Six weeks in and still flailing...

[Worthy of Love]

I found out six weeks ago that my 36-year-old husband of 10 years (together for 20) had paid for a 23-year-old girl to fly across the country and accompany him on a business trip to Florida. It was a business expo and they rented a huge suite, hosted big drinking parties (like college), and all "crashed" in the same bed. He and she slept next to one another every night. He says they didn't have sex, and I think he's telling the truth because I contacted the girl and asked her questions. She said it was all in good fun but nothing "inappropriate" happened.

 

I laughed...nothing inappropriate. I failed to mention I was eight weeks pregnant with our second child.

 

After the four days in Florida together, they texted and emailed back and forth many times a day for a week...and then I got a "feeling" and checked his phone. There it all was..."Hey Babe...I love ya...I think you're beautiful...I'm glad you got home safely...please come up to the lake with me this week...etc." It was very flirtatious, to say the least.

 

For the first 24 hours I was in shell shock, but I think I saw it as a relatively harmless flirtation -- perhaps I was in a stunned stupor. I calmly asked him to write her and tell her he was married, since it was clear she didn't know. He did, but what I didn't know is that it was couched with comments like, "Hey Babe, I still think you're beautiful and must admit I have a soft place in my heart for beautiful brunettes like yourself, and I do still love ya, and I do still hope I get that goodnight hug that we missed out on because we were all so hammered." So it felt like his confession that he was married was "really" saying, "I'm married, but just to be clear, I am still soooooo into YOU."

 

He edited the message so it looked good to me...cut out all the compliments and inuendo, and forwarded it to me and coasted in our back door so brazen to show me he had sent her the email about being married. Later that night, I found the real message. It's been a complete nightmare.

 

After swearing many times over that he didn't take his wedding ring off while away with her, he finally admitted he took it off. That's why she had no reason to know he was married. He also his our three-year-old daughter, the light of our lives. And then there's this pregnancy, which we planned and fought for (lost one earlier this year).

 

It feels like this is the worst year of my life. In the midst of the joy of pregnancy, my husband betrays me. I'm trying to cope with betrayal and the stresses of pregnancy.

 

I feel so devastated, I just don't know what to do. I feel completely stuck in a rut of depression and anger.

 

We are in counseling, both individual and couples. From the get go he has said that he loves me, that it was innocent (albeit inappropriate) flirtation, and nothing happened. He thinks I making something out of nothing. He is sorry, but he insists that in the absence of a physical affair, he just feels it doesn't warrant the emotional upheaval I'm in.

 

I don't know how to change how I feel. I feel completely betrayed. I feel humiliated. I've gone through deep, suicidal depression, and then intense, burning anger. I just don't know what to do, and I don't know how long I can endure these intense emotions.

 

Help...any advice. I'm looking for someone to connect with that can understand what I'm going through. I feel quite desperate emotionally.

[greengoddess]

I'm sorry you are going through this.

 

I hate to say this but be prepared to find out more. I really don't believe that he PAID for her trip to accompany him and spent every night hammered and sleeping next to someone he finds so attractive and didn't touch her.

 

You're sick because you know in your heart he is lying to you. You need to get the truth.

[LifesontheUp]

Worthyoflove,

 

I feel sorry for what your husband has put you through. Its disgusting, thoughtless and indeed very much a betrayal. To add to it you are pregnant and at a time when you needed all the support you could in carrying your child through the pregnancy safely. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!

 

So nothing happened between them when he was away, so that's fine then right? OH NO.....He surely doesn't think that lets him of the hook! Perhaps he needs to think about how he would feel if the shoe was on the other foot and you had a man over to stay and sleep in the same bed whilst he was on a business trip. I'm sure that wouldn't have been ok with him.

 

Sorry but I would also want to know how he knew this young girl. Did they know each other before the trip? Is there more that you do not know about?

 

I'm glad to hear that you are both attending marriage counselling because you need to get to the bottom of why your husband allowed himself to do such a selfish and unthoughtful act. Did he forget he's married? Did he think this was harmless and you'd never find out? What made him do such a thing?

