cgeb2 Posted November 3, 2007 Posted November 3, 2007 This s a long, complicated story, but I will try to write it all... it's the first time I've written it all down! A month ago, my first love told me he didn't love me anymore. We have known each other for four years and had been just friends most of the time. Since we met, he had been asking me out, trying to start a relationship, and I always refused to take it anywhere beyond friends. I just didn't see him like that. But, I did think he was alot of fun and liked talking to him and spending tme with him. Well, exactly how we started dating... it was really a sort of evolution. There was no moment where I was like, I AM POSITIVE I WANT TO DATE YOU or anything like that. He just consistently grew on me the entire time I knew him and, after shooting him down over and over, I asked him out. At first, I wasn't sure how the relationship would be... because we were truly the closest of friends and we shared everything with each other (including info about other people we were interested in before we started dating.) But... as time passed, slowly but surely, my feelings became stronger and stronger. I fell in love with him. We had been together for almost a year. He is going to school about one hour away from where I live (this is a new arrangement), but it had been working out fine for 2 months. In fact, it was actually quite a healthy decision, because this year work-wise is an incredibly strenuous one and it gave me the weekdays free to focus on work. And that's what I did... literally put all my energies into work and so I barely had energy to miss him. I'd look forward SO MUCH to seeing him... Then, when it happened, he came to visit one weekend, told me he'd see me next weekend, there were no signs of him not loving me. He told me over and over how much he loved me, how I was th eonly one for him, how he would do anything to be with me forever. ETC. seven days later he's over it. There had been one situation that had always caused problems. when we first started dating, we had an open relationship and I hooked up with someone else. This was a few weeks or so into our relationship and we had clear rules that we would not be exclusive. He tried to tell me that this is why he wanted to break up with me one year later... I feel it was an excuse to avoid saying what he truly feels (or maybe it's not an excuse... maybe it's raelly what he thinks he feels...) Anyway, he asked for a break on a thursday. I said (in the end) okay. I then started seein all this pictures online of him with other girls picking them up hugging them with them on his lap with his arms around them.. Then I realized that I was not going to do a break. We would either breakup or be together... but this was not going to work. He said... WELL YOU CAN HOOKUP WITH WHOEVER YOU WANT TO. I had literally NO INTEREST in any other guy and knew I couldn't ever while in a relationship with him. I told him this on a sunday. He was very cold to me and told me he didn't love me anymore. Why? That's just how he feels. It was a huge shock. I should have been more prepared, I guess, after seeign the pix... but just one week earlier we had an amazing, loving, fun 3 days together! I have never been so hurt. The sadness I felt showed me how deeply and truly I loved him. Couldn't eat, sleep, focus, barely move at all... all the normal symptoms. I stopped contacting him, I did no contact for 3 weeks. Then, by the time I got over the inititial shock, I IMed him. He said he was so happy I imed him, so happy to be friends! Friends??? He was ready to be Just Friends already?? just like that?? Of course, at that point... I was still very much in denial that he was over me. But, soon, he was telling me details about the girl he keeps hooking up with and how he is wanting to do it again tonight. Once again... just pure pain. So what do I do? Up until now... I could not COULD NOT admit that we were over. Earlier this week, I hit rock bottom. But I feel that I am starting to feel better (only relative to earlier in the week of course), that I am starting to feel like if he is the type of guy that he is acting like right now, I'm better off without him. This is a very big breakthrough as I haev never felt anyting negative about him (after breaking up... like anything substantially negative) til now. But, i feel like this sentiment could change at any moment. I need a way to continue to feel this way. Whether or not he wants me back... clearly, it would not be fair to myself or healthy to just sit and wait for him to come back... I must move on and establish myself independently or else this pain will never end. But, it's just so hard. I don't know what to do to encourage this. While we were dating, I lost contact with many of my friends to a cretain extent... I feel so alone. I just feel such digust about everything, thinking of him with that other girl... while I was lying in bed unable to move eat sleep.... he was with another girl. right after breaking my heart. that quickly? He told me, and I think he was being honest, that he knew he'd never find someone like me again. Someone that cares about him like I do. This is the truth. I know at some point I KNOW he will regret what he has done. well, I don't know... but I hope so much. We talked and he told me he's over the relationship but missing the sex. I sstopped talking to him. It was just causing pain after pain. We are on NC again. Not that he's tried to get a hold of me. What is going on? Advice? I am desperate for any insight. Also... what is the best way to get him to want me back? Bc... well, of course I want him to want me back. Of course I want him back. But then again... I shouldn't. It's really a cycle of helplessness
