nadiaj2727 Posted November 1, 2007 Posted November 1, 2007 As many of you know, I broke it off with my xMM until he was divorced, b/c I started to feel guilty and gullible and I no longer wanted to wait. Based on his actions since then (and actions while we were together that I wasn't able to examine until I took a step away from him and gained some perspective), I've realized that he is just not the type of man I want to be with, whether or not he ever gets divorced. Since I broke it off with him he constantly calls me and tries to find a way to talk to me. It's super hard b/c we work together so he pretends personal things are work-related to get me to talk to him. He keeps telling me he'll be divorced soon, when I amazingly no longer care about that once-so-important time. How do I tell him I no longer want to be with him, no matter what, and to please leave me alone, I'm moving on, in a way that will really work and make him leave me alone??? I've said I don't think he's the right man for me, that what we've had was infatuation, not real love, that we made a mistake and we were together for the wrong reasons, and that we aren't right for each other. He keeps telling me that all of his (controlling, immature, jealous, selfish, insecure, ccontradicting, a*&hole-y, insert negative behavior here) actions are because of the situation and I'll see that he's different once he's divorced. He disagrees with me that it's not real love, etc. Every time I say anything negative about the relationship it has the effect of making him contact me MORE instead of less, and he'll keep calling me and saying he thinks I was being unnecessarily negative about him and that he's really not a bad person, he's a good person, etc. He asks me to think about all of our good times together and the feelings we had for each other and he says he loves me and wants to show me how great we can be together. Honestly, I just want out for good. I want him to realize that and leave me alone. What should I say?!?!?
whichwayisup Posted November 1, 2007 Posted November 1, 2007 Tell him what you said here. I've realized that he is just not the type of man I want to be with, whether or not he ever gets divorced. And that you couldn't care less if he stays married or not, but not to call ever again. Ask him respect your wishes, that you want nothing to do with him anymore. He won't just realize you really want out unless your words follow your actions. Delete his numbers, email address, everything. Don't ever call him back. Silence will be your answer.
Author nadiaj2727 Posted November 2, 2007 Author Posted November 2, 2007 WWIP: He won't just realize you really want out unless your words follow your actions. That's so true... I began to realize that his actions (or lack thereof) were speaking a lot louder than his words, so I have to show him the same. It's no good to tell him these things if I still talk to him b/c I feel bad when he's upset or b/c he's so damn insistent. It will be really hard since I have to work with him but I am going to tell him firmly and flat out that it is 100% over for good, and then I'm going to follow it up by completely ignoring him except for when absolutely necessary at work. Thanks!
OWoman Posted November 2, 2007 Posted November 2, 2007 Honestly, I just want out for good. I want him to realize that and leave me alone. What should I say?!?!? Nothing at all. You don't owe him any explanations, especially when he's simply using them as arguing points to invalidate and make your POV seem groundless. You've moved on, as you have every right to, and he needs to respect that. By trying to argue you out of your decision he is trying to control and undermine you in the very ways you are objecting to in his other behaviour - he is only making things worse for himself by continuing to engage. Each time he brings up personal matters, simply return the discussion to professional matters without engaging on the personal stuff. If he returns to the personal, tell him politely that you're assuming the professional matters have been dealt with to his satisfaction, and leave. He can't force you to engage in personal discussions unless you're willing to, and once he realises that, he'll have to stop. Though it may take him a while... Hopefully one day you can regain the respect you had for him in his professional capacity, and he can recognise you for the capable professional you are, and move beyond all the infantile behaviour he seems stuck in right now.
