DateAnalyzer Posted November 3, 2007 Posted November 3, 2007 This girl I recently met was telling me about her last date which was 3 days ago and I said this in a VERY NICE WAY "I don't want to come off the wrong way but I really don't have a strong interest in hearing about another guy" From that point on, the convo took a bad turn and we were arguing. Did I do something wrong? I just didn't feel the need to hear about another guy. Plus before she told me why she didn't like him, she had tomention this about him which was something else I didn't want to hear He has a very good Job He drives a real nice car He lives in a nice neighborhood WHOCARES??????????????? She took to long to tell me WHAT WAS WRONG WITH HIM which is why I said what I said.
jcster Posted November 3, 2007 Posted November 3, 2007 I don't think you did anything wrong - as long as you said it nicely. Maybe she was just a jerk.
White Flower Posted November 3, 2007 Posted November 3, 2007 Are you dating this girl, interested in dating her? Or just her friend? If you are dating her: of course you don't want to hear it. End of question. If you are interested in dating her: tell her you like her and you don't appreciate hearing about the competition. If you are just her friend: you might want to say either directly or in a joking way that she takes too long to spit it out. We girls tend to do this. We get better over time. We just feel that every little detail is important when guys usually just want to cut to the chase. The same is true between the sheets.
Author DateAnalyzer Posted November 3, 2007 Author Posted November 3, 2007 Are you dating this girl, interested in dating her? Or just her friend? If you are dating her: of course you don't want to hear it. End of question. If you are interested in dating her: tell her you like her and you don't appreciate hearing about the competition. If you are just her friend: you might want to say either directly or in a joking way that she takes too long to spit it out. We girls tend to do this. We get better over time. We just feel that every little detail is important when guys usually just want to cut to the chase. The same is true between the sheets. Interested in dating, or I guess I can say I was interested in dating because it' too many other girls in the runing for my time. I defintely wasn't expecting her to get a attitude because I didn't want to hear about another guy.
Sweetcheripie Posted November 3, 2007 Posted November 3, 2007 I think she was in the wrong for bringing it up. Assuming this was a first date, just a big no no to talk about ex's etc. Yes, she was wrong but then you made it worse. You came across like a wimp. You said you didn't want "to hear about the competition" Well Of course there is going to be competition!! A confident guy would have either written her off because she was a goof for bringing it up or would have listened, learned about the competition and used it as "good to know". But, the I don't want to know just sounds like whining to me.
EYECANDY000 Posted November 3, 2007 Posted November 3, 2007 i dont think u did something wrong.. Ive said that statement to a couple of guys , because for the simple reason I wasnt interested. I guess she thought u just came off as rude. Also, Ive had someone tell me i dont want to hear about another guy.. I didnt trake it offensively. I cut the convo sjort and moved on to the next subject. Or simply told them I was telling you this to make a point , not to just talk about another guy. So to answer your question. I dont think you did anything wrong . heres a hug \0/ will u accept it?
Author DateAnalyzer Posted November 3, 2007 Author Posted November 3, 2007 I think she was in the wrong for bringing it up. Assuming this was a first date, just a big no no to talk about ex's etc. Yes, she was wrong but then you made it worse. You came across like a wimp. You said you didn't want "to hear about the competition" Well Of course there is going to be competition!! A confident guy would have either written her off because she was a goof for bringing it up or would have listened, learned about the competition and used it as "good to know". But, the I don't want to know just sounds like whining to me. Then it should be ok if I mention other girls I went on a date with when I talk to a another girl for the first time right?
Sweetcheripie Posted November 3, 2007 Posted November 3, 2007 Could be.... as I stated I think she was in the wrong to bring it up. But everyone has a history and as long as it isn't a long woe is me, my ex is the devil blah blah blah talk I don't mind hearing a little bit about other dates. Sometimes it can be an ice breaker about bad dates etc. And sometimes you can learn really good info like if the person is a doormat, passive agressive, vengeful or healthy about relationships etc. but that's just me. You wanted our opinion and to me it just came across a little wimpy to say on a first date "don't talk about others" It would come across as you were just "too fragile" and not a strong confident realistic man.
