AurorasStar Posted November 2, 2007 Posted November 2, 2007 So I've been dating this guy on and off for a few years. My previous post (sadly, my posts now belong in the breaking up section) asked what does the phrase 'i'm scared to get hurt' mean? Tonight he caught me online (I'm moving cities... have a new job, getting a new apartment in the morning and, oh, it's in HIS city two hours away from my current apt and job) and said he'd been thinking a lot. I asked about what. He said that his love was there for me but he isn't ready for a relationship because it's too stressfull. He wants to get his MBA and busy season (he's an accountant) is coming up and he won't have time for a relationship. I calmly (well, I wasn't calm, I was crying and biting my tongue), asked him if we could talk about this like adults when I was to see him the for dinner the following day. He said he wasn't sure because he didn't have anything else to say. I told him that I did, that I had a million things to say and that I needed to see his face, hear his voice and watch his reaction. He said they'd be full of shame but to call him when I was ready to meet up. So... in a summary... we went from 3 years on-off again dating. He fell in love with me but I was always with someone. Or he was with someone when I wasn't. We finally made it work where we saw one another and we've been seeing one another for about six months. I hate my current job. Was looking for another and decided I'd love to be closer to him (i know, bad idea) and love to be in a bigger metro area because I miss the arts. He encouraged me but continually said I'd have little luck and it'd be a year or two before he thought I'd make the move. Well I up and suprised him and said that I got the job, I'm moving closer and yay, let's celebrate. Now... I am not sure I can be his friend after all this. I'm way too emotionally involved. He asked me for my ring size and talked marriage three weeks ago!!! Do I tell him I can't see him for a few weeks? No contact with him? Do I suggest we have dates but see other people? Do pretend like everything is fine? He confessed tonight he didn't want me to move for him. I can't say that I am not... He is a big reason why I was moving to that particular city, but a new job was what I wanted. I'm so lost right now. Any help or insight would be helpful...
Racquel Colette Posted November 2, 2007 Posted November 2, 2007 This is going to be tough to hear but you need to hear it. If it has been on again off again for three years, that is a man who is not in love with you. That is a man who is just not that into you. Please read that book. And get him out of your life cold turkey, he doesn't love you at all.
Author AurorasStar Posted November 2, 2007 Author Posted November 2, 2007 I have the book... bought it after my fiance told me that the u-haul should be unpacked because we should just be friends. And as for the on-off again situation, well, that has always been on my part. He left his girlfriend last November (I'm starting to recognize a pattern with him) stating he was going to be stressed and busy and that he was in love with me so it wasn't fair to her. We started back up semi-serious in April as a LDR without titles (my choice). He asked me to move in with him and I didn't think that was a positive choice while job searching and relocating into a relationship that was every-other-weekend. He was okay with that but then was not as encouraging when it came to interviews, the future, my impending move. His affections never changed while I was with him (even this past weekend). And as far as the book... in my opinion it's full of a lot of stories/situations that can ring true for any one. But to be honest, I found it to be a bit like lyrics. When you're hurt you look for justification. A reason so that there's closure. When you're hurt you turn on the radio hoping for distraction and magically you have these lyrics that mimic the way you feel and you wait to see if the lovers get back together in the end of the song. When they don't you're sad but wait for the next song. As with the book, well I still have it. Will probably page through it again. But realize that sometimes the "I'm scared" is really about commitment phobia. Sometimes it's really about growing up or is stress related. Sometimes they just don't love you the way they pretend to. As for me... I've found the books and songs are things I'll use when I'm alone, have half a wine bottle empty and the Greys Anatomy DVD wears out.
