Can we be friends?

[Precious K]

I don't know why exs seem to be interested in being friends after the break up. This is stupid in a way, why do they want friendship? Or even fwb? I mean they had the whole deal before, but now they want to be "friends" like if nothing happened. As in la di da nothing is wrong, screw you with your feelings they want to be friends and they don't care about how you feel. Plus the whole fwb is just sex with someone your comfortable with but no relationship stringed along... What are the exs thinking??

[Lyssa]

I don't know what they are thinking but when my ex and I decided to be friends (he decided he wanted to be friends), we keep it as friends. No FWB sh*t going on. It'd be too much for me and I know I wouldn't be able to handle it. As for my ex, I think he wanted to be friends because he felt guilty for breaking it off with me - that's what most people here said. At the same time, we were very close and shared so many ups and downs together so it was hard to not be friends at all.

[funkybassplayer]

I think being friends can b fine, if enough time has passed, as they were also our frineds as well as partners. Depends on how you feel, but a good amout of time has to pass b4 you can even think about this.

[Darkzen]

You can only be friends if neither of you, did anything to hurt the other person IMHO. Such as breaking trust, lack of respect, doing anything with the intention of causing pain, etc...

 

My ex wanted to be friends after we broke up, but she did me dirty over the entire relationship, especially at the end. I don't care how much time passes, I can never look at her in a positive light ever again. Simply because she knew what she was doing and decided to do it anyways, regardless of who it hurt. She made a conscious decision. Mistakes to me, are when you don't know any better. I can forgive mistakes, not deliberate decisions.

[funkybassplayer]

everyone makes mistake, even if they have cheated, there is a reason why they did, and at some degree they were not happy in the relationship, and /or themselves otherwise they would not have cheated. but of course it is up to the individual to forgive or not, but in general, if you let go of bitterness, this will help you to move on with you r own life. Not being able to forgive is only holding that person in your head, and what they did, but forgivness is about letting go. Once you can truly forgive you let go.

[LoisLane]

I have no problem being friends with my ex-boyfriends as long as they didn't hurt me big time when we were dating. Same goes for me. I wouldn't be their friends if I had hurt them in the past. It wouldn't be fair for them or for me. JMO.

[Darkzen]

everyone makes mistake, even if they have cheated, there is a reason why they did, and at some degree they were not happy in the relationship, and /or themselves otherwise they would not have cheated. but of course it is up to the individual to forgive or not, but in general, if you let go of bitterness, this will help you to move on with you r own life. Not being able to forgive is only holding that person in your head, and what they did, but forgivness is about letting go. Once you can truly forgive you let go.

 

I understand your reasoning here, but I have to disagree. Forgiving someone is merely changing how you view them. Out of sight, out of mind. You can choose not to forgive someone and also not hold the person in your head. All it means is that when you do encounter/think about them, you'll see them in a negative light. Excuses don't make things acceptable IMHO.

 

Why in the world would you want to be friends with anyone who betrayed your trust? Or did any other manner of hurtful deed.

[funkybassplayer]

I didnt say about being freinds, that is the choice of the person, but being able to forgive will help let go of the anger. At some point for that person to cheat on us, their must have been something that they were not happy with in the relationship, otherwise they would not have done it. Im talking at a deeper level here, and not surface, and looking at it in a spirtual way rather than a black and white way. i find it works for me. All anger, guilt pain that we keep hold of, it all just mounts up. The more negitive feelings we can let go of, the more we will be able to love ourselves, and others. this is about us, the more we can forgive the more we can heal, and again heal in life, and not just from the ex.

[Darkzen]

I didnt say about being freinds, that is the choice of the person, but being able to forgive will help let go of the anger. At some point for that person to cheat on us, their must have been something that they were not happy with in the relationship, otherwise they would not have done it. Im talking at a deeper level here, and not surface, and looking at it in a spirtual way rather than a black and white way. i find it works for me. All anger, guilt pain that we keep hold of, it all just mounts up. The more negitive feelings we can let go of, the more we will be able to love ourselves, and others. this is about us, the more we can forgive the more we can heal, and again heal in life, and not just from the ex.

 

You're free to your outlook, but I don't buy that. I could reason that my ex cheated on me because of her childhood relationship with her father. We all have choices, excuses are just excuses. I had a hard life, that doesn't give me the right to do whatever the hell I feel like doing. I treat people with respect, until they prove to me that they don't deserve it. I don't cheat because I believe it's wrong. I don't make excuses to make cheating ok, because my mother used to choose her men over me.

