KittenMoon Posted November 2, 2007 Posted November 2, 2007 A few weeks ago, after avoiding the subject and acting ambivalent for over a year and a half, I finally forced my exbf to say he didn't love me and we'd never be together again. I'm glad and relieved to have the finality, but it really hurts still, now that it feels like "for good". I can't stop crying again. God, I wish he would have just said this forever ago so I wouldn't feel like this now.
Sanslatete Posted November 2, 2007 Posted November 2, 2007 I know what you mean kitten, it's dreadful to realise the 'true' meaning of 'for good'. It just seems like words for a long time, but when reality settles in and you get the real feeling of that finality it really hurts. The time stretches out into the distance and it's hard to bear and appreciate that much of your life without them after being so close. I wish I didn't have to go through this either and at the very least, have gone through it ages ago so that I was recovered by now and looking back without all the emotions attached. Time is just an abstract thing until you have to live through it, and when you feel like shyt it drags like nothing on earth, as if to spite you. I wish you all the best in your hard times, we're all going through the same, although I know you can only really concentrate or appreciate your own pain just now.
wowIlose Posted November 2, 2007 Posted November 2, 2007 ugh.. I am having a rough day too.. sick and tired of feeling this way. You'd think that sometimes you would have more control over how you feel but its difficult. Anyway, a lot of us on here are feeling your pain so your not alone and we all will eventually move on.
Author KittenMoon Posted November 2, 2007 Author Posted November 2, 2007 Sometimes its just so frustrating knowing how <i>he just wouldn't say it</i> for so long- how could he not see how that would hurt me so bad? Why couldn't he have just smothered that hope, god, months, a YEAR ago. I asked for it so many times.
wowIlose Posted November 2, 2007 Posted November 2, 2007 Maybe because he enjoyed having you on a string? He probably wanted to have some fallback whenever he wanted.. selfish..
MattyTee Posted November 2, 2007 Posted November 2, 2007 *hugs* Kitten! I'm sorry that you're going through this. I've had a crappy day too. Allow the tears to come.
Sanslatete Posted November 2, 2007 Posted November 2, 2007 Or he was scared to make that final move that there was no going back from?
Author KittenMoon Posted November 2, 2007 Author Posted November 2, 2007 Maybe because he enjoyed having you on a string? He probably wanted to have some fallback whenever he wanted.. selfish.. Or he was scared to make that final move that there was no going back from? I don't think he did anything purposeful, I never have. He's just not that kinda person. But it doesn't matter. No offense to you guys, but most of the LS folks I used to whine with are long gone, moved on, new SOs, and I'm still here, still sad, and I shouldn't be. I don't want who he is. But I'm just so sad still.
MattyTee Posted November 2, 2007 Posted November 2, 2007 Well you can whine with us too It's okay to feel sad, you don't need to feel like you shouldn't be. There is still grief about what you lost, even if you don't want that now. Perhaps you've been waiting for this moment and haven't let go yet. The pain will be just as real now as it was then because you have been holding it. You said you felt relief and that's a sign that those emotions and feelings are being released. I doubt I can really say anything to help. Just know that we're here *hugs*
Sanslatete Posted November 2, 2007 Posted November 2, 2007 I don't want who he is. But I'm just so sad still. Yeah, I know, I still miss the woman I knew and loved so dearly but she's not her any more so it's kinda like mourning a ghost. I didn't like the woman she became but I still miss who she was.
Author KittenMoon Posted November 2, 2007 Author Posted November 2, 2007 Yeah, I know, I still miss the woman I knew and loved so dearly but she's not her any more so it's kinda like mourning a ghost. I didn't like the woman she became but I still miss who she was. It doesn't help all my friends keep getting married to these amazing people. Every day real loves stares me in the face, and I wonder why mine wasn't good enough.
Sanslatete Posted November 2, 2007 Posted November 2, 2007 You're not alone there kitten, I wanted nothing more than to be with my ex 'til the end...but she and destiny had other ideas. I see loved up couples all the time and it gets my hackles up. So what's ahead for you and me is in the lap of the gods (whoever they are).
Author KittenMoon Posted November 2, 2007 Author Posted November 2, 2007 You're not alone there kitten, I wanted nothing more than to be with my ex 'til the end...but she and destiny had other ideas. I see loved up couples all the time and it gets my hackles up. So what's ahead for you and me is in the lap of the gods (whoever they are). The funny thing is my ex always wanted to marry me, and I was hesitant because were were young. Makes me feel like I'm being punished.
Sanslatete Posted November 2, 2007 Posted November 2, 2007 I often feel punished kitten, but the punishment doesn't fit the crime I feel. My ex used to text me saying she'd marry me tomorrow if she could and I wish I'd gone ahead with it. I don't have that now and I so miss it and her.
jerbear Posted November 2, 2007 Posted November 2, 2007 But it doesn't matter. No offense to you guys, but most of the LS folks I used to whine with are long gone, moved on, new SOs, and I'm still here, still sad, and I shouldn't be. I don't want who he is. But I'm just so sad still. I remember them. Well LS was designed move along the phases and just disappear. Sometimes it just requires the truth to come out. The love is just not there. I've broke NC before and still think about it. It is not easy but it is something that has to be done. Tomorrow I'm just going out for drinks and "don't care". Live life fuller. Have you called any of your friends and have a girls night out?
