MM looking for guidance

[sarme]

Councelling is hit and miss more miss than hit. If you had doubts in your engagement there is no reason why you should have gone through with it. If it was fear, then do it right the second time around and follow your gut this time. If you are in a fog then that means you were relatively happy before you met your OW, that's not the case because you were already in the fog when you agreed to marry someone you were unsure of.

You sound like my b/f he left his wife because it was exactly like your situation he was never sure and thought it would get better with time, it didn't it got worse.

 

Are we happy? Very much so, we are deeply in love and plan to marry in the not so distant future so that we can start a family. We went to concelling to embark on our relationship on the right foot given how our relationship started. He refused to go to councelling while with her because he knew there was nothing to work on there, he did not want to save the relationship so why pretend like he did in front of a therapist? But he was certain he wanted out, you have to be certain.

 

Marry for love not because it is the next logical step.

[sarme]

Hey, look I know people fall out of love, it seems to be the common "excuse" here as to why people cheat on their SO.

 

 

Is it an excuse or a reality?

 

And why can't it be that some people just should not have been together? If one partner is knowing he/she married for the wrong reasons why would someone push them to try to overcome that? Yes what they did was wrong on many levels but it is what it is, no one has the right to ruin someone''s life like that and staying with someone because they feel sorry for them is ruining someone's life that is WORSE than leaving.

 

Naively people think if they have doubts going in to marriage that they will go away with time. They rarely do, they just compound over time.

[frannie]

Thanks everyone for your advice.

 

I think it's clear I have some issues that go deeper than the W and OW.

 

I've contacted a therapist who I will be seeing soon.

 

Hello bodhisattva.

 

I think this is a good plan. You sound really down on yourself and talk about the bad things you 'deserve'. Despite what people may say, that's not true. You deserve personal happiness, but somehow you're sabotaging that. I think counselling would allow you to explore that...

 

Things really don't sound too good with the W, sounds like a combination of you avoiding conflict and she not listening, but of course there's not much to go on here. Maybe MC down the line..? You can do both at once.

 

But as you say, you don't want to open up to her about the affair, don't feel ready... and yes, it would be pointless going to MC if you can't be completely open in there.

[Ladyjane14]

What you see in this OW is more perception than reality. Infatuation isn't just "puppy love". It's a strong animal... with teeth and claws, affecting you both emotionally and physiologically, clouding your judgment, leaving you in a "fog".

People under the influence of Infatuation, see what the WANT to see. They don't see what IS.

 

What IS, in your situation, is that you're about to mess up your young family. And you won't be able to put it back together again. No matter how "different" and OW seems, she's still a woman who's screwing somebody else's husband, one who lacks the ability to acknowledge boundaries, one whose actions are controlled by her emotions.

 

Now, because you're "the husband", it makes it kind of hard to see the callousness and self-centered ego of her actions without being a great, big, ole, hypocrite. But... if you were observing this situation from afar, in a woman with whom you didn't associate these addictive, obsessive feelings... you might not like what you see.

 

Each person is 100% responsible for their actions. And just because the OW has aided and abetted you in adultery... doesn't mean she hasn't committed it. If the two of you jump off a cliff together, she's not absolved of responsibility for her choice just because you went first, right? She still jumped. She's not just going to float gently off into the clouds any more than you would.

 

You made a mistake. You got scared and went looking for the emergency exit. Don't throw your life away based on some false notion of love. This isn't what love is. In a couple of years time, you're gonna be right back where you started. The only difference being that you'll have made an enemy of your wife and you'll be paying child support. A few years later, hey... you'll probably be paying child support to the OW as well.

 

This business about how you can't remember ever feeling much for you wife ought to be telling you something about the clarity of your view right now. Guys don't marry girls they feel nothing for. Your memory is tricking you, giving you the version you want to hear while you're under-the-influence like you are.

 

IME, there's no such thing as "soulmates" or any other such craptastic thing. This is just a Hollyweird notion, perpetrated upon us to sell soap, indulged in by individuals who have succumbed to girlish notions of "happily ever after". Hey... our "happily ever after" is ALREADY within us. We are self-fruitful in that respect, being able to SELECT contentment. That is, when we don't get in our own way about it.

 

Do you think God doesn't love each and every one of us as individuals? Do you think He would hang our fate and happiness on someone else's arbitrary choices? Do you think He didn't mean to give us each Free Will?... That it was some kind of accident?

