Jump to content

Girlfriend in emotional affair?-gets confrotontional on broaching the topic

juniorczar

By juniorczar
in Infidelity

 Share
While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

juniorczar New Member

juniorczar

Posted
Posted

This is fairly complex, so please be patient and read through

 

I am 27, from India and have been in a long term (6 year long) relationship with my Girlfriend (she is 30)who moved in with me 3 years ago.

 

The relationship has a scarred past. We come from different communities and her parents are strongly opposed to a marriage. Nevertheless, she has made it clear that she would be marrying me.

Since then, her familial ties have been a little restrained albeit she is still on talking terms with her family and keeps visiting them every now & then.

 

having said that, she has always subconsciously blamed me for the strained relationship with her parents and almost always brings up this topic whenever we have a quarrel, minor or major (On the lines of "well, this is what I get for choosing you over my parents' wishes")

 

Now for the last 1.5 yrs or so, my work has been taking me on frequent overseas trips, some of which extend to over 7-8 weeks.

She has always been one of those prefer-hanging-out-with-the-guys kind of girl, and most of her workplace friends are men.

While I am not around, she would go hang out with bunch of guys (co-workers) in a group, which later progressed onto hanging out with one single guy.

 

I have met this guy couple of times and he came across as a fairly decent, funloving kind of fellow, but he is clearly smitten by her and I knew he tries hard to woo her.

 

Till a few months ago, I would actually pull her leg on how hard this guy is trying.

However, these outing soon became fairly frequent, more like lunch outings nearly every day, and a couple of drinks at a pub once in a while.

 

Unfortunately, I had to head out of the country for around 2 months around the same time (July '07)

And now after coming back, I have noticed changes in her.

 

She picks up quarrels on petty things nearly every day.

And while she is sullen and angry, if this guy calls up, she'll go ahead and have a long chatty conversation with him.

 

If the guy calls up even during dinner time, she'll strike a long convo skipping whatever conversation we were having.

 

And anytime I broach upon the topic of this guy trying to come too close, or her spending too much time with him, she gets extremely confrontational and starts chastising me for being a MCP...SO much so that I consciously avoid bringing this up at all.

 

I suppose it is fairly obvious that she is emotionally attached to the guy (though I know there is no physical aspect involved)

The problem is , how do i fix this?

There is no way we can have a candid conversation on this topic...

 

It's obvious that this guy will shower a lot more attention on her than I can esp. given the fact that our relationship had grown into a mature and mellow one .....

jmargel Established Member

jmargel

Posted
Posted

Show her tough love. She is acting like a teenager, so treat her like one. Stand up for yourself, show confidence. Sounds like she has been having an emotional affair which is just as bad as a physical one. Good chance she had a physical one as well.

 

Tell her it's either him or you. That you will not be dragged through the mud anymore. When they get this defensive it is a sure sign that she is cheating on you. I dont' see how you can trust her when she does this while you are away.

reboot Established Member

reboot

Posted
Posted
though I know there is no physical aspect involved
Don't you think this is a bit naive? If you're out of town for months at a time, you don't know any such thing.
Blue Eyed Brain Established Member

Blue Eyed Brain

Posted
Posted

The OG (other guy) is now her main concern and that's a problem for you. You need to tell her that you care and ask her what it would take to regain her love and attention. Give her time to give you an answer. Respect her choice. If she wants you to change, then you have to weigh the points she is making. If she denies her feelings for the OG, then tell her what you wrote to us, to give her clarification.

 

Be loving but firm with her, so she knows that she needs to make a choice. Then deal with the decision you both make.

Blue Eyed Brain Established Member

Blue Eyed Brain

Posted
Posted
Show her tough love. She is acting like a teenager, so treat her like one.

 

Sounds like she has been having an emotional affair which is just as bad as a physical one. Good chance she had a physical one as well.

 

I dont' see how you can trust her when she does this while you are away.

 

I respectfully disagree with these statements. Anger, bullying and namecalling will not have her running to you. You need to find out what made her stray in the first place.

