Can't afford a therapist

[sbe]

I'm gonna start with a quick info of what my life has been for the past ten yrs. Just barely a Junior in high school, and the child of a very conservative christian family, I had a life changing experience. I found out I was pregnant. My boyfriend at the time claimed he would help me, but he decided he would cheat on me instead--with a friend of mine! I'm guessing that I wasn't ever in love with him because as soon as I found out he was cheating, I left him and it didn't even hurt...even though I was pregnant. The most painful thing about that time of my life was that I was only 17, and my parents were so disappointed in me. My family has never been racist and always taught me to love everyone as equals. However, I never revealed to them that I even had a boyfriend, much less that he was black. So upon shocking them with whammy after whammy of traumatic information, they tried to talk me into adoption. I couldn't bare the thought of my child being out in the world without me. And now that I see how young and dumb I was at the choices I made back then, I still would do the same thing. I managed to still graduate, just one point shy of "with honors" (not very talented at speaking foreign languages), and I moved into my own place and started a second job. I regret that I missed alot of my son's "first times" but I did what I had to do.

 

When my son was about 8 months old, I met a man named Thomas through a friend and we started dating. He turned into my best friend and eventually very serious bf. We dated for 2 yrs. which was BIG for me because I fell in love with him. He loved my son like he was his own, and he made me so happy. A few months after he got me AND my son's name tattooed on his chest (pretty serious commitment), he left me. He had started a new job and met a girl that he knew in high school...and honestly don't know what happened with that one...still confused. I know I loved him because when he left it was like a funeral everyday. I was crushed.

 

I moved in with some friends of mine and tried to get on with my life. Now not to sound racist once again...I hung around with a mostly urban crowd. I was attracted to black men. Alot of women no matter what color they are, can agree with me that dating a black man is not the easiest thing. I'm not trying to stereotype but I had alot of guy friends that were black and they treated their girls the same way. It was like being a "player" was the cool thing to do. So still crushed about the breakup I decided I would be a player myself. Still young and stupid at this point I found out I was pregnant again. Which is crazy because I was on birth control but obviously it CAN happen. So the guy was just some one night stand and shamefully I was forced to break my parents' hearts once again. But before that I considered abortion. I actually drove two hours away to a clinic and I'll never forget that day as long as I live. I sat in an office with about 15 other girls and as I'm sitting there, a couple of the girls were bragging about how this wasnt their first abortion. And this is while they are looking a magazines, laughing, joking. It was hell. I sat there thinking "What the HELL am I doing?". I had always been Pro-life and what kind of hipocrit had I become? Just because I didn't want to own up to my sinful behavior and tell my parents, was I really gonna go through with this? Well when my turn came, by that time I was so shook up from the disturbance in the waiting room and the protestors and church members marching and chanting outside, I was balling. The nurse asked if I was gonna be okay and I said yes. So she began to do a sonnogram,to I guess find the location of the fetus. But she saw how upset I was and even though they are not allowed to do this, she turned the monitor towards me and said she would be back. As I sat there in stirrups staring at my baby I knew right then that I was getting out of that hell hole right then. The nurse acted relieved at my descision and 8 mos. later I was holding my baby girl.

 

So from there I was a single 19-yr-old mother, with two babies, and no idea where my life was headed. Just living day to day. I started going to community college for graphic design and I was working full time. I saw I guy I had dated a few times, one day, and we started dating again. He was funny and cute until he got mad. He was a professional boxer and a VERY controlling person. I wasted almost two yrs. with this man, who drove all my friends away and terrorized my life. When I finally got smart and got a restraining order on him, I decided that I should quit looking for a man and focus on my self esteem...which this man had torn to shreds. Man I really know how to pick them dont I?

 

About a month after my daughter's 2nd birthday, I met my husband A.J. He was like my night in shining armor, here to fix all the things these men had done to me, and make me happy again. He was so sweet to my kids and treated me like a queen. I was in love again. We were so much alike in so many ways, it was like he was half of me. Well after a yr. of dating, we ran into some problems with my son's dad, and decided that in the best interest of my son, we needed to move away from my home town. Two weeks before the move I happened to run into Thomas. He explained that leaving me was the stupidest thing he had ever done. Apparently he married the girl he worked with, and she cheated so they divorced. I guess what goes around comes around after all. Anyway he begged me for another chance, promised he would never hurt me again. But I didn't love him anymore, I loved AJ. So that's the last time I talked to him, but sometimes I wonder if I made the right choice.

 

So me and AJ and the kids moved to a town five hrs. away, where my brother lived, and we got married at the JP's office that same day. My brother helped us for the first few months get on our feet. From there I was able to feel like I was doing something with my life. I was finally off welfare and foodstamps and housing, and it was the best feeling in the world!

 

Now to get down to the big problem. My husband AJ and I get along so well it's crazy that we are separating. We have been married for four years, together 5. I have to admit it's been the best yrs of my life and I can't see myself with anyone else. We click. We have so many common interest, and he has been such a good husband and daddy to my kids. My daughter just thinks the world of him...and that's why I'm having such a hard time with our separation.