 

Look, you're going to be back EXACTLY where you are in five years time. The cast members may have changed, but you'll still be groping around for the rip-cord. Because this is all about YOU. It's not about your wife. It's not about your girlfriend. In the absence of abuse, these feelings of dissatisfaction emanate from within.

 

Yeah, you f*cked up. But you don't have to pay for it with the rest of your life. Infidelity happens, and it happens frequently enough that we can go to the internet and talk about it on sites just like this one. But.... marriages and families can and do recover from it. Your situation is NOT hopeless.

[justice]

I am the betrayed wife. Or I was. I'm divorced now.

I wish my husband would have had the balls to come to me and tell me about the A he was having. It hurt like the worst pain you can ever imagine when I found out, but ya know, it hurt worse knowing that he had lied to me and not told me, then I got some bs about if I didn't tell you then it wasn't a lie. Yes, it was. Tell her everything, it does hurt, but not as bad as going through what I went through. You made a commitment to your wife and you need to see if you can make it work with her, if it does you won't regret it even if it doesn't work out, if it doesn't then you are free to make honest choices. I wish you well.

[Zona76]

I read somewhere if marriage extends 10 years you have to pay alimony for the rest of her life.

Not to mention the child support.

I suggest you move on. Do you want your kids to grow up knowing their parents are not happy. Kids know.

And most of all this is about you, your life, your happiness and your future.

[Ladyjane14]

You don't "stay married for the kids", that's true. ....You make your marriage WORK for the kids.

 

The positives of growing up in a two-parent functional home are myriad. So, unless there's NO POSSIBLE WAY of creating a functional model, IMO... you don't just cut and run. At the minimum, we owe it to our children to make EVERY effort before we throw in the towel. Kids don't get to pick their parents. They don't ask to be born. It's a parent's JOB to give them the best possible start in life.

[cj1988]

I want to ask you something, did you fall out of love with your wife before or after the A? Also, if the OW dumped you right now you WOULD realize you love your wife and how much she means to you, so beware of that and what can happen if you leave your W. Last, how can you be in love with a woman that is a cheater? She will do the same to you, trust me on that! What goes around comes around !

[reboot]

You don't "stay married for the kids", that's true. ....You make your marriage WORK for the kids.

 

The positives of growing up in a two-parent functional home are myriad. So, unless there's NO POSSIBLE WAY of creating a functional model, IMO... you don't just cut and run. At the minimum, we owe it to our children to make EVERY effort before we throw in the towel. Kids don't get to pick their parents. They don't ask to be born. It's a parent's JOB to give them the best possible start in life.

I have become firmly convinced that most people these days have somehow become too utterly selfish to even understand what you just said.

 

"I will be happy, no matter who I hurt."

 

Or has it always been that way and I'm just naive?

[Ladyjane14]

I have become firmly convinced that most people these days have somehow become too utterly selfish to even understand what you just said.

 

"I will be happy, no matter who I hurt."

 

Or has it always been that way and I'm just naive?

 

I like to think that what we observe in infidelity forums is the exception rather than the rule. And hey... I might be 'sticking my head in the sand' on that. But life is just too bleak for tolerance without at least a modicum of optimism, right?

[BlindleadingtheBlind]

Hi Bodhisattva,

 

I read your post and wanted to let you know that I was in a similar situation pretty recently, and hope that my experience might help you a bit.

 

First of all, a person on this forum advised me to listen to LadyJane, and I urge you to do so as well! Her advice was always sound and one of the best things she ever told me was to take things slowly. When you're in the haze of it, it sometimes feels like acting or making a decision quickly is the best option, but I can now see that with every day that passes, a new level of clarity and understanding is reached.

 

Like you, I have been married for a long while. And like you, I had been attracted to various people over the years, but had never acted on it. And then this past summer, bam! I entered into an EA and eventually a PA with someone.

 

I think what's hardest during the "haze" part of an affair, is that it feels absolutely contrary to your happiness to pursue what is "right," that is, telling your spouse about the A, entering into counseling, and entering into No Contact with the OW.

 

I struggled with this and railed against it. I thought my A was evidence that it was time to leave the marriage and strike out on my own.

 

But what I read here, and what has turned out in my case to be true, is that revealing the A to your spouse is the fairest and best thing to do, for both you and everyone involved.

