Lost Student Posted November 2, 2007 Posted November 2, 2007 Okay, I know there is no magic formula to wait for commitment and that all situations are different....but I am just wondering what everyone's general thoughts are on the subject. I have been living with my boyfriend for the past year (4 months involving actually sharing a lease together). Out relationship is really great - we get along perfectly and never fight, etc. We were at a wedding recently, and everyone we knew kept teasing us about when we are getting married, etc. The problem is that the thought doesn't seem a distant possibility in his mind. If other people ask he responds - maybe when we finish graduate school (this is in approximately 3+ years!) I am not saying that I want to get married immediately - but I would like to see that he thinks of more serious things (he is 30) in the present time and not off in some-far distant future. Maybe engagement (even a very long engagement before marriage) etc, but just something on a more committed level. I am starting to get frustrated, and I think this is leading to serious resentment from my part. I and am starting to wonder if it is better to look elsewhere for a more serious-minded guy instead (okay, to be honest, there is no way I am waiting around 3+ years for this one). So I am wondering, how long to you think is appropriate to wait for a guy to want to commit? And when is it time to jump ship and go look for something else more serious?
Ocean-Blue Posted November 2, 2007 Posted November 2, 2007 Okay, I know there is no magic formula to wait for commitment and that all situations are different....but I am just wondering what everyone's general thoughts are on the subject. I have been living with my boyfriend for the past year (4 months involving actually sharing a lease together). Out relationship is really great - we get along perfectly and never fight, etc. We were at a wedding recently, and everyone we knew kept teasing us about when we are getting married, etc. The problem is that the thought doesn't seem a distant possibility in his mind. If other people ask he responds - maybe when we finish graduate school (this is in approximately 3+ years!) I am not saying that I want to get married immediately - but I would like to see that he thinks of more serious things (he is 30) in the present time and not off in some-far distant future. Maybe engagement (even a very long engagement before marriage) etc, but just something on a more committed level. I am starting to get frustrated, and I think this is leading to serious resentment from my part. I and am starting to wonder if it is better to look elsewhere for a more serious-minded guy instead (okay, to be honest, there is no way I am waiting around 3+ years for this one). So I am wondering, how long to you think is appropriate to wait for a guy to want to commit? And when is it time to jump ship and go look for something else more serious? Depends all on the couple really. Does your bf know that you want a commitment? Is it possible that he's afraid of what you may think/say and thus has kept his mouth shut about the subject?
BeautifulMusic Posted November 2, 2007 Posted November 2, 2007 You said you've lived together one year... how long have you been together, overall? Also, is it possible he thinks you might not want to get married until after graduate school because grad school is a really stressful, busy time and he thinks you might not want to start a marriage and take on grad school at the same time? Or maybe he feels this way. Or it is entirely possible that this isn't the timeline he has in his head at all but is giving people an answer to be polite while being private about what he would like. I'm really tired; hope I phrased that right!
Saxis Posted November 2, 2007 Posted November 2, 2007 (okay, to be honest, there is no way I am waiting around 3+ years for this one) Based on this statement, I think you should already be looking elsewhere, and give this poor guy a chance to heal right now. What do you mean by "this one"??? Are there others? I don't see how you are "waiting around", you're with him aren't you? To answer the question, I think 2 years is good for me. I'll be much more careful next time...
norajane Posted November 2, 2007 Posted November 2, 2007 I am not saying that I want to get married immediately - but I would like to see that he thinks of more serious things (he is 30) in the present time and not off in some-far distant future. Have you two ever discussed what a marriage would mean to both of you? Discussed housing and what city you would want to live in, when you would want to buy a house once you have enough for a down payment, what kind of lifestyle you want to have, how you each feel about children, how you would care for the child/ren and whether one of you would be a stay at home, or if both would work, how you would handle financial matters, bills, investments, spending and saving money, how you would handle housework, how you will handle conflict once it does arise (and it will), etc.? Because those are all serious matters and you really need to understand both your views on those issues before deciding you want to marry each other. Start talking about those kinds of things - one by one over time, not all at once! - and see if you're actually compatible in what you want out of life. You'll also see if he's interested and right there with you on the commitment thing, or if he's hesitant, or if he wants no part of it.
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