sw Posted November 4, 2007 Posted November 4, 2007 Been dating a woman for almost three months. I usually like to take things slow, but she asked me out and pretty much made all the first moves on me.I found out that she had a crush on me for two years. She was inviting me over for dinner almost evryday.We were quite intimate the first month and a half but no sex.I am very touchy around her and she told me she "loved it" The last 6 weeks she has been distant. She had just recently broken up with her boyfriend who was verbally abusive to her. He was jealous and controlling and was also stalking her after the break up. He still emails her on a daily basis. I finally asked her why she was distant. She doesnt want to be touched. She told me she didn’t want to commit to anything and wanted time to hang out with her friends, also that she really liked me because I didn’t put any pressure on her or make demands, something that she wasn’t used to . She also likes that I'm "awesome, caring, kind and honest". She told me that she wasn’t used to someone being so nice to her. When she was distant she was afraid to tell me that she wanted to back off because she didn’t want to lose my friendship and afraid I would get mad. She wants to be my best friend and always will be there for me. She is not dating anyone else either. this is the same woman who 15 minutes earlier said she "didnt want to be touched"??? I tell her she can always talk to me and should never be afraid to say anything. After all this drama she hugs for what seemed like 10 minutes and kept kissing my cheek. Then for the firdt time in 6 weeks she is holding my hand and snuggling up to me as we walked. She haS been talking to her ex boyfriend lately but allways says hes an ********* and she is just trying to make piece with him..but somehow I think he is the reson for her 180 degree turnaround. So now I'm a bit bummed would like to have a relationship with her in the future, but what do I do. Do I continue hanging out with her and being her friend until one day she's ready or she tells me has a new boyfriend. Or do I distance myself from her until she’s ready? We are both very active and do all the same sports together, so It would be hard to completely distance myself from her. She "loves" hanging out with me and wants to continue to do so. What I'm afraid of is that she tells me she is dating some guy after being her best friend. Thanks
Stereogram Posted November 4, 2007 Posted November 4, 2007 It's tough because you want something with her...but you have to ask yourself whether or not you want these emotional rollercoasters once she gets flaky again. Does she overreact over the smallest things? This is a huge warning sign. If she's pretty much steady-eddy and is able to overcome little obstacles their might be some hope for you two. It's also fairly obvious something happened that was out of your control. I have a hunch that you are becoming the shoulder to cry on...
Author sw Posted November 4, 2007 Author Posted November 4, 2007 Shes a steady-eddy for sure .Actually now 24 hours after this happened I am kind of angry and really have no desire to talk to her at the moment.
Stereogram Posted November 4, 2007 Posted November 4, 2007 I know it's hard....but Do NOT contact her....let her make the first move. If you contact her you will be seen as someone who smothers her. She will make the first move if things are to continue between you two. Put the ball in her court....
whichwayisup Posted November 4, 2007 Posted November 4, 2007 Sadly, this ex has alot of power over her still and even though she likes you, she is in the mindset of being controlled by her ex. The abuse, control, mind games, whatever else he's done to her, she is emotionally not capable of being with you. She has baggage and once that relationship totally ends, she needs counselling. Encourage that for her but stay away from her on an intimate and relationship level.
Author sw Posted November 4, 2007 Author Posted November 4, 2007 should read like this : I tell her she can always talk to me and should never be afraid to say anything. After all this drama she hugs for what seemed like 10 minutes and kept kissing my cheek. Then for the firdt time in 6 weeks she is holding my hand and snuggling up to me as we walked.She is not dating anyone else either. this is the same woman who 15 minutes earlier said she "didnt want to be touched"???
whichwayisup Posted November 4, 2007 Posted November 4, 2007 You don't understand what abuse does to someone. She is all over the map and has trust issues. This isn't about you, so don't feel you're doing anything wrong. Do some reading on emotional abuse, controlling and narcissistic behaviour. Then you'll see why she is the way she is.