 

After revealing my A to my spouse, I'm now convinced that radical honesty is the only way to rebuild a relationship. If you decide to pursue a relationship with the OW, the only way she would trust you is if you ended your relationship with your wife in a respectful and above-board manner. Otherwise, she would forever wonder if you would end up doing to her what you did to your wife. If you decide you want to try to work things out with your wife, than unless you reveal the A to her, there will always be a barrier between the two of you, and you will always have an emotional distance between the two of you.

 

This emotional distance, more than the A, will cause the death of your relationship in the end.

 

It has been two months since I revealed the A to my husband. We went to couples counseling, and each week, things get a little bit better. The emotional aspects I didn't expect to encounter were on my end: I really felt close to suicidal thoughts at the beginning. It was like coming off of a heroin addiction for me when I entered into NC with the OM. I never thought it would be easy, but I'm still surprised that two months later, the OM is daily in my thoughts, although less and less so in a painful way, just in a sort of sad way.

 

In the midst of the haze, there is an enormous gap between what you desire and what you know to be right. All I could do during that period was go through the motions of what others told me was "the right thing to do," almost like blindly putting one foot in front of the other, with the hope that eventually, what was "right" and what I desired would converge.

 

I could go on and on. But as I'm in the midst of it myself, I just wanted to let you know that we're out here, and pulling for you! In the end, I realized my A was really a manifestation of disappointments in my own self. I have made some changes in my life and am in the midst of doing some soul searching to help me understand why I got to this place. Even though it was one of the hardest things I've done, I'm still glad I told my husband about my A.

[reboot]

First of all, a person on this forum advised me to listen to LadyJane, and I urge you to do so as well! Her advice was always sound

Sorry, quick threadjack. I've been on a lot of forums similar to this one over the last couple of years, and I kept finding myself back at LS over and over, in large part because of LadyJane and her wonderful advice. I mention this in hopes of giving her a warm, fuzzy feeling as some small repayment for her tireless work here. She's never given me any direct advice, but I've made use of her advice to others many times. Thanks LJ.

[cj1988]

BLINDLEADINGTHEBLIND, I read the part about not telling the BS will lead to emotional distance anway and the end to the relationship anyway. Why do you say that? My H whom I think had an A but will not admit is not talking to the OW at all, but he is emotional detaching from me everyday. The more I try to hang on to the marriage the more it seems to go bad. Do you know what is wrong with him and why he avoids me and is not the same towards me? I am the innocent one and he should be glad I am still here, I am trying to understand what he is going through, but cannot because he will not talk about it and tells me I am crazy and he has never cheated on me ever.....but I find that hard to believe considering DDAY was 12-1-06 when I accused him and he went through crying and crying after that day. Not for me, but about himself. We went through 5 months of him telling me he wanted a divorce because of the accusation, he stayed drunk and when I would ask him to work it out he would say "It was too late" and cry.

 

After reading A LOT of the threads, I feel he was having withdrawals from the addiction and affair and was LOST, still is so to say. He use to be loving and touchy feely and very much attracted to me for YEARS, but since Dec 1 although we are so called trying to work it out, he still avoids coming home, seems miserable and rarely wants me in anyway. When I bring it up he says I am being pushy and selfish and to relax and give it time. Give WHAT tim. it has been a year......so WHy is he so distant? Is that a sign of guilt? By the way, he never cries anymore that was just in the beginnig when he told me it was over for a couple of months....now he is angry, snappy and blames me for anything and everything that goes bad. He never calls me at all, he is not the man I have known all these years....not his natuere to cheat either. In other words, I do not know whether to s--- or get off the pot. OUR friends tell me his actions show he does not care about me like he did and to leave. But what if he did not cheat and I was wrong? That is driving me insane.....that is why I am asking the ones that have cheated, WHY IS HE DISTANT NOW to me, the innocent one.

 

P.S. He would never leave me for the supposed OW, he cant it is his 1/2 sister, so maybe I have him by default, he loves her and is just THERE with me now because he cant have her????? I am so upest all the time it is not healthy anymore !

[bodhisattva]

Thank you so much for your responses everyone. LadyJane and frannie, I've read a lot of your posts this week and really value your insight here. And BlindleadingtheBlind, I really appreciate your perspective as well. Thank you.

 

The OW and I have been on a break this week and the withdrawal symptoms Blind described are right on. And this sounds cruel, but I honestly don't know if I miss her as much as I miss the idea of her/us, and the regular pattern of calls, emails, etc. -- the attention. Which makes me feel that I really am in a fog, and though it's gonna be excruciating, I need to end it with her.

