imstunned Posted November 3, 2007 Posted November 3, 2007 Hi. Its been about 4 weeks since I was thrown under the bus after MM's wife discovered us and phoned me. Its been 1 week since last contact with MM when he said he was sorry but making a go of things with wife. Pretty new and fresh by anyones standards I guess. For those of you who know my story, and know the utter dispair I have been feeling, you may be suprised to hear that I am considering meeting up with an old flame. You probably wont be too suprised to hear that I am feeling very guilty at the thought of it - that somehow I am betraying the guy I fell in love with. So committed was I to him, and so is it not in my nature to cheat ever - I am struggling with this. Not that I am cheating on him - he has thrown me well and truly under the bus. Me and the old flame havent said "lets go on a date" but we have caught up with each other through one of these popular sites (where everyone has profiles and gets in touch with old friends) and I'd have to be really stupid not to see whats going on - the contact between us is flirty - and we had a connection/chemistry - all be it 14 or so years ago. He is single. I feel so guilty - so bad for even thinking about moving on. AND then i think that my ex MM is bound to get back in touch - and I think what will I do if I am involved with somebody else. (MORE denial? Wishful thinking? Head case??) Is it common to feel like this - Surely its crazy to feel guilty!!! Am I just not ready? Is it a bad idea? He still looks pretty hot even after all this time. . . .but he isnt the exMM. Will seeing somebody else be a step in the right direction, even if nothing happens? I was just wondering if anyone else had this problem - this weird weird feeling of guilt?
whichwayisup Posted November 3, 2007 Posted November 3, 2007 What if this new guy falls hard for you? Just something to think about...I mean, it's obvious that you're definately not ready to have relationship with anyone right now. Your heart and mind is still with the exMM (whom is not going to contact you, or pick up the affair again so please, do your best to get out of that frame of mind, it's only preventing you from moving on emotionally) so if you do decide to date this other guy, be honest with him and tell him you've recently had a bad breakup due to betrayal and you're not ready for anything serious.
White Flower Posted November 3, 2007 Posted November 3, 2007 You have been through so much emotionally and I say it is absolutely time for you to give yourself a break from it and enjoy this new thing. I will help you get over MM, I'm sure. It may be natural for you to feel guilty, but just remind yourself of what you now know: he was never committed to you and he was never yours even though you felt committed to him. Say it as a mantra or something and allow yourself this new and wonderful freedom. Wish I were in you shoes:)
Author imstunned Posted November 3, 2007 Author Posted November 3, 2007 Thanks for the replies - I must be the master of denial- which way - I know your words are true - but reading them hurts so much. I have one thick head - I just cant seem to get it into my silly skull he isnt comming back. Idiot. I dont know if its a good idea or not. I guess I'll see him, and we pehaps will just have that glass of wine and catch up and gossip. I am so wary of being used again - its funny though - i was VERY into this guy in my late teens - he was in control. . . he called our fling off - Its just taken this guy over a decade. . . .but he has come back. . . .he is probabaly just after an easy lay. Seems to be what I'm good for these days.
whichwayisup Posted November 3, 2007 Posted November 3, 2007 Then go and have fun. Laugh, gossip, catch up on old times - Just let him know (if he tries to pursue something more) that you aren't ready for anything other than friendship right now. I am sorry reading my words have hurt you, but you're hurting yourself more by denying what is real and what you wish for. The sooner you actually accept he isn't coming back, the better off (and less pain too) you'll be.
child_of_isis Posted November 3, 2007 Posted November 3, 2007 It doesn't matter if you are ready. Get out there anyway. This is called survival. Moving forward. Fake it till ya make it and all that! Am I just not ready? Is it a bad idea? He still looks pretty hot even after all this time. . . .but he isnt the exMM. Will seeing somebody else be a step in the right direction, even if nothing happens?
