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Six weeks in and still flailing...


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Posted

Oh yeah...one more thought Isis. My husband looks very young. So I truly doubt this girl has any idea how old he is. He could easily pass for his late 20's and often does. He looks young and dresses young, so I don't think he would come across as an old guy to her at all. Certainly oldER, but not too old. So who knows...literally. Who knows. After I asked him to come clean to her about being married and, a few days later, about having children (it was interesting when he admitted he was married, he left out the children thing...like I'm attached, but not too attached, right?) she seemed genuinely distraught and concerned. My bestfriend spoke to her, and she said over and over that she's just so relieved...knowing what she knows now...that nothing happened that she has to regret.

 

But I guess that comment, in and of itself, is telling. This was a flirtatious relationship that was certainly on it's way to something physical. No? Otherwise, why would she be so thankful nothing like that had happened? If that weren't even in the realm of possibility, wouldn't she just saw, "Ew!"

  • Author
Posted

I've been thinking about this issue. The idea of crashing not seeming like a big deal, and triggered a memory from one of our first discussions about all of this.

 

In the beginning stages my H was very defiant and unapologetic. He said, at the time, that I was making something out of nothing and I was just not part of the culture and I didn't understand how they talk and that's how everyone talks to everyone. A lingo...communicating by text message, etc. He made me feel like a real outsider, like an old-fashioned "square," and in those moments, that's what he was saying. I was old and boring and out of touch, and he was hip and young...and my reaction to his behavior was evidence of my oldness and boringness. He even said that I'd been so engrossed in my stuffy job that I've lost touch of how regular people talk to one another (mind you, he's referencing text messages that start out "hey babe" and close with "I love ya"). He even specifically said that if I got outside my company, I'd see that's how people communicate. I remember feeling like I must be losing my mind when he was saying all of this ridiculous stuff. Also mind you, this stuffy job of mine is the job that pays our bills while he pursues his dream company, which can afford to fly young girls across country, but cannot afford to even pay our phone bill.

 

So what's my point? I think he began to see himself as one of them. Maybe they never did, but that's what is so strange about all of his behavior, it became...in almost every way...so much like a 20-year-old. The way he talked, acted, dressed, and on and on. And of course betraying your pregnant wife, denying your three year old daughter exists...all very 20 year old.

 

I think he was trying on a new pair of shoes. Young and unattached...drinking and partying...etc. And he liked how it felt. And I probably did begin to look boring and old, how couldn't I in comparison? I work all day, hurry home to make dinner, play and read to my daughter until bedtime, and then crash to start all over again. Real life never looks very appealing compared to the fantasy of being young with little responsibility. He just decided to try it on as a father at 36 -- which is pathetic and, on my worst days, I feel it is unforgiveable.

 

Anyhow, more obsessing and analyzing. That's what I do these days.

Posted

Okay....I am getting inside my own kid's head here...;-)

 

.....being OLD (36) but younger looking, and quite hip...qualifies one as being cool. But they are still OLD.

 

If she is not aware of his true age, then one must assume that he was using even more deceptive techniques on her. This sounds a tad on the predatory side. Sounds a bit like grooming. Wooing young girls with travel, expensive hotels and lots of alcohol.

 

Again, I am looking at this from a parental viewpoint of a "20 something" young adult.

 

There is a possibility that her relief comes from not having to deal with him. It sounds as if she may be relieved that she doesn't have to deal with the pressure that he was putting on her.

 

There is the possibility that she is thinking that for her to live the lifestyle that this company/job can give her, (travel, expensive hotels, lavish parties) she has to deal with, and tolerate the old horny bosses. And she has to do this without pissing anyone off and jeopardizing herself. Finding out that he is married, and that his wife is aware of his behavior...is probably a big relief to her. Because really, she is too young to be dealing with all of this.

 

Do you see where I am going with this? My brain is tired and I feel like I am talking in circles ;-)

 

My advice to you would be to protect yourself and your children financially. He is not just putting his financial future on the line with this dangerous behavior....

Oh yeah...one more thought Isis. My husband looks very young. So I truly doubt this girl has any idea how old he is. He could easily pass for his late 20's and often does. He looks young and dresses young, so I don't think he would come across as an old guy to her at all. Certainly oldER, but not too old. So who knows...literally. Who knows. After I asked him to come clean to her about being married and, a few days later, about having children (it was interesting when he admitted he was married, he left out the children thing...like I'm attached, but not too attached, right?) she seemed genuinely distraught and concerned. My bestfriend spoke to her, and she said over and over that she's just so relieved...knowing what she knows now...that nothing happened that she has to regret.

