jennglaze Posted November 2, 2007 Posted November 2, 2007 I have been in a LDR since April. We live 80 miles from one another. We meet while we were in college and saw each other every day. We have been together for about a year. He is currently still in school and work 3 jobs to pay for school which leaves no time for us. Yet he makes time for his friends. I have some problems with his friends because they put him in situations that are not good for someone in a relationship. We talk at least once a day if not twice. When we first started dating he came to my house almost every weekend. Now I have gone to see him and he hasn't come here in over a month. Last night I told him that I was upset with the way things were going and he said that after the hoildays were over things would get better. Is he just saying this or does he really mean it? I love him very much but we have taken a break once before but it was because I was working a lot. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to break up with him I just want him to make time for me. Is it wrong for me to just show up when I know he doesn't have any plans? Please help me with this problem. We have talked about getting married before and I can see him in my future but I don't know if he sees me that way anymore.
dancinggal Posted November 4, 2007 Posted November 4, 2007 When guys put their friends before their girlfriends (in the sense that they don't make time for you at all) I always wonder what makes the guy so great that the girl wants to be with him still. He's not making time. Thats not cool, and absolutely not fair. Give him an ultimatium, tell him you understand he's tired from work, but if he wants to keep your relationship alive, he needs to spend time on you too. Lets face it, 80km is really nothing, and he should be making an effort (I wish my boy and I were only 80km away. I know for a fact he would be here whenever he could be). If he says he wants to still be in an relationship with you, write down a routine. I know its fun to keep things spontaneous, and seeing you already tried that by dropping in on him and it didn't work, tell him you need to make sure you see him once a week at least, and alocate time. You could do it week to week, or have a set time every week you do it, but you need to make sure he's willing to spend time making it work. Make sure you listen to his concerns too, if he's tired, maybe don't do anything on a day he has to work, or if he has exams, consider that he probably needs time to study. Work together, find a way to make time. If he's not willing to do that, you probably need to look at saying good bye to him. You're definately worth having someone spend time on you. Find a compromise, but if he's not willing to give you what you need, its time to say bye bye. As for dropping in on him, surely he shouldn't have a problem with that. I know people are different, and maybe he was really tired that day, but my boyfriend and I enjoy just hanging out in front of the TV doing nothing together when he was tired from work. He just enjoyed the fact I was there with him.
oppath Posted November 4, 2007 Posted November 4, 2007 When people are busy, nothing is wrong with SCHEDULING time. I've had girls literally claim they are too busy but are interested -- I counter with that means you aren't all that interested, it is ok, just be honest -- and they persist otherwise. It doesn't matter. When people are busy, sometimes something like SEX needs to be scheduled, as in "Thursday night is our sex night." Sure, it does not sound romantic to schedule it, and it is not, but sometimes if people are busy, that is how it needs to be. I see nothing wrong with saying "I want friday or saturday night to be our night, and I want to split time between your place and mine."
sally4sara Posted November 4, 2007 Posted November 4, 2007 If he is working 3 jobs and going to school AND living 80 miles from you, of course he can fit in time for his friends over you. Hangout time with someone who lives a few streets away can be achieved in the time it would take just to get to where you live. If a person has all that on their plate, a couple of hours here and there is sometimes all they can manage. What can he do with you in two hours? Not a whole lot except drive. The holidays will be over before you know it. If he doesn't make time for after that, then you have an argument.
goxcrazy19 Posted November 6, 2007 Posted November 6, 2007 This is reallly wrong...he shouldnt be like this towards you...you should talk with him about it again,and if he really misses you,he would be coming to see you as often as he can.no matter how many miles you are apart,and if he would rather spend a day hanging out with his buddies than coming back and spending it with you than heres advice for you DUMP HIM! me and my bf been in a long distance relatioship the whole school year, and we were two hours apart...he came home every weekend just to spend time with me, and he balanced great me and his friends..and it made me sooo happy. dont be afraid to talk to him!
sally4sara Posted November 7, 2007 Posted November 7, 2007 This is reallly wrong...he shouldnt be like this towards you...you should talk with him about it again,and if he really misses you,he would be coming to see you as often as he can.no matter how many miles you are apart,and if he would rather spend a day hanging out with his buddies than coming back and spending it with you than heres advice for you DUMP HIM! me and my bf been in a long distance relatioship the whole school year, and we were two hours apart...he came home every weekend just to spend time with me, and he balanced great me and his friends..and it made me sooo happy. dont be afraid to talk to him! Was your boyfriend working three jobs while going to school at that time? I can only say I the OP well and hope she can find some faith in her bf that he means it when he says it will get better soon. I hope you find some patience and understanding because as you get older and more mature, you start realizing that in a relationship it isn't ALL about your needs and feelings; its about your partner too. You can fuss and throw a tantrum and say what he should or could do to show how important YOU are to him, but you will also be showing him how important HIS needs and feeling are to you. Me, I'd rather know that anytime my bf spent with me was time he chose to spend and felt good about spending with me rather than think the time he gave me was to shut me up.
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