 

All the swirling emotions you are feeling are normal when discovering such a betrayal. In your case yours will be more accute due to the added factor of your pregnancy. Please please try and look after yourself during this important time. If you have friends and family near by please look to them for support to.

[whichwayisup]

From the get go he has said that he loves me, that it was innocent (albeit inappropriate) flirtation, and nothing happened. He thinks I making something out of nothing. He is sorry, but he insists that in the absence of a physical affair, he just feels it doesn't warrant the emotional upheaval I'm in.

 

He isn't 'sorry'! He isn't taking your feelings into consideration, he doesn't understand the affect this has had on you. He's trying to make it seem like it's no big deal so HE doesn't have to live with any real consquences, or take responsibility for his actions.

 

GG is right, he is and has been lying to you. Find out what is really going on, hire a PI if you need to. Oh and forget speaking to girl - She couldn't care less about you, your child and your unborn baby, if she cared at all she wouldn't be flirting heavily with your husband. He's a FOOL and needs to grow the heck up! Damn right it's inappropriate! Married people don't 'lay' in bed with another women, drunk in a hotel room. At age 36 he should know better too. Seems HE has alot of growing up to do.

 

Sorry that you're going through this, I hope that counselling helps you cope with all that going on.

[Worthy of Love]

Well, I have read every email between them. They met in February of this year and exchanged friendly, flirtatious emails for about six months, and then he invited her to the business trip as an internship for college (she's a marketing major, and it's a marketing expo). He says he was trying to project a fun, young, unattached image for his company (it's a company aimed at a young, subculture audience), and that was his motivation for removing his wedding ring. Don't worry, I'm not buying it. The suite was full of people. I actually uncovered all sorts of details...including video of the suite party, which I saw, pictures, etc. It was really a lot like a college party with people crashed everywhere. Lots of alcohol, a dildo that the young girls (and there were many) were flinging around and playing silly, young games with. Doesn't make anything right, but it makes it more believable that they could have slept near one another and not had sex...there were 10 other people in the suite around them. But you're right, I shared your concern and that's why my best friend went and talked to her in person. I have not talked to her and don't plan to.

 

Her reaction seemed genuine. She said she was shocked to hear he was married and seemed hurt because she said it seemed they had been genuinely getting to know each other and she couldn't understand why he wouldn't have told her about his family with pride. She didn't seem heartbroken, like she was in love, just surprised that anybody would hide the fact that they had a beautiful family. She's a young, dumb girl. I don't think she's interested in a married man or breaking up a family. I have been monitoring his email (without his knowledge), and the contact has ended -- at least via email. I'm also watching his cell phone bill...but so far there's been nothing. She genuinely seemed shocked and angry at him -- ironically, SHE felt betrayed because he had been dishonest with her. Her last text message she sent him ended with..."I'm sorry it came to this but I wish you, your wife, and your family the best." My gut believes she's not into my husband -- despite his desperate attempts to get her up on his boat the week after their cross-country rendevous, she never showed up. If she was into him, she would have shown up for a day on the lake at least once. So I feel like I've put the concern that she really wants my husband to rest.

 

But I haven't put the concern that my husband really wants her to rest.

 

It's so wild...but I was standing in line at Blimpies on day about three weeks into the whole thing and guess who walks in and stands in line behind me and my daughter. I recognized her instantly from all the pictures and videos I've seen of her, but she also had a name tag on from her work so there was no question. So I've seen her, up close and personal, unbeknownst to her. My assessment is that she oozes sexuality...she's a young girl that props her boobs up and literally spills over with sexuality. But she's not a classic beauty in any way, she's just overtly sexual. Every guy in the place stood to attention.

 

My husband met her at her place of work -- she's a salesgirl for a cell phone company. They began exchanging emails about cell phones, and then he extended an invite to the boat, and then the personal interaction began.

