still hope he'll leave her. I still hope he'll call me on my birthday and tell me he misses me or something along those lines. Most likely it won't happen and I have to be prepared for that. But just know that you're not the only one feeling forgotten and replaced. I know it only helps a smidgen w/ the heartache....if even that much.....but I do know JUST how you feel. We were together for 4 years and I suspect he started seeing her 2 weeks after trying to come back to me (long story). And he used to make me the sweetest birthday presents too. It's pretty ****ing rough. Again, I know just how you feel. I have all these same thoughts. I have all the same questions, all the same dread, all the same disbelief at his ability to move on so fast, and I too am still idealizing him quite a bit. I try to remember the bad (some of it is pretty bad too) and, still, only the good comes to the surface. It's torture. It's odd that you posted this so recently b/c I was JUST talking my friend and she was reassuring me that what he's doing is ridiculous....no one forms a serious relationship that quickly and it's obviously just a rebound thing. She could have been saying it for my benefit, of course, but she seemed pretty sure of herself and she's been through a lot of relationships. So...I just trusted what she was saying and took comfort....as warped as that may be. I don't know if it means anything to you but that's the only answer I've got. Wow, thats crazy how similar our situations are. I also tell myself the same thing at the end of the day when he doesnt call...i make myself be strong and not try to contact him all the wile thinking that if I stick to my guns he will call me on my bday. If he doesnt call me on my bday I dont know how I will be able to handle my sadness. I wont even have any hope for us anymore. It sucks SO BAD to be replaced. Like, how ****ing great is his new gf that just POOF im gone from his heart?? Picturing the bad hasnt helped me even thought I wish it would. (and we also have some pretty bad stuff) All I can picture are the things we planned for our future together that now I cant help but picture him doing with her. Worse, picturing that he WANTS to do that stuff with her. We were together 6 yrs; we were talking marriage. Good luck to you and Im truly sorry that you know how I feel. Thanks for taking the time to respond....it really made me feel better to know im not alone.
MattyTee Posted November 5, 2007 Posted November 5, 2007 I guess it's not all that uncommon then. My ex and I were together nearly 8 years and she was on a dating site three weeks after the break up. She's now met someone she likes. Just keep doing things day-by-day. Remember to smile now and then and focus on you
kittensmittens Posted November 5, 2007 Posted November 5, 2007 Wow, thats crazy how similar our situations are. It really is....it makes me think either these people who move on so quick are just heartless bastards or they've already started moving on long before the breakup. Neither of those options really makes me feel much better. The first option makes me concerned for humanity in general, since, as Matty said, it's not terribly uncommon. And the 2nd option makes me feel like it's my fault...I should have kept him interested, I should have been different, it could have been reversed before the breakup occurred. Maybe that's silly...but it just feels that way to me. I dunno.....I prefer to think he's just a jerk and I'm better off....but now I don't want the next guy to have broken up w/ his gf of 12 years or whatever, 2 weeks before dating me! Maybe we should screen people..."have you been in a LTR in under 5 months ago? You have? Well, there's the door". Maybe that's the way to avoid this happening to us again.... At any rate, I still haven't fully accepted it on a subconcious level, but in my heart of hearts, I know he's not calling on my birthday now that he has her. It's completley heartbreaking--all over again--to realize this, and I feel like I don't even want my birthday....I just want to sleep right through it. I am also dreading christmas. I absolutely loved shopping for him and having him here each year brought some special magic back to the holiday season that had been missing since I was a child. It's going to feel so empty this year.
cant let go Posted November 5, 2007 Posted November 5, 2007 AMEN on the "how do i cope with christmas." I keep thinking about how I won't be with him and won't see his family. This leads me to...will he be bringing her around? How will his family take to her? Will they like her more than me? My ex moved on the NEXT DAY after breaking up with me. But I believe he had already developed an interest in this girl long before he broke it off with me. He was always talking to her, and talking about her, and calling her to invite her out if we were with our friends. I never thought anything of it because I trusted him and I knew her. She was in an off-again-on-again relationship that kept crushing her. I have a theory that my ex felt like he could heal her pain and in the process he stopped working on our relationship. I do however believe he did these things subconsciously and never with the intent to hurt me. Just like those of you waiting for your ex to call on your birthday, I am kinda wishing that my ex would call me and wish me luck on my exam tomorrow. But my ex always keeps so many people around him to keep him occupied that I know that he surely doesn't even think about me to miss me. And with a new girl to focus on, he really couldn't be bothered. Augh.
MattyTee Posted November 5, 2007 Posted November 5, 2007 I know it's not the same ... but good luck tomorrow! My birthday is coming up soon as well. I guess I know deep down I shall hear nothing. Meh, Bah and Bum!
cant let go Posted November 5, 2007 Posted November 5, 2007 wow. i just posted the above and then closed LS for the night. I decided to read Matty's latest blog entry and as I'm absorbed by his emotions I hear it. "Message from [insert my ex's name here] beep beep beep." It was my cell phone. He just sent me a text message. My heart fell to my gut as I flipped open the phone to read it. "Good luck guys! I'm sure you'll crush it!" I'm glad that he remembered to send me wishes of good luck. However, he sent the message to more than just me. There is no way for me to tell who else he sent the message to, but he said "guys" so I know that it wasn't a personal message. He is the type to usually call someone rather than text message, but alas. He is no longer mine. I better sleep now so that I can concentrate tomorrow. Sigh.
cant let go Posted November 5, 2007 Posted November 5, 2007 Thanks Matty. haha...i just tried to post this and it told me i had to wait 6 seconds because you have to wait 60 seconds in between posts...
