mopar crazy Posted November 1, 2007 Posted November 1, 2007 It's been 4.5 years since my H left me, filed for a D, and went to be w/ the OW. However, a few months later he wanted to R the M, started telling the truth about his A, etc. It's been a long haul trying to regain that trust. Hearing him say he would never put me through that pain again, how stupid he was, just isn't enough. Last night I had yet another dream about him cheating on me. My H works 3rd shift, doesn't get home until after I leave for work. In my dream I go to the garage to start my car to warm it up. I pick up a few things in the garage and go back inside. Right as I am walking in the door H and this skinny, older, short haired blonde come walking up the basement stairs holding hands. OMG I lost it! All sorts of names come flying out my mouth. I start hitting him. I am yelling at him, asking him HOW could he do this after he PROMISED over and over again he would NEVER cheat on me again. OW just stands there leaning against her car looking at me in disgust. I yell at her asking her if she knew he was M, blah, blah, blah. She wont answer, only stares at me. She probably thinks I'm a psycho but what W wouldn't go crazy actually catching your H w/ the OW. So, anyhow, I take a 2x4 that is the garage and I hit H w/ it, knocking him out. OW just stands there, leaning against her car, looking at my H until he finally gets up and crawls to her car and they leave! WTF do I keep having dreams of him having an A? Why so violent? I never got this way w/ H's first A. I might have yelled at him but I don't ever recall actually hitting him. Will I always have these damn dreams? Is this my self-conscious telling me that I don't trust my H at all?
LucreziaBorgia Posted November 1, 2007 Posted November 1, 2007 Infidelity is like emotional herpes, Mopar. Once you get it, its permanent. Just like herpes, emotional herpes comes and goes. Sometimes it flares up mildly in the form of slight triggers, sometimes it flares up really bad in the form of vivid horrible dreams. Sometimes it lies dormant for a long time. Its those dormant periods you want to focus on, and just get through the flare ups as they come. I honestly don't think it ever entirely goes away. Its like a tiny virus lodged in your heart, that will attack at your most vulnerable moments and when it can't get you then, it sneaks into your dreams. I don't think there is a cure as long as you are with the person who cheated on you, and even then I think it stays with you in some form or other. Its not that you don't trust him. Its just those unresolved things in your heart, those reminders - those unresolved things are the virus itself. It is not a hopeless case like I'm making it out to be. There will be more happy times than sad, more secure times than insecure ones, longer periods of time between flare ups. Eventually it just goes dormant for so long you begin to move on. That's not to say that you won't get a tingle in your heart from time to time to remind you...
Freedom Now Posted November 1, 2007 Posted November 1, 2007 Mopar, I am so sorry you are having such horrific dreams. If it is any consolation to you, I struggle with issues related to my part in the affair that I found myself involved in. I, too, was betrayed on so many levels. If you can remember, I was lied to about his marital status. And the dishonesty, and later abandonment has affected me deeply. And I am now seeing how affected I am in my current relationship. Affairs hurt everyone as we can see now. Peace to you and I pray for your healing. FN/WA
NoIDidn't Posted November 2, 2007 Posted November 2, 2007 Mopar, It just means that you are normal and human. Somethings we will never forget. Somethings we will fear even when the evidence points to other things. Have you checked out one of those dream interpretation sites? It may not be the infidelity that is on your mind at all. Hope you feel better and have happier dreams tonight.
sarme Posted November 2, 2007 Posted November 2, 2007 A dream like that sometimes is not to be taken at face value it signifies other aspects of your life that evoke the same types of emotions. The reason you dream so vividly about the trauma of being betrayed is because it is still fresh in your conscious mind. Your subconscious however can use that situation to represent another. Is there anything in your life that you feel hopeless about right now or that you are not in control of that makes you feel betrayed? It could be more about that than about the actual affair.
NoIDidn't Posted November 2, 2007 Posted November 2, 2007 A dream like that sometimes is not to be taken at face value it signifies other aspects of your life that evoke the same types of emotions. The reason you dream so vividly about the trauma of being betrayed is because it is still fresh in your conscious mind. Your subconscious however can use that situation to represent another. Is there anything in your life that you feel hopeless about right now or that you are not in control of that makes you feel betrayed? It could be more about that than about the actual affair. I agree. I had a similar dream before my H had ever done anything of the sort. It was my own feelings of abandonment and insecurities in intimate Rs (in general). I haven't had the dream since I dealt with the feelings with my therapist. Not to say that the feelings are completely gone, they just may show up in a different kind of dream next time. Dreams are tricky. They are often not at all about what they seem to be about (if THAT made any sense at all. LOL).
norajane Posted November 2, 2007 Posted November 2, 2007 I agree that dreams aren't always what they seem to be - they are often metaphors for something else going on with you. Having said that, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. Have you been spending more time on LS lately, and it's re-opening old wounds?