 

My husband does seem genuinely remorseful, but at times he is defensive and says he feels that he didn't "really" do anything wrong. That he knew his line, and he never crossed it. He says his line is physical contact. He said they flirted, they partied, they laughed, they got to know each other, but they never once touched beyond a hello and good-bye hug. They never kissed, they never touched, they weren't intimate in any way. The girl said the same thing on her own -- we didn't ask leading questions. She said on her own that absolutely nothing physical happened. It was just a big party and she thought she was there for business.

 

I'm rambling, but I guess here's the crux of it for me.

 

At times, I feel like maybe I am blowing this out of proportion. I'm very, very angry he lied to me. I'm hurt he was attracted to her and flirted with her. I'm furious he removed his wedding ring and pretended our family didn't exist. But he didn't sleep with her, he didn't kiss her, and they didn't see each other outside of one of two encounters in her store and then at the business expo weekend. He's guilty of being flirty via text message, true. He's guilty of writing flirtatious emails, true. He's guilty of lying, true. But he didn't do anything else. If he wanted to cheat on me, he could have ten ways until Sunday while they were across the country. But he didn't.

 

But the other side of it is that not sleeping with her has not saved my self-esteem one bit. I feel like a shell of a human being. I feel like a failure. It has made me question my own beauty, my own self-worth, my own attractiveness. I feel like my life is shattered.

 

So I go back and forth between telling myself to pull it together, call a spade a spade (in this case call a flirtation a flirtation) and quit acting like the world has ended. The other side of me says my world HAS ended, my trust is broken, my life is not what I believed it was, and this is devastating -- sex or no sex.

 

It's such a mind crunch. I just feel exhausted and overwhelmed by the whole thing...feeling like this is never going to go away. It's going to haunt me for years to come.

 

And the dreams...dear lord, the dreams. Gut wrenching. Almost all focused on feeling humiliated. In one of them he brings the girl and all her young, beautiful friends in our back door while I'm making dinner in the evening, and they all just stand there and laugh at me. Him included. And I just stand there frozen, holding our daughter, crying. And they laugh more.

 

Another is I'm begging him to tell me how I can change myself to be beautiful like them, and he tells me a few things to do, but then laughs and says he doesn't even know why I try, I cannot be beautiful like them.

 

I always wake up so upset and feeling thrashed. The truth is I am a very beautiful woman, but this girl was my physical opposite, so I feel unattractive to my husband. I am a blond, she had black, Elvira, vampy hair. I have very soft features, she had masculine, sharp features. I feel obsessed with these things...like maybe he's never really been attracted to me, even though we've been together 20 years.

 

I just feel crushed. I just want to pull myself together. Depression is unattractive, anger is unattractive. I just want to remember how to smile, a real genuine smile again. I want to laugh from my belly again. I want to love my body during this pregnancy just like I did my first one (instead of fret about my growing belly, now that I'm competing with a 23 year old hard body -- at least in my own head). I just want to be free from what he's brought into our lives...but I sound like an irrational child. It is what it is. My life is where it is. But I want to rediscover my confidence in the face of this mess, and walk gracefully through the aftermath of betrayal. I just need a lot of help.

[whichwayisup]

I think he got the big ego feed, she wanted him and that made him feel good. All this wasn't about you at all, it was all about him.

My husband does seem genuinely remorseful, but at times he is defensive and says he feels that he didn't "really" do anything wrong. That he knew his line, and he never crossed it. He says his line is physical contact. He said they flirted, they partied, they laughed, they got to know each other, but they never once touched beyond a hello and good-bye hug. They never kissed, they never touched, they weren't intimate in any way. The girl said the same thing on her own -- we didn't ask leading questions. She said on her own that absolutely nothing physical happened. It was just a big party and she thought she was there for business.

 

Ask him how HE would have felt if the situation was reversed and YOU were the one out partying it up with other men, in a hotel room, flirting heavily with another man, sexually charged energy, drinking and cuddling up in bed with another man, exchanging emails, calls and taking off your wedding ring, meanwhile he was at home looking after the kids. Hmm, I bet he'd be PISSED! Hurt, angry, jealous, concerned, feeling betrayed and lied to. Seriously, bring up this senario to him.

