When to call it quit's!

[Meaplus3]

Wondering when it's time in an ill marriage to call it quit's and what would be the biggest reason to for a Divorce?

 

AP:)

[EnigmasMuse]

IMO, I would say its time to call it quits after all things have been tried. If both have worked on the marriage in every aspect, and if after all of that, its still just not working out, then it might be time to call it quits. No since in continuing to spin your wheels if its not going anywhere.

 

If one person had tried everything and the other had not, then IMO I think the marriage might have been already over. It usually takes both to make things work.

[whichwayisup]

Once you (and/or your H) feel you've given it your best and there's no point in trying anymore.

 

It takes atleast a FULL year of marriage counselling to unbreak bad habits and learn how to communicate/listen to eachother, and learn some better ways of dealing with eachother.

[Art_Critic]

I think that every failing marriage is different on " when to call it quits "..

 

With me it was realizing that things were not going to change and that she was not going to change or she wasn't willing to change..The beginning of the end for me was when she pawned the wedding ring to pay some bills for her company..The same weekend I paid for 13k dollar Walt Disney hotel bill that I only thought was going to be around 600.00.. I then was fully aware of issues at that point that I could no longer live with and went into marriage counseling..

I filed for divorce to save myself from her mental issues that were going to ruin me..

[Meaplus3]

I think that every failing marriage is different on " when to call it quits "..

 

With me it was realizing that things were not going to change and that she was not going to change or she wasn't willing to change..The beginning of the end for me was when she pawned the wedding ring to pay some bills for her company..The same weekend I paid for 13k dollar Walt Disney hotel bill that I only thought was going to be around 600.00.. I then was fully aware of issues at that point that I could no longer live with and went into marriage counseling..

I filed for divorce to save myself from her mental issues that were going to ruin me..

 

Art, Would you say that the divorce was more on your part because you had issues with your W that you could not deal with? The real problem here is I just don't get my H? He's very smart in a science sense and I am complete opposite to that. I enjoy people and he does not for the most part. I feel like the gap is just too big for us to make it work. I don't disrepect what he likes or does for a living because it makes him happy, however I'm just not interested and that hurt's me to have those feeling's. If you love your spouse you should love to hear about what they do right?

 

AP:)

[T - mac]

im 16 and know nothing about marriage lol, but i think that once your asking yourself that question the answer is: A long time ago.

[Curmudgeon]

Very simplistically, I'd say the time to go is when you've left no stone unturned to try to make the marriage healthy and whole and the problems continue to outweigh and overshadow the pleasures.

 

Oh! And for me, infidelity is an instant deal-breaker!

[Great Gazoo]

Wondering when it's time in an ill marriage to call it quit's and what would be the biggest reason to for a Divorce?

 

AP:)

 

I would think one sign would be when your not happy and start looking and finding things outside the marriage to replace and fulfill your happiness. You then recognize and work on the problem and cannot find any solution or answer to correct how your feeling. We all deserve to be happy.

[Doubt&Wonder]

Wondering when it's time in an ill marriage to call it quit's and what would be the biggest reason to for a Divorce?

 

AP:)

 

IMO _ You call it quits when every thing else has failed - even that of the LoVe you once held so high.

 

 

Biggest reason for Divorce...... Cheating and/ or Physical Abuse.

[Art_Critic]

Art, Would you say that the divorce was more on your part because you had issues with your W that you could not deal with? The real problem here is I just don't get my H? He's very smart in a science sense and I am complete opposite to that. I enjoy people and he does not for the most part. I feel like the gap is just too big for us to make it work. I don't disrepect what he likes or does for a living because it makes him happy, however I'm just not interested and that hurt's me to have those feeling's. If you love your spouse you should love to hear about what they do right?

 

AP:)

 

No.. I think was more because I finally realized that she wasn't going to deal with her part..

She was Bipolar but refused to take medication.. That contributed hugely to the chaos of the relationship, It made it unmanageable for me....

 

This is of course only my opinion but...

If you do not respect what he likes or what he does for a living then are on a basic level not accepting him for who he is and as such you should let him go..You should let him go find someone that can respect him and love him for who he is..

 

Respect for an individual is the biggest key to a successful marriage and if you have lost or never had that respect then the marriage is doomed for failure.

 

What has caused the lack of respect ?.. is he abusive towards you ? does he make you feel that what you do for a living is less important than what he does for a living ?

[Meaplus3]

No.. I think was more because I finally realized that she wasn't going to deal with her part..

She was Bipolar but refused to take medication.. That contributed hugely to the chaos of the relationship, It made it unmanageable for me....

 

This is of course only my opinion but...

If you do not respect what he likes or what he does for a living then are on a basic level not accepting him for who he is and as such you should let him go..You should let him go find someone that can respect him and love him for who he is..

 

Respect for an individual is the biggest key to a successful marriage and if you have lost or never had that respect then the marriage is doomed for failure.