 

But I guess that comment, in and of itself, is telling. This was a flirtatious relationship that was certainly on it's way to something physical. No? Otherwise, why would she be so thankful nothing like that had happened? If that weren't even in the realm of possibility, wouldn't she just saw, "Ew!"

Posted

This is NOT how someone running a company would address employees,...or prospects..

 

this is PRESSURE.

 

He even said that I'd been so engrossed in my stuffy job that I've lost touch of how regular people talk to one another (mind you, he's referencing text messages that start out "hey babe" and close with "I love ya").
Posted

Worhty,

 

I am sorry about your recent discovery about your H.

 

You've said something that no one has touched on, it seems.

 

Your H is a workaholic. He put his job's needs and ambitions first.

 

This is what you need to address in therapy. His priorities are misplaced. Sure, the family needs his income, but they also need his presence.

 

Try to forget about the girl. She doesn't seem to have reciprocated anything. I know its hard, but it wasn't about her ever.

 

I am sure that if you examine your M before now, the workaholism has been a downer the entire time. Its hard to feel like a priority or even emotionally secure with a workaholic. It seems he is defensive because he did only what his job required in his mind. But it was inappropriate - be it for a married man or just for someone his age.

 

I wasn't betrayed while pregnant, but my H did have a close female friend when I was pregnant with my third that I was uncomfortable with. My H was somewhat of a workaholic, but with MC and him realizing that I would rather have him than all the money in the world, that has gotten a lot better.

 

From one pregnant lady to another: relax as best you can, take care of you the best, and drink lots of calming tea (that's safe for us). Congrats on your pregnancy. It will get better.

  • Author
Posted
This is NOT how someone running a company would address employees,...or prospects..

 

this is PRESSURE.

 

Totally agree. I made this point to him. That this is entirely unprofessional, no matter how you cut it. Plus, it may be how 23 year old girls talk to one another -- hey babe, love ya -- I've heard that, I may even talk to my girlfriends that way. But the girls probably thought it was wierd he was using their lingo. At least I've speculated that. In any event, you're dead right. Completely unprofessional and inappropriate under any circumstances.

 

In fact, his first email to her after meeting her in the store was signed "Thanks babe." Her response back to him was signed "Respectfully." But, over time, all of their exchanges were very friendly -- but those first two emails kinda tell the story.

Posted

Of course he is a workaholic.

 

"Work" includes jet setting with 23 year olds....crashing in hotels with said 23 year olds.... boozing it up with "contacts"...and it sounds like it is mostly on W's dime.

 

W is his meal ticket. Of course he is going to play her remorse game.

 

What W needs to do, is take into consideration that maybe one day the business will sky rocket....the meal ticket is no longer needed....and one 23 year old will decide that sleeping with the horny old boss (after all, he doesn't look all that old for his age) is worth the benefits.

 

Of course I am elaborating on the worst case scenario...but it doesn't hurt to be prepared. If this is truly the infamous mid life crisis, it sounds as if she is in for one helluva ride....from what I have read, MLC includes wanting to rid themselves of responsibilities in the family department. With a child on the way, his responsibilities are expanding.

 

The door is officially shut. He may panic.

 

 

 

Worhty,

 

 

 

Your H is a workaholic. He put his job's needs and ambitions first.

 

This is what you need to address in therapy. His priorities are misplaced. Sure, the family needs his income, but they also need his presence.

 

.

  • Author
Posted

True, I am his meal ticket right now. But that's a relatively new circumstance. For the bulk of our marriage (until the last year or so), he has been the primary bread winner by far. He has been a very successful entrepreneur in another field (technology) and he decided he didn't want to do that anymore and he wanted to "follow his passion," which is this new industry (and, arguably, the social perks of this new industry). This new business isn't making any money yet, so I am now the bread winner and meal ticket.

 

But I don't want to sound defensive...I just want to make it clear I haven't been carrying him all along. BUT -- I have been completely supportive of him following his dreams and have financially supported our family so he can do so. So this is certainly the heart of a lot of my anger, that he used the support and trust I gave him to do things that have devastated our family. It's cruelty upon cruelty. When I let it, it makes me feel hatred towards him. I'm fighting those emotions because it feels too dark. But on my worst days, I'd call it hatred.

Posted

Yeah but the difference is, when he was the bread winner, you weren't out running around with younger men, acting like a teen, partying it up, drinking and forgetting you were married.