 

I've always had some emotional problems that I've begun to realize are rooted in self-esteem issues. Which is probably why I was seeking validation for myself in the OW. Whoever said I'm sabotaging my own happiness is probably right. There is something off or missing in me, and the A is just a band-aid.

 

This time apart from the OW, though painful, has already allowed me a little clarity and perspective. I agree that if I ended my M and pursued things with the OW, I would likely find myself in the same place 5 years from now, and probably severely depressed. Right now I need to work on me. Which is what I'm hoping to do with the therapist.

 

You've all given me a lot of feedback and things to consider. Thanks again everyone for your input.

[nadiaj2727]

Good to hear you're in counseling OP. I guess this is something you need to discuss with your therapist, but I personally would suggest either ending the affair right now (ending all contact for good), or telling your wife about it so that she is not clueless, she deserves to know the truth. If you love her or even respect her, you will let her know what has been going on in her life -- because her husband and the father of her children is a very very big part of HER life. When you married her, no matter your reasons or hesitations or doubts, you were saying to her that it's not just her anymore, and it's not just you, it's the two of you together. I think if you are a strong man and you want to stay married, you will tell her the truth and let her decide. If you stay together, it could be a strong marriage where you are no longer tempted by distractions. And if you divorce, you are free to do whatever you want and not hurt her and your children with your actions. And you won't be stringing on OW in the meantime. If you are a strong man who knows you want to be with OW, not W, no matter what the consequences, then you will quickly end your marriage to W with the dignity and respect both W and OW deserve (which I believe means NOT being with OW anymore until you are divorced), and find your happiness with OW, letting W free to find her own happiness without you and your deceit.

 

As some have suggested, the third option is to just be on your own and work on yourself, because I think if you truly loved either of them, you would not be doing this to either of them. You would make a plan and stick to it. Love is not self-serving. It is not an ego boost or a fun escape from reality. Love is a choice and a commitment. It's an art that takes effort and knowledge. Are you able to put that kind of commitment and effort into your relationship with either W or OW? If not, get out of both relationships. I recommend you read "The Art of Loving" by Eric Fromm, or anything by Dr. Shirley Glass (you can Google her -- she helps couples get past infidelity and repair their marriage -- if this is the path you choose for yourself and your family).

 

Decide what you want and go for it. Be a man of action, not unpredictable feelings and empty words and promises. If you don't know what you want, then let your wife and OW know that (and the full story of what that really means) so that each can decide what she wants, at least. It's just selfish to put two people's happiness in your indecisive hands... especially W's, who is clueless about the entire situation and to whom you vowed your loyalty, and to some extent OW, who probably thinks you're a lot closer to being divorced and free to be with her than you've told her. Best wishes to you, please get this all sorted out so you will be a happier person!

[smartgirl]

Hi - jumping in midstream here, but I hope Bodi.. is still checking in.

 

LJ and others have made an excellent point about your current state of mind. You have no idea how much being in an A can play tricks on your mind and your memory. You begin to believe that you have "never" really felt passion for your wife, that you have "always" wanted something like the A relationship, that you "can't live without" the OW. Rewriting the history of the relationship is so common. It is your mind trying to help you feel better about the things you are doing that you previously might have described as scummy behavior.

 

My H and I have been together over 30 years. He had a year long A and it got to the point that he considered leaving. During that time he came to "believe" all sorts of things that either helped him rationalize what he was doing with her (totally unconciously) or because his view of the world and himself became so out of whack.

 

During an A you tend to believe worse things about your spouse than is really accurate, worse things about the marriage than is accurate, better things about the OW than are accurate and in a way, better things about yourself. I know you feel bad to be a liar and cheater, but on some level this bubble you are in with the OW makes you feel alive, younger, sexier, more desirable. My H said during the A he felt all those things I just mentioned. He believed he was happy. Looking back after a year or so, he says now it was never actually happy, just euphoric, like a high. After I found out the bubble was burst. He broke off non-work contact with the OW and it was about 3-4 weeks when the addictive feelings faded. He continued to have strong feeling for her for many months after, but the "I can't give this up" feelings were gone.

 

I agree that if you don't tell your wife you risk remaining unhappy. She will never understand how unhappy you are or know how to make it better. On the other hand, I wouldn't want to subject anyone to the pain I have suffered.

 

So for now, start with a psychologist - you need talk therapy. Move into marriage counselling. Usually one therapist won't see one partner while also doing MC. It helped us both immensely. Not just as a couple, but as individuals.

