AriaIncognito Posted November 3, 2007 Posted November 3, 2007 So we all know the deal with massocism. You do something that you basically know will hurt you, but for some reason you're compelled to do it anyway. I'm currently feeling very bad about what I do to myself. I've broken NC a couple of times recently. And well, I knew doing it would be bad, but I did it anyway. All it's done, is lead my brain to ask questions that I dont know the answers to, that only HE could answer. So of course I'm compelled even more to contact him again to ask these questions. Knowing the answers to these questions more than likely will not help me. Maybe they will be a wake up call that he's definitely done with me and maybe it would be what I need, but why do I need to know either way? As far as I'm concerned, he left and doesn't want me. Why should I seek answers to why he left, or why he doesn't call, or if he's with the girl he started to date before he left me for good? How would knowing this help me? I guess my heart and mind both want to hear that he's alone, and not necessarily happy, just like me. However I'm pretty sure that's not the case, because well, he goes from one to the other in a day. He did it between the girl before me and me. We overlapped by a day actually. So, it's what he does. Why do I care? How am I going to talk myself out of "needing" to hear his answers to this crap? Why do I waste any emotional energy on someone who discarded me? How can I be in love with someone who never loved me? Why would I want to settle for this man who was never committed to me when I was 100000% with him. It hurt like crazy. I doubt I could trust him again if we were to get together anyway because he's hurt me so bad. So why do I still care 5 months later???
norajane Posted November 3, 2007 Posted November 3, 2007 It's hard to give up on the dream, the fantasy of how things 'could have been'. You invested your emotions and energy - you pulled out the best of yourself and bought into the possibilities with him. It's hard to let go even though the reality of how things were and are now doesn't nearly match up with your dream. And, I think in our society, or maybe it's just that romantic-movie against-all-odds viewpoint, whatever - we've learned to never give up on our dreams, and to do everything we can to hold on and fight to make them come true. Yeah, ok, that's great, but we also need to know when to cut our losses and pick new dreams when the dream-guy turns out to be a dud, and when we're hurting ourselves in the process.
Bosiell Posted November 3, 2007 Posted November 3, 2007 Aria If I find any answers I will let you know. Keep asking the same things to myself!! We are our own worse enemies it seems .. fubar
Author AriaIncognito Posted November 3, 2007 Author Posted November 3, 2007 I am definitely my worst enemy. Whatever I can possibly worry myself sick about, I do. Currently i'm worrying myself sick about whether i passed a test I took last week, and wonderment over the ex since i contacted him in boredom last week when out west.
carrotgirl Posted November 3, 2007 Posted November 3, 2007 Aria, The test will be okay. You're borrowing pain from an unknown future. You're doing it for the same reason you're seeking the masochistic release by contacting your ex; you want to let yourself off the hook for not taking responsibility for yourself and your power. What I'm about to say is not going to sound pleasant but I'm saying it with the best I have in me... You're craving power, not love. I don't think you are in love with your ex any more. I think you are scared to death to acknowledge your own power. I think you're scared to find out both that you're powerful and that still have no control over the universe. It's easier to hide behind anger at your ex than it is to forgive yourself for being out of control of your own life. But Aria, you're in control of your life only to a point anyway. You can't control the weather or animals or the old lady who cuts you off in traffic. Your annoyance at these things is fleeting. They don't control your whole life. It's time to let your ex be just another annoyance. It's time to unleash the power within you and use it. Use it for yourself. Almost every night for weeks you exert a tremendous force of will to care for me. You give your power so generously to me, a total stranger, and you are SO STINGY when it comes to giving this power to yourself. When you think someone is in danger, you give all you can to help. I bet you'd conquer any fear to save someone else from hardship. When are you going to do that for yourself? Carrot
funkybassplayer Posted November 3, 2007 Posted November 3, 2007 i 2nd that, re directing your own ability to feel other peoples pain, and offer them help back to yourself, will help. Its ok to contact the ex, cos it really does not matter, but do it when you are in a good space and that you have to find in yourself. You sound like a little lost at the moment, and you have to direct energy back to you to find yourself again. By doing this you will free yourself of pain, guilt anger, and you will forgive him and move forward, but you will also gain the ability to be a whole person, to see other peoples pain and issues and you wont even go there where as before you may have been attracted to them. For you to have been attracted to your ex's personality, there must be something in you that needs fixing, and when it is, youll find new doors will open.
