katy Posted November 1, 2007 Posted November 1, 2007 Hi, I am new to this forum. Sorry this is so long. I have been married for a 1 1/2 years and dated my husband for 4 1/2 years. Before him, I had a very rocky relationship that was not healthy for me. My husband is very kind and understanding and lets me be me. He has many acres for my animals and a house. My problem is that we have never had the same hobbies. I train horses and he doesn't ride. I do love him but there has never been any passion in our life. I beg him to make love to me but he is willing to have sex once a month, if that, and be very content with it. (No he doesn't watch porn or masturbate all the time either) He just has no sex drive. I really feel like we are roommates, great roommates, but still roommates. The part I am most ashamed of is that I married him. Before he even proposed I would tell him that I need more....more conversation, more passion, more!!! He is totally cool if I go out and do my own thing all the time. And for the record I have tried and done all his hobbies. I snowmobiled for 2 years with him. I am not good, crashed into trees, so gave that up, hehehe. I watch him race his snowmobile, I bought a Harley so we could ride together, I go to his softball games. I will ask him to come with but there are always reasons he doesn't. And I have told him over the years all my frustrations but he doesn't do anything. Well, for the past 2 years I have been talking to another man who also rides horses. All we have done is talked, he is on many of the camping trips I take with the horse and is at the same stable I am at. He has asked me time and time again why I am married to someone who doesn't do things with me. He also asks why my husband is just putting me out there on a silver platter for other men, especially him. He has told me that he wants to be with me. As I said before I have known him for 2 years, we haven't just met and decided to fall into lust, lol. I have put him off and put him off and have really tried to make things work with my husband but it is like talking to a wall. He says he wants to work on the marriage and that I am giving up but when is enough enough. He says he just sometimes needs a smack in the head as a wake up call. In my mind, when I sat across from him at a restaurant and told him (not for the first time) that maybe we shouldn't get married that we are roommates, that is a wake up call!!! Please don't criticize me for marrying him, I have enough guilt for that. My question is this ~ has anyone left the "good guy" and had it work out? I don't see a lot of success stories and people are always saying the grass isn't greener on the other side. I am tormented, I didn't get married to get divorced and my H is a great guy but he doesn't fulfill me on hardly any levels.
sumdude Posted November 1, 2007 Posted November 1, 2007 Well, most would recommend marriage councing so set that up and tell your husband to come. If he doesn't just go anyway on your own and talk with the councilor. You husband needs to know just what the stakes are here... wihout being round about it and hoping he gets your signals. I mean a straightforward 'I'm thinking about a possible separation or divorce because I am that unhappy' talk. No anger, hysterics etc.. The smack on the head for real.. You both deserve that. Most of the time the other party (myself included) has no true idea what's coming and bang the other is just gone. Sure there were signs or signals but they were just hazy or indirect so the change that had to happen never had time after the real threat of loss was discovered. I mean if you say maybe we shouldn't get married ... then get married, honestly what kind of signal do you think he received? COMMUNICATE! Yeah tough love is what it takes..... things change or else. Seems like a lot of the people who post in this forum who are the leavers get here when they're pretty much done and are looking for permission to leave in a way. That's sad, such is life.
sumdude Posted November 1, 2007 Posted November 1, 2007 You should give your marriage a REAL chance to survive is what I'm saying... Right now with this other guy you're excited about a fantasy relationship in a way. Sure you two spend time together etc. but it's not the same. Be up front with your husband.. if you respect him he deserves that and a chance to make it work. You too need to remember this No one will ever meet all of your expectations ... You will never meet all of someone else's expectations ... So manage your expectations and keep it real.
