Ocean-Blue Posted November 2, 2007 Posted November 2, 2007 OK, so I've been dating this guy for approximately 8 months. So far, it has been pretty good - with some ups and downs. My ex and I were always on the same page about things. We both interpreted a particular situation similarly. Now his way of handling things was to be passive and not let things get to him too much. I've always been a very sensitive person and I react to things impulsively. With my current bf, it seems like I'm sometimes socially inept. Here's an example. There's this guy I know (I've know him for about 2 years, on and off). This person (let's call him David) has had a crush on me for the last year or so. He admitted this to me recently. He and I talk via msn and I've seen him a few times during the summers (we're both in the same field - or I will be once I graduate). Anyway, David is really weird. His idea of wooing a woman is the same as that of a 6 year old. He is rude, crass, and not very subtle with his sexually suggestive comments. My bf knows this. At first he was amused that David was as desperate (to talk to a girl with a bf this way)...but he now gets on my case for "taking the bait". David comes on MSN and has a habit of mimicking whatever I have on my MSN display by using it in his (but changing it up). So not wanting to make a big deal out of it, I will message him back saying "wow you're not so subtle, are you" and stuff like that. My bf thinks I'm being an idiot by repeatedly initiating conversation with this guy. David has said dumb things like coming to my city for a "booty call" and other such nonsense. My bf isn't angry about the sexual nature of David's comments, rather he gets irritated with ME for initiating conversation. He says that this shows David that he's "won" by getting under my skin. I tell my bf that I don't want David to know that he bothers me...and really he doesn't. Sure sometimes his comments are irritating, but what do I care? My point is that this specific example is illustrative of a larger "issue", that is, we both seem to share different perspectives on certain situations. My bf isn't a big fan of showing weakness - the guy is as confident as they come and rarely ever lets things get to him. He thinks I wear my heart on my sleeve and need to "toughen up" and let things go. What do you guys think?
norajane Posted November 2, 2007 Posted November 2, 2007 I think you initiating conversations with David is bothering your bf, and by ignoring his concerns and continuing to initiate with David, you are not respecting your bf's feelings. It doesn't matter if you agree or not with your bf's perspective - is continuing to start IM conversations with David worth constantly upsetting your bf? AS to your larger issue, you have to decide whether your differences in perspective are about important, serious issues, or if it's smaller issues that don't matter much in the long run. And the longer you are together, the easier it will become to understand each other. Give it time, and communicate!
Author Ocean-Blue Posted November 2, 2007 Author Posted November 2, 2007 I think you initiating conversations with David is bothering your bf, and by ignoring his concerns and continuing to initiate with David, you are not respecting your bf's feelings. It doesn't matter if you agree or not with your bf's perspective - is continuing to start IM conversations with David worth constantly upsetting your bf? AS to your larger issue, you have to decide whether your differences in perspective are about important, serious issues, or if it's smaller issues that don't matter much in the long run. And the longer you are together, the easier it will become to understand each other. Give it time, and communicate! Thanks for responding norajane! The thing is, my boyfriend is not the type to get upset over such things. We both are fairly independent people who have friends of the opposite sex. He knows that some of my male friends have liked me in the past and it doesn't bother him. The reason he's getting upset with this whole David thing is b/c he thinks I'm making myself look like an idiot by repeatedly talking to David. My bf thinks David is trying to get under my skin and that I am, by virtue of my actions, letting him win. Our difference in perspective is usually about the small stuff. We share similar values and goals, etc. However, he seems to be the "stronger" one. He is the kind of guy that lets things go and handles whatever situation with ease (whereas I lead with my emotions). It's like I'm the damn yin and he's the yang. He's always so together and calm and I seem like this raving lunatic who has this incessant need to let others get under her skin. My ex and I were much more similar in terms of our outlook. Dating my bf has certainly opened my eyes. I have to say I've become a bit "healthier" in terms of my interpersonal relationships...HOWEVER, it does get a bit irritating at times...you know?
norajane Posted November 2, 2007 Posted November 2, 2007 Yes, I know. And because he's always so together and calm, you really, really need to pay attention when he expresses that he is upset about something. The reason he's getting upset with this whole David thing is b/c Since David is not important to you and your bf is, it does not matter why bf is upset about the whole David thing! The thing to focus on is that he is upset. He may be saying it's because of whatever, but he has let this get under his skin and he may not be expressing exactly why...he's probably not going to come out and talk about his feelings and whether they are irrational or not or why it makes him so angry and yes, jealous... He's upset, and you can do something to fix that. Do you want to prove some kind of point to your bf (or to David), or do you want to be happy?