MattyTee Posted November 5, 2007 Posted November 5, 2007 Yeah sorry about those emotions, I do tend to let them go a bit
AriaIncognito Posted November 5, 2007 Posted November 5, 2007 Sorry you're feeling this way. You wont like what I have to say either. My ex of 4 years and I broke up and he met a girl within a month. They got engaged like 5 months later. Fast forward to now, they have been married for 4 years and have 2 kids together. White picket fence, all that. On the bright side of things, I got over him (with a lot of time) and had 2 LTR since him. You'll move on, when you're ready. It just sucks knowing they find someone so quickly. Some just operate that way. My current ex started dating someone before we stopped. So...you just can never know.
AriaIncognito Posted November 5, 2007 Posted November 5, 2007 Oh and for the record, I'm known to hold romantic notions too. My ex was supposed to accompany me on a trip I took last week. I had all these fantasies that he would show up and profess his love. I dont know why i'd want this but, it seemed like a good idea at the time. Needless to say, he didn't show. He's moved on. And I need to as well...
Author Steffie575 Posted November 5, 2007 Author Posted November 5, 2007 Oh and for the record, I'm known to hold romantic notions too. My ex was supposed to accompany me on a trip I took last week. I had all these fantasies that he would show up and profess his love. I dont know why i'd want this but, it seemed like a good idea at the time. Needless to say, he didn't show. He's moved on. And I need to as well... The problem is...I dont know how to move on. This was my first boyfriend......ever. I believed all he said when he told me he'd love me forever, and I cant make myself believe that he has truly moved on. Ugh!
kittensmittens Posted November 5, 2007 Posted November 5, 2007 The problem is...I dont know how to move on. This was my first boyfriend......ever. I believed all he said when he told me he'd love me forever, and I cant make myself believe that he has truly moved on. Ugh! Agh!! Me too, me too!! He was my first love, first bf, first everything except kiss. I still can't fully accept either that he has TRULY moved on....we've been through so much together. We talked all the time about "when we get married". We had cats that were like our freakin' kids. And we were insanely close. In all honestly I'm scared that I'll never be able to fully move on either. Ugh. What DO we do?
Author Steffie575 Posted November 5, 2007 Author Posted November 5, 2007 Agh!! Me too, me too!! He was my first love, first bf, first everything except kiss. I still can't fully accept either that he has TRULY moved on....we've been through so much together. We talked all the time about "when we get married". We had cats that were like our freakin' kids. And we were insanely close. In all honestly I'm scared that I'll never be able to fully move on either. Ugh. What DO we do? My god, FINALLY someone who doesnt say, "Itll get better! Youll get over him!" Lol. It really, really sucks not to know what will happen in the future. I just dont get how someone can say all that marriage stuff and then be happy with another person who is NOT the one they were talking to about marriage! I dont know....that is my worst fear, not moving on. In my heart I dont want to move on from him. I keep saying to myself, give him time, he needs to do his own thing for awhile...he'll come back. But does thinking this keep me from my reality check? Am I just naive? Or do I just believe in love...maybe im just stupid. The thing is....ive always forgiven him for mistakes he made, no matter how bad. I loved him unconditionally. I made mistakes too, but he obviously cant love me the same way, since he blames the breakup and him moving on so fast because I was "mean" in our last fight. Bull****.....the truth of the matter is he met that other girl and had already started to detach...even though he wont admit it. Ugh sorry im rambling. We can be each others' therapists! Lol
kittensmittens Posted November 5, 2007 Posted November 5, 2007 I dont know....that is my worst fear, not moving on. In my heart I dont want to move on from him. I keep saying to myself, give him time, he needs to do his own thing for awhile...he'll come back. But does thinking this keep me from my reality check? Oh man, I know just how you feel. The thing that has made this so difficult for me is that we have broken up a total of 4 times now (yeah..). And I told myself that every time....."he'll be back, he just needs time"...and this time it's kicked me in the ass. A part of me is still hanging on, thinking, maybe he just needs to get something out of his system.....but I know that's crap. I know he's not coming back. I felt exactly the same way about letting go and moving on until I finally realized for sure that he's onto someone new. It's still hard, but I realize I have to force myself. I STILL can't throw away little things he's given me, books and things of his that got mixed up in the move, I can't even delete his name off of my phone! I still can't fully accept that I'll never sit next to him on the couch and play video games or laugh w/ him about the cats rolling around on the floor. But I know I have to start letting go and stop expecting him to come back. It sucks. My heart still isn't totally ready either. I'm about to be 25 and I've known him since I was 16. We started dating when I was 20. I feel like he is so much a part of my past...ingrained in my soul. I feel almost like I've grown up w/ him....and maybe in a sense I have. I'm terrified too that I'll never get over him. I just hope there are new happy memories, and nostalgia, and history to come. And maybe some of the new memories will actually remain happy until the day I die. The thing is....ive always forgiven him for mistakes he made, no matter how bad. I loved him