 

  1. Is this OG more her family's type?
  2. Are you difficult to love?
  3. Are you high maintenance, manipulative?
  4. What about this OG (not specifics) is drawing her to him?
  5. Can you both survive this?

reboot Established Member

reboot

Posted
Posted
Anger, bullying and namecalling will not have her running to you.
I respectfully submit that jmargel said none of these things. Anger, bullying and namecalling are not at all what "tough love" is about. And you're sitting here pointing out what OPs faults may be, and what he may have done wrong, and while those need to be addressed, the simple fact is, OP shares no blame for her cheating.
Sal Paradise Established Member

Sal Paradise

Posted
Posted
The OG (other guy) is now her main concern and that's a problem for you. You need to tell her that you care and ask her what it would take to regain her love and attention. Give her time to give you an answer. Respect her choice. If she wants you to change, then you have to weigh the points she is making. If she denies her feelings for the OG, then tell her what you wrote to us, to give her clarification.

 

Be loving but firm with her, so she knows that she needs to make a choice. Then deal with the decision you both make.

 

She's the one with the problem not him. She is immature and cheating why the hell should he leave it to her to decide? He should tell her she either cuts off all contact or she will be out on the street that night.

 

Personally I would break up with her now. She doesn't deserve a second chance.

BetrayedMM Established Member

BetrayedMM

Posted
Posted

In short- Yes, it is AT LEAST an EA.

dbtmarley Established Member

dbtmarley

Posted
Posted
And anytime I broach upon the topic of this guy trying to come too close, or her spending too much time with him, she gets extremely confrontational and starts chastising me for being a MCP...SO much so that I consciously avoid bringing this up at all.

 

....

 

I had this same thing happen in my first marriage. It was my (at the time) wife's cousin's ex husband. We were taking care of his kid because he couldn't and his ex wife was out on the streets partaking in CRACK. This guy would come around all the time and eventually it became obvious what the real reason was when my ex wife's son told me the guy was coming over when I was at work and in school. She got highly defensive, but my suspicions were correct and I soon found out she was cheating.

 

 

Is this what your wife is doing? I hope not. Her behavior is very suspicious. If I was you I would probe this a little more. If this whole thing is making you feel uncomfortable she should have no problem dropping this guy as a friend. If she gets defensive I would suspect something more is happening.

dbtmarley Established Member

dbtmarley

Posted
Posted
I respectfully disagree with these statements. Anger, bullying and namecalling will not have her running to you. You need to find out what made her stray in the first place.

 

  1. Is this OG more her family's type?
  2. Are you difficult to love?
  3. Are you high maintenance, manipulative?
  4. What about this OG (not specifics) is drawing her to him?
  5. Can you both survive this?

 

Can you both survive this??? It seems to me she does not want to if she is investing this much energy in the other guy.

jmargel Established Member

jmargel

Posted
Posted
I respectfully disagree with these statements. Anger, bullying and namecalling will not have her running to you. You need to find out what made her stray in the first place.

 

  1. Is this OG more her family's type?
  2. Are you difficult to love?
  3. Are you high maintenance, manipulative?
  4. What about this OG (not specifics) is drawing her to him?
  5. Can you both survive this?

 

Tough love is not any of those things. Tough love is about making the other person 'think'. The problem when one is tempted to cheat or stray is that they have a one track mind. They don't take into consideration their partner and all the investment their partner has given to them over the years. The cheater often assumes that everything is going to 'work out in the end' and thus has this 'me' and 'selfish' attitude.

 

Tough love is pulling away the safety net and saying 'Hey, if you cheat or walk out this door don't expect to EVER come back'. Tough love is showing this in actions, not just words. To the cheater words are just words, in one ear and out the other.

 

If he were to do the opposite of tough love and coddle/beg her then that just will make her feel safer in exploring her opportunities with this other man. Alot of people who have a spouse that is cheating or is 'needing space' will often do this, out of instinct. However from the years I've been a member on here I have not seen it work once. You shouldn't use fear either as a tool to try to keep someone that doesn't work in the long run either.

 

However what you want to do is get that person to 'think' and which will not only get an answer, but a quicker answer to the situation. When something like this happens it's not necessarily getting your spouse back as the most important part in this, but finding resolution so that you can move on with your life with or without them.

bish Established Member

bish

Posted
Posted
I respectfully disagree with these statements. Anger, bullying and namecalling will not have her running to you. You need to find out what made her stray in the first place.

