Heartbrokenprincess Posted November 1, 2007 Posted November 1, 2007 [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]Omg, I am starting to feel so depressed and I can't handle it![/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Times New Roman][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]My ex and and I broke up exactly one month ago. (He is 21, and I am 20). We were together for about two years. For the first year and a half or so, things were almost perfect. (I say almost, because I know no relationship is exactly perfect.) We were each other’s best friends and spent alot of time together. I was his first love, he was mine, and he told me that he could see himself marrying me one day and starting a family together. I believed all of this, and our relationship grew. [/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Fast forward to when he transferred to a new school. (Our schools were still close, so it was not long distance.) In the beginning, there was no real change, but by the spring semester, I began to notice a difference in him. The females there were showing him A TON of attention, and he seemed to love the hell out of hit. So much so, that he began to flirt back alot, and even had these new "friends" of his calling his cell phone as late as 1am. He never even made an effort to introduce me to any of them. (At his old school, he was eager for me to meet EVERYONE.) This made me very uncomfortable. I was happy that he was making new friends (male and female), but I felt that he needed to draw the line between what was appropriate and what was not. He flirted to the point where I knew that these girls felt that regardless of whether he was in a relationship or not, they didn't care about the boundaries because they felt they could get him if they wanted. Still, he said that they were just friends and I had nothing to worry about. (All the while, he still showed me attention, and was very affectionate when we were together and told me he loved me everyday, and I told him the same....confusing.)[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][/FONT] [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]We started to argue about this often. Maybe I was jealous, I really don't know. I just felt like he was being disrespectful to our relationship. Once he began recieving the late night phone calls, that's when I began to question my trust for him. He was a little uneasy when I questioned him about the phone call at 1am. He says he just got nervous because he knows how I feel about that. He agreed that maybe he was being "too friendly', and said he would try to stop, but for a while, I did not notice any change.He also began to spend less time hanging out with me and more time hanging out with friends from his school. (I just think there should have been more of a balance. I don't care if he hangs out with friends, as long as I don't feel neglected. I'd also like to add that during this time, he began to shy away from marriage talk. (Whgen he was the one who initiated it!) He said he doesn't want me to feel like he didn't want to marry me anymore, because of course he would, but he just feels like we should "cross that bridge when we get to it". On several occasions, I told him that I felt that he wanted to date other people, and time and time again, he told me that was not true. He said he loved me to death and would never want to lose me. After about a month or two of this stress, we had a BIG discussion about everything. We agreed that we loved each other dearly, and wanted to make things work. For the next two weeks or so, I saw a change in him. We became closer, and he was making an effort to spend more time together. I was becoming hopeful.[/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Times New Roman][/FONT] [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]Then a month ago, he and I were spending time at his house. He left the room, and something was telling me to look at his phone. I fought with myself not to do it, (I had never [/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]done this before), but I couldn't stop myself. I guess I wanted to see if he held up his end of the bargain by ceasing the late night convos. I looked at his call list and saw A TON of incoming, outgoing, and missed calls from this one girl, whom I had never heard of before. When he returned to the room, I asked him who she was. He paused and said, "Just one of my homies from school". Upon further questioning, I finally asked, "Is there anything else that you think I need to know about this girl?" At first he said no, but then replied that they had kissed at his school three weeks prior. He said it was a terrible mistake. My world was shattered. A numbness came over me. I was so hurt that I couldn't hear anything else that he had to say. I just needed to get out of his house as soon as possible. A couple of days later, we had a talk and he told me that it was a mistake. He said he didn't want to tell me because he knew how it would hurt me, and he didn't want to put me through that, over something that would not be repeated. I broke up with him anyway. He asked if we could still be friends, but I told him I would have to see with time. We didn't speak at all for about a week and a half.[/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]After that, we did get back together. He admitted that it was going to be hard to not do [/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]anything with other girls, but he loved me and wanted to try. (what was I thinking? I didn’t know where this was coming from because he used to say I imagining things when I thought he wanted to date others.) The next day he and I had a talk, and he confessed that he is very confused right now and is not sure that he can handle a serious relationship. He says he knows that he loves me and always will, but he doesn't think he can handle putting me through that kind of pain again (by cheating). [/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Times New Roman][/FONT] [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]He says he wants to give me the world because he knows that's what I deserve, but he is [/FONT][/sIZE] [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]confused right now. He said I am honestly probably the sweetest and most genuine person that he's ever met and that I am beautiful both inside and out. If he really felt this way, then how could he let me go? Once again, he says he really wants to be friends because he loves me and does not want me out of his life. I said that's easy for him to say because ultimately, he got what he wanted, but I got the short end of the stick. I think it will be too hard to be friends with him right now. [/FONT][/sIZE] [FONT=Times New Roman][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]This was about 3 weeks ago, and we haven't spoken since. In this time, I have gone through a multitude of emotions. I'm trying to be strong by not contacting him, even though there were times that I wanted to. The most painful emotion I have been feeling is self-blame. I sit and try to figure out what would make him stop seeing me as the “one and only”, and start to want to date other people. I fear that maybe my insecurities and jealousy regarding his newfound flirtation pushed him away. I am trying to come to peace with this, but I can't stop blaming myself and feeling like I shouldn't have complained about it. Am I right or wrong? He never blamed me for any of this, but I can’t stop being hard on myself.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]How can I make myself stop feeling this way? I feel like our whole relationship was a lie, and he doesn't love me (I want to believe he does, but it’s hard)....I have so many unanswered questions. If a part of him did want to be single, then why didn't he admit it when I asked him? How can you truly love someone, but still feel the need to “sow your oats” or test the waters (he never said those words, but I can read between the lines).I wish he wanted to fight for us the way that I wanted to. I need to get through this![/sIZE][/FONT]
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