The Joker Posted November 3, 2007 Posted November 3, 2007 DA you did nothing wrong here, who the heck wants to listen to their date speak about ex's or in this case other dates on your very first date with them! For once you can relax DA, it wasn't you over analyzing the whole thing.
compassion42 Posted November 3, 2007 Posted November 3, 2007 Did she just randomly bring up her last date or had you been talking about relationships? Yeah, she may have gone too far in giving details about her last date but I bet she didn't mean to offend you. It sounds like you also just don't like her as a person since she seems to have different dating values from yours. I don't think you were wrong in being honest with her but I do think it may have come off in a pretty harsh way to her.
Trimmer Posted November 3, 2007 Posted November 3, 2007 I think when an uncomfortable situation like that comes up on a first date, you are certainly entitled to handle it in any way you wish; I don't know that you can judge it as "right" or "wrong." It depends on the outcome you would have preferred to achieve: Would you like to have salvaged the date, or did that episode make you realize that she wasn't "your type?" If she turned you off sufficiently, then don't worry about how it turned out. On the other hand, if you think it might have been worth salvaging, you could have turned it into a flirting opportunity... Tease her a little bit: "You realize you are telling me all the good points about your last date - should I be worried?" This could redirect the conversation back to your date, or at least break the tension with a little humor. If she realized what she had done, maybe she'd take it in good humor, apologize and move on to a better topic... Or, if she didn't get your point even then, you'd have even stronger evidence that she's not your type... Or make it an opportunity to be a good listener. After she lists all the good stuff, and you are getting the feeling like you want to move the conversation along and get past this topic, say: "It sounds like he had a lot going for him. What was it that didn't work?" This does several things - it propels you further along toward the end of this topic, it reinforces to her: "I am listening, I hear you, I understand you" which is important in any conversation, and by hearing what she didn't like about him, you can collect some information that may be very useful to you in figuring out if you are interested in her... Again I'm not judging right or wrong, but a first date is all about uncertainty, all about trying each other out and then deciding whether you want to continue. You are absolutely entitled to feel like "I don't want to hear about another guy..." but a date is inherently an experiment anyway. Why not suspend the rules, hear her out and see where it goes? You don't know why she is telling you this - maybe she really is a jerk who doesn't understand boundaries, but maybe there's another reason. Maybe she hasn't had a chance to talk to anyone about it yet, and she finds herself trusting you enough to share something personal. Maybe she is trying to get to the point where she says, in essence "...but he did this one thing that I can't handle, and I'm glad you don't do that..." An example: I had lunch with a woman and she brought up some things about her ex... We ended up kind of swapping stories (nothing too hostile) and kind of laughing over some of the absurd situations we had found ourselves in, and some of the similarities in the absurdity we had both experienced. In the end, our conversation had a kind of an "us against them" feel to it, and I felt like we kind of bonded over it, in a way... Who knows where the conversation will go, but you get to have 50% of the influence on taking it somewhere good! Again, I agree that you are absolutely entitled to have boundaries of comfort, and talking about exes is definitely a sensitive area that different people have different reactions to. But I would encourage you to be flexible - who knows where she was going with it? Think of a date as an experiment and consider suspending some of the rigid rules, or at least don't be too quick to clamp them down. I don't know - just a little different perspective.
Trimmer Posted November 3, 2007 Posted November 3, 2007 Then it should be ok if I mention other girls I went on a date with when I talk to a another girl for the first time right? DA - I know you like to distill things down into hard, specific rules with bright lines deciding "OK" and "not OK," but that's my whole point - you can define the "rules" that way, but I think by doing that, you will limit the results you will get. Everything in a date is context dependent - it all depends on how things are done. Like in my own example I gave above, talking about exes (I don't even remember which one of us brought it up) happened to work quite well as a topic for us to share and bond over, and then we eventually, and naturally moved on to something else. If I had cut her off, even politely, who knows... things might well have fizzled. Dating is working without a net, but you're not really all that high up and if you have some confidence, the falls don't really hurt all that badly...
troutie jr Posted November 3, 2007 Posted November 3, 2007 DA I think it is inappropriate on a date to rehash past dating experiences. The purpose of the date is to get to know each other. My opinion, I think you said the right thing.
Recommended Posts