 

No, he just needs to dump her.

 

it doesn't matter WHY she strayed, what matters is that she DID and isn't worthy of a relationship.

 

The guy just simply needs to dump her and find someone decent.

  • Author
juniorczar New Member

juniorczar

Posted
  • Author
Posted

dumping her isn't easy...rather damn near impossible

 

her main complaint with me is I don't spend quality (?) time with her...

 

though there may be a certain amount of truth in what she says, her point of comparison is not fair

 

a single guy trying to woo a girl (the OM) can and will go out of his way to make her feel special, while I, having moved into the comfort zone after a 6 year old relationship will obviously seem a lot less attractive in comparison

....

 

what she fails to realize is that a mature relationship is mellow, and will feel very different (perhaps less exciting) than a new one

bestadvisor Established Member

bestadvisor

Posted
Posted
dumping her isn't easy...rather damn near impossible

 

Are you in denial and closed your eyes to see that there has been physical affair between her and this guy? It seems to me that you closed your eyes for that possibility because regardless, you won't leave her, so you might as well just ignore that possibility.

 

Why do you think that when you're away for weeks that they spent so much time together but did not sleep with each other?

reboot Established Member

reboot

Posted
Posted
her point of comparison is not fair

 

a single guy trying to woo a girl (the OM) can and will go out of his way to make her feel special, while I, having moved into the comfort zone after a 6 year old relationship will obviously seem a lot less attractive in comparison

....

 

what she fails to realize is that a mature relationship is mellow, and will feel very different (perhaps less exciting) than a new one

I feel I should point out what a cop out this is.

 

Her point of comparision is VERY fair. If some other guy can take the trouble to make her feel special why can't YOU? You're supposed to be her best friend, companion, lover.... Why do so many guys make this mistake? Didn't you do things to make her feel special when you were trying to win her? Oh but now you've got her, right? And oh yeah, there's a football game on TV, where's the beer....

 

You're right, up to a point, no mature relationship is going to be full-time exciting like a "just falling in love" relationship. But when you say "mellow", I hear "boring". How much trouble is it to surprise her with flowers once or twice a month? How hard is it to call in the middle of the day just to say "I love you"? Did you ever buy her sappy cards or write her love notes? You can't spare a few minutes to do the same now?

 

Do you have a date night occasionally? If you don't, start. If you do, find something more interesting to do than dinner and a movie. Take a walk in a park in the moonlight. Go to a comedy club. When you are at home, turn off the damn TV sometimes and TALK to her.

 

Women have far greater emotional needs than we do as a rule. And no, women can't expect us to be Mr Knight in Shining Armor forever, but they can expect us to at least try to make them feel special as often as we can. Why shouldn't they? If we didn't think they were special why would we be with them in a marriage or a long term relationship in the first place? What's that? She is special? Well, then SHOW HER.

 

If you have a good woman, she won't expect to be swept off her feet constantly, but she's got to have at least the occasional emotional fix, or you're leaving yourself wide open for trouble.

 

And yes, I have the right to say these things, because I learned them the hard way. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt.

  • Author
juniorczar New Member

juniorczar

Posted
  • Author
Posted
You're right, up to a point, no mature relationship is going to be full-time exciting like a "just falling in love" relationship. But when you say "mellow", I hear "boring". How much trouble is it to surprise her with flowers once or twice a month? How hard is it to call in the middle of the day just to say "I love you"? Did you ever buy her sappy cards or write her love notes? You can't spare a few minutes to do the same now?
when I said mellow, I didn really mean boring

I still make it a point to try take her out for dinner at least 3 nights in a week

 

try to take her out dancing to a disc every Fri/Sat

 

I still get her flowers once in a while

and do call her at leat 3-4 times a day to say I love her

 

But the kind of intensity men are capable of displayng when trying to woo a woman goes far beyond that....

and I really cant bring that level of crazy intensity in what I always thought was a mature relationship

 

If she could get back ot he normal self, I'd me more than happy to spend the rest of my life with her....

 

the way she is now, I guess the only way we can both be happy now is going our separate ways....

it's just that I find it hard to see any separate path for me anymore...

 

life sux...doesnt it....

 Share
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...