sarabear86 Posted November 3, 2007 Posted November 3, 2007 Okay, so I have been dating someone for the last 3 years and we have been long distance from the start. We were in an open realationship the first year and a half and I know he has kissed other girls but it never meant anything and we were always right for each other in the end. But the last few months have been terrible for us, always fighting. The problem has been, he goes through these phases where he doesn't want to talk to me at all, and ignores me. He says that I should just chill out and give him space after it's been awhile and I get concerned. He does this quite often and it usually only lasts 2 days to a week or two every month or two. But lately this has been happening NON stop for bout 3 months. I've been so exhausted and hurt from being ignored so much and everytime I bring it up and say we need space he'll say he loves me and wants to be with me and that things will change if we just "let things go" and not worry about them as much. But this isn't working because then I cave in and melt at his words because we love each other so much...and then things dont' change. Because I am the type of person that can't just let things go like that. It hurts me to be ignored so much. So recently I told him that we need a break, and that i'm serious...he realized I was serious and became heartbroken and over the time of a break he has really listend to what i have to say and wants to change and says he will and has apologized and said thing WILL change and he will wait as long as it takes for me to decide if we will work out. In my heart I know that he and I are right for each other and always have. The problem is...that another guy has come into the mix. He is everything I want in a guy, from our music taste down to our interests in life and he has a lot of things going for him in his life that my "boyfriend" doesn't. My "boyfriend" is having a really hard time starting up his life and has been distracting himself by just drinking and smoking and hanging out with friends...who arn't that supportive of me and him. Anyways...this other guy kissed me...and I wasn't ready for it I kissed back...and I didn't feel anything, I didn't feel any sparks. That's a big deal to me. But I don't know if it was beacuse i wasn't ready and my mind was on my "boyfriend" or not. This guy knows all about my "boyfriend" and i keep him up to date and he said that I just need to figure out what i want and let him know and he'll be right there when i've made up my mind. My "boyfriend" doens't know about this guy because I know it would just break his heart even more to find out. What's more important? Sparks/connection/love or someone who is better for you and might be better for you in the long run?
Tony T Posted November 3, 2007 Posted November 3, 2007 Long distance relationships are worthless for the most part. Rarely does anything come out of them. Besides the guy is jerking you around big time and why in heaven's name would you let some jerk who lives far away from you jack your feelings around. Dust him now!!! Give this new guy a chance but date others as well. Date people who you can see, touch and look into their eyes. It'll be far more satisfying and you'll be able to read the relationship a LOT better. Good luck!
Author sarabear86 Posted November 3, 2007 Author Posted November 3, 2007 yes and i completely understand that...but the thing is, we've been together for so long and have such deep rooted feelings and have gone through so much together and love each other so much...doesn't it deserve a 2nd chance? but at the same time...i do like this other guy and he won't be there if i decide to take my "bf" back. and idk if sparks will eventually develop or if they'll never be there. with my "bf" the sparks were their from the beginning...and never went away...ever.
Phateless Posted November 6, 2007 Posted November 6, 2007 I'll go for the sparks any day. Watch Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
Author sarabear86 Posted November 6, 2007 Author Posted November 6, 2007 yea, and that's exactly what I'm for too...I think sparks are SO important...just like...feeling so inbelievable complete with someone and safe in their arms. I guess what i'm trying to decide...is if you can develop a spark for someone over little time? i mean i really havn't known this other guy for that long and we've only hung out liek 2-3 times. and only one an "intimate" setting. Do you think sparks can occur over time or that it's just...hit or miss with people from the beginning? Also...do you think it's possible to find true sparks with more than one person in your lifetime?
Phateless Posted November 6, 2007 Posted November 6, 2007 i think sparks can be developed once you get to know someone, but they still will usually be apparent pretty quickly. the best ones are where the sparks fly instantly, for no apparent reason... and yes you can have sparks with multiple people in your lifetime. i've had sparks with people i've never been involved with.
norajane Posted November 6, 2007 Posted November 6, 2007 You're too messed up over your push/pull relationship with your bf to feel sparks with anyone else. I think you can develop spark, but your heart has to be open to it. And right now, you are still involved with your bf, especially since you ride the rollercoaster of him backing off and pulling you in constantly. I'd ditch the bf, to be honest. He's manipulative and selfish. He gets upset when you want a break, but wasn't he taking breaks all along? Isn't that what his ignoring you was all about - taking breaks from you? Why can't he just 'let things go' and not worry when it's you that wants a break? Oh, right, because now he isn't calling the shots and controlling you the way he wants to. My advice would be to end your relationship, spend some time getting over the hurt, and THEN start dating. You'll be in a much better position to open your heart to new sparks then.
Author sarabear86 Posted November 6, 2007 Author Posted November 6, 2007 yea...everything you're saying sounds completely accurate to what's going on. even if he wasn't taking official breaks when he was ignoring me and said he needed space..i can't think of any other reason why someone would not want to talk to the girl they love for that long without it being some kind of break. and i do realize that he has this push/pull thing going on with me and my emotions. but he IS realizing that things need to change...and he asked me if i could forgive him for the way he's been...i told him it will take me time. i'm sure I will forgive him, I guess it's just a matter of if i'll ever forget it and if i think things can actually change. which will ultimately be the deciding factor on whether i give us another chance. if he's so willing to change things and seems like it might...is it worth a 2nd chance?
Author sarabear86 Posted November 11, 2007 Author Posted November 11, 2007 okay..so i broke up with my bf a couple nights ago. and i felt relatively confident in the decision. he's completely ruined and depressed and his friends tell me they've never seen him this down before...they say that he's matured and it sucks that it took someone important leaving him to figure out how much they meant to him but the know he's going to change now. i hung out with the other guy last night...and i love hanging out with him, the only problem is that he's not my newly made ex...he's not even close to him. a lot of his qualities are so much better...but the way i feel about him...will never be close to the way i feel about my ex. i miss him so much:( he knows about the other guy...and he said he needs a few days to let things settle in his head but he does want to talk more about some things he wants to say to me when he's ready. i miss him a lot...and i don't even feel like i deserve to at this point in time.
norajane Posted November 11, 2007 Posted November 11, 2007 okay..so i broke up with my bf a couple nights ago. i hung out with the other guy last night I guess you missed the part where I recommended being ON YOUR OWN for a while before dating? And this --> is why I recommend that! You are still in love with your bf, you are not OVER him or that relationship, and no new guy is going to be anything but a temporary rebound, which isn't fair to him.
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