alwayshurt Posted November 3, 2007 Posted November 3, 2007 if you read posts in this site you will discover that what happened to you is a common pattern. People say cheap "I love you" all the time and a day, a week later all of sudden they don't love you anymore. Hard as it is, this is the way life goes. There is no unconditional love to my opinion. As I see it, this love this guy said to have for you was not really true love. He probably met this girl you saw in the pix and started having fun with her. Of course now you are not important anymore. I understand and feel your pain, as I am in a similar situation, but you must force yourself to cut any contact with this person. You said you already did, so just keep it. No for him to come back but just for you. He is not worth your pain for the way he behaved. I am truly confident that he will call you again. Perhaps just to be friend or because after he has satisfied his physiological needs, to ask you to be with him again. Hopefully, when that happens you have already moved on so you don't have to take his crap again. For no reason I would advise to be friend with him. It only will prolong your pain. Forget about this person. Just move on. Take a day at the time. Now you need to grief so it is normal how you're feeling but soon you will feel much better. Be strong
MattyTee Posted November 3, 2007 Posted November 3, 2007 Heya, I'm sorry that you are going through this pain cgeb. *hug* This is a good place to be as there are people that know what you are going through. You can post when you feel sad or angry and people will offer advice. One of the things I have learned from being here is that unfortunately as much as we want to be able to do something there is nothing you can do to make people want you back. That has to come from them. There are games you can play and I have no doubt that some people do this and it might work for a little while before things break down again. Obviously I don't advise playing games... I doubt you'll want to hear that right now. I didn't a couple of months ago and I still have moments where I forget and start wondering how I can win her heart back. You also won't want to hear that with time you will start to feel better. It won't feel like that now, but things will heal. The most important advice I can give you here is to turn your attention on to yourself. This is a time to look after you. At first you might find it impossible to do anything active but start with just doing one thing a day that you can be look back at the end of the day and pat yourself on the back for: perhaps go for a nice long walk or to the gym or read a book. You are right about establishing yourself independently It's a good time to retreat, take stock and give yourself some love and attention. Get back in contact with the friends you lost before. As for understanding, I can't help you there I'm afraid. My fiance (who I'd been with for eight years) has done a very similar thing to your ex. I have to force those thoughts out of my head when they come. I even sometimes have to say it out loud "I don't want you any more"! - although maybe avoid doing that one in public, it could lead to men in white coats arriving. Keep posting here, you'll find some great support. *hugs* Be well
ninjaturtles Posted November 3, 2007 Posted November 3, 2007 I really feel for you. Everyone on here has been through difficult times like this. A lot of the things you wrote, are very similar to what happened to me [FONT=Arial][sIZE=2]First of all, you wil get over it with time...i am female like you are, thus very emotional, so believe me when i say you will get better It seems like his change in schools may have something to do with this breakup. For me, my ex was starting school in a new city about 3 hours away from me, if he had not moved i am positive he would not have broken up with me etc. Nevertheless, living 1 hr away from eachother should not be a hindrance, if anything it should have made him more excited to see you etc, cos it would have meant time apart to miss eachother during the week..then weekends together. The situation regardgin you seeing someone else is just an excuse in my own opinion. That jus sounds really silly. people always try to look for excuses when breaking up with other people, sometimes these excuses are true, sometimes they are not..other times they are very trivial and so should not even be excuses at all....nevertheless if someone wants out of a relationship...they could use the most silly excuses ever...pls dont start blaming yourself over what happened a year ago...you were in an open relationship anyway so you did not cheat or anything. That was just an excuse..no one wants to look bad after a breakup. no one. Again sounds like my story , cos he tried to give silly excuses etc. My ex suggested a break as well....sweetheart, the worst way to torture yourself, is to go on abreak with someone who really wants to split with you....my ex said the exact same words to me..and it hurt so much..it hurt that he did not even care if i went off with another guy..it hurt that he was not even jealous anymore..did that mean all his feelings were gone? we were on a break for about 2 and a half weeks and those weeks were terrible..i eventually had to call him to tell him ..'either we split or we work things out'..he was not intersted. One thing i realise is that when people ask for breaks, a lot of the times, (NOT ALL TIMES)they are simply trying to break things off softly etc. Im glad you asked him to choose cos believe me, there really is not point on hanging on to something, the other party does not want. I just want to encourage you, i didnt realise i liked this guy so much until after the breakup, i couldnt eat, just like you, sleep, i just stayed in bed, i cried..my goodness..i was DEPRESSED.It WILL get better..you