 

You aren't sounding like an irrational child at all, you're reacting like anyone else would if their spouse did what yours did to you. Don't beat up on yourself!

[cj1988]

I am so sorry you are going through this Sweetie, I KNOW exactly how you feel and it is like your world just feel apart. It may have for the moment, but I can tell you it does get easier. I am still not dealing with my M well either because he calims to be innocent when my gut tells me he is not. I am fighting between denial and the real truth. It does not make it easier when they keep telling you that you are making something out of nothing either, like they DID NOTHING.

 

Try to take care of yourself now, it will be hard, because unfortunately you are only on the first stage, things get worse then better, worse then better.....it is an emotional roller coaster. The kind you want to get off because you are tired of THROWING UP and feeling terrible inside.

[Worthy of Love]

I did do the "put the shoe on the other foot" scenario with him. He maintains his defensive posture...saying that he wouldn't be upset. The only thing we see completely eye to eye on is that he lied about her going (he now says he wishes he had just told me, dealt with my initial frustration, but then it all would have been on the up and up and it wouldn't have led down the path it did -- incidentally, there were two other young girls they flew out as part of their marketing scheme -- so it wasn't a one-on-one) and taking off his wedding ring. But he says aside from that, everything that happened is exactly what always happens at these expos. Booze, girls, flirting, craziness, and falling down in the nearest bed. He says that he didn't see anything wrong with that, but now that he knows I am hurt by those things, he would never take part in those activities again.

 

I am so angry with him right now, it's hard to even articulate the things he's doing right. But he is trying.

 

After living with a workaholic for 15 years, he's been home for dinner every night since it happened.

 

He makes his email and text message and cell phone an open book to me, he says I can look at whenever I want and he won't get upset. And I do.

 

He has become far more accountable for where he is and where he's going. This is a big change.

 

He has apologized many times. He is defensive because it makes him angry being categorized with "those people" who go out and have sex with other people. To him, that's a whole different thing. I don't think he appreciates the pain of emotional infidelity. But when he's defensive, his intent is to distinguish himself from the "scumbags" who sleep around. He'll say that what he did was wrong, but he feels the need to qualify, qualify, qualify. It was wrong, yes, but I didn't cross the physical line. So...in other words, I may be a jerk...but I'm not THAT BIG of a jerk.

 

He has been loving toward me, despite my rages and extended, cold silences. At times I feel like a nutcase, and he has...for the most part...been patient and loving towards me throughout this ugly, ugly process. And trust me, I've tested his patience. I have gone through ugly rages that make me feel ashamed. But so far he keeps showing up to the ugly dance to try to make things better.

[Worthy of Love]

By the way, I share your observation. I think this was a huge ego feed for my husband. It made him feel good that this young girl seemed to be responding to him. Of course it felt good, who doesn't know how it feels good to have someone be attracted to you. I understand that. And I think that's at the heart of it.

 

I agree...it's not because he loves girls with black hair, he just loved how it felt to have any lovely 23 year old reciprocate affection.

[whichwayisup]

Physical cheating/emotional cheating - Either way, what he did has made you feel betrayed. There's a loss of trust and faith! If he can't see that (yet) then he's an idiot!

[reboot]

he just loved how it felt to have any lovely 23 year old reciprocate affection.

So he likes older women?

 

I mean, he's what, 15?

 

He couldn't possibly be a grown man.

[Worthy of Love]

Totally agree. It's pathetic and immature. My counselor makes this point with me a lot. That whatever happens with our marriage, my partner is colossolly immature, and that's a fundamental issue that HE needs to work on. He's in his own counseling too. I hope he can make progress, because he is immature. He started this new business about 2 years ago...I work full-time to support him following his "dream" ... and this particular business is really aimed at a young audience. I think this has triggered a reversion for him. Like he wants to be part of who he's marketing to, he wants to be a 20 year old too. It's manifested itself in many ways. His recent shenanigans is just one way.

