Why I freak out so much about my marriage

[Woggle]

I was at therapy tonight and I think I might have figured why I freak out about my marriage. My whole life I have had to be hyper vigilant with certain women in my life because otherwise I would have survived. No matter how much my mothertried to break me she couldn't and that I was determined to fight back. With my ex I was a doormat but when she crossed that line and cheated I refused to a doormat. After my divorce I was so low and so beaten down that in order to get my self respect and self esteem back I had to become the misogynist jerk I became. It gave me my confidence back and probably kept me from offing myself. The only problem is that now that I have my self esteem back I can't seem to turn off the negative aspects of that mentality. When I see another man going through the same drama I did or I deal with something that reminds me of it it provokes a subconcious reaction in me and I am in defense mode with all women. Mentally I almost feel like a cornered animal that needs to fight with everything I have in order not to end up a doormat again. I am really going to try and work in overcoming this while still retaining my self respect.

[Ariadne]

Look,

 

This is all bs. There's no such thing as a cornered animal, and confidence back and all that therapist crap.

 

All you need is a partner that you can relate with in all levels, and it seems like you have found one.

 

Some people have awful marriages and then end up finding the perfect partner and it all works out.

 

The key is finding the right partner.

 

I wouldn't even go to that therapist anymore, it's stupid.

 

Ariadne

[Krytie TV]

Look,

 

This is all bs. There's no such thing as a cornered animal, and confidence back and all that therapist crap.

All you need is a partner that you can relate with in all levels, and it seems like you have found one.

Some people have awful marriages and then end up finding the perfect partner and it all works out.

The key is finding the right partner.

I wouldn't even go to that therapist anymore, it's stupid.

Ariadne

 

Spoken like someone truly oblivious to human insight and cognitive/emotional processes.

 

That's good insight Woggle. Glad you're coming to some realizations.

[Mz. Pixie]

I was at therapy tonight and I think I might have figured why I freak out about my marriage. My whole life I have had to be hyper vigilant with certain women in my life because otherwise I would have survived. No matter how much my mothertried to break me she couldn't and that I was determined to fight back. With my ex I was a doormat but when she crossed that line and cheated I refused to a doormat. After my divorce I was so low and so beaten down that in order to get my self respect and self esteem back I had to become the misogynist jerk I became. It gave me my confidence back and probably kept me from offing myself. The only problem is that now that I have my self esteem back I can't seem to turn off the negative aspects of that mentality. When I see another man going through the same drama I did or I deal with something that reminds me of it it provokes a subconcious reaction in me and I am in defense mode with all women. Mentally I almost feel like a cornered animal that needs to fight with everything I have in order not to end up a doormat again. I am really going to try and work in overcoming this while still retaining my self respect.

 

Great work here Woggle. When you hear someone going through what you went through and it makes you feel like that again, that's a trigger. You need to recognize what your triggers are so when you have one you can say "Oh, it's just a trigger" and ride through it without having any type of bad behavior.

 

I know what you're going through because of my abusive past. It's a trigger for me to see a show where a husband has molested his stepchildren and the mother is in denial about it and I have several more triggers. So, I actually try to avoid those kinds of programs, etc to avoid the triggers.

 

The therapist can help you react in a healthy positive manner to triggers so that you're not lashing out all all women kind.

 

Also, you're terrified. It may be hard to admit, but you are. You're scared your wife is going to turn out like your ex wife. You're vulnerable to your wife because you love her and you've let her get to another level within your heart that you had closed off!

 

I'm that way with my H, so I know what you're dealing with. The way I love him, it's almost like he has power over me. What I mean by that is that he has the power to hurt me. And it's been a very very long time since I've given anyone the power to hurt me. I had to shut a part of myself down to deal with my mother and her antics or I wouldn't have lived. I survived but I still have a problem completely opening up to him.

 

Keep working with the therapists Woggle, I think you're getting somewhere!

[JackJack]

I think you're trying to break out of that "misogynist" mold Woggle, and that is good. I think its just scary for you to come out from behind that wall. I think you truly deep down want out of that hard armour you have built. It will happen I'm sure. Keep thinking poisitvely.

[whichwayisup]

Woggle, once you realize how much control you can have over your own feelings and bad thoughts, you'll be able to fight them off, not give into them. The therapist should be teaching you coping techniques on changing your thought process.

 

Everyone has triggers, things that push them backwards but the key is, not letting those triggers turn into bombs.

 

I have faith in you and when you're ready to really work on you, let go and focus on what's infront of you, things WILL be easier.

[michaelk]

It's good to hear that you're gaining some insights into yourself. It's so much better to live an examined life rather than blindly reacting to everything around you. With understanding comes the ability to change and improve!

 

Best Wishes,

 

MK