Long story, but not sure where I am now ... NC or otherwise?

[RamChops]

Though I've trawled my unhappy story through a couple of threads here at LS, I think it's about time I started my own ... especially as I'm at a new phase ... or so I think. Bit drunk and therefore slightly incoherent at the moment ...

 

Back to the beginning ...

 

MW came into my life as a colleague about 18 months ago. She and I had coincidentally studied together some time prior to this happening, though we hadn't had much to do with each other at that time. When I met her, I found out shortly thereafter that she was married (less than 4 years, no kids), and immediately crossed her off my list of eligible girls ... so to speak.

 

At the time, I was still seeing my long term GF, though she was away. I lived in the house we bought together. I still loved her a huge amount, even after so long, though the truth be told I wasn't treating her all that well sometimes and the fire had really diminished. Perhaps I was casting around somewhat for a new relationship ... though an A was not what I had in mind.

 

MW and I spent every day together, for quite some time, she shared EVERYTHING with me, I was her confidante and her sounding board. It wasn't long before her relationship with H was my knowledge too, not that I asked for that to be the case.

 

The relationship with her took a huge turn when she started telling me that I would have been a suitable candidate for a relationship with her, that we could have had lots of fun. Though I was flattered, I was scared and downright didn't like what I was hearing. To my mind I had a GF and that was that. But I suppose by then she was already in an EA, though I didn't know of that concept until recently. I just considered myself a close friend to her; truth be told she doesn't have many of those, in fact I'm closer to her than her H is, even by then that was the case, it's more so now.

 

One day, though, I faltered. She came over and during a hug our lips met ... I kept saying no, but just couldn't stop myself. I told her over and over to think of our partners, but she said not to worry. By then I realised that I had had feelings for her, no matter how much I denied them. Things built up over the next couple of days, but by the third day she wanted me totally, and I said no and turned her away. But the following week, she seemed to be wanting a friend of mine who was available ... things had already started to pique my interest so I said yes. I said repeatedly that she had a choice, at any time she could turn around and walk out the door ... but she didn't. I had a choice too but I was weak.

 

Our intimacy was incredible, it was like nothing I had ever experienced before. Maybe all the dials were turned up to 10 because it was a new experience, but over 1 year later it's still just as amazing, if not more so. At first I believe she wanted some fun, and I a new experience, but now it's definitely far, far deeper than that ...

 

Not long after the A started I felt tremendous guilt and decided that what I was doing was appalling for my GF ... I ended it as soon as I could with her. I still had some separation anxiety but I thought I needed a clear head before moving forward, backwards or sideways. I resolved to end it with MW, did so, but that didn't last long ... As I have detailed elsewhere, things caught up with me with my ex, she threw me out and kept my money. She is playing very hard ball at the moment, and I consider my life savings gone. Worse, that friendship is broken and the love, affection and attention I used to give her has been diverted - I do feel really bad about that sometimes.

 

Anyway, the A with MW went through all the usual ups and downs, we broke up a number of times, but always managed to get back together within a week or two ... making out in the back of cabs, at parties, etc. usually being the catalyst for more time together. At that time she was able to pass off a lot of our time together as time spent with friends from work ...

 

Everything was going smoothly until a couple of months ago. One day she left her phone with her H inadvertently. I sent her a message asking where she was. Next thing I know I got a call from her number, but I'm speaking to her H (who I had met by this time). I palmed him off, back to her, but he was pretty angry by then. That day ended with him leaving me a voice message telling me he'd kill me if I called her again, and a text message saying the same.

 

We freaked out and I told her that I couldn't see her if she was still with him. Then I thought I'd just disappear for some time and she virtually went catatonic ... at that point, the relationship was somehow rekindled, so the overall effect was that I believed his threats, but they had little to no effect on me, or us. I should point out that for most of the past year I'd been telling her to ditch me and sort things out with her H ... it was my view that he'd be able to do a good job of stuffing things up without my intervention, or maybe she'd find lasting happiness with him ... maybe.

 

So everything continued unabated for 2 months. Then last week he logged into her personal e-mail account, an account he hasn't seen for apparently about 3 years - he had a "bad feeling something was afoot". He read an e-mail I wrote to her on the way home from a wonderful evening we'd spent together. Again, I got another call on my mobile from his phone ... he was rude and threatening me with all sorts of violence. I kept it together, even though I was pretty stressed.