Author AurorasStar Posted November 4, 2007 Author Posted November 4, 2007 I know only one person replied, but thought I'd vent some more and if anyone has insight into out "talk" it would be appreciated. I met him after I went apartment hunting. I called, per his request, when I was ready to talk. He asked me if I'd come over. I did and he wrapped his arms around me when I walked through the door. We sat down on opposite chairs and he asked me about my day. Then said he wanted to know if I'd go to the mall with him to walk around. I agreed thinking he wanted a public venue. We walked around for a bit and then he asked if I'd like to stay for dinner. He hinted at the topic at hand but I was leaving the ball in his court- he's the one who wants to break things off. I accepted his dinner invitation and we went grocery shopping and back to his place to cook. While in the grocery store we talked about my apartment search and how I couldn't move-in until the 19th, leaving me homeless for about 12 days. He told me to stay with him. I told him it wasn't needed, that I could spend it in a hotel. When we were walking back to the car with our bags he stated that it's a waste of money and that his offer still stands. We cooked together, and at one point he turned and said he needed another hug. We cooked in silence the whole time. His roommate came home and asked if this was a romantic dinner or if he could have some, too. (Obviously he wasn't aware of the impending break.) I said no and walked out of the kitchen and waited to be called back in. We all ate and laughed and joked like every other time we've hung out. The next thing I knew it was nearly 1am and he asked me if I'd like to spend the night. I said that it wasn't needed, I could try to find another place for the night (driving home is two hours away until I finally get moved down there). He starting turning off lights and I said fine, please get me a blanket. He told me to get in his bed, that it was 'alright'. I climbed in, fully clothed and kept my distance. After about ten minutes of silence, when I was nearly asleep I heard him say 'Can I ask you a question?' I rolled over and so did he, now we're looking at one another and I say 'shoot.' He says, "Why not Chicago? Why Indianapolis?" --this is about my job search and my moving down there-- I told him the truth. My parents asked me to stay closer to them for personal/family reasons. We didn't say anything to one another after that. I don't know if he was thinking for the next half hour or if he fell asleep and did it out of habit, but he scooted closer and wrapped himself around me. We slept like that until I woke and got up to breathe. I thought I would have a panic attack because of the uncertainity and the fact that we hadn't solved any problems. When I climbed back into bed I kept my distance again. I think I was testing him, or testing my strength. Not sure. But he found his way back to me and in the morning he got up and showered, I got up and left, we said goodbye and that we'd see eachother soon. So now my thinking is: A) He thought/thinks I was/am moving soley for him. B) I asked for a commitment and he is pretty much a certified commitment phobe--- he wants the rest of his life but he wants it on his terms C) He will chase for three years but when he realizes he's got what he wanted he doesn't know what to do with it My plans are up in the air right now. I have a good week to pack my boxes and give him space. Anyways, that's the update.
Racquel Colette Posted November 4, 2007 Posted November 4, 2007 There is no such thing as a commitment phobe. Men are only afraid of commitment when they are with the wrong one.
norajane Posted November 4, 2007 Posted November 4, 2007 So you two didn't really talk. He has fears of some kind, or he might not be so into you. It's hard to tell since you didn't ask him any of the questions on your mind. Maybe next time you see him, just tell him he's right. That you've done a lot of thinking, and if he's hesitant about being with you, then you need to move on because you want a relationship with a man who loves you and is sure about it. Take the choice away from him. Force him to think about your relationship in terms of what he is losing. I think he got cold feet, and needs to see that you are independent and aren't going to glom onto him when you move.
Author AurorasStar Posted November 17, 2007 Author Posted November 17, 2007 So... I accepted his offer to stay with him while I was(am) homeless. I can move into my apartment on Monday. I've been here, at his house, since Sunday. He's been nice. Cordial. He asked for a kiss Tuesday night and I denied him. He asked me why and I said because friends don't kiss like he wants to kiss. He asked me if I wanted to kiss him and I said that was not the point. He said he was stupid. I cried and said I was angry and didn't want to let him kiss me. He said he was scared, he said he lied about his feelings to himself. That he's always loved me. That things will work out. We need to take things slow now that I'm here and there won't be a LDR. So things seem rocky, but getting better. I told him we had communication issues, he agreed and we decided to work on them. How to do this, I can only guess. On a side-note... a girl-friend of his is moving into his house this coming week (he has another guy roommate). Supposedly it is only for 6 months and just to help her out. But it does make me jealous. And I do feel like she's a threat. Perhaps after I am settled in we'll get things worked out. I'm just going to take it one day at a time. Just thought I'd let everyone know what's going on.
MattyTee Posted November 17, 2007 Posted November 17, 2007 Hey Aurora, I just wanted to wish you the best of luck. I think it's good that you are strong enough to put your foot down for what you want - that is a good sign You are absolutely right to take it one day at a time and move through slowly. With regards to communication it certainly won't hurt to pick something up like "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus". That can be a starting point. We are sort of thrust into relationships with no map or compass and expected to muddle our way through. It doesn't have to be like that, there are ways to learn Good luck!
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