Grace112 Posted November 3, 2007 Posted November 3, 2007 I find myself constantly comparing myself to my ex-fiancee's new girlfriend. My thoughts range from shallow to the more substantial. Shallow - "Is she prettier than me?" "Am I skinnier than her or has she lost weight?" "My nose is cuter than hers." "I graduated from Berkeley and she has her high school diploma." Substantial - "Is she a better person than I am?" "What kind of person with 2 young children invites a stranger to fly across the country and spend a weekend with her?" "Is she more supportive than I was?" "What is he getting from her that he couldn't get from me?" "Were they meant to be together and was I just holding him back?" My head reels with thoughts of self-improvement. What can I do to be as worthy as her? What can I do to make myself as attractive to him as she is? What can I do to better myself? Even though I am making healthy choices - eating better, exercising more, seeing a therapist - in the back of my mind it feels like I'm doing all of these things to make myself better for him. I don't feel like I'm doing these things for myself. It's like I want to be prepared to show him that I am a good person and that I am worthy of his love. Typing these feelings out - I know they look wrong - but it's honestly what I feel inside. I want to prove to him that I'm a good choice and that he shouldn't have ever left me.
Scorpio13c Posted November 4, 2007 Posted November 4, 2007 Hi Grace, What you're thinking is completely natural, we all feel this way. Just remember though, even at times when you think you're bettering yourself for your ex, down the road one day SOON, you'll know you really did it for you. Just keep doing things positve for yourself, eventually you won't be thinking you're doing it for your ex, but that you did it for the new "HOT GUY" in you life! It'll happen. Scorp
Author Grace112 Posted November 5, 2007 Author Posted November 5, 2007 Thanks Scorp! It's just tough because all my friends think I should be completely over this already. They've seen me go through my ups and my downs in this relationship and the majority of them ended up disliking him because of it. I appreciate and respect my friends so I keep the crying and venting to a minimum - it just makes them more angry at him. As a result, the only outlets for my real feelings are this board and my therapist. If I tried to explain to them how much time I spend comparing myself to her in my head and trying to make myself a more "attractive" choice, I think at least one of them would try to throw a glass of cold water in my face I wish he would see how much I want to be his girl.
sao2 Posted November 5, 2007 Posted November 5, 2007 Sometimes there is no reason. Trying to understand what happens between people, why one person chooses to be with one person over someone else is really a fruitless pursuit. We all do it though. It can be hard but here is the goal that I set for myself and it always work. You should try to be the best Grace112 that you can be. You should say to yourself, "if there is a guy out there looking for me,(as in the person you want to be) they are going to find that no one fits that role better than I do". Don't compare yourself, you are a much better Grace112 than she is, I am sure of that. Good luck
Author Grace112 Posted November 11, 2007 Author Posted November 11, 2007 Thanks sao2 - I appreciate the comment. Today I find myself struggling with - how could I have been a better Grace112 for him. I know that they say that "hindsight is 20/20", but gosh - I feel like if he just gave me the opportunity - I could improve myself so much so we wouldn't get to this point once again. I am 150% willing to work on myself so I can be a better person. I know I'm not that bad. How can someone flip 360 degrees from wanting to spend the rest of his life with me to making fun of me to his friends?
sao2 Posted November 11, 2007 Posted November 11, 2007 You don't want to be a better Grace112 for him but for yourself.
Love Jones Posted November 11, 2007 Posted November 11, 2007 How can someone flip 360 degrees from wanting to spend the rest of his life with me to making fun of me to his friends? If he makes fun of you to his friends he's a major jerk off and childish to boot. Why would you want to be with someone like that?
Author Grace112 Posted November 12, 2007 Author Posted November 12, 2007 I know it sounds bad, but I believe he just has bad coping skills. Part of me hopes that it's because he's feeling guilty about the way things ended (6 weeks before the wedding) that he is still searching for reassurance from people that he did the right thing. The other part of me wonders if he is so very angry with me that he's still lashing out in whatever way he can. Either way, I wish I could prove to him that I'm not as bad as he/his friends think that I am. I know my own personal fears of marriage hurt him and now if I was given the opportunity, I would make things 100 times better.
Lizzie60 Posted November 12, 2007 Posted November 12, 2007 this is quite natural... In fact, my last ex's gf (now wife) is my daugther's age (one year older) and I know her strong points and her weaknesses... I was much better in some areas and she is much better in others and that's OK... I'm sooo over him, he's now my best friend and I want the best for him.
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