Author KittenMoon Posted November 2, 2007 Author Posted November 2, 2007 I remember them. Well LS was designed move along the phases and just disappear. Sometimes it just requires the truth to come out. The love is just not there. I've broke NC before and still think about it. It is not easy but it is something that has to be done. Tomorrow I'm just going out for drinks and "don't care". Live life fuller. Have you called any of your friends and have a girls night out? Hah, I don't do girls nights out. Not eneough girlfriends in the area. My groups are always mixed. Anyways, my idea of a "night out" would be seeing a horribly violent movie, eating fried food and sundaes, geeking out a comic shops, or playing video games at an arcade. Worst... girl... ever. You know what hurts so much, maybe more than anything? He's always talked about me with such sentimentality. He even tattooed a representation of me onto himself for christs sake. I feel like it's so not fair he gets to remember me fondly, with happiness, and I have to remember everything with nothing but pain and anguish. My happiest memories are all pain now.
jerbear Posted November 2, 2007 Posted November 2, 2007 Hah, I don't do girls nights out. Not eneough girlfriends in the area. My groups are always mixed. Anyways, my idea of a "night out" would be seeing a horribly violent movie, eating fried food and sundaes, geeking out a comic shops, or playing video games at an arcade. Worst... girl... ever. You know what hurts so much, maybe more than anything? He's always talked about me with such sentimentality. He even tattooed a representation of me onto himself for christs sake. I feel like it's so not fair he gets to remember me fondly, with happiness, and I have to remember everything with nothing but pain and anguish. My happiest memories are all pain now. I did the video games with some friends, they didn't know I can shot! Imagine using a semi & getting crit hits! I've spend way to much that day. So why not get a group together and have a party? Movies, game night, etc...
Author KittenMoon Posted November 2, 2007 Author Posted November 2, 2007 So why not get a group together and have a party? Movies, game night, etc... Hanging with friends doesn't really help honestly. I do it all the time, keep busy, and my friends are almost obscenely wonderful, but there's pain and loneliness they just can't relieve.
jerbear Posted November 2, 2007 Posted November 2, 2007 maybe try other things... Yes maybe just go out and be yourself. Don't be afraid of being a "wild librarian."
Sanslatete Posted November 2, 2007 Posted November 2, 2007 Hanging with friends doesn't really help honestly. I do it all the time, keep busy, and my friends are almost obscenely wonderful, but there's pain and loneliness they just can't relieve. I'm with you on that kitten. It's not hard to feel alone in a crowded room when your world has fallen to bits.
Author KittenMoon Posted November 2, 2007 Author Posted November 2, 2007 maybe try other things... Yes maybe just go out and be yourself. Don't be afraid of being a "wild librarian." Wow- I have so not been sitting on my thumbs. I'm on my fifth round of a writing course that's full of now great friends of all ages and profession; an integral part of a local writer's group; I've learned to knit; I have hobbies up the wazoo- -I've been in therapy, on different drugs- -traveled, done things I've never done before and used to fear- and at the end of the day, I'm still in so much pain. Everything I've ever been told will help, HASN'T.
Author KittenMoon Posted November 2, 2007 Author Posted November 2, 2007 I'm with you on that kitten. It's not hard to feel alone in a crowded room when your world has fallen to bits. Ironically, my life is fantastic, except it's poisoned everyday by this loneliness nothing has filled- no matter what I've tried. Love, what I want more than anything, is the one thing I don't have.
jerbear Posted November 2, 2007 Posted November 2, 2007 and at the end of the day, I'm still in so much pain. Everything I've ever been told will help, HASN'T. Instead of thinking about it, just let love find you. How is that book/novel? Why not use that "love juice" and put the passion into a short story?
Author KittenMoon Posted November 2, 2007 Author Posted November 2, 2007 Instead of thinking about it, just let love find you. How is that book/novel? Why not use that "love juice" and put the passion into a short story? I'm impatient. Especially when I'm stuck with all this pain of love I already HAD. Sorry, i don't mean to poo on your advice, it's just pure frustration. I couldn't possibly be doing anything more that wouldn't be causing damage to someone else (like dating when I'm clearly not ready or interested) Anyways, my novel is on hiatus because I'm finishing up revisions on two short stories that I've been told are my best ever. I plan on submitting them for publication soon.
jerbear Posted November 2, 2007 Posted November 2, 2007 I'm impatient. Especially when I'm stuck with all this pain of love I already HAD. Sorry, i don't mean to poo on your advice, it's just pure frustration. I couldn't possibly be doing anything more that wouldn't be causing damage to someone else (like dating when I'm clearly not ready or interested) Anyways, my novel is on hiatus because I'm finishing up revisions on two short stories that I've been told are my best ever. I plan on submitting them for publication soon. Poo away! It's only advice. Good luck with the short stories. I was saying put the passion and the power of the words into your writing.
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