 

Your marriage and your family are AT LEAST worth trying counselling aren't they? There is something holding you there. Something you know is right on some level. Same for my H. He just couldn't bring himself to the point of leaving. He says now it was like I was his lifeline, keeping him from destroying everything for feelings that faded faster than he would have imagined. Give it a try.

[Blue Eyed Brain]

bodhisattva - Is your OW exclusive with you? Do you feel that if you were not married with kids that you would be marrying your OW?

 

My advice is to tell the OW that you need to break for a month or so. Tell her your true feelings but that you need to clarify things with yourself. If she truly loves you, she will understand and give you the room you need. During this time, she needs to be out with friends and even date. You need to WANT to be with her, not need to be with her.

 

Also, don't worry about the every 8 years thing (that you will cheat on your OW). You didn't go into your first marriage thinking that, and you also can't predict the future (didn't think you would be in this type of situation). Your human and you need to find out what you truly want while hurting as few people as necessary.

 

Best of luck to you.......

[bodhisattva]

nadia - Thank you for your post. I want to be a man of action; I feel like I've been stuck in my head the past few months, waffling over what to do. Bottom line is I do love my wife, and I want to make it work, or at least go down swinging. I will not tell her about the A, but I appreciate everything you said. "Ego boost" and "escape from reality" are perfect phrases to describe what I felt in the A. I do love the OW, but I am starting to see things more clearly and cannot continue like this.

 

smartgirl - I read your post 3 times. Thank you so much for your insight. I'm sorry for what you've had to go through, but it was incredible for me to read about that altered view of reality which describes me so well right now. It's encouraging to think that the fog will be lifted once I end the A. Even though it will be painful to end it, it's the price I have to pay. As I told nadia, I will not be telling my wife, unless down the line and through counseling I come to the realization that I must.

 

Blue Eyed Brain - Thanks for posting. Yes, the OW is exclusive with me. And I absolutely do feel like she would be a perfect match for me if were unattached. Though honestly there is still a nagging doubt that I eventually wouldn't be satisfied with her either. As I've said, I know this is something within me that I need to identify and work on. Anyway, she would give me room if I asked for it, because I know she is getting worn down by all this as well.

[smartgirl]

Bod' I'm glad my post gave you some hope. I don't know exactly what things are like in your marriage, but I do know that two people who are really good together can let their marriage get off track and that it can be gotten back on track. For instance, despite what we have gone through, the sex we are having now is better than any in the 30 years before the A (of course when you start as teenagers and never get to practice on or learn from other people, there are limits to how good the sex is sometimes).

 

We had a great relationship, but like most people work, raising kids, dealing with life all takes a toll on your essential self and can leave you feeling like all you do is pay out with little return - especially in the hedonistic areas. Couple that with baggage from before you met your spouse -- low self esteem, need to prove you are desirable to the opposite sex, limited experience with opposite sex -- can create a stew of discontent and a yearning for something that makes you feel like someone sees and appreciates you for the qualities you are proud of - not just what you bring to the family dynamic. But I think you know, it is easy for the OW to give you that now, because you are not dealing with all the other stuff.

 

Don't do like many men in this situation -- ie those who try and fix the marriage after an A without telling the wife -- and sweep your needs and discontents under the rug. Those are feelings you are entitled to and they should be addressed. The lies and betrayal of someone who loves you is not something you are entitled to. Not as a spouse and not even as a human being.

 

On the subject of whether you could have made it with OW. Maybe you could. You could probably have a good relationship with hundreds of women. The idea that there is one person out there who is perfect for us is a romance novel delusion. However, there can be one person that you chose to make a life with and to leave a legacy with, and to raise your children with, and to grow old with -- but that is up to you.

 

When the A was just about to end, my H gave me a Valentine's day card that said he wanted all those things with me. At that moment in time, part of him knew that is what he wanted, but part of him still couldn't let go of the euphoric feeling. It is hard to let go of our adolescent or romantic fantasies. But they often aren't a good foundation for living.

 

There is something in your marriage and family life that you want, or you wouldn't still be there. Find out what it is.

[child_of_isis]

Keeping your W in the dark about the A is more cruel than telling her about it.

 

If you tell her, at least she has the option of making an informed decision about her life...her future.

 

Thus far, you have taken that from her.

 

I agree about not telling her, and carrying the guilt on my own. That's mine to deal with.