 

I am going to get a book about mid-life crises today. A lot of what's happening feels a lot like that. Maybe I'm making excuses for him, I don't mean to. But I want to understand where his mind and heart are. It's so difficult to reconcile the beautiful, loving man I thought I knew with this new, strange, cocky, self-indulgent man I see today. There has to be some logical explanation. Even if I leave him, I want to understand this.

[whichwayisup]

Her husband is 36. She means he enjoyed having the attention of a younger woman (23 years old) and got the ego feed from this young'un who wanted him. (yet another MM who pretended he wasn't married with kids. Sick)

[whichwayisup]

He isn't going through a midlife crisis, he has an ego problem, he's immature and definately isn't acting like a husband, let alone a father to your child and your unborn baby. He is NO family man.

[reboot]

wwiu,

 

Yeah, I realized he was 36, and I realize men cheat. But a man that will cheat on a pregnant woman is not a man.

[lexi29]

I really hate to say this because I know you are suffering enough already- I've been through infidelity before- though not while married and pregnant- which I"m sure feels ten times worse. I honestly think he did more with this 23 yr old than he is telling you. I mean he was texting "love ya" to her even after you found out about him lying to you. Your husband isn't taking responsiblity for his actions. Acting like it was "nothing" that he was flirting with, spending the night in a hotel room, lying to both you and the girl, taking his wedding ring off. That is a bunch of bs. He PLANNED all of these things. He KNEW what he was doing. She may be an innocent bystander in all of this because she didn't know he was married, didn't know you were pregnant. It sounds like your husband wanted a break from reality and thats why he pursued this girl. I don't think it had anything to do with you so please dont' blame yourself and don't take any responsiblity for what HE did.

 

The fact that he tries to brush off his actions, his lying, his deceit and most of all YOUR feelings shows that he doesn't have the best interest of your marriage on his mind. You say he gave you access to his email and cell phone and that there haven't been any emails or calls. Something is fishy about that- I mean he was being dishonest with you when he sent that email (or text, I forget what it was) i mean he doctored it to look like he was telling her about you and his kids and instead he was still flirting and complimenting her. So my guess is that he probably has a new email account or a new cell phone that you don't know about! I hate to say this but that is my gut reaction. You obviously know your husband better than we do though so go with your instincts. I know you are in a lot of pain and it will get worse before it gets better but hang in there and try to get some support from friends and family.

[lexi29]

I really hate to say this because I know you are suffering enough already- I've been through infidelity before- though not while married and pregnant- which I"m sure feels ten times worse. I honestly think he did more with this 23 yr old than he is telling you. I mean he was texting "love ya" to her even after you found out about him lying to you. Your husband isn't taking responsiblity for his actions. Acting like it was "nothing" that he was flirting with, spending the night in a hotel room, lying to both you and the girl, taking his wedding ring off. That is a bunch of bs. He PLANNED all of these things. He KNEW what he was doing. She may be an innocent bystander in all of this because she didn't know he was married, didn't know you were pregnant. It sounds like your husband wanted a break from reality and thats why he pursued this girl. I don't think it had anything to do with you so please dont' blame yourself and don't take any responsiblity for what HE did.

 

The fact that he tries to brush off his actions, his lying, his deceit and most of all YOUR feelings shows that he doesn't have the best interest of your marriage on his mind. You say he gave you access to his email and cell phone and that there haven't been any emails or calls. Something is fishy about that- I mean he was being dishonest with you when he sent that email (or text, I forget what it was) i mean he doctored it to look like he was telling her about you and his kids and instead he was still flirting and complimenting her. So my guess is that he probably has a new email account or a new cell phone that you don't know about! I hate to say this but that is my gut reaction. You obviously know your husband better than we do though so go with your instincts. I know you are in a lot of pain and it will get worse before it gets better but hang in there and try to get some support from friends and family.

[Worthy of Love]

Let me get more specific:

 

Do you have any specific techniques for stopping the obsessive behaviors? (For instance, I check his email constantly, I look at her myspace page 10 times a day, etc.) These are self-destructive, ridiculous activities, and they make me feel immature and ungraceful. I want to let it go, but it's like crack cocaine. I can't get enough. I feel like it's my only link to the truth now that my trust is shattered.