 

She wanted to cool things off with me, until she'd had a chance to think about what to do. I asked if she'd ever be able to see me in more than an extra-marital capacity, but she said no, or no time in the near future. She is scared of upsetting her family it seems. I gave her the option of running away with me, as she's always said she could never stay in this city if she did so ... but she didn't seem all that interested, and just felt pressured.

 

In the end I had to tell her how much pain I was in. Really I have started to see her as possibly "the one" for me ... it's based on so many things that we have in common and that we have shared, things that had fallen into place at pretty much the right time - even if that was sheer coincidence. She tells me that I could well be the love of her life ... but I feel this immense sadness that as the love of her life she would not give it all up for me. She is adamant that she prefers me to her H and that she's made the wrong choice with him ...

 

She changed the password on her e-mail account, and went to delete some messages. He went nuts again, so she gave him the password. When he got it, he read messages she'd deleted but not purged ... so he threatened me again. This time he was adamant that he was going to kill me, but I haven't heard anything now for about 2 days. Apparently he later told her that he was going to kill himself, and she's been swearing blind to him that our PA was limited to hugs and kisses ... not a full blown PA that's been going on behind his back for over 1 year.

 

I wrote to her asking her to end things with me if she was going to choose to be with him. I couldn't walk away because I'd end up totally alone, but on the other hand I can't endure the pain of trying to cool things off while still seeing each other every day - at least if there was no expectation there we'd be able to interact more normally - limbo just sucks. Eventually she wrote to me telling me that she was letting me go, and that she was going to make a go of her M. That was an enormous relief to me, it helped me feel like I was getting free of this mess, that she had recognised her choice and my pain, and she could try to sort things out in the fractured M, and I could possibly move on.

 

Today, though, I left my phone off, but she's been messaging and wanting to speak to me. I was busy, but I probably could have called back ... as it is I messaged her briefly, and then at length to tell her that I saw her as possibly the one (never told her before) but that I needed to be alone for a while ... she retorted that I had never told her that before, that she had secretly hoped I would tell her, but it was too late and we were both too scared now ... when I feel she was the one who didn't want to give up her comfort zone.

 

So I went out tonight and got reasonably drunk, but I'm not sure what to do ... I still want her so badly but I can't be second fiddle to her H, and she won't just give him up on a whim. I need to be strong but something tells me that isn't going to be the case ... I miss her so damned badly ....

 

What should I do? I know most people will say go NC, but she was saying that she wanted more time to decide on the course of her life, but then deep down I always thought she'd drop me anyway, so why waste the time and endure the pain ... she is worth it but this pain is so crippling ... I'm a mess but I need this catharsis right now ...

[LucreziaBorgia]

Just keep telling yourself this: you had a life before her. She came into your life, and the result was this:

 

She got all of her life, and half of yours. You are left with half of a life now, if that much.

 

Strip the love and emotion for a second. Is your life now enhanced by her presence, or did her presence send your life spiraling down like a house of cards?

 

You felt love, but at a great personal cost. She is still standing there using you like her own personal emotional ATM, draining you, while she has a bank at home as well. She wants all of her life. She is willing to tear down half of yours, in order to keep all of hers.

 

Who do you think she really loves here? You? Her husband? Or herself?

 

Think hard now. Look at who is losing out here - you and her husband, while she keeps you both.

 

Is that what you want in your life? Is the love you shared worth the hell you are going through now?

[Meaplus3]

Though I've trawled my unhappy story through a couple of threads here at LS, I think it's about time I started my own ... especially as I'm at a new phase ... or so I think. Bit drunk and therefore slightly incoherent at the moment ...

 

Back to the beginning ...

 

MW came into my life as a colleague about 18 months ago. She and I had coincidentally studied together some time prior to this happening, though we hadn't had much to do with each other at that time. When I met her, I found out shortly thereafter that she was married (less than 4 years, no kids), and immediately crossed her off my list of eligible girls ... so to speak.

 

At the time, I was still seeing my long term GF, though she was away. I lived in the house we bought together. I still loved her a huge amount, even after so long, though the truth be told I wasn't treating her all that well sometimes and the fire had really diminished. Perhaps I was casting around somewhat for a new relationship ... though an A was not what I had in mind.