 

I'm concerned about doing couples counseling (or whatever it's called) because I know I won't be able to be completey open/truthful with her there. Should I just see someone alone?

[NoIDidn't]

I've been reading along and had a question to ask:

 

Why are you not willing to tell your W about the A? Are you afraid of her possible reactions? Do you not want to be there to help her through the pain? Are you a conflict avoider?

 

Just asking as food for thought because if any of those are your reasons, it is those things that will continue to put distance between the two of you. Knowledge of the A will hurt her. But if you tell her yourself, you will be making one of the first steps to facing your fears and rebuilding your M.

[BlindleadingtheBlind]

Those feelings of euphoria and addiction -- they're so powerful and intoxicating. TomCat once posted on my thread that the hardest thing about affairs is that you end them when the feelings are still so wonderful. It's not like a regular break-up, where things sort of dwindle downhill and you both start to recognize that it's not working. Instead, you're left cutting things off in the midst of your addiction.

 

The Marriage Builders website had a lot of helpful things to say about this stage of the affair. What helped me the most was recognizing that my feelings as the adulterer were valid. That those feelings of true, deep passion and love for the OM were real and had to be taken seriously. And also that my feelings of distance, disappointment, and yes, boredom, with my spouse were also real and needed to be addressed. Withdrawal is severe from any addiction, and certainly from an A, those feelings of withdrawal will be steep and painful.

 

Both LoveShack and Marriage Builders helped a lot during this stage of my recovery. Here's a link to the Marriage Builders site:

 

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5059_qa.html

[Ladyjane14]

Thanks Reboot and BLTB.

I'm humbled by your compliments.

 

I do hope the OP will get to the bottom of his issues before making any decisions about his marriage though. It's so important to resolve the old problems before proceeding on to new ones. There's a kind of "snowball" effect when one tries to avoid dealing with reality.

 

Forgive me for self-quoting, but I'm going to reprint an earlier post from another thread.

There's sooooo much that could be going on internally for this guy, and I wanted to let him know that he's not alone in this. Lots of guys, for a myriad number of reasons, fall prey to affairs. He needs resolution, to identify the real cause, before he'll be happy with his life again.

 

You know, in situations like mine and Smartgirl's, where reconciliation has been successful... a guy sometimes literally CANNOT identify with his previous motives. When clarity returns, he often ends up stupefied by his own behavior, clueless as to WHY he acted the way he did.... almost as if it were someone else inhabiting his mind and body. THAT's the element which must be ruled out.

 

Don't pay for this with the balance of your life, OP. The best restitution for making a mistake is FIXING it.

 

I'm glad you read Smartgirl's post 3 times. It was concise, eloquent, and above all... accurate. You know, between she and I, we have 55 years of combined marital experience, and better yet... experience in recovery. So, we know it's do-able, and we KNOW the fog can clear. Once it does, your mind is free to make the best decision for you and for your family, whatever that may be.

 

Married men are often living out a "James Bond" type fantasy with their OW, a fantasy which feels very REAL to them when they're caught up in it.

(i.e. How many times have we seen an OW posting whose MM led her down the garden path regarding a future with children of her own, only to be offered abortion money once she became pregnant?)

 

The marriage and current family ARE the reality of the situation. It's the affair which is comprised of avoidance and fantasy. That said, I don't believe the MM usually has a conscious awareness of it. Sure, his actions are done with deliberation, but I don't believe the motives for those actions are quite as clear to him.

 

Married men are often very confused individuals who have sought outside their primary relationship for a REASON. Let's face it, divorce is commonplace. There are reasons why he stays, and these reasons are NOT shared in their entirety with the OW. Yeah, divorce is expensive. And yeah, he wouldn't be seeing his kids everyday. These are easy excuses, with enough elements of truth to them that the OW buys in hook, line, and sinker.

 

But they aren't really what keeps the guy at home. MM go outside the marriage, not in response to the betrayed wife, but rather because they can't effectively problem-solve within the relationship. And often enough... the main problem is WITHIN the MM himself.

 

For example, a guy who's just starting out with a young family and is scared spitless of the responsibilities entailed, might not associate his anxiety with an internal cause. This kind of guy is looking for the emergency exit, and it has little if anything to do with the partner he chose to marry. His subconscious fears are at the root of it, and even though he can't really identify WHY he's reluctant to leave, and despite how caught up he is in the addiction of the affair, he KNOWS on some level that he's not thinking clearly.

