Heartbrokenprincess Posted November 2, 2007 Posted November 2, 2007 If you were in a relationship with a great person who you loved and you decided to stray, how did your experience turn out? Was the grass really greener on the other side, or did you make a mistake? Did you try to get the previous lover back? What exactly made you realize that you had made a mistake? (Just looking for personal testimony to gain some insight on the issue.) Thanks guys ***I'm not asking this question because I was planning on leaving anyone. I just wanted some insight on the thought process of a person who betrays someone that they love and the things that made them do it.
lexi29 Posted November 2, 2007 Posted November 2, 2007 I can answer your question from two points of view- I'm not proud of this but I was with one of my exes for five years. We were going thru the usual- taking eachother for granted phase- and i didn't plan to cheat on him. It was one of those things that "just happened" My bf and I were supposed to celebrate our 5 yr anniversary by taking a trip somewhere we went every year for the week. Instead he decided he wanted to go home (we lived 5 hours away from our parents) and see his parents. We planned to spend a few days together and just go out to dinner for our anniversary. I should also mention we had problems in the bedroom as he watched too much porn and hid it from me and I'd gotten to the point I actually thought something was physically wrong with me because I hated sex. Anyhow we had all these problems and while I was visiting my parents one of my guy friends asked me to go this sporting event with him and a friend. My guy friend picked me up. The whole night his friend kept flirting with me a little and this made me feel really good and attractive. Long story short- the guy had to drive me home (my guy friend got a call and had to leave) and I felt so terrible that he had to drive 45 minutes out of his way to take me home. (I should point out that I had known him as an aquaintance for years) Well we got to my parent's house and we sat in his car and talked for about an hour. when we got out he asked for a hug and he hugged me and said to me "you know I always thought you were cute when you were younger but now you are just gorgeous!" I got all warm inside from that compliment and gave him another hug. For some reason that touch was electric. We were really close and he was rubbing my back and he said he shouldn't kiss me because he knew I had a boyfriend. Well no idea what possessed me but I reached up and kissed him. It was crazy how many sparks there were. I felt horrible afterward and actually told my bf what happened. He was willing to forgive me but I couldn't get my mind off the other guy. So after weeks of not being able to think of anyone else, I broke off my 5 yr relationship, moved 5 hours back home and started dating the new guy. The sexual relationship was incredible and there was so much excitment and passion in that relationship and everything was great for about six months till I found out he was cheating on me and I left him. To this day my ex (5 yr one) and I are still friends. He wanted to get back with me a few times but I never took the chance. from the guy's point of view here is what happened with my most recent bf. (became my ex a month ago). We were together 3 yrs and over the summer his ex (first love) got in contact with him. He even took me to meet her. A month ago- out of nowhere he left me- for her. said he'd been thinking about his past with her (15 years ago!!) and it had been so great and he thought they woudl have a great time together. So he left me for her. Well that lasted not even 3 weeks. He found out that she has way too many issues, was boring in bed and he had no interest in her (only slept with her once in 3 weeks), that she was too controlling, she wanted to get married after they'd been together only 2 weeks! and she told him he couldnt' have any contact with me ever again. So he left her exactly a week ago and has come back to me, telling me how sorry he is and wanting me to take him back. so to answer your question- yes, the grass LOOKED greener on the other side but in both cases it definately wasnt'.
lexi29 Posted November 2, 2007 Posted November 2, 2007 As to what made me realize I'd made a mistake- I fell for someone just because he paid more attention to me than my ex did. That was definately a mistake because my ex was a good guy and the new guy- not so great- I mean my ex was a good person, he was honest and he had a great job. I basically 'traded down" just because he was different than my ex. In my recent ex's case where he left me for another woman- he didn't stray physically- just emotionally and he realized his mistake when he couldnt' stop thinking about me and missing me and compared everything about the new girlfriend to me and she didn't measure up (he told me this)
reboot Posted November 2, 2007 Posted November 2, 2007 I fell for someone just because he paid more attention to me than my ex did. That was definately a mistake because my ex was a good guy and the new guy- not so great- I mean my ex was a good person, he was honest and he had a great job. I basically 'traded down" just because he was different than my ex.Interesting to hear a woman admit this. I think it happens a lot.