 

MW and I spent every day together, for quite some time, she shared EVERYTHING with me, I was her confidante and her sounding board. It wasn't long before her relationship with H was my knowledge too, not that I asked for that to be the case.

 

The relationship with her took a huge turn when she started telling me that I would have been a suitable candidate for a relationship with her, that we could have had lots of fun. Though I was flattered, I was scared and downright didn't like what I was hearing. To my mind I had a GF and that was that. But I suppose by then she was already in an EA, though I didn't know of that concept until recently. I just considered myself a close friend to her; truth be told she doesn't have many of those, in fact I'm closer to her than her H is, even by then that was the case, it's more so now.

 

One day, though, I faltered. She came over and during a hug our lips met ... I kept saying no, but just couldn't stop myself. I told her over and over to think of our partners, but she said not to worry. By then I realised that I had had feelings for her, no matter how much I denied them. Things built up over the next couple of days, but by the third day she wanted me totally, and I said no and turned her away. But the following week, she seemed to be wanting a friend of mine who was available ... things had already started to pique my interest so I said yes. I said repeatedly that she had a choice, at any time she could turn around and walk out the door ... but she didn't. I had a choice too but I was weak.

 

Our intimacy was incredible, it was like nothing I had ever experienced before. Maybe all the dials were turned up to 10 because it was a new experience, but over 1 year later it's still just as amazing, if not more so. At first I believe she wanted some fun, and I a new experience, but now it's definitely far, far deeper than that ...

 

Not long after the A started I felt tremendous guilt and decided that what I was doing was appalling for my GF ... I ended it as soon as I could with her. I still had some separation anxiety but I thought I needed a clear head before moving forward, backwards or sideways. I resolved to end it with MW, did so, but that didn't last long ... As I have detailed elsewhere, things caught up with me with my ex, she threw me out and kept my money. She is playing very hard ball at the moment, and I consider my life savings gone. Worse, that friendship is broken and the love, affection and attention I used to give her has been diverted - I do feel really bad about that sometimes.

 

Anyway, the A with MW went through all the usual ups and downs, we broke up a number of times, but always managed to get back together within a week or two ... making out in the back of cabs, at parties, etc. usually being the catalyst for more time together. At that time she was able to pass off a lot of our time together as time spent with friends from work ...

 

Everything was going smoothly until a couple of months ago. One day she left her phone with her H inadvertently. I sent her a message asking where she was. Next thing I know I got a call from her number, but I'm speaking to her H (who I had met by this time). I palmed him off, back to her, but he was pretty angry by then. That day ended with him leaving me a voice message telling me he'd kill me if I called her again, and a text message saying the same.

 

We freaked out and I told her that I couldn't see her if she was still with him. Then I thought I'd just disappear for some time and she virtually went catatonic ... at that point, the relationship was somehow rekindled, so the overall effect was that I believed his threats, but they had little to no effect on me, or us. I should point out that for most of the past year I'd been telling her to ditch me and sort things out with her H ... it was my view that he'd be able to do a good job of stuffing things up without my intervention, or maybe she'd find lasting happiness with him ... maybe.

 

So everything continued unabated for 2 months. Then last week he logged into her personal e-mail account, an account he hasn't seen for apparently about 3 years - he had a "bad feeling something was afoot". He read an e-mail I wrote to her on the way home from a wonderful evening we'd spent together. Again, I got another call on my mobile from his phone ... he was rude and threatening me with all sorts of violence. I kept it together, even though I was pretty stressed.

 

She wanted to cool things off with me, until she'd had a chance to think about what to do. I asked if she'd ever be able to see me in more than an extra-marital capacity, but she said no, or no time in the near future. She is scared of upsetting her family it seems. I gave her the option of running away with me, as she's always said she could never stay in this city if she did so ... but she didn't seem all that interested, and just felt pressured.

 

In the end I had to tell her how much pain I was in. Really I have started to see her as possibly "the one" for me ... it's based on so many things that we have in common and that we have shared, things that had fallen into place at pretty much the right time - even if that was sheer coincidence. She tells me that I could well be the love of her life ... but I feel this immense sadness that as the love of her life she would not give it all up for me. She is adamant that she prefers me to her H and that she's made the wrong choice with him ...

