Btrayed Posted November 5, 2007 Posted November 5, 2007 Well...this is a new experience for me. If you would have told me 6 months ago that I would be here, I would have said you were crazy. My H is having an affair. For many of the "reasons" you describe. We have 2 children - 2 beautiful, smart, and creative children - until this happened. He announced he wanted a divorce and it has changed them. He is not interested in counseling or trying to make it work - he just wants out. And now, not only did his affair hurt me, it has forever changed our children. So...I tell you this so you can seriously consider if you are willing to sacrifice your children's future to satisfy your own selfish needs. Or you can expend just half the energy your affair takes in repairing your marriage. Get help - go to your doctor, get counseling, go to church - but do something to avoid this nightmare at all costs. Being the wife and mother on the receiving end of this is devestating. And it is killing me to see my children suffer because of their father's bad choices... My children are angry, hurt, sad, disappointed, scared, confused, and a million other things I'm sure they can't even put words to. Ask yourself, if you can separate yourself from the "feeling" if this makes any logical sense... Love is not just a feeling, it is a choice. You have the power to make the right one. I said it before, and I'll say it again - take just half the energy you've put into this affair, and invest it in your marriage...I bet you'll be surprised at the outcome...
rockerdude Posted November 5, 2007 Posted November 5, 2007 Dude...you had NO right to break your agreement with your Wife.Period. Now that you have...you have no right to hide it from her. SHE has a right to KNOW what SHE is ALSO dealing with here! IF you do not tell her you are ...a COWARD, pure and simple, ya can't even face yer wife! Betrayal IS the worst kind of hurt, evil inflicted on another human who...thinks that, they are in a particular reality...when in fact it is not. She has a RIGHT TO reality, period. You lied. You are a liar. So....is that who you want to be? There is no other way around "reality". A reality YOU have made by "deception & lies. BUt We all are suspect to doing this under the right conditions....none of us are perfect. We admit our mistakes ...so that...we can return reality to our own soul. People break laws and are punished for simple things like ..no insurance on their car, stealing a candy bar etc. But they are punished. Just because our sorry a_ _ courts deem it no big deal to betray another human being with lies & deception....doesn't make it right. Matter of fact it is the most wrong thing a person can do to another in a relationship. Sometimes I have this sick morbid fantasy of being able to take the 2 adulterers and tie them up and screw them both with bananas...lol Just to make them "know" how it feels to get betrayed and taken advantaged of -raped- so to speak..and then maybe they would see the devestating effects of their choices. I know, I know...this is sick right? But the fact is, and I say this as a man....I might as well have been tied up myself and my wife let the other man just screw me senseless, while laughing and then making me watch as he did my wife. I mean come on, let's get real here, brutally real....I felt violated by what she did with another man and what he did to my wife...without me knowing about it! Until the truth comes out....your wife is getting raped.....she just doesn't know it yet. And you my friendless friend....are the one doing the raping of her soul & body especially if you are continuing to have sex with her too. Would anyone have sex with their SO IF they knew he or she was doing someone else behind your back??? NO! Of course not. So you see..that is why it is not only betrayal & lies but also rape..in essence. This sucks and although YOU are getting a piece of ass whenever YOU want it, however you want it and with which-ever you want ...this makes you the worst kind of person right now. Your ONLY answer is to tell on yourself ...... this stops your deception, exposes your lies, and allows your wife to decide..."which it is her turn now" of what she will do with you. I...like many others here I am sure, hope that...she divorces you and realizes that YOU cannot fix this and she is better off away from you. And you do her an injustice to stay even if she wants to work on it in my opinion....because you can never, and I say never regain total trust ever again in this life...this is just one of those things that you cannot take back once you do it. And it is not fair to her, even if she forgives you for you to stay with her...although I am sure alot of stones will be cast my way with this one.... (This is a recent discovery and opinion on my part...I've just come to this as the real conclusion to adultery. Yes some work out..but let's face it...most do not!) Be a man! Grow up! Tell the truth! Then maybe, just maybe after all of this...you can try again with someone else, and use this wisdom to not beat yourself up BUT to grow from and get past. MAybe you can even help others along the way. You will also be able to grow in other life areas. BUt if you do not do the right thing here....how can you ever face yourself in the future. You really need to be on the front end of this, do the right thing...which will make you a man. IF you get found out then you lose your chance to do the right thing, and have to live not knowing what kind of man you are! Brutal...but what you have done is also...your love-y feelings and elation blind you from the reality of what you have done.