outofdarkness Posted November 2, 2007 Posted November 2, 2007 As many of you know, I broke it off with my xMM until he was divorced, b/c I started to feel guilty and gullible and I no longer wanted to wait. Based on his actions since then (and actions while we were together that I wasn't able to examine until I took a step away from him and gained some perspective), I've realized that he is just not the type of man I want to be with, whether or not he ever gets divorced. Since I broke it off with him he constantly calls me and tries to find a way to talk to me. It's super hard b/c we work together so he pretends personal things are work-related to get me to talk to him. He keeps telling me he'll be divorced soon, when I amazingly no longer care about that once-so-important time. How do I tell him I no longer want to be with him, no matter what, and to please leave me alone, I'm moving on, in a way that will really work and make him leave me alone??? I've said I don't think he's the right man for me, that what we've had was infatuation, not real love, that we made a mistake and we were together for the wrong reasons, and that we aren't right for each other. He keeps telling me that all of his (controlling, immature, jealous, selfish, insecure, ccontradicting, a*&hole-y, insert negative behavior here) actions are because of the situation and I'll see that he's different once he's divorced. He disagrees with me that it's not real love, etc. Every time I say anything negative about the relationship it has the effect of making him contact me MORE instead of less, and he'll keep calling me and saying he thinks I was being unnecessarily negative about him and that he's really not a bad person, he's a good person, etc. He asks me to think about all of our good times together and the feelings we had for each other and he says he loves me and wants to show me how great we can be together. Honestly, I just want out for good. I want him to realize that and leave me alone. What should I say?!?!? Stop answering his calls, don't reply to his texts..or better yet, block his phone if you can. Change your phone if you can. If you have to, get a restraining order.
stillafool Posted November 2, 2007 Posted November 2, 2007 I would also tell him if he doesn't stop all contact you will be forced to tell his wife. Tell him to never mention your relationship or his marriage problems to you again. When he sees that you are serious about what you say he will stop.
Author nadiaj2727 Posted November 2, 2007 Author Posted November 2, 2007 Good idea stillafool. As much as he says he's separated pending a divorce that she supposedly wants too, I know he would not like the idea of me telling his wife. He's repeatedly asked me to never tell her, no matter what, even after he's divorced (yeah right). I would never do that to be vindictive (although sometimes I feel she should know the truth, and I imagine apologizing to her to help clear my own conscience, I know that's not my place), but you're right, it's a good way to get him to leave me alone, by threatening to. I feel like I'd kind of be stooping to his level (threats, manipulations, blackmail), but... if that's what it takes...
GreenEyedLady Posted November 5, 2007 Posted November 5, 2007 How do I tell him I no longer want to be with him, no matter what, and to please leave me alone, I'm moving on, in a way that will really work and make him leave me alone??? You need to change your cell#, home# and block his emails from you personal email address... If you're serious about it being over, then tell him if he doesn't stop bugging you at work (is he your boss?) you're going to be forced to report him...Can you transfer departments? Then give him the cold shoulder...Don't respond to him, unless it's required...
Author nadiaj2727 Posted November 5, 2007 Author Posted November 5, 2007 If you're serious about it being over, then tell him if he doesn't stop bugging you at work (is he your boss?) you're going to be forced to report him...Can you transfer departments? He's my mentor and I work with him on some big cases. Luckily I was offered the opportunity to learn a different type of law and train under someone else. Of course I took it, and that was when I was just in the stage of THINKING I need to break up with him. So I am going to try to concentrate most of my time in the new area, but I still have to work on my old cases with him. He definitely uses work as a way to talk to me and I've told him he needs to use professional judgment and only contact me about work things, and not make personal things into work things. I guess if he continues to do so I will have tot think about reporting him, although I don't really want everyone in the firm to know about our A! I will if I have to though. I am willing to reap the consequences of my own actions in order to end this horrible ordeal. I told him today no more calls, no more emails, no more texts, no matter what, and no more talking to me about anything except strictly work-related issues. He said "okay", so, we'll see.
GreenEyedLady Posted November 5, 2007 Posted November 5, 2007 If he starts talking about non-work related subjects, redirect him and let him know if he continues, that your conversation is now over. Men don't like being rejected and he'll eventually stop when he realizes that you're serious... Good luck! GEL
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