kittensmittens Posted November 3, 2007 Posted November 3, 2007 Ariawoman...I know just how you feel. My ex discarded me and moved on right away too. I know I would never be able to trust him either. Yet I still miss him like ****ing HELL. Somehow though....and I really have NO idea how....I have magically refrained from calling him. (And I seriously feel like a heroine addict going through withdrawl or something.) I don't know for total fact yet that he's with someone new, but I STRONGLY suspect it (to the point that it may as well be fact). I think this must be the one thing that keeps me from calling him--knowing I'll get nothing more than another stab to the heart, and that the last little bit of my pride will be forfeited. There are some days where I care less about this and start to pick up the phone....then stop myself with that one thought. I keep hoping too that he's sitting around pining away for me, or at least missing something special about me that can't be replaced. I don't know why I sit around thinking about him and missing him, literally, all the time. Or why I obsess about everything he's telling her, where he's taking her, what he's doing with her, how he must think she's so much hotter than me and how he's complimenting her and fawning over her, how he can move on so quickly and not even miss me after 4 years--when I still feel like he's the one person who knew me better than anyone ever has-- etc, etc. I don't know why, in my mind, I keep reliving the past and all of its horribly happy memories while rewriting the painfully bad ones, hoping for another ending that will never come. I feel angry that I'm sitting here typing all this out, when he's probably having breakfast with her somewhere. I feel angry that I even need to come here and pour what's left of my heart out....when he's moved on. He's not even thinking about me at all. You're right. We're just torturing ourselves...but why?? I wish I knew. I wish I could stop. I sit around thinking about how, I did this and it must be why he did that. But I am 100% certain that he is not thinking about all the little things he did wrong or how they may have caused all the things I did wrong and blaming himself. So why am I? It's just not fair. All I can say is I understand the torment. I know how you feel. It's been over 3 months now for me. I just keep hoping we'll eventually move on to something better and they'll just go in circles with the same lack of depth and meaning in their lives. Maybe this is a sign that we have the capacity to love someone intensely and genuinely. Or maybe it's completely unhealthy. I really don't know, but I do know how you feel.
Surfer Girl Posted November 3, 2007 Posted November 3, 2007 I think once NC is broken...The thoughts of the ex are much more visual... Almost like starting over again... 5 months for me too.... Broke NC last weekend... Makes the craving for contact again more intense.. The only way to endure is to go back to NC....
Tormented Posted November 3, 2007 Posted November 3, 2007 Good question, Arian...and one I continue to grapple with myself. Why in the hell do we continue to set ourselves up for more pain time and time again? Are we really so self-deluded that we've convinced ourselves that it will be different THIS time? Do we not have enough love for ourself to expect more? In my case, he keeps me hooked with a myriad of mixed messages. Tells me he wants me in his life, wants us to work on our issues, yet this is the 3rd weekend we've spent apart. Calls me early in the morning, but not at night when he's home. Says he wants to get married "someday" but can't commit "right now." And everytime I say I've had enough, here he comes...reeling me back in with illusions of a "someday" future together. A mirage that keeps me moving forward only to collapse in despair when it fades upon my arrival...and it gets worse with each time. Believe it or not, I haven't always been this weak...this pathetic. And I've GOT to stop! We all do... ~T~
Author AriaIncognito Posted November 3, 2007 Author Posted November 3, 2007 Almost every night for weeks you exert a tremendous force of will to care for me. You give your power so generously to me, a total stranger, and you are SO STINGY when it comes to giving this power to yourself. When you think someone is in danger, you give all you can to help. I bet you'd conquer any fear to save someone else from hardship. When are you going to do that for yourself? Carrot Your entire post touched me but I've left above only the part that really got to me (actually moved me to tears so it must mean something). I'll address things I didn't put above though first. There are definitely aspects of my life that I'd like to feel more in control of. Being in a relationship is one of those things. The whole test thing - well - I studied and did all I could for it - however for some other reasons I'm just unsure as to how I did as my manager didn't allow me to take the class that went with the test, so I guess I'm just feeling insecure that I picked the right answers. Long story. Anyway, you make an interesting point about how I night after night come on here and try to help you, and others, but not myself. That part really hit home for me and I think I need to mull over why that is. There are some things in my life right now that are bothering me and I know it's only in MY power to change them, yet I'm not exerting that power because it's easier to not try, than try and have it be hard. I'm very aware of what I am and am not in control of, and for the most part I'm ok with that. I dont feel that I'm craving power so to speak, but I'm craving the feeling of being LOVED. The feeling that some man, somewhere, is thinking about me when I'm not around and feeling how much he loves me is what I miss. I do miss my ex, certain aspects of him, but of course I dont miss the turmoil he brought into my life with his constantly feeling "conflicted" over me. I deserve better than that, and I know it. I've just lost faith that I'll find that. And a lot of the reason I've lost faith in finding someone is because I've been lacking in self esteem, which of course would tie in to the whole having power over myself and exerting it. If i were to change my own situation a bit, I might have more self esteem. And I've slowly started to try to change it. I'm starting to exercise again, I've joined a band (which gives me a tremendous amount of self esteem when Im out there performing), and I'm thinking about whats best for me career wise. I'll definitely try to give more thought to why I give more easily than I take. I don't know, maybe it's just in my nature. I reach out to people here that I relate to in some way, and with you in particular I just see a certain amount of me in your handling of your situation.