unconditionally. I made mistakes too, but he obviously cant love me the same way, since he blames the breakup and him moving on so fast because I was "mean" in our last fight. Omg....go read my 2nd to last post in my thread "Should I call him?". It was EXACTLY the same for me.....I still am blaming myself, making excuses for his behavior. Even after he dumped me the last time and (here I go again) went out and screwed our neighbor, posted a blog all about it, bragged about dumping me and trashed my name (which he did include), left pictures of her all over MY computer......who calls up crying and apologizing for leaving town....b/c I had found out his lies? He claimed "I left him" and blamed ME for the break up. I only left town (and told him "I'm leaving town" as I often did when things got messy and he refused to talk..). Yet he boasted in his blog post about how HE dumped ME. Which he did--he sent me an email after I left town telling me to move all my stuff out of the apartment. Still...I apologize for leaving. I insisted I wasn't leaving him. He insisted that I did. I'm the one who cried and begged and banged my head against the wall for not 'handling things correctly'. Wtf. He still hasn't apologized for all the lies and I still beat myself up for leaving that night. Seems he and I were both full of excuses only he was the only one getting any benefit from them. I think our exes were both just looking for a way out and didn't have the balls to take any sort of responsibility. Yes, just call me Dr. Kittens.
Phateless Posted November 5, 2007 Posted November 5, 2007 How long have you two ladies been out of these relationships? I got out of a 5 year relationship just over a year ago so I know where your head is...
MotoMan Posted November 5, 2007 Posted November 5, 2007 Perhaps it would help if you imagined that he passed away? The death of a relationship is, in some ways, like the death of a loved one. This imagining that he's going to come running back to you is fantasy. If he does, great, you can be surprised, and decide then if you want him back, if he doesn't, then you'll have moved on and grown as a person. Best of luck!
Phateless Posted November 5, 2007 Posted November 5, 2007 Perhaps it would help if you imagined that he passed away? The death of a relationship is, in some ways, like the death of a loved one. This imagining that he's going to come running back to you is fantasy. If he does, great, you can be surprised, and decide then if you want him back, if he doesn't, then you'll have moved on and grown as a person. Best of luck! Dude's right... with the state of mind that you're in, even if he does come back, you'll be so desperate for him that it probably won't work out anyway. You have to grow as a person and move on, and then if he does decide to come back, you need to be in a position where you're perfectly happy without and you have to decide whether or not you want him back.
kittensmittens Posted November 5, 2007 Posted November 5, 2007 Perhaps it would help if you imagined that he passed away? The death of a relationship is, in some ways, like the death of a loved one. Yes, it is. In fact, I was having feelings of deep grief and loss after this as if he had died....without consciously deciding to. It just made me long for him more. I had decided he was gone, that was it, it's over this time, he doesn't deserve to have me back. Then at the end of one stressful day I found myself automatically thinking "we should go rent a movie tonight..." and then it hit me. He's GONE. Really gone. Then a huge wave of grief and sadness came over me and I just wanted him back. He became that much more precious and irreplaceable to me. I don't really know....but I think in some cases it may be a little easier to hang onto a tiny bit of hope. Kinda like someone quitting smoking....it's easier when you tell yourself you can start up any time you want, but when it's taken away completely....you just want it more. An eventually the pain...like the cravings....dimishes over time. Or at least...I hope. I get what you're saying though. For now I'm telling myself "anything is possible, but he probably won't come back" Still hurts though.
kittensmittens Posted November 5, 2007 Posted November 5, 2007 I would also like to add: A) I've still feel deep grief and loss....I just have been thinking about all the bad today, and how ridiculous it all is...and this has seemed to keep SOME of the sadness under control. But it is still there. B) I think what has helped me the most so far is getting angry. Sometimes it's really hard and I blame myself instead of him. But when I can stop blaming myself for a second and think about all the crappy, uncalled for things he's done (posting here has helped immensely w/ that!) I start feeling a little more capable of letting go.
MotoMan Posted November 5, 2007 Posted November 5, 2007 I understand. My D was finalized recently (after a 1.5 yr battle) and I'm still kinda grieving. I was feeling down, and a friend reminded me " you miss the woman you wanted her to be, not the woman she is". He's right. I was missing the good times we had, forgetting all the crappy times (and there was more crap than good). Take heart, use your experience with this guy as a guide to know more about you, and what you're looking for in a guy, what you can live with, and the deal breakers.
MotoMan Posted November 5, 2007 Posted November 5, 2007 Oh, the other thing I wanted to mention is: anger is good, if it moves you to positive action. There's a good book by Laura Day called "Welcome to Your Crisis- How to use the Power of Crisis to Create the Life You Want", and she talks about avoiding the 3 death traps: Rumination, Recrimination, and Retribution. It's a great treatise on not letting anger eat you alive, and give some exercises on getting past it.
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