 

What has caused the lack of respect ?.. is he abusive towards you ? does he make you feel that what you do for a living is less important than what he does for a living ?

 

Art, I very much agree that Respect is the Key to a good marriage or any relationship for that matter. I do Respect what he does for a living, he's very good at it and enjoy's it he work's very hard for our family. I guess it's just hard for me to relate to his job when he talks about it hard for me to understand if you know what I mean. He's very type A. I can be type A to in many way's but mosty I'm light hearted. As for abuse, Yes there has been plently of that ina Verbal way.

 

AP:)

[michaelk]

I think the answer to this depends on the couple and the issues involved. I don't agree that you should make every effort no matter what. If either the H or W don't want to make things work, they never will. There has to be some desire to keep the marriage on both sides. The flip side of this is that if you both have even a small desire to keep your marriage, you can work on it and make things better. Even falling out of love can be reversed in some cases by working on your relationship.

 

As for when to call it quits...If you don't have kids, then I say your marriage should be what you want it to be. Once you're convinced that's no longer possible, why stay in a situation that doesn't make you happy or fulfill you in some way?

 

If you do have kids, then the time to call it quits is only when you do more harm to the children by staying together than you would by separating.

[Meaplus3]

I think the answer to this depends on the couple and the issues involved. I don't agree that you should make every effort no matter what. If either the H or W don't want to make things work, they never will. There has to be some desire to keep the marriage on both sides. The flip side of this is that if you both have even a small desire to keep your marriage, you can work on it and make things better. Even falling out of love can be reversed in some cases by working on your relationship.

 

As for when to call it quits...If you don't have kids, then I say your marriage should be what you want it to be. Once you're convinced that's no longer possible, why stay in a situation that doesn't make you happy or fulfill you in some way?

 

If you do have kids, then the time to call it quits is only when you do more harm to the children by staying together than you would by separating.

If you do have kids, then the time to call it quits is only when you do more harm to the children by staying together than you would by separating.

 

This is exactly what I believe with regard's to the children as well. In my case that's my biggest concearn is how our discord will affect them in the long term and that's why my H and I have to either learn to live peacefully or move on.

 

AP:)

[michaelk]

This is exactly what I believe with regard's to the children as well. In my case that's my biggest concearn is how our discord will affect them in the long term and that's why my H and I have to either learn to live peacefully or move on.

 

 

Then look at the environment that you're providing for them. Do they get the love and nurturing they need from both of you? Are your interactions with your H positive rather than negative? I don't believe you have to necessarily be affectionate with each other, but are you able to be friendly and work together as parents? If not, is this something you can improve by working at it, perhaps in counseling?

 

My W and I were once in a "married roommates" situation, where we lived under the same roof but hardly interacted at all. We were practically leading separate lives, and I was very detached from what was happening at home. Now, after some hard times and putting some serious effort in, we have re-established a positive connection with each other, and I am engaged with my kids once again. The difference in them is amazing. They're very happy and thriving now, and that alone is worth everything we've gone through to get here.

 

Best Wishes,

 

MK

[Meaplus3]

Then look at the environment that you're providing for them. Do they get the love and nurturing they need from both of you? Are your interactions with your H positive rather than negative? I don't believe you have to necessarily be affectionate with each other, but are you able to be friendly and work together as parents? If not, is this something you can improve by working at it, perhaps in counseling?

 

My W and I were once in a "married roommates" situation, where we lived under the same roof but hardly interacted at all. We were practically leading separate lives, and I was very detached from what was happening at home. Now, after some hard times and putting some serious effort in, we have re-established a positive connection with each other, and I am engaged with my kids once again. The difference in them is amazing. They're very happy and thriving now, and that alone is worth everything we've gone through to get here.

 

Best Wishes,

 

MK

 

Our children do get plenty of nurturing from both of us in a very positive way. All three are very smart and for the most part very happy and well adjusted. Do they see us interact in a negative way, yes they do not all the time but some of the time. My goal for us in MC I guess is to simply be able to co-exist in a peaceful manner and if that can not be achieved then a decesion need's to be made.

 

AP:)

[RecordProducer]

I think it's when you're able to describe the problem in your marriage with a very short sentence.

 

"He is not for me"

 

"It's not working out."

 

"He is a jerk."

 

I personally went from contemplating about what could be, should be, could have been, should have been, is, was, will be, and all the variations of the verb "to be." I recently ended up with a mutual denominator for all of our problems: he is screwed up. He is a good guy, but when it comes to relationships with women, he is utterly f*cked up. Further elaboration would probably include that I can't change him, I am tired of his unstable character, I can't do more than this, and I want a better partner. All general stuff. We still argue sometimes about some specific issues, but basically I am over this marriage and see no hope whatsoever. BTW, he is the one who wants the divorce so I also have to deal with my hurt vanity.