outofdarkness Posted November 2, 2007 Posted November 2, 2007 It's been 4.5 years since my H left me, filed for a D, and went to be w/ the OW. However, a few months later he wanted to R the M, started telling the truth about his A, etc. It's been a long haul trying to regain that trust. Hearing him say he would never put me through that pain again, how stupid he was, just isn't enough. Last night I had yet another dream about him cheating on me. My H works 3rd shift, doesn't get home until after I leave for work. In my dream I go to the garage to start my car to warm it up. I pick up a few things in the garage and go back inside. Right as I am walking in the door H and this skinny, older, short haired blonde come walking up the basement stairs holding hands. OMG I lost it! All sorts of names come flying out my mouth. I start hitting him. I am yelling at him, asking him HOW could he do this after he PROMISED over and over again he would NEVER cheat on me again. OW just stands there leaning against her car looking at me in disgust. I yell at her asking her if she knew he was M, blah, blah, blah. She wont answer, only stares at me. She probably thinks I'm a psycho but what W wouldn't go crazy actually catching your H w/ the OW. So, anyhow, I take a 2x4 that is the garage and I hit H w/ it, knocking him out. OW just stands there, leaning against her car, looking at my H until he finally gets up and crawls to her car and they leave! WTF do I keep having dreams of him having an A? Why so violent? I never got this way w/ H's first A. I might have yelled at him but I don't ever recall actually hitting him. Will I always have these damn dreams? Is this my self-conscious telling me that I don't trust my H at all? It's been almost 4 years for me and the dreams have subsided, but still come every now and then. Most of the time, I take it as my subconsc. telling me that something may be up and I can't cope w/ it when I'm awake...
silktricks Posted November 2, 2007 Posted November 2, 2007 As everyone has said, it's probably your subconcious working out some issues. Have you talked to your husband about the dreams? I can't remember if you did therapy or not. If so, it may be good to go back and see him/her and talk about how you're feeling with a professional. But it doesn't necessarily mean that you are still deeply fixated. A note to NID I tried to PM you and was unable to do so. Do you have it turned on?
Havn_a_life Posted November 2, 2007 Posted November 2, 2007 I have one of these kinds of dreams once every 4 months or so. I don't know why I do. Most times, I can't even remember thinking about the A. It may be that I pass a car that reminds me of the one xOW drove, but goes out of my mind. I do that with other things, too. I can see, say, Keanu Reeves in a movie and that night I'll have a dream about him. I'm a very vivid dreamer. I have what they call lucid dreams, so when I dream, I know I'm dreaming. lol So, you can tell how my sub conscious can play with that. I don't know how many kisses I've sneaked from Mr. Reeves. Where dreaming of my H cheating is concerned, I feel so awful and let down when I have them, in my dreams. I wake myself up crying, but not really, just a dry cry. No tears. I'm angry and hurt for about 20 seconds after I wake up, then I realize it was a nightmare.
Author mopar crazy Posted November 3, 2007 Author Posted November 3, 2007 Thanks everyone! Well, I had another dream he was cheating again. Two nights in a row? This is starting to get annoying. The last dream wasn't as vivid as the first one. Where are my happy dreams at? I haven't spoke to H about it. I guess when it comes down to it I am scared he will have another A. But, I wont take him back if he screws up again. I can't, I wont, I refuse. I know I could find someone else, that wont be an issue, it's just the damn hurt. I don't want to go through that again, ever! It was the worst pain I have ever dealt w/ in my life. I did seek IC after my H's A but maybe I need to go back??? I don't have the cheating dreams that often. Maybe it has been b/c I have been at LS more lately. Hey hal! Nice to "see" you!
reboot Posted November 3, 2007 Posted November 3, 2007 Do you actually have any suspicions or are they just unwelcome dreams?
Author mopar crazy Posted November 3, 2007 Author Posted November 3, 2007 Do you actually have any suspicions or are they just unwelcome dreams? No, not really. I don't know if it's b/c I have been reading on LS more or what. But even when I'm not reading here as much I still have the dreams.
ftballfan300 Posted November 3, 2007 Posted November 3, 2007 Your not happy. Deal with it and grow up
Havn_a_life Posted November 3, 2007 Posted November 3, 2007 Your not happy. Deal with it and grow up Ok, that's some advice and the rudeness was uncalled for. If you can't be nice, perhaps you should find a thread where you can. Mopar, dreams don't especially mean you have the worry. It can be something you saw on tv or passed on the street. If you feel like you want or need to talk to your H, then do. See what he says. Are you afriad he'll think you're regressing back over the A?
Author mopar crazy Posted November 4, 2007 Author Posted November 4, 2007 Your not happy. Deal with it and grow up I'm usually pretty calm but F@CK OFF! My dreams about my FWH A has NOTHING to do w/ immaturity and not being happy. I think you need to GROW UP!