MotoMan Posted November 5, 2007 Posted November 5, 2007 Bod, There's a lot of good advice here, esp Lady Jane's. What's not clear is where your W is in all this. Is she happy? Has she given you signs that she's not happy either? Take it slow, but there will come a time when you will finally decide, and it will start a chain of events, you just don't know which way it'll go. As one who had an A, I can understand the fog you're in. I also understand your fear in telling all to your W. My W went off, long and short of it, she broke into my computer, copied my email contacts, and conducted a phone and email campaign to out me to friends, family, and my work. The public humiliation was enormous. The stress of her emails and phone calls to my Mom helped hasten my Mom's death last summer from cancer. Our divorce became final last week... I lost all my savings to legal fees, and lost all the equity in our house. It's been a huge cost of money and emotional turmoil for both of us. So, that could be a possibility if you tell your W... If you don't, you'll always be waiting for the other shoe to drop. You'll never know if/when the OW will snap and out you to your W, or your classmates... The question is, what can you live with, and without? If I had it to do over again, I would've never had an A. I would've divorced and moved on (4 months of MC didn't help us), but I don't have kids, and you do. If I was you, I'd end the A, not tell the W, and work like hell to make the M work. If the OW did tell the W, I would tell her then, explaining that I ended it and worked my butt off to make it work, and at that point it would be the W's decision to stay or go. Lastly, are you the kind of man you want your daughter to marry? Are you the kind of man your son can be proud of and look up to? Think long and hard about that. Whether you stay or divorce, because of the kids, you are in a long term relationship with your W. You'll talk to her and see her over the course of many years, even if you divorce. Dr Phil has some good things on M on his web site, and divorcebusting.com has some good things too. Best of luck!
smartgirl Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 Bod - how are you doing? Are things going well?
The_411 Posted November 8, 2007 Posted November 8, 2007 Bod, As a betrayed man I understand the situation you are in and it's hard because everything is upside down. Your self-esteem is what is holding you back. Affairs happen because the parties invovled have low self-esteem and are not having certain emotional needs met. It's extremely likely that your lack of feelings for your wife stems from the certain emotional needs that weren't being met. My advice is as follows 1) Your wife needs to know either way. Hiding accomplishes nothing and it will wear you down and make you sicker and sicker. 2) The affair fog is clouding your mind. you can't clarly udnerstand what is happening until you have been away from the affair for months. 3) It takes 21 days to break an addiction. Affairs are an addiction because they release the chemicals that would be normally released when you fall in love. You'll go through intense withdrawals just like a heroin or a crack addict. You must write a no contact letter make it brief and to the point. You have to be transparent to your wife for a long time to rebuild her trust. 4) Your wife deserves a better man. You can be that man. Don't get me wrong it will be the fight of your life and at many times your wife will want to give up and you will too. you will often think about the passion and the intensity of the other woman and it will be very very tempting especially once you end the affair. 5) visit www.marriagebuilders.com and talk to Dr. William Harley. Read the message boards to better udnerstand how affairs effect marriages, children, and how people recover, and how incredible their new relation ship with their spouse is. It doesn't always work but why not try?
Author bodhisattva Posted November 9, 2007 Author Posted November 9, 2007 Hi everyone, No real update, just wanted to check in and thank everyone again for their help. Really great insight, and I'm rereading a lot of these recent responses. I've been looking at the Marriage Builders site that a couple of you have mentioned. Good stuff, a lot of it is really hitting home for me. I also read this "31 Reasons to Stop an Affair" that someone posted in another thread: http://www.affairrecovery.com/files/31Reasons.pdf, which is an excellent read as well. Thanks again.
Triarge Posted November 12, 2007 Posted November 12, 2007 Hi Bodhi The 31 Reasons really helped me too. It should be required reading for anyone concidering or going through with an affair. Please keep posting and letting us know how your doing. I need to read that others are coping and are getting through similar situations for my own strength and sanity TT
cj1988 Posted November 12, 2007 Posted November 12, 2007 I agree, i read the 31 Reasons as well and it was a big help. I am not the one, but it helped me when I talked to my H this weekend, I actaully sounded like I knew what I was talking about for a change Not that it did any good, he still denys it and tells me if I bring it up again he is leaving me....get that !
bigheartkindsoul Posted November 12, 2007 Posted November 12, 2007 God what is it with men! Selfish plain selfish Leave your wife, let her go have some love and fun with another man that actually wants to be with her and not someone else. Racked with guilt - so you should be, time to do something totally selfless instead of totally selfish for a change and let your soon to be ex-wife have a life.
cj1988 Posted November 12, 2007 Posted November 12, 2007 For real, not I am a big P---- and let him do that to me. I did tell him that I do not care what he says, if I ever catch him talking s---- like I heard to anyone, sister, friend...whoever, his bags will be on the step. He laughed and said whatever you will never make it something it was not no matter how hard you try or want to believe it, I am innocent and if you leave me because what you THINK happened, I will sleep at night....because I know in my heart I have never betrayed you......that is the s---- he tells me all the time that keeps me confused !
Recommended Posts