 

The thing about AJ is his lack of communication. He absolutely hates confrontation. So the few times that we do fight, it's mostly me yelling and nagging and him just sitting there. This is so frustrating to me because I never really know why he's upset about something. He will mope and not talk to me, and he's the same way when he's really tired. I still don't know how to differentiate between the two. I'm the kind of person that likes to work out the problem, sleep on it, and start a new day. He's the kind of person that holds it in, until he blows up and leaves. When I say leave, I mean quit his job, not even tell me he's leaving, and running to his mama's house two hrs away. After a couple of long, heart-wrenching days, he comes home and apologizes. Then he acts like it never happened...back to our happy little marriage. This has happened 4 times since we've been together, and now it's on the 5th. He got a really good job 3 months ago, and I'm back in school. We have been looking to buy a house and things have really been looking up for us. But for the past couple of weeks he has worked alot and been acting depressed. I have had my own battle with depression lately, mostly due to my traumatic past, but I'm trying to stay positive.

 

Well anyway, his cousin came to visit for a couple of days and I just had this weird feeling that something bad was fixing to happen. When he went to work this morning his cousin had to travel back to his home and go to work. At around lunch time I heard a car door slam and looked outside and saw that my husband was home. When I opened the door I saw the tail end of his cousin's car and no AJ! He had left the phone and the keys in the unlocked car and he's gone. He quit his job as usual, and now he's with his cousin back in my hometown. He never faced me to tell me it was over. He just told his boss when he quit. He even went by and paid the rent( pay day today) but he left me no money. He didnt even take none of his stuff. I havent talked to him since he left this morning, gave me a kiss, and said he would see me after work. The worst part of the drama, is that tommorow is his 30th birthday, and my family had planned to cook steaks and my mom bought him clothes and ordered him a birthday cake. We were suppose to have his birthday party tonight...and he knew about it. He even went by my parents' house and paid my dad back $100 dollars we had owed him, before he left. So I know he sounds like a big jerk, and I'm not taking up for him but the truth is that he is a really good man-besides this problem with him leaving me. I feel betrayed and I don't trust him because of it. I know he will be back and sorry once more, but how much of this can I take? I can't live my life worried that whatever problems he has is gonna cause him to leave me. I took the vows seriously. He did grow up in a home with a single mother and a father that never cared for him. He despises his dad and what he did to him, so I don't know why he's doing this shady thing. I don't know if he has some sort of chemical inbalance or what. So I'm stuck because I love him and I'll always want him to come home...but if he's gonna make a yearly ritual out of leaving me, then why do I keep letting him back in? My kids are 9 & 7 now, and that's there Daddy in their eyes. I just don't know what to do. Please help someone, and sorry for such a long post.

[Ladyjane14]

Honey, your past is just that... your past. It's not important any more. Once you acknowledge your power, your control over TODAY, you're not going to feel the need for therapy. It's just one post, but it doesn't sound to me like there's anything really wrong with you.

 

The only problem you really seem to have is that you haven't learned all there is to know about being married. And hey... it's a daily adventure that no one accomplishes to perfection.

 

You might give yourself a bit of a "crash course" with some books on communications and ENs (Emotional Needs). My recommendation to you would be to start with The Five Love Languages by Chapman, His Needs / Her Needs by Harley, and Love Busters also by Harley.

 

Type into your browser, Big Boys Don't Cry, Readers Digest and read the article you find there. It'll help you understand how disadvantaged men can initially be while they're working out their emotional junk.

 

Oh... and not to upset you, but you'd do well to rule out an affair. Sometimes a guy gets involved with somebody else when he's overcome by familial anxiety. It can be a bit of an "exit strategy" whereby he rationalizes his abandonment of the family as feelings for someone else rather than just being scared spitless that his life's not turning out the way he thought it would.

 

Type into your browser, what are plan a and plan b, marriagebuilders, and read the article you find there. Read through the Basic Concepts section as well. The same "Plan A" that you would utilize to deal with a cheating spouse can also be effective on a merely recalcitrant one. If I were you, I'd start with a really strong "Plan A". But don't be pushy. It's kind of like taming a barn cat. You want to offer him a saucer of milk, so he associates you with a good experience whenever he's with you, but not scare him off by coming on strong.

 

Meantime, live in the NOW. Let yesterday go. You were once a dumb kid, but hey... weren't we all?

[sbe]

LadyJane-

Thanks so much for your input. I will look up those references today.

[quankanne]

also check with local churches or community services to see who offers marriage enrichment and counseling programs. Most of the time they're low-cost, simply because those entities *want* to see marriages succeed, so they'll do whatever they can to help couples. Churches in particular look at it as their ministry to the people of God to offer to help ... I'm pretty sure there are churches who don't demand that you join just to get help, you know?

 

sounds like your husband is a great guy, but hits a wall at a certain point in the relationship and just doesn't have the tools to tell you what's going on or how to help him through it. The only tool he does have is to walk away, and that's what he does. Not necessarily "bad," just not the preferred way of dealing with things.