Brooks06 Posted November 1, 2007 Posted November 1, 2007 So my ex girlfriend of three years and I have been officially seperated for over a month now. I can't say that I feel any better, but things are certainly easier these days. I still find myself dreaming about her, thinking about her, etc. but time is starting its healing process. I am still shocked by the breakup. I am even more shocked by my ex's actions during the following weeks. Although the break up destroyed me, the fact that she came crawling back after two weeks, took me into her arms and kissed me, told me she loved me, and then kicked me to the curb again really broke me. Its been a couple of weeks since we have had any direct contact, but I hear from other people what she is up to. Supposedly she is partying, staying out late, making herself as available as possible, which really hurts. I was best friends with this girl for four years, dated her for three. In the last month she has COMPLETELY changed and its sad hearing about her doing things she used to be so against. Part of me blames it on her new group of friends...They have all been hanging out for the last year, and right around the same time our relationship started to crumble. My ex is trying ridiculously hard to "fit in" with these people and it sucks watching someone who used to be so genuine and pure turn into your average skank. My question is, do people ever realize their mistake? Is it possible for someone to completely change, have their moment of fun, realize its not for them, and come running back? Im not waiting on her by any means, im moving on with my life, but I am still certain that this girl is my soulmate and pray that one day down the road we can end up together..Anyone have an experience similar to this? like I said, we were best friends, truly in love at one point in time, outside influence just destroyed us.
MattyTee Posted November 1, 2007 Posted November 1, 2007 Hey Brooks, I'm sorry you are going through this man. I can sympathise with you because my ex has changed a lot too. She used to be genuine, soulful and confident in her beliefs and now a lot of that has disappeared. I have no idea whether this will ever change back but my opinion is that when people do this (change a great deal) it is because they feel uncomfortable with who they are and they invent a new persona to try on. It will take a long time before they see that in actual fact that doesn't work and they start working on themselves. I'm not sure there is much you can do to be honest I am in a similar position now and I think the only thing I can do, for my own sake, is to leave her be.
heartoutside Posted November 1, 2007 Posted November 1, 2007 Agreed. You need to leave her be, there isn't anything you can do or say. She needs to figure herself out on her own and see it for herself, that is the only way she will actually figure anything out, unfortunately. It will be hard, but you need to focus on yourself..
bigheartkindsoul Posted November 1, 2007 Posted November 1, 2007 Agreed. You need to leave her be, there isn't anything you can do or say. She needs to figure herself out on her own and see it for herself, that is the only way she will actually figure anything out, unfortunately. It will be hard, but you need to focus on yourself.. Yes this is very true. Focus on you and what you need to do to get yourself healed. Hard at times but people on here can shout you some encouragement when needed. It took me 4months of bumps, lows, dark hours to get to where I am now but I am there. You will be too. Grieve, heal, keep busy and by doing that you won't always have time to over think or dwell. And in time you will feel better about everything, honest take it from people that have gone through it. And very recently too. xxx
Sanslatete Posted November 1, 2007 Posted November 1, 2007 I'm of the same viewpoint as the others Brooks, my ex was the loveliest, most beautiful person you could meet, I adored her beyond words. Then she changed, did a complete 360 and became someone I didn't recognise at all. I tried to be Mr. nice guy and still haven't really told her what I really think of her and how she crushed me. I've told her I love her, and always will (even though I hate her too now) and I guess I just have to get on with my life without her. Whether she ever sees the error of her ways...I don't know, there's nothing I can do about it anyway, I can't change her back. So, the only thing left to do (like MattyTee said) is let her be. I'm not mad on the idea, and I miss her and what we had like crazy, but it's the only option I have. So I suggest you follow suit and get on with your own shyt. Good luck.
marty Posted November 1, 2007 Posted November 1, 2007 even if they do see the errors of their ways and come back, would you want them?? it would never be the same. knowing that they are capable of hurting you, which you didnt think was possible before. so what difference does it make to you if they see it or not. they are off that pedistal now and will never be the same in your eyes again. concentrate on you, after all, you are the most important person in your life.