 

What about strategies for appearing strong, even when you want to crumble? I'm tired of being so pathetic and weepy in front of my husband. I want to be strong and centered...and I want to find a way to fake it until I make it.

 

Any ideas for making myself feel better physically? Although I've already lost eight pounds, weight loss is not an option while pregnant, and frankly, I'm not overweight. Am I Paris Hilton thin...nope, never have been. But I have a beautiful, athletic, curvy, body and wear a healthy size 8. I just want to find some ways to make myself feel like myself again -- that girl who felt so confident and loved.

 

I think this is key for my survival and recovery, and probably for my marriage too, if it is to last. Heck, I'm tired of being around me at this point. I want to find a different, healthier way to cope.

[Worthy of Love]

Lexi: Those very thoughts keep me up at night. I have wondered about other email accounts, ways around the text messages showing up in folders I know to look in. I understand the skepticism because I share it.

 

A few things that bring me comfort: He doesn't know I have access to his email. I set it up so that all incoming messages are copied to me. So even if he deleted something, chances are I've already seen it. So it feels like a pretty genuine way to see the truth.

 

It makes me feel dishonest, but if I'm trying to rebuild a life with him, I think they are measures I have to take to be able to trust him again. And all I trust right now are things that don't come from his mouth. Objective evidence.

 

But I'm with you. I question everything, at least in my own head. I am watching him closely. I feel ready to find out a load of new information about it all -- and I feel confident I would quickly and quietly leave. And I think this is the MOST DIFFICULT thing of all...I literally feel like at any moment I may need to pack up and carry my three year old on my growing belly out of our house. It makes me unable to sleep or think straight. There is no peace in my head or heart. Like you, I think it's completely possible, maybe even probable, that I will find out tomorrow that -- well, fill in the blank. He's been seeing her the last six weeks. They're sleeping together. They slept together and I bought their lies. Or even that he's already repalced her as their object of affection. In the midst of betrayal, anything seems possible. Any lie seems possible, and everything seems questionable. So it feels there is no solid earth beneath me.

[whichwayisup]

Yeah but he isn't doing much to ease your mind. He still doesn't "GET" what he's done and the damage it's caused. Loss of faith and trust! You checking up on him (which is normal for a betrayed spouse to do) constantly is also because he isn't making you feel secure! He isn't doing enough and he's making you feel bad.

 

The thing is, if he completely comes clean, can you forgive him, enough to trust him again, share a life with him?

 

Stick with counselling, it will help you cope.

[cj1988]

I go through the same things and it has been almost a year now. Some days I am really strong and some days I am a weak child. I have stopped checking his minutes on his phone (did that all day for MONTHS) to see how long he talked to her. I did stop checking his messages to, but the serious UNKNOWN is what kills you because they CLAIM to be innocent, so it makes you feel crazy and maybe they he did, maybe he didnt thing all the time. You get angry later on more than sad. I lost almost 20 pounds and I was thin anyway. I have gained 9 back and feel a little better.

 

But, I am also looking for that secret answer, how do you make it all stop so you can move on one way or another. The answers I get are, you will know what to do one day and you will just do it. Well, like your H everyone tells me he is not remorseful because he did not sleep with her and so he is not BAD. Matter of fact he says I am terrible for accusing him although he was on tape talking to her like a lover. So, I know how confusing it all feels inside. Look up gasligting on google, see if that helps you or it may not be the case.

[Worthy of Love]

The gaslighting concept is interesting. It is definitely disorienting. Everything you thought you knew...gone. Everything you thought you understood...gone. Everything you thought was real...gone. It's such an earth shaker. I just have to find a way to cope better. I know I'm strong. I just have to find a way to find happiness and less stress. I feel especially responsible since I'm carrying a child. Already feel a lot of guilt about the strenuous first trimester I've subjected it to...really feel like I have to find a way to decompress or I'll just explode in a million little pieces. Not good for anyone.