 

Is it possible for you to work through this and forgive him? Because if he doesn't start to shape up and change his lifestyle habits, show you that he has changed (FOR THE BETTER) he's going to be out on his a@@, paying child support for years to come.

  • Author
Posted

Good question...can I forgive him. We are so wrapped up in this company financially, if it fails, we'll be bankrupt. But the "culture" of this company threatens my family -- youth, partying, immature behavior.

 

Not sure what to do. But I ask myself everyday...an I forgive him? Sometimes I feel like the answer is yes (assuming his behavior changes). Sometimes the answer is no.

Posted

I could be wrong, but from where I sit, I don't believe his "behaviour" will change much. He hasn't felt any real consquence of his actions. He hasn't taken responsibility for hurting you, betraying you, making any real effort to gain your trust and faith back.

 

Will he do this again? Maybe, maybe not. All you have to go on is his word, which doesn't mean much seeing as he feels he really didn't do anything that wrong.

Posted

I know this must be painful..but the good news is (if there is any) is that at least NOW you know what you are up against.

 

You are no longer in the dark.

 

Lay low, watch his e-mails and phone logs, act like nothing is going on. (pretend to slip back into the dark).

 

Some will wait until the spouse gets comfy before they resume their activities.

 

When (if) he starts this crap again...say nothing until you get solid proof or he will gaslight you even more.

 

Just keep watching. Give him enough rope to hang himself, so to speak. But for god sakes, don't let him go too far as to ruin you and your children financially.

 

 

 

But I don't want to sound defensive...I just want to make it clear I haven't been carrying him all along. BUT -- I have been completely supportive of him following his dreams and have financially supported our family so he can do so. So this is certainly the heart of a lot of my anger, that he used the support and trust I gave him to do things that have devastated our family. It's cruelty upon cruelty. When I let it, it makes me feel hatred towards him. I'm fighting those emotions because it feels too dark. But on my worst days, I'd call it hatred.

  • Author
Posted

Isis...This is essentially my plan. I just need to get my emotions in check, because so far I haven't been able to stop myself from reacting to even the smallest things, which of course makes it clear that I'm monitoring his every move. So I'm really trying to work on that...enormous self-restraint. I hope he doesn't hang himself, but I'm building my life with this man, so I owe it to myself and my children to do what it takes to find out the true color of his character. Even though I doubt my decision at times, I have decided to try. I am giving him a beautiful opportunity. I am a beautiful woman, and we have built a beautiful life and family. In the end, he has to choose us. I'm not going to plead or beg, he just has to choose. So I need to give him room to choose and just watch very, very closely so that I know his choice is genuine.

Posted

Well, I don't see it that way....

 

I see you as having the choice. The power is in your hands now.

 

By being out of the dark, you now have the ability to make informed decisions about your future.

 

When you are in the dark, H is making all of the decisions concerning the M and your future.

 

Ha! That ain't happening now, is it?

 

Believe it or not...there is a bright side to all of this.

 

If you really want to see him squirm, every once in a while mumble, "I'm not sure this is what I want in a relationship".

 

 

In the end, he has to choose us. I'm not going to plead or beg, he just has to choose. So I need to give him room to choose and just watch very, very closely so that I know his choice is genuine.
Posted
If you really want to see him squirm, every once in a while mumble, "I'm not sure this is what I want in a relationship".

 

And, let it be known to him that if he chooses to go outside the marriage again and do what he did before, that he'll be out of chances and that he'll be out of a marriage. For good.

 

See, he isn't suffering at all right now, so why should he change? Put some fear into him!

Posted

Worthy, I am truely sorry to hear of your plight. The things your husband is doing, and doing to you are ridictulous. As a man, I cannot understand what is going through his mind. Immaturity isn't his only problem. I suggest that you don't let him play the Immature, or midlife crisis cards on you. That's just a bunch of B.S.

 

Whether I do or would believe that he "hasn't" had sex with this young woman is immaterial. At very least he is working hard trying to have her. That's more than enough to blow your relationship apart.

 

I hope you are able to sort this out. My guess is that your husband needs to be shown to the door, as soon as possible. You need to continue to be the breadwinner to feed your children, born and unborn. Your husband has burned his bridges, I suggest you leave him on the opposite shore.

Posted

I'm so sorry to hear what you've been going through...I've witnessed this type of behavior at my own place of employment more than I'd like to admit.

 

Here's the bottom line ~ if you suspect it, it's happened. He will lie to you because he doesn't want to hurt you. He has cheated on you, and if he stops for a while, he will probably do it again. I would leave now while you still have a chance to move on and find true happiness.

 

Best of luck to you....

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