 

Likewise, the MLC guys... These guys are affixing a band-aid on what is essentially a physiological imbalance coupled with the prerequisite emotional side-effects.

 

Then there are the guys who have a legitimate problem with their wife, those who are married to a person who has introduced fatal flaws to the relationship. These are conflict-avoiders who have elected to stick their head in the sand, rather than DEAL with their situation... a situation which will NOT resolve itself of it's own accord.

 

MM are, by and large, troubled people. And when they don't effectively identify and address those "troubles", they aren't fit for true partnership in a new relationship anyway. They haven't resolved the defects of their current one. And since the marriage belongs to both husband and wife, THEY are the only two people who can resolve it one way or another. The wife is part of 'the solution'. The OW is part of 'the problem'.

 

So, a MM can usually find resolution in some form or fashion if he stays in the marriage, or... when the problem is completely external, he elects to leave it on his own. But he can't problem-solve effectively when he's indulging in a fantasy rather than dealing with the reality before him. The fantasy clouds his clarity of mind and impairs his cognitive abilities. He becomes so distracted, mired in paralysis, that he doesn't get much of anything accomplished.

 

It's important to remember that a married man is a good salesmen, not always for some Machiavellian reason known only to himself, but rather that he BELIEVES in his product. There is 'The Truth' and then there's 'The Truth of the Moment'. While fully engaged in the "James Bond" fantasy, and because his chemical balance is affected by the physiological components of Infatuation... the fantasy feels real to him. And he behaves accordingly. He make promises. He pursues and wheedles. Then... he goes home and those "truth of the moment" feelings fade into the background until he needs his next 'fix'.

 

There are REASONS why these guys married their wives in the first place, and REASONS why they cheat instead of leaving. The OW is working with an inferior partner when she's complicit to his adultery. Her best bet IMO, is to ALWAYS avoid MM-cheaters. Not because they're necessarily evil people, but rather because they're most often "troubled individuals" who haven't sorted their sh*t out, and worse... are compartmentalizing the important people in their life.

 

These are guys with emotionally empty pockets who have NOTHING of value to offer in partnership while they're already "in partnership" with another. At the bottom line, their motives are ALWAYS suspect.

[frannie]

Thank you so much for your responses everyone. LadyJane and frannie, I've read a lot of your posts this week and really value your insight here. And BlindleadingtheBlind, I really appreciate your perspective as well. Thank you.

 

The OW and I have been on a break this week and the withdrawal symptoms Blind described are right on. And this sounds cruel, but I honestly don't know if I miss her as much as I miss the idea of her/us, and the regular pattern of calls, emails, etc. -- the attention. Which makes me feel that I really am in a fog, and though it's gonna be excruciating, I need to end it with her.

 

I've always had some emotional problems that I've begun to realize are rooted in self-esteem issues. Which is probably why I was seeking validation for myself in the OW. Whoever said I'm sabotaging my own happiness is probably right. There is something off or missing in me, and the A is just a band-aid.

 

This time apart from the OW, though painful, has already allowed me a little clarity and perspective. I agree that if I ended my M and pursued things with the OW, I would likely find myself in the same place 5 years from now, and probably severely depressed. Right now I need to work on me. Which is what I'm hoping to do with the therapist.

 

You've all given me a lot of feedback and things to consider. Thanks again everyone for your input.

 

You're welcome.

 

And yes I think it was me who said you seem to be sabotaging your own happiness. I also said that you seem to think you don't deserve that happiness, and that's rooted in self-esteem. Which is why I think counselling would be really positive for you.

 

Unlike some others I don't say you 'must' tell your W about the A, right now, but I think at some point it would be beneficial for you, if you think you can do it... nothing like emotional honesty for improving intimacy. But I think you need to decide that for yourself down the line if you can't do it now.

 

I think it's great that you've gone NC with your OW while you work on all this. Staying in contact with her would only prolong the agony for everyone I believe, and be counter-productive for sorting out your own mind. And only when you've truly given your marriage your best shot can you know whether you want to stay with your W, or cleanly end it and make a go of it with someone else.

 

So... best of luck for the future, bodhisattva.

[bestadvisor]

Bod, the bottom line is that you will not tell your wife what happened? Is it fair to her to be in the dark? Is it fair to her to not know? Does she deserve it? Do you think you're being selfish to have an affair? Do you think it's selfish to not tell her just you don't have to go through the troubles that might bring by telling?