Author Ocean-Blue Posted November 2, 2007 Author Posted November 2, 2007 Yes, I know. And because he's always so together and calm, you really, really need to pay attention when he expresses that he is upset about something. Since David is not important to you and your bf is, it does not matter why bf is upset about the whole David thing! The thing to focus on is that he is upset. He may be saying it's because of whatever, but he has let this get under his skin and he may not be expressing exactly why...he's probably not going to come out and talk about his feelings and whether they are irrational or not or why it makes him so angry and yes, jealous... He's upset, and you can do something to fix that. Do you want to prove some kind of point to your bf (or to David), or do you want to be happy? Well I've removed David from my list. The only way he can contact me now is via facebook I guess (or email, should he choose). I highly doubt my boyfriend is jealous. I'd know/sense it somehow, no? But you're right, it's not worth getting my panties in a knot... Again, thanks for responding. Your insight was helpful.
norajane Posted November 2, 2007 Posted November 2, 2007 Oh, yes, I think he might be jealous: At first he was amused that David was as desperate (to talk to a girl with a bf this way)...but he now gets on my case for "taking the bait". He was amused when he thought David was desperate. And then he got upset with you when you kept talking to him and initiating...David's inept and desperate ploys seemed to be working (or that's how it appeared to your bf)! Like I said, a calm, cool, 'stoic' guy isn't going to come out and tell you he's jealous or that he has 'feelings'. He doesn't like talking about feelings. But he does get jealous, he does have feelings. So when a little sign of it comes out, there's more under the surface. When you want to know how he's 'feeling' about something, ask him what he 'thinks' about it. It's much easier for him to tell you what he's thinking - it's all about logic and reason - but really, it amounts to the same thing as what he's feeling. He just thinks of it in terms of logic and reason, rather than a supposedly irrational feeling. That's probably why he's focused on David 'winning', rather than coming out and saying he feels jealous. Good luck!
Author Ocean-Blue Posted November 4, 2007 Author Posted November 4, 2007 Oh, yes, I think he might be jealous: He was amused when he thought David was desperate. And then he got upset with you when you kept talking to him and initiating...David's inept and desperate ploys seemed to be working (or that's how it appeared to your bf)! Like I said, a calm, cool, 'stoic' guy isn't going to come out and tell you he's jealous or that he has 'feelings'. He doesn't like talking about feelings. But he does get jealous, he does have feelings. So when a little sign of it comes out, there's more under the surface. When you want to know how he's 'feeling' about something, ask him what he 'thinks' about it. It's much easier for him to tell you what he's thinking - it's all about logic and reason - but really, it amounts to the same thing as what he's feeling. He just thinks of it in terms of logic and reason, rather than a supposedly irrational feeling. That's probably why he's focused on David 'winning', rather than coming out and saying he feels jealous. Good luck! That's an interesting idea norajane...asking him what he thinks being similar to asking him how he feels...hmmm... I should try that with him. We had a very interesting conversation last night about our differences. Like I've said, it can be somewhat frustrating being with someone who is so well composed, while I've been this major scatterbrain. It's actually nice to be with someone who views things differently than I do...it provides me with much needed perspective. Again, thanks for your advice!
Ariadne Posted November 4, 2007 Posted November 4, 2007 Hey, You've known David for two years and he's been your pal... and you are going to ditch him because of your bf's insecurities? Let your bf deal with it. If you are feeling intimidated by the supposedly "confidence" of your bf, then not being yourself is not going to help. If he is so confident then he should be able to accept you as you are. Ariadne
Author Ocean-Blue Posted November 4, 2007 Author Posted November 4, 2007 Hey, You've known David for two years and he's been your pal... and you are going to ditch him because of your bf's insecurities? Let your bf deal with it. If you are feeling intimidated by the supposedly "confidence" of your bf, then not being yourself is not going to help. If he is so confident then he should be able to accept you as you are. Ariadne Hey Ariadne! Actually, David is no friend of mine. He's a total a$$. The only reason I even put up with him was b/c he's in the profession that I'm in school for...so we will no doubt end up running into each other once I begin working. I just don't want to burn any bridges, you know? David has been an obvious flirt from the get go. He makes comments about my a$$ all the time. His sexual innuendo is not very subtle. And he does this knowing that I have a boyfriend. My bf doesn't want me to stop talking to David. Rather, he wants me to be "smart" about it...you know, not let David know that he's getting to me with his silly juvenile attempts at trying to get my attention. If my bf were to ever suggest that I stop talking to a friend...well that would be a different story altogether.
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