neowulf Posted November 3, 2007 Posted November 3, 2007 Well, I'm at the end of my rope with this one and you guys have been really supportive in the past, so here goes. I ended my 6 year relationship early this year. It's been about 7 months since I broke it off. It was a pretty bad breakup and I see feel the burden of the emotional damage inflicted during that time. Anyways, life rolls on and i decided to try dating again. I've been seeing this girl for a while now. There wasn't an instant "wow" attraction between us, but we continued to see each other just the same. I really enjoyed her company so I figured at the very least we could be friends. Eventually, we ended up getting together, but I'm struggling to decide what exactly I feel for this girl. The frustrating thing is that my actions don't appear to align with my feelings for her. I call her to see how she is. I buy her gifts. I make dates with her. We hang out together and have a great time. I'm affectionate. I hold her, kiss her, just cuddle on the couch with her. None of these things feels "wrong" or "forced" for me. I'm not sitting thinking "oh, I'd better to X because she expects me too". She'll be sitting there and I just reach over and start stroking her hair for no reason other than I just "do". It almost feels reflexive. When I'm with her and we're talking and just hanging out, I feel so clam and happy with her. We can talk for hours and I feel so at peace with everything. We're so like minded on things, it's amazing. I feel like there's this list in my head of check boxes for the "ideal girlfriend" and she just keeps on checking them. Yet inside I feel numb. I don't feel that warm, fuzzy "oh, I'm sooo into you" feeling. It's like my heart's frozen solid or something. I feel my heart is holding me back. I can't make up my mind if it's a lack of attraction/chemistry with her, or simply my own heart refusing to let myself love again. So last night, I finally told her the way I feel, that I've been struggling with the doubts and fears about the way I feel. I know she has deep feelings for me and guts me inside that I don't feel the same way for her, dispite my actions suggesting that I *do* infact care very deeply about her. She's such a beautiful, understanding and caring person. It guts me completely that I can't "force" myself to return the feelings she has for me. She thought it might be an idea to get some space and have a good, long think about what I want and how I feel about her. I don't know what to think. Am I just not that into her? If that's the case, why am I *acting* like I'm into her? And if I *am* acting, shouldn't it feel forced? It's not like she's the one pressuring me for dates. I feel miserable at the thought of never seeing her again. Any ideas/thoughts/experiences you guys might have would be *greatly* appreciated.
troutie jr Posted November 3, 2007 Posted November 3, 2007 I have a few of these types of friendships with women. I really like them and I am comfortable being with them, but I don't feel any deep love for them. I also keep it straight so there is nothing I have said that will lead them to thinking its anything more. I don't have to be in love with someone to spend time with them and I don't expect that of the woman. I don't think this is an unusual kind of friendship. Providing you keep it straight with the woman and don't tell her anything more than what is really going on with you she will know where she stands and can make her own decision whether she wants to continue. If not, those are the breaks. Can't expect a person to hang in there if they want more and you don't.
Lauriebell82 Posted November 3, 2007 Posted November 3, 2007 I agree with troutie jr in the fact that you maybe just don't have feelings with this girl but like to spend time with her. However I think this may have something to do with your ex gf. Why did you guys break up, if I can ask? Do you still have feelings for her? I think you are maybe trying to project feelings you used to have for your ex onto this girl. But the bottom line is, you can't make yourself feel something for her. I think your affectionate actions may just be you trying to replace the affection that you lost in your last relationship. This is probably the way you are dealing with the emotional turmoil left over. I really think you need to stop seeing this girl. Leading her on isn't fair to her, and you know this. It sounds like it is a good idea to sort of your feelings.
The Loacker Posted November 3, 2007 Posted November 3, 2007 It seems to me that the reason you act so comfortably around her is because there's no attraction between the two of you. I know this sounds contradictory at first, but think about it: if you were attracted to her, then you might feel a little nervous when around her, which means you wouldn't be acting as comfortably as you are right now. Maybe I'm mistaken, but that's what I got from your post.
Author neowulf Posted November 3, 2007 Author Posted November 3, 2007 I agree with troutie jr in the fact that you maybe just don't have feelings with this girl but like to spend time with her. However I think this may have something to do with your ex gf. Why did you guys break up, if I can ask? Do you still have feelings for her? My ex and I broke up for a number of reasons and no, I don't have those kinds of feeling for her anymore. I don't pretend her and I will ever get together again, nor do I think that if she walked up to me tomorrow and said "Can we give it another try" that I'd say yes. You guys make valid points though. I guess I didn't really understand how emotionally damaged I was until I started trying to date again. I get the feeling now that I should probably take an extended break away from the dating scene and get my head screwed on straight again. I feel really bad about hurting this girls feelings. She's wonderful and she's already said that they'll be no chance of friendship for us if it doesn't work out. I guess that's her choice and I'll have to respect that.
Lauriebell82 Posted November 4, 2007 Posted November 4, 2007 My ex and I broke up for a number of reasons and no, I don't have those kinds of feeling for her anymore. I don't pretend her and I will ever get together again, nor do I think that if she walked up to me tomorrow and said "Can we give it another try" that I'd say yes. You guys make valid points though. I guess I didn't really understand how emotionally damaged I was until I started trying to date again. I get the feeling now that I should probably take an extended break away from the dating scene and get my head screwed on straight again. I feel really bad about hurting this girls feelings. She's wonderful and she's already said that they'll be no chance of friendship for us if it doesn't work out. I guess that's her choice and I'll have to respect that. That's good to hear. 6 years is a very long time to be with someone, you need to take some time for yourself. Apologize to this girl and tell her that you feel bad for hurting her. My suggestion is to just have fun, relax, go out with friends, do things on your own. Don't worry about dating or a relationship. If you take some time for yourself, you may find that you can find another great relationship again. Good luck neowulf!
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