Toolate Posted November 3, 2007 Posted November 3, 2007 IMO wherever you go, there you are...you can run from yourself but you wont get far. (Clint black wisdom there) The happier you are with yourself the better you will be with someone. SO many relationships get so inundated with guilt and obligation. Wondering is the other one is happy, if they approve of what you are doing, if you are being a good SO. You turn the relationship into a trap and have to run. Even though it isnt. It may happen with women more because they are more emotional, men are more logical. Myself i see it like this, i can run to another woman see her for 6 months but all of my problems are still there, so whats the point in doing it. But then again sometimes a shakeup is the only thing that will work.
cant let go Posted November 3, 2007 Posted November 3, 2007 IMO wherever you go, there you are...you can run from yourself but you wont get far. (Clint black wisdom there) The happier you are with yourself the better you will be with someone. SO many relationships get so inundated with guilt and obligation. Wondering is the other one is happy, if they approve of what you are doing, if you are being a good SO. You turn the relationship into a trap and have to run. Even though it isnt. It may happen with women more because they are more emotional, men are more logical. Myself i see it like this, i can run to another woman see her for 6 months but all of my problems are still there, so whats the point in doing it. But then again sometimes a shakeup is the only thing that will work. I agree completely with what you are saying Toolate. However, my ex claims that he is making the logical choice and what he sees as the correct choice by breaking up with me. He says I rely too much on my heart and my emotions. He says that sooner or later you just need to be smart about things. The thing about it is: my ex and I had no "major issues". There was no cheating, no drug abuse, no "I like this but you hate it." It was all small things that he couldn't let go of. I understood that he was a human being that had faults and I loved him all the more and tried to always help him see the best in things. But he always blew up every negative comment or disagreement about dinner to be an incompatiblity issue. If one of us was unhappy about something he seemed to think it was a sign that we weren't compatible and he never believed that things could be worked through. He was always afraid I would "go off" if he didn't just give me what I wanted. He had no faith in me and he thought that I had no trust in him. I realize now how common our problems were. Neither of us had the skills to make the relationship work but I just hate that now that I can see how much easier it could have been, he has already moved on. He waited so long and let so much build up in him that he was well out of the relationship when he finally left. Now he is seeing someone new and he claims he is the happiest he's ever been. I believe that I love him unconditionally. I am not angry at him. I believe that he is lost and confused about love. Maybe he never truly did love me. It sure did seem like he did, though. Regardless, I can't help those who don't want to be helped. Especially those who can't even see that they need it. He envisions a perfect relationship where she will have all the same interests and same passions and same beliefs. For him, if it was right, "it would be easy." I just keep saying, "he is an idiot." That seems to get me through temporarily.
Toolate Posted November 4, 2007 Posted November 4, 2007 Im not saying this to make you feel better but once the newness wears off he will be right to back where is was with you, unhappy. I sense this isnt your fault. Hes prolly screwing up.
sedgwick Posted November 4, 2007 Posted November 4, 2007 I left someone once because he was very stable -- normal job, normal house, etc -- and I was attracted to a very passionate and intense writer. I left the nice guy for the bad guy, I am ashamed to say. The bad guy turned out to be very bad indeed, and I have NO idea what I ever saw in him. Temporary insanity, I guess. I did end up going back to the first guy, but for a variety of reasons (the biggest being the long-distance aspect of the relationship), I broke up with him again a year later. I have regretted it immensely. I saw him last night for the first time in three years. He now has a new girlfriend, and seems very happy with her. I found him very attractive and sweet and wonderful and we talked as easily as we always did. I'm so grateful that he still wants to be my friend. If he lived in the same city and we were both single, I'd definitely want to try it again. So the answer is, I thought the grass was greener and it totally wasn't. Not at all. And yes, I absolutely regretted it.
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