Mino Posted November 4, 2007 Posted November 4, 2007 Whats the saying Fake it till you make it!! Have fun,,
Gwyneth Posted November 4, 2007 Posted November 4, 2007 I think the best thing to do is move on, go out and have fun. Take it slow with this guy, and do not feel guilty about doing this to the married man, but what you could possibly be doing to this other innocent man who wants to take you out. Hey, you deserve happiness, even after a heart breaking affair. For me, though, happiness is the key to success and also, moving forward is what you need to focus on now, whether that be with a new man or with just yourself. Try not to think too much about anything but moving foward. Keep busy, because when we aren't busy, we then do too much thinking, and that will indeed drive us nuts. Best of Luck
marlena Posted November 4, 2007 Posted November 4, 2007 Stun, You should not be feeling a shred of guilt. ..not one tiny single shred of it. Did he feel any remorse for the terrible things he has done to you? And finding out that he was married is the least of it. You go out and have some fun with this old friend of yours! Simply enjoy yourself. Nothing more and nothing less. Expect nothing. Give nothing. Take things slowly. Give yourself a nice evening out! It will help you get your mind of things ...for a while at least. I did it. I went on two dates with two different men after what had happened to me. Nothing came of them but it did make me proud of myself that I was trying to move on instead of crying and onsessing for my ex. I t made me feel stronger. Of course, I then decided to refrain from dating for a while because I just didn't need the strain of it all. But I had fun on both dates and like I said, they made me feel better about myself. The fact , Stun, that you are even contemplating going out with him, is proof that you are healing whether or not you feel you are. Go and enjoy!!!
Author imstunned Posted November 4, 2007 Author Posted November 4, 2007 thanks for the replies. I am going out - and I will catch up with my old flame, and if there is any chemistry there on my part I'll worry about it then. No point in fretting just now - there may be nothing in it. Crazy to feel guilty - I know he dosent feel anything towards me. I think its my insides wrestling with moving on. I want to move on - or at least part of me does, and the other part of dosent seem to be able to - or want to let go. Weird. Its like I just cant stop hoping that somehow it will all be okay. Even when I read posts like which ways - where its said he wont be comming back etc - I think to myself "yes I know" but inside I am thinking "you dont know that - he may come back, nobody knows whats going on but him". I cant seem to change that thought pattern. Perhaps it will only go in time. Untill then I'll be getting out there - dating if I get the chance (not easy being a single mum) and trying not to feel guilty. I'm a bit scared of how vulenrable I am - I havent lost my faith in people, only myself. Thanks for the replies. i still very much need this place. Its a long road. But at least I'm walking it. x
marlena Posted November 4, 2007 Posted November 4, 2007 not easy being a single mum No, it isn't but it can be fun and challenging and adventuresome too! Not to mention soooooooooooooo rewarding!
ICallsEmAsISeesEm Posted November 4, 2007 Posted November 4, 2007 Oh, is THIS the creep that LIED to you from day #1? As I was reading your post, I was thinking, "is this the gal who found out her married piece of SH*T had lied from day #1 to her?" Having read this thread, I now see I was right - he is the miscreant that lied from the very beginning about being married. You don't owe this sub-human toxic waste dump a DAM*NED thing. In fact, I'd take on the entire city basketball team, take pictures during the orgy, and send them all to this piece of filth. But then again, he wouldn't care anyway because nothing he ever DID was out of 'love' for you. So it's not like he'd be bothered by it. Maybe you can just run him down in the street instead. What a complete LOSER. I really can't even wrap my brain around you thinking kindly or respectfully of this lying dirtbag at all. I'm sorry, I simply can't even process that.
Author imstunned Posted November 4, 2007 Author Posted November 4, 2007 Oh, is THIS the creep that LIED to you from day #1? As I was reading your post, I was thinking, "is this the gal who found out her married piece of SH*T had lied from day #1 to her?" Having read this thread, I now see I was right - he is the miscreant that lied from the very beginning about being married. You don't owe this sub-human toxic waste dump a DAM*NED thing. In fact, I'd take on the entire city basketball team, take pictures during the orgy, and send them all to this piece of filth. But then again, he wouldn't care anyway because nothing he ever DID was out of 'love' for you. So it's not like he'd be bothered by it. Maybe you can just run him down in the street instead. What a complete LOSER. I really can't even wrap my brain around you thinking kindly or respectfully of this lying dirtbag at all. I'm sorry, I simply can't even process that. Even though I have had a rotten day with parts of it spent in tears I think I must be moving on - your post has made me SMILE. You are right of course - and yes he is the lying scumbag who was married all along but made out that we were in an exlusive relationship in between his perilous adventures climbing the highest mountains in the world. He never really said a dammed nice thing to me - not really - it was all lies. My old flame said he was going to jiggle things to make time to see me. I havent seen him for over a decade. In one simple message to me over the net he has mangaed to be nicer to me that that tosser ever was. I know alot of you probably think I am very very soft, but I dont want to change mysef one little bit. I am a nice and good person to the core. ExMM - he is a nasty vile piece of sh*t!!
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