Author sw Posted November 4, 2007 Author Posted November 4, 2007 Thanks for the advise. I will try to encourage her, but I think I'll keep my distance for a bit.
alwayshurt Posted November 4, 2007 Posted November 4, 2007 don't put yourself in a position to be the rebound guy. Leave the scene now and wait. She definetely needs to sort things out. She is confused and probably has still some feeling for the other guy. You are emotionally involved so cannot be her best buddy. If you stay close to her you are going to push her away. I have been there. My case is very similar to yours. We had a great start but when she started acting weird I showed her some disappointments. Although she likes me very much I think she lost attraction to me. She hasn't called me in three weeks now. I went to NC and the only thing I can do is just wait and see if she changes her mind again. If she does, I know now how to treat her. I would definetely not be the nice guy again. Good luck.
Author sw Posted November 4, 2007 Author Posted November 4, 2007 Things started getting distant right around the time she started cyclocross bike racing (a form of odd road cycling done in the fall). All of a sudden the Ex shows up with a brand new bike and starts racing cyclecross for the first time. We are both avid cyclists as was her ex, but she didnt start racing untill after she left him. Now its a coincidence that he is at all the races
Stereogram Posted November 4, 2007 Posted November 4, 2007 Things started getting distant right around the time she started cyclocross bike racing (a form of odd road cycling done in the fall). All of a sudden the Ex shows up with a brand new bike and starts racing cyclecross for the first time. We are both avid cyclists as was her ex, but she didnt start racing untill after she left him. Now its a coincidence that he is at all the races OK...this seals it for me. I'm sorry....but What A Bitch. You can do...and deserve...much better. You are nobody's fool...always remember that. You have to blow this girl off.
Author sw Posted November 4, 2007 Author Posted November 4, 2007 What I meant to emply is that he started racing to follow her and has got in to her head maybe? I honestly belive her when she tells me she has nothing to do with him.
Author sw Posted December 14, 2007 Author Posted December 14, 2007 We hadn't talked for 3 weeks. After all the bad things she said about him she went back ,she has been hanging out with him lately, says they are friends as long as it is not "complicated", not sure what that means though. Anyway I have been reading about abuse and I see that I really have nothing to do with this situation, I don’t feel like I have been used and dumped anymore. But I did call her up the other day and asked her why she pushed me away. she told me she was afraid to get hurt and afraid to trust me even though she likes me. She told me everybody she dates turns weird on her, I asked her if I was weird and she said "no ,you haven’t stalked me". So it seems like the ex stalked her too. I tried to reassure her that I really do care about her and asked her to give me a chance as a friend so she can learn to trust me. So we hung out for 3 days last week had a good time together, she really likes me, but she is distant. But , we had planned to see a movie , but she twice broke the date and seems to have pushed me away again as she seems to be avoiding me again. I probably just caused myself more heartache by hanging out with her last week. As it looks like she is still with him. I guess I kind of that if I keep showing her I care about her she leave him for good, but I don’t think it works that way. I get the sense that she feels that she doesn’t deserve to be with a nice guy who loves her unconditionally. I don’t know what to do anymore , I am just trying to show her I care about her. I think all I can do is let things happen, let him abuse her again and let her break up with him again (at least the 3rd time). My friend thinks I am crazy to talk to her again, but he’s a player and has a different girlfriend every month. I have read a lot about abusive relationships lately and realized that she is a victim. She cant escape his abuse, he stalked, harassed and manipulated her back under his control and the hardest part is I cant do anything about it.
tanbark813 Posted December 14, 2007 Posted December 14, 2007 You would be wise to abandon the black and white "evil manipulator"/"helpless victim" mindset. She has more control than you give her credit. And given your first several posts, the one saying she went back to him wasn't at all surprising. My guess is she was seeing the ex while she was acting distant. Forget this chick and move on.
Author sw Posted December 14, 2007 Author Posted December 14, 2007 Ya your right, she has a brain and made a bad choise, She was seeing the ex too, she called him her friend I never asked who the friend was but I know it was him.
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