may not believe it, but 6 weeks after, with NC i feel soo soo much better. I am not over him yet, but i am livnng life..i enjoy eating now, going to the cinema...i think about him all the time...but i am doing ok..im doing fine. sometmimes i break down, but on the whole things are so much better.....you need to allow time...... u need to go NC..fully....IF he was going to come back, he would have to miss you etc. You dont want to put yourself into the 'friend zone'..trust me. About you hitting rock bottom etc, you are simply experiencing different emotions...my ex seemed like the sweetest person ever...BUT his post breakup behaviour has opened my eyes...he does not care to contact me, he is simply enjoying himself in his new town, its like i dont exist to him....someone who made me feel secure..someone who said so many things to me to build confidence in him.....words cant explain how much i thought he cared for me etc...the truth is 'TALK IS CHEAP'...'ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS'. I have learnt the hard way now......pls dont dwell on aything he said..when everything is going good, its easy to say nice things....the REAL test comes when things go sour. If he really loved you, you would not be so erasable from his life... I am so soryy you are going through this, 6 weeks ago, i was devastated and didnt know what to do..nothing inlife seemed to make sense. You WILL get better..it will take time but you need to be determined. You need to go NC...pls dont contact him. there is no point..you cant be friends with you ex now, its too soon and too painful. Its hard, you will miss talking to him etc, but you need to dissappear from his life.Right now, he is distracted by this new girl....in all honesty he is probably not going to come back anytime soon..excep maybe him and this girl dont work out etc. But who knows? Anyway, you need to be foucused on yourself...sometimes in the morning, i had to remind myself that i had no boyf nemore...it had not sunk it..but now i am accpeting that its over. No one knows what the future holds but all you should do is now go nc, talk to friends, please keep reading LS(invaluable advice), talk to a lot of people, start eating etc, for me...when i went to the cinema/dinner after the split with my ex(i went with my sister), i started crying cos i was used to do doing these things with him. However, i am very comfortable with doing these things now.so pls dont give up on doing things you used to do together..infact try to make a new start in life..start doing these things so you can get used to doing them without him...., with time you will feel better..you may not believe it but its true. About getting him back...lol...everyone wants that. Dont dwell on that though....but anyway in the past exes hve come back to me, after i went NC/LC..and actaully moved on..the ironic thing. A lot of time apart helped as well...maybe they missed me, maybe they realised the grass was not so green outside, maybe they were tired of testing the waters etc i dont know...nevertheless, they would not have come back if they didnt want to..thats the thing..all you can do is to do things that would make you attractive to him again. live your life..thats all you can do..he knows where to find you if he wants to get back.....but you cant actually DO anything that would make him come back..except HE wants to come back himself. I know how you feel, but just realise that breakups are part of life and growing up. you wil get better, read the stuff on here....tells you everything you need to do...pls stay strong and talk to friends....oh and work very hard..its hard to stay focused but think about it this way..'you dont want a temporary situation to hinder you future'..i.e imagine if you failed in school, cos of this guy....not worth it i tell you. stay strong n keep posting on here.xxx ps- he will contact you someday...definitely....hopefully you would be strong enough by then.xxx [/sIZE][/FONT]
Author cgeb2 Posted November 3, 2007 Author Posted November 3, 2007 thank you so much for your responses. just hearing from ppl who have been through this... it is incredibly encouraging. thanks for your time, it really means the world to me!!!
MattyTee Posted November 3, 2007 Posted November 3, 2007 It's good to be able to share with other people that are going through the same thing There are a lot of good people here, so keep posting, everyone will help you through.
Author cgeb2 Posted November 5, 2007 Author Posted November 5, 2007 well i just wanted to update this cuz something just happened and... i'm so confused. he just IMed me saying sorry for the nonsense when we last talked (he had gotten jealous over me sying i went out witha guy friend) and that he just is not even close to ready to be friends. i'm just confused because his actions don't reflect this. he stopped loving me quickly, he had this other girl right afterwards... its been a month... and hes not ready to be friends? it just doesnt add up. i should be the one not ready to be friends. i feel like maybe its an excuse not to talk to me anymore or something... i have no idea. i understand he still cares about me, but he was the one who said we should date other people a month ago. and if he cant hear about me hanging out with another guy now, a month later, while he's telling me about other girls... he said he thought he was ready to be friends and it felt good to be friends, but now he realized he cant be. why? he doesn't have romantic feelings for me anymore, he told me that. it seems like an excuse. or a way to completely forget about me? i guess this means there's no chance of him wanting to get back together?? okay i'm going to stop... i overanalyze! thanks for any thoughts!!!!!!
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