Author AriaIncognito Posted November 3, 2007 Author Posted November 3, 2007 You're right. We're just torturing ourselves...but why?? I wish I knew. I wish I could stop. I sit around thinking about how, I did this and it must be why he did that. But I am 100% certain that he is not thinking about all the little things he did wrong or how they may have caused all the things I did wrong and blaming himself. So why am I? It's just not fair. All I can say is I understand the torment. I know how you feel. It's been over 3 months now for me. I just keep hoping we'll eventually move on to something better and they'll just go in circles with the same lack of depth and meaning in their lives. Maybe this is a sign that we have the capacity to love someone intensely and genuinely. Or maybe it's completely unhealthy. I really don't know, but I do know how you feel. Kittens - I'm sorry that you are so able to understand how I'm feeling. I made it nearly 5 months before I truly broke NC, and to be honest compare the me of today to the me of 5 months ago, and you'll see a marked difference. I don't spend all day every day thinking about him. I dont wake up thinking of him or go to sleep thinking of him. When all this happened, I did. For a while. But then I started to let go. But then it seems as if I was letting go a really good amount, when I snapped and contacted him and un-let go for a bit if that makes sense. It does make me wonder what he's doing with her, and stuff like that, but I think we also have a tendency to romanticize the situation. He could be dishing her the same problems he dished me, and if that's the case, she's the one that will soon be hurt while I'm getting better. Who knows. I know I need to re-let go and stop with this contact. We had email contact this week too, very light, but still there. Of course no contact was started by him. Anyway, i'm sorry to hear that you are feeling how I am, and I hope both of us are able to figure out how to let go soon.
Author AriaIncognito Posted November 3, 2007 Author Posted November 3, 2007 I think once NC is broken...The thoughts of the ex are much more visual... Almost like starting over again... 5 months for me too.... Broke NC last weekend... Makes the craving for contact again more intense.. The only way to endure is to go back to NC.... Wow maybe you and I are the same person :-) I'm sorry you and I have taken parallel paths. Hopefully we will both get back on the wagon and find happiness for ourselves soon...
Author AriaIncognito Posted November 3, 2007 Author Posted November 3, 2007 Good question, Arian...and one I continue to grapple with myself. Why in the hell do we continue to set ourselves up for more pain time and time again? Are we really so self-deluded that we've convinced ourselves that it will be different THIS time? Do we not have enough love for ourself to expect more? In my case, he keeps me hooked with a myriad of mixed messages. Tells me he wants me in his life, wants us to work on our issues, yet this is the 3rd weekend we've spent apart. Calls me early in the morning, but not at night when he's home. Says he wants to get married "someday" but can't commit "right now." And everytime I say I've had enough, here he comes...reeling me back in with illusions of a "someday" future together. A mirage that keeps me moving forward only to collapse in despair when it fades upon my arrival...and it gets worse with each time. Believe it or not, I haven't always been this weak...this pathetic. And I've GOT to stop! We all do... ~T~ LOL Tormented, my name isn't AriaN lol. Bad bad tormented :-) As for your situation. It sounds like maybe you need to assess whether or not he's giving you all that you need. It sounds to me like he isn't. I know how scary it is to cut the ties and break it off, but it sounds to me like you need to. My ex and I actually broke up on MY doing because I knew I was worth more. Then we sorta started talking and whatnot after that breakup but never were together again (aside from a few slip ups) and then we just stopped all contact. I dont know. I'm pretty sure you need to assess what's going on and decide if you could live like this for the rest of your life. My guess is right now, the answer is no. Maybe we all need to put more faith in "when you love someone, set them free. if they don't come back it was never meant to be. if they do come back, they are yours forever".