curiousnycgirl Posted November 1, 2007 Posted November 1, 2007 The only thing you indicated in your post that you share with this new guy is a love of horses. Frankly that is a very limited basis for a long term relationship. I also have a horse, and he is my primary hobby/passion. My bf does know how to ride, but really looks at horses as vehicles vs. something to love, care for, train, compete, etc. My bf prefers watching open wheel racing (formula 1, champ car, etc), which I loathe - it gives me a headache, and he is an avid hunter, where I cannot bring myself to shoot an animal (which makes me a hypocrite as I am a meat eater). We do our best to share in each other's interests and support eachother, but also give eachother time to enjoy our spearate interests. Upon occassion my b/f will come with me to the barn, take pictures of me and my horse, etc, but to tell the truth he finds all the care I give my horse to be ridiculous. Similarly I have attended car races with him - bored me to tears, but I did it. M bf and I also had an issue with his not having the same interest in sex as I do. This was a huge issue for us. We started seeing a therapist in January and the results have been amazing. I highly recommend finding the RIGHT therapist, and giving that a go before you give up on your marriage. I certainly understand the frustration you are feeling - but it sounds like you married a wonderful, supportive man - and it would be a shame to give up on that before seeing if things can be fixed.
Mz. Pixie Posted November 1, 2007 Posted November 1, 2007 Katy- First of all, you're having an emotional affair with this other guy, if it hadn't gone to physical already. You're letting him meet needs you should be letting your H meet- and that is what qualifies it as an affair. You need to truly get away from the other man to get your head straight. While you're under the influence of this guy chasing you and saying all the right things, you're not going to see your H in a positive light. So, you need to go no contact with this guy while you decide if you're going to work on your marriage. And I mean serious NC- at least for a couple of months to see what is going to happen. Marriage counseling for you as a couple first before you make a decision. I've been in your shoes, and I had an affair which I deeply regret. I wish I would have gotten out before the affair started and left my marriage on an honorable basis. You think you feel guilty now about marrying him?? The guilt over having an affair- once you recover from the fog- will probably be worse. It's been several years and I still have massive guilt. My ex wasn't a bad guy. He was a good person. He just had an different idea of what marriage should be about. He wanted a cook, housekeeper, nanny, personal assistant who would be waiting for sex when he got home. I wanted a partner. He wanted to pursue his hobbies all the time and not spend any time with me or the kids. I actually told him that I would have an affair if he didn't start staying home and working on our marriage. He said he didn't have time. So yeah, I left the good guy. But I didn't leave him for the OM- that was over by the time I left. I was actually blessed. I ended up meeting another good guy who is a partner to me in every way. However, it doesn't always happen like that. I could have been single for a long time and I could have gotten really screwed over by a bunch of jerks. With your OM?? You don't have to pay bills or discuss real life so it's a fantasy. Once you two would be in a real relationship then it would start to break down to the same ole issues that you have (okay maybe not the sex part). But, in every relationship there are going to be unpleasant things and problems. It just doesn't seem like it now because the other guy is a clean slate. You don't want to end your marriage as a cheater. If you haven't crossed the line yet into a physical affair then please stop now. I'm only trying to help you avoid the pain I've endured over having mine.
smokiejjj Posted November 1, 2007 Posted November 1, 2007 Maybe have him try the testosterone patch and make sure he is not watching porn. Also he might work too hard and be too tired for sex.
Stampy Posted November 1, 2007 Posted November 1, 2007 Just to echo SumDude's comments, my X thought she was totally giving me the signals that she was unhappy and, if she was giving them to me, it was total news to me. Looking back, yeah she probably was, but I didnt get them.
jmargel Posted November 1, 2007 Posted November 1, 2007 So you have been talking to this OM before you even got married? How could you give your husband 100% when your mind is on someone else? How would you like it, if your husband was talking to a chick, doing things with her for the past two years? Be honest and tell your husband. That's if you want to be with him. Not only will it make you feel better about yourself, it will also be a wake up call for your husband. Marriage counseling is a must here as well. Every marriage (well at least mine anyways) and from the people I know, the infactuation, the lust slowly dwindles away. It usually happens when one of them become too comfortable in the relationship and then start taking things for granted. This OM is using your husband's trust against you. For him to make it sound like your husband doesn't care about you just because he trusts you enough to do the things you love by yourself is a way for this OM to get into your pants. IMO if you are serious about fixing things with your husband, you need to go no contact with this OM. Doesn't matter what situation you are in, when a third person is involved it makes things worse. Hope this helps some.
Recommended Posts