 

While I'm rambling...one of the toughest things if feeling like I'm the only one shattered. He's on his merry way...on a business trip now...flying through life...comforting me in my grief. This is one of the things that makes me angriest. Why am I the only one falling apart about our marriage being on the verge of collapse? I simultaneously crave and resent his comfort. It might sound mean, but I truly want to come home to him in a heap crying in the corner some evening. I'd like to hear him crying himself to sleep one night. I'd like to hear him stammer through a meeting that...yet again...you haven't even thought about for one moment because you've been obsessing about how your marriage is falling apart. But he continues to function...taking care of things...catching the balls of my falling apart. And it makes me resent him. I want him to fall apart.

[abeliever]

You are not crazy! Being obsessed is not a bad thing, at least not in this situation. You see you have not uncovered the TRUTH. Ask the others and you said yourself your not sure if you want the truth or to believe what is being fed to you. We all know that really. Its hard to realize someone you loved for this long can willingly be this cruel about your feelings and your families future. But you know what? They do it and if you read on here almost everyday there is a new one. Its sad really. Oh yes it sure sounds like a mid life crisis. But don't use it as an excuse for him, sure read up on any of it. But the bottom line here is he CHOSE to keep you in the dark and betray your M and your trust!

 

With that, what do you do? You go slow uncover what you can and just know you almost never get all the TRUTH! Ask anyone here -- CHEATERS WILL LIE AND LIE AND LIE AND NEVER TELL THE TRUTH UNLESS YOU UNCOVER IT AND THROW IT IN THEIR FACE!!!!! This is no lie, yes I loathe them, sorry. The cowards should be crucified, IMO. But anyway, be smart and find out what you can and put it in his face then see the reaction. You will find YOUR TRUTH! Whatever that is but know you can come here in your "craziness" that we all have been thru and you will get thru it and we all be here pulling for you!

 

Best of luck.

abeliever

[child_of_isis]

I have a 20 year old daughter, so I can give you some insight on where her head is....hopefully.

 

First of all, 36 is OLD to this age group. They see that age as more of a "father" type.

 

It is very common to crash with friends. Crashing is just that. Very typical of this age group.

 

On the other hand....it is your H's behavior that I find disturbing. It sounds as if he is chasing this young girl. He should really take into consideration that this young girl has a father/family somewhere. In the early 20's, most are still being monitored by their parents. Albeit a bit more discretely.

 

I think he is treading on dangerous ground here....I am looking at this from a parental viewpoint. If this were my daughter, your H would be getting a "visit" from the men folk in my family.

 

See where I am coming from? I would be cluing him in on this possibility if I were you.

[Worthy of Love]

Isis -- I agree with your assessments. As I read through the emails, he is coming on to her, she is responding politely (thank you, etc., but never reciprocating compliments or come ons). So she's playing along. My husband's emails are riddled with lies to make himself appear richer and more powerful than he is, so it's clear that was his angle with her...at one point saying he could send his maid over to her apartment to clean up the place since she's so busy with college, for instance. We don't have a maid...that would be me. Ha!

 

My husband actually alluded to the issue about her being very young and it being a very dangerous situation because on their last night in Florida the girl drank so much she passed out and was convulsing and my husband took care of her through the night. He admitted that he was scared stiff (bad pun) that he was going to have to take this girl to the hospital and then have to explain what he had done, why she was there, who he was to her family/father...and likely to me too. He said that night was a wake-up call for him because he saw how dangerous and stupid their plan was was. But mind you, he immediately picked up a text message and email flirtation upon returning back home, so he wasn't scared away. His first message to her was that he thinks she's a very beautiful girl and wants to know that she makes it home safely...so contact him when she gets there.

 

But there was a very fatherly tone to it at times...even that email when they got back. And after he took care of her all night, who knows, maybe it was very fatherly...to her. He was definitely coming on to her. And at times, her tone seems "into it." Who knows. But you make a good point. Mind you...he flew three 23 year olds out with his company, so it's quite a dangerous "marketing plan" -- as he calls it.