Tormented Posted November 3, 2007 Posted November 3, 2007 LOL Tormented, my name isn't AriaN lol. Bad bad tormented :-) Oops! My bad! As for your situation. It sounds like maybe you need to assess whether or not he's giving you all that you need. It sounds to me like he isn't. I know how scary it is to cut the ties and break it off, but it sounds to me like you need to. Yeah, I think you're right but I just didn't want to accept it, ya know? But at this point he needs to get his head out of his ass and make a firm decision as to whether he wants me in his life or not, and then act accordingly. He needs to realize that he can't have his cake and eat it to. This is MY life he's messing with and it's time I take the control back. I got up this morning feeling very resolved about this...enough is enough. My ex and I actually broke up on MY doing because I knew I was worth more. Then we sorta started talking and whatnot after that breakup but never were together again (aside from a few slip ups) and then we just stopped all contact. I dont know. I'm pretty sure you need to assess what's going on and decide if you could live like this for the rest of your life. My guess is right now, the answer is no. Your guess is spot on. I can not, will not tolerate this. I very much regret breaking NC the first time. I should had stood my ground. It's never been the same since we've been in contact this time around, and I'm beginning to realize it never will be. It would take a real commitment and hard work on his side to regain my trust and right now he doesn't seem willing to do that. So, perhaps it's time to put this thing to rest...for good. Maybe we all need to put more faith in "when you love someone, set them free. if they don't come back it was never meant to be. if they do come back, they are yours forever". Well, that can be a tricky one and not always entirely true. Just because an ex comes back (as mine did) doesn't always mean that they will stay forever, or that they're yours or ever will be. Just depends upon WHY they came back. If not for the right reasons, then it's nothing more than temporary fix until the next split. You would think I would have learned by now... ~T~
Author AriaIncognito Posted November 3, 2007 Author Posted November 3, 2007 Tormented, Good for you, it sounds like you're having a strong day. Go with it. :-) My ex and I did the getting back together thing several times. You're right, we should listen to our brains rather than our hearts in these situations and realize that if we broke up in the first place, then obviously something isn't right and we should let it go. Tough idea to put into practice though, definitely.
Surfer Girl Posted November 3, 2007 Posted November 3, 2007 I think one can not get back together without realizing why they broke up in the first place.... and sometimes it takes alot of time on both parts to really want to committ... Letting them go and if it was mean't to be they will come back.... perhaps they will come back yes, maybe they have feelings, withdrawal, comfort in what was.... Once broken... it will never be the same... The old relationship can't be the same ,as to why you broke up.... It has to be something new.... addressing the issues..... Reconcilliation is not easy.... A high of some sorts at the beginning, but for the long term.... much work on both sides.... JMHO
Author AriaIncognito Posted November 6, 2007 Author Posted November 6, 2007 Currently i'm worrying myself sick about whether i passed a test I took last week, and wonderment over the ex since i contacted him in boredom last week when out west. Well, got my answer on the test. I PASSED!!!! WoooHooo! I'm now allowed to put the letters "CTFL" after my name on business things lol. Weird. So glad that worry is done with :-)
carrotgirl Posted November 6, 2007 Posted November 6, 2007 YAY! YAY! YAY! You are CTFL!! Congratulations!!!! Aria does this mean are you a QA engineer?
Author AriaIncognito Posted November 6, 2007 Author Posted November 6, 2007 YAY! YAY! YAY! You are CTFL!! Congratulations!!!! Aria does this mean are you a QA engineer? Why yes, yes it does. I've actually been one for 8 years, but this test didn't exist til a few years ago haha. That and I never looked into taking anything. All it does is give me something prettier for my resume but I figured why not, can't hurt. :-) Either way, I'm proud. Not only did I pass, but I passed with higher marks than the 1 guy who took the class and 1 girl who didn't (both people I work with). So I scored the highest in my QA group so far hahaha. Actually they raised the lower limit and I believe the guy that took the class, would have failed by the new standards. Oops.
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