MattyTee Posted November 2, 2007 Posted November 2, 2007 Hey Sans bro, hope you're feeling okay today. I honestly don't think that anyone can change a great deal and have it last. We all develop as people and deep down have things that define us. When a difficult period comes along this can kick off a change in a person but the core of that person is still them. I also think that we have to try and hold room for forgiveness in our hearts, even though it may well take a lot of time. We all hurt and get hurt in life and holding hate or anger in our hearts only keeps us from being able to fill that with love. I believe that without that ability to forgive we'll also be holding back from loving ourselves fully - which is important. Everyone is capable of hurting and everyone is capable of making a mistake in life. In the end whatever happens you can always make that choice when it comes to it, further down the line if contact resumes etc. The only thing you can control is yourself, your actions. Nothing else. So be honourable, feel your feelings and accept the here-and-now (harder said than done). Work on yourself - we all need opportunities to grow and learn and life / the universe / God (whatever you believe in) will throw these things at you. Try and accept this as a challenge, a quest, a gift ... if you can even start to hold that in your heart, well you are on your way to healing and growing enormously as a person. I'm not saying any of this is easy ...
Sanslatete Posted November 2, 2007 Posted November 2, 2007 I'm okat Matty mate, just keeping on keeping on. How's you? I think it's true what you said about only having control in yourself. That's something I learned (painfully), it was a very steep learning curve to find that someone so close was no more living for my intersest as anyone I could meet on the street. I am working on myself and living for myself now, more than I've ever done before, and I doubt if any relationship in my future (if there ever are any) will be anything like I had with my ex. I'm more aware of the traits of people and know now that it's only me that I can truly trust and believe in (sadly). The only way you can look at these trials and tribulations (after a while at least) is as challenges. I must admit that I'm more driven and focussed than I ever was and am all out to make a success of myself. Whether I get there or not is another issue, but I'm going down fighting. It does help to have soundboards like yourself Matty and Bosiell, Marty ...etc to tell me that my life isn't all over because someone I loved with all I had didn't appreciate what they had. I still hurts, sure, and lots, but I can't give up on life just because one person was distracted by the green on the other side of the fence. So brooks, look after yourself man and if your ex comes back and you can deal with it and work it out, then good luck. Just don't stop living in the meantime, however hard it seems (and is).
MattyTee Posted November 2, 2007 Posted November 2, 2007 I'm okay Sans, just the ups and downs you know. It helps to vent here and I've been writing a blog too. I find that when I need to say something it's a great outlet. I know it's so easy to say but try and keep your heart open man, don't close off or let bitterness grab your balls.
Sanslatete Posted November 2, 2007 Posted November 2, 2007 I won't mate, (at least I'll try). What's your blog address as a matter of curiosity?
MattyTee Posted November 2, 2007 Posted November 2, 2007 http://www.m-taylor.com/blog I didn't come up with a suitable ghost name, damn should have thought of that *lol*. It's a bit whacky I'm afraid.
Sanslatete Posted November 2, 2007 Posted November 2, 2007 Cheers Matty, I'll read it avidly, take care mate.
Author Brooks06 Posted November 2, 2007 Author Posted November 2, 2007 thanks for the help guys. yeah, at first I never thought I would get over this break up. I had a few panic attackts, nervous breakdowns, etc. and for a week or two I thought my life was over. I woke up every morning feeling numb. I never wanted to see the sunrise, I just wanted to stay in bed forever. I really thought I would never heal, never be able to pick myself back up...The fact now is that this just motivates me more. After taking my time for self-reflection and mourning, I've turned all of the negative feelings and energy into something positive. I'm a fairly successful amateur boxer and for the last two weeks have forced myself back into the gym and every day I literally leave all of my troubles at the gym door and completely absorb myself in the sport. Its good for people to have something like that. Everyone needs a serious outlet whether is be boxing, guitar, poetry...One thing I've noticed is how much free time breakups leave you. If you're not careful you are going to use that time to think about the past and in turn fall right back to square one. Im struggling, but I am doing a thousand times better than I was a month ago. The only reason I am doing better is because I've forced myself back into the world, back into the mystery and intrigue that is being single. Life was so predictable when I was in my relationship and its a strange feeling to go to bed every night wondering who I might meet tomorrow. Anyway, thanks for the help.
magda Posted November 2, 2007 Posted November 2, 2007 Maybe it isn't a mistake but just the course she's driving her life on. She is a ship passing in the night. It hurts now, but you have another future and I hope you're soon able to look towards it instead of back.
Sanslatete Posted November 2, 2007 Posted November 2, 2007 Everyone needs a serious outlet whether is be boxing, guitar, poetry...One thing I've noticed is how much free time breakups leave you. If you're not careful you are going to use that time to think about the past and in turn fall right back to square one. Im struggling, but I am doing a thousand times better than I was a month ago. I'm motivated like never before Brooks, like you. I'm starting up an 'Abandonment survivors' group for people like me that have been left grieving. I have a counselling education so that helps. But it's probably something I wouldn't have endeavoured if I hadn't been in this shyt-hole. So maybe it is something to do with fate? I'd rather have my ex back though.
Recommended Posts