OpenBook Posted November 4, 2007 Posted November 4, 2007 You'd better get used to it. Your H's infidelity, betrayal and abandonment will haunt you for the rest of your life. You will never be able to completely trust him again. But you obviously have your reasons for staying M'd to him anyway. If I were you, I would start thinking for myself.
reboot Posted November 4, 2007 Posted November 4, 2007 You'd better get used to it. Your H's infidelity, betrayal and abandonment will haunt you for the rest of your life. You will never be able to completely trust him again. But you obviously have your reasons for staying M'd to him anyway.What you said here is very true, and I can't argue with it. And usually when someone says this it's followed by "dump his/her ass and find someone you can trust". But here's what you (and this is a collective 'you') don't seem to understand. I'll speak only for myself, but I suspect many BS feel the same way. I already found that person that I could trust, and that would never betray me. And yet they did. But the problem is not just a matter of never being able to trust her again. The problem is I'll never trust anyone again. I guess sometimes we decide the devil we know is better than the devil we don't.
Author mopar crazy Posted November 4, 2007 Author Posted November 4, 2007 What you said here is very true, and I can't argue with it. And usually when someone says this it's followed by "dump his/her ass and find someone you can trust". But here's what you (and this is a collective 'you') don't seem to understand. I'll speak only for myself, but I suspect many BS feel the same way. I already found that person that I could trust, and that would never betray me. And yet they did. But the problem is not just a matter of never being able to trust her again. The problem is I'll never trust anyone again. I guess sometimes we decide the devil we know is better than the devil we don't. I agree! Even if I did D my H b/c of trust issues it would be hard to trust anyone else. I trusted my H 110% for 11 years and then he has an A. Can I ever trust him like that again? I hope so. I can't live day to day thinking that he is having an A, and I wont. But the dreams are just getting annoying and I want to know why I am having them again so often.
Author mopar crazy Posted November 4, 2007 Author Posted November 4, 2007 You'd better get used to it. Your H's infidelity, betrayal and abandonment will haunt you for the rest of your life. You will never be able to completely trust him again. But you obviously have your reasons for staying M'd to him anyway. If I were you, I would start thinking for myself. OpenBook, aren't you an OW, or a FOW? How can you give advice to a BW if you never been in her shoes? If you are a FBW who tried to make her M work after an A then I will welcome your advice.
Havn_a_life Posted November 5, 2007 Posted November 5, 2007 What you said here is very true, and I can't argue with it. And usually when someone says this it's followed by "dump his/her ass and find someone you can trust". But here's what you (and this is a collective 'you') don't seem to understand. I'll speak only for myself, but I suspect many BS feel the same way. I already found that person that I could trust, and that would never betray me. And yet they did. But the problem is not just a matter of never being able to trust her again. The problem is I'll never trust anyone again. I guess sometimes we decide the devil we know is better than the devil we don't. Very good point, Reboot! Some people don't understand that, though, and that's why they come off with certain things in their own posts.
JustBreathe Posted November 5, 2007 Posted November 5, 2007 I think it's normal. I think you're right that you don't trust him and that's normal. I don't trust my H anymore. He hurt you an awful lot, you resent it to this day, and sometimes you'd like to beat the crap out of him for it so maybe that's the violence in your dream. It's alot safer to do it in your dreams than for real! I also had these dreams. I remember one very vividly because it still sticks in my mind. I was walking up to my house and there was this trampy woman in a skimpy top and miniskirt sitting on my front stoop. I stopped in my tracks, looked at her and said "Are you STILL here!!" She just got up slowly, tossed her head like she didn't care and walked slowly away. As she was passing me she said "I'll be back." I think she was symbolic of my feelings of distrust and resentment that would come and go. I also had violent dreams of kicking my H"s arse. Sometimes dreams are a gift to yourself.
herenow Posted November 6, 2007 Posted November 6, 2007 I used to have the infidelity dreams, but I haven't had one in a while. I found it helpful to tell my H about the dream as soon as possible. He was never defensive and totally understood why I would have a dream like that. I think talking about it and his understanding helped me deal with those very disturbing dreams. I think you have to share this with your H. I'm sure you are expecting complete honesty from him, so you need to be honest with him about what is on and in your mind.
whichwayisup Posted November 6, 2007 Posted November 6, 2007 Definately tell your husband about the dreams and let him ease your mind. Dreams are sometimes just that - Dreams. It's when you're awake and 'seeing' things all the red flags is when you worry. Those dreams are your fears coming out. Sorry that you're having them though and I hope they go away soon! Hmmm, maybe start watching funny stuff on TV just before you go to bed, could spin the dreams into something positive or fun.
herenow Posted November 6, 2007 Posted November 6, 2007 When I was at that stage, I would add a little prayer before going to sleep to have fun dreams. The kind that leave you lying awake in the morning wanting more. I think it eased my mind a bit and helped my sub conscience be more positive. Some may say it's silly, but I'm very spiritual and it worked for me.
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