 

She changed the password on her e-mail account, and went to delete some messages. He went nuts again, so she gave him the password. When he got it, he read messages she'd deleted but not purged ... so he threatened me again. This time he was adamant that he was going to kill me, but I haven't heard anything now for about 2 days. Apparently he later told her that he was going to kill himself, and she's been swearing blind to him that our PA was limited to hugs and kisses ... not a full blown PA that's been going on behind his back for over 1 year.

 

I wrote to her asking her to end things with me if she was going to choose to be with him. I couldn't walk away because I'd end up totally alone, but on the other hand I can't endure the pain of trying to cool things off while still seeing each other every day - at least if there was no expectation there we'd be able to interact more normally - limbo just sucks. Eventually she wrote to me telling me that she was letting me go, and that she was going to make a go of her M. That was an enormous relief to me, it helped me feel like I was getting free of this mess, that she had recognised her choice and my pain, and she could try to sort things out in the fractured M, and I could possibly move on.

 

Today, though, I left my phone off, but she's been messaging and wanting to speak to me. I was busy, but I probably could have called back ... as it is I messaged her briefly, and then at length to tell her that I saw her as possibly the one (never told her before) but that I needed to be alone for a while ... she retorted that I had never told her that before, that she had secretly hoped I would tell her, but it was too late and we were both too scared now ... when I feel she was the one who didn't want to give up her comfort zone.

 

So I went out tonight and got reasonably drunk, but I'm not sure what to do ... I still want her so badly but I can't be second fiddle to her H, and she won't just give him up on a whim. I need to be strong but something tells me that isn't going to be the case ... I miss her so damned badly ....

 

What should I do? I know most people will say go NC, but she was saying that she wanted more time to decide on the course of her life, but then deep down I always thought she'd drop me anyway, so why waste the time and endure the pain ... she is worth it but this pain is so crippling ... I'm a mess but I need this catharsis right now ...

 

WOW this sound's like a big mess! As much as this may hurt you right now NC is the way to go. This MW need's to sort thing's out with here H first and you need to let her do that or else you will continue to be second fiddle to her and it sound's to me like that's not what you want.

 

AP:)

[reboot]

Good grief.

 

You've hurt your girlfriend, you're destroying this woman's husband, and you admittedly aren't doing much for yourself. And for what? Love? Get a grip. This isn't love. It's lust.

 

In your best scenerio, she dumps her husband for you, and then what? All these infatuation feelings will pass in a year or two. Will those feelings have become real love at that point? Make no mistake there's a huge difference. It obviously didn't work out that way for her husband. But, hey, you're special right? It's different with you, right?

 

But ok, now you've got her, what do you have? You have a woman that craves forbidden excitement. God that's sexy isn't it?

 

Oh but wait. This time, you won't be the one that can give that to her. You'll be the boring old SO. Best think about that. Best watch your back. There's plenty of men out there just like you that don't give a damn who they hurt.

[norajane]

Eventually she wrote to me telling me that she was letting me go, and that she was going to make a go of her M.

 

Today, though, I left my phone off, but she's been messaging and wanting to speak to me. I was busy, but I probably could have called back ... as it is I messaged her briefly, and then at length to tell her that I saw her as possibly the one (never told her before) but that I needed to be alone for a while ... she retorted that I had never told her that before, that she had secretly hoped I would tell her, but it was too late and we were both too scared now ... when I feel she was the one who didn't want to give up her comfort zone.

That's her stringing you along again, so she can have what she wants regardless of how it affects you or her husband. It's all about her, isn't it?

 

She's not leaving her husband. Repeat that to yourself over and over and over. Because that's the truth and you know it.

 

She never had any intention of leaving him, she has no intention of leaving him now, and she's not going to leave him as long as he doesn't dump her lying, cheating ass. Since he already has proof of her cheating and hasn't kicked her out, he's probably going to try to make a go of things.

 

She's also a woman who is married for 4 short years, and is stepping out on the man she made a lifetime commitment to, without much concern for him. You'd be in her husband's shoes in a few years if she left him for you.

 

Count your blessings that he found out because now you have an opportunity to get your head clear and some time down the road truly find someone you can be with and who can love you honestly and openly.

 

The best thing to do is No Contact anymore. It's done, it's over, she's not leaving her husband.