[whichwayisup]

My goal for us in MC I guess is to simply be able to co-exist in a peaceful manner and if that can not be achieved then a decesion need's to be made.

 

What is your husband's goal? As long as you two are on the same page together..

[Meaplus3]

What is your husband's goal? As long as you two are on the same page together..

 

Well I know he wishes for more peace as well, however In a strange way I don't think he really seem's upset about the way thing's currently are. Even after me having an ea and that happened because of the discord in the marriage. It's almost as if he really does not care but won't let me leave.

 

AP:)

[whichwayisup]

So he is indifferent? Could mean that he just wants things to not change. No real big effort either way and things roll on by, day in and day out...He's happy enough and not really into putting in the effort to make things better or more passionate in the marriage.

[JackJack]

I think it's when you're able to describe the problem in your marriage with a very short sentence.

 

"He is not for me"

 

"It's not working out."

 

"He is a jerk."

 

I personally went from contemplating about what could be, should be, could have been, should have been, is, was, will be, and all the variations of the verb "to be." I recently ended up with a mutual denominator for all of our problems: he is screwed up. He is a good guy, but when it comes to relationships with women, he is utterly f*cked up. Further elaboration would probably include that I can't change him, I am tired of his unstable character, I can't do more than this, and I want a better partner. All general stuff. We still argue sometimes about some specific issues, but basically I am over this marriage and see no hope whatsoever. BTW, he is the one who wants the divorce so I also have to deal with my hurt vanity.

 

Alot of "HE"S" in your post RP.

 

I thought a marriage was a "WE" thing.

[michaelk]

Well I know he wishes for more peace as well, however In a strange way I don't think he really seem's upset about the way thing's currently are. Even after me having an ea and that happened because of the discord in the marriage. It's almost as if he really does not care but won't let me leave.

 

AP:)

 

 

What do you mean "he won't let you leave"? Do you or do you not have a desire to make this work? Or are you just looking for a justification to go?

[Meaplus3]

What do you mean "he won't let you leave"? Do you or do you not have a desire to make this work? Or are you just looking for a justification to go?

 

Because awhile back I mentioned a legal seperation and he would not hear of that, yet thing's are not changing and I am still unhappy.

 

 

AP:)

[Blue Eyed Brain]

When you and your spouse have seen and analyzed all the episodes to "Tell Me You Love Me."

[michaelk]

Because awhile back I mentioned a legal seperation and he would not hear of that, yet thing's are not changing and I am still unhappy.

 

It sounds to me like there's a lot more going on here than you simply "not getting your H", and having different personalities and interests. Has he put the EA behind him? Have you?

 

Because of what happened, he may feel no motivation to take your desires into consideration. Who knows, he may prefer to keep things as they are simply because he knows you don't like it! And as for you, now that you've felt an emotional connection with another man, perhaps you're finding you no longer feel a connection with your H? It really sucks when the grass seems greener on the other side, but you've got to find a way to be okay with your marriage and family life or give up on it.

 

You two need to get on the same page about whether you want to make your marriage work. Since there is a recent A in the picture, you may want to involve a counselor (maybe you already have one?). But you can't be expected to stay in a situation where you are unhappy indefinitely, because at some point the kids will be affected by it. When things were bad between us, my W went through a depression not even realizing it, but our two young children sure picked up on it! Remember, you and your H need to figure out how to do the best thing for your kids. Once you've split the family up, you and they will have to live with the effects of that forever.

[Meaplus3]

It sounds to me like there's a lot more going on here than you simply "not getting your H", and having different personalities and interests. Has he put the EA behind him? Have you?

 

Because of what happened, he may feel no motivation to take your desires into consideration. Who knows, he may prefer to keep things as they are simply because he knows you don't like it! And as for you, now that you've felt an emotional connection with another man, perhaps you're finding you no longer feel a connection with your H? It really sucks when the grass seems greener on the other side, but you've got to find a way to be okay with your marriage and family life or give up on it.

 

You two need to get on the same page about whether you want to make your marriage work. Since there is a recent A in the picture, you may want to involve a counselor (maybe you already have one?). But you can't be expected to stay in a situation where you are unhappy indefinitely, because at some point the kids will be affected by it. When things were bad between us, my W went through a depression not even realizing it, but our two young children sure picked up on it! Remember, you and your H need to figure out how to do the best thing for your kids. Once you've split the family up, you and they will have to live with the effects of that forever.

 

Being on the same page I think is the key here. I hope that with the guidance of a MC this will happen. I guess it's hard to know where to really start and how to fix what's been missing for such a long time now. My ea was not the cause of all this more like a symptom. The marriage was going down hill long before I became involved with mm. While the ea has made thing's worse to a certain degree alot of other's thing's such as the stress of rasing three small children, the stress of my H's busy job, the fact that I am sick of being a stay at home mom and so on. When there is so much else going on it's hard to work on your marriage.

 

AP:)