 

We all know what's right and wrong, we just have to put ourselves in the proper perspective. How would I feel if someone cheated on me? How would I feel if someone lied to me? How would I feel if someone screwed me over? For example, I got revenge on my ex... putting myself in her shoes, I'd feel that my actions (revenge) was justified. Although, I believe that if you can't do the time, don't do the crime. If I'd have done what she did to me to her, I'd be expecting the revenge. I'd be shocked if it didn't come. If you **** with people, you better expect what you got coming to you. Once there is reckoning, the anger fades and I can move on without and doubt or questioning.

 

I won't sit around and hope that some magical force, makes them pay for their transgressions. Or some dude on a cloud will send them to a place for eternal suffering. I'll do it myself, TYVM.

[funkybassplayer]

whos talking about god and cloud nine? and taking revenge? waiting for someone to take revenge? thats what your saying. Im sure people who do this pay everyday for what they do in their own mind. as i said, its wrong to cheat on some one but there was a reason for them doing it, otherwise it would not have happened. It does not exuse what they did, but they had a reason. I think im seeing it from a different perspective, and one that is hard to understand, and as i said im talking about us and our healing. im in a good place, i hold no anger to any of my ex's, but i feel love for them as people, and im happy for that.Ask Why did your ex cheat on you? because shes a cruel bitch because she had no respect, or because she was unhappy in the relationship, and if that is the case, why was she? Please dont see my veiw as an attack, but its my view. Spiritual way is not about god, but its about finding your centre, of where you are in control of yourself and your own emotions. Look at a martial artist. They lead this way of thinking, and they are cool, in control and relaxed. it doesnt mean that its a guy on cloud 9. energy is all around us, look at the world you live in. Tap into it, and its alot bigger than alot of whats going on in our lives. No one is saying that you are wrong, you handle it the way you seem fit.

[Darkzen]

whos talking about god and cloud nine? and taking revenge? waiting for someone to take revenge? thats what your saying. Im sure people who do this pay everyday for what they do in their own mind. as i said, its wrong to cheat on some one but there was a reason for them doing it, otherwise it would not have happened. It does not exuse what they did, but they had a reason. I think im seeing it from a different perspective, and one that is hard to understand, and as i said im talking about us and our healing. im in a good place, i hold no anger to any of my ex's, but i feel love for them as people, and im happy for that.Ask Why did your ex cheat on you? because shes a cruel bitch because she had no respect, or because she was unhappy in the relationship, and if that is the case, why was she? Please dont see my veiw as an attack, but its my view. Spiritual way is not about god, but its about finding your centre, of where you are in control of yourself and your own emotions. Look at a martial artist. They lead this way of thinking, and they are cool, in control and relaxed. it doesnt mean that its a guy on cloud 9. energy is all around us, look at the world you live in. Tap into it, and its alot bigger than alot of whats going on in our lives. No one is saying that you are wrong, you handle it the way you seem fit.

 

I was speaking hypothetically for the most part. I believe my ex cheated on me because she was a cruel bitch, not because she was unhappy in the relationship. Like I said, I could break it down and come up with a theory on the why, but to what end? She made a decision and should deal with the consequences. I've studied martial arts since I was 15 (so will be 16 years of practice in a couple months). I'm a very controlled and relaxed person, that doesn't mean that I don't have passion in my beliefs. It just means that I can think things over before deciding. That won't change how I see the world though, merely how I interact with it. I didn't lash-out at my ex, I contemplated everything before I took action. Just as I wouldn't want a friend that has betrayed me. All the control in the world won't change my views.

[funkybassplayer]

I was speaking hypothetically for the most part. I believe my ex cheated on me because she was a cruel bitch, not because she was unhappy in the relationship. Like I said, I could break it down and come up with a theory on the why, but to what end? She made a decision and should deal with the consequences. I've studied martial arts since I was 15 (so will be 16 years of practice in a couple months). I'm a very controlled and relaxed person, that doesn't mean that I don't have passion in my beliefs. It just means that I can think things over before deciding. That won't change how I see the world though, merely how I interact with it. I didn't lash-out at my ex, I contemplated everything before I took action. Just as I wouldn't want a friend that has betrayed me. All the control in the world won't change my views.

 

 

As we both agree at some level if you broke it down you will find out why she did it. but in your eyes, and many others she is a cruel bitch. to what end? well i guess if we knew why people did **** things, we can fix what is in us that sparked that **** thing to happen. No one is saying to be her friend, that is the chioce that you make, but all im saying is that to forgive to me is the way to move forward with a clear and open mind.

[Darkzen]

As we both agree at some level if you broke it down you will find out why she did it. but in your eyes, and many others she is a cruel bitch. to what end? well i guess if we knew why people did **** things, we can fix what is in us that sparked that **** thing to happen. No one is saying to be her friend, that is the chioce that you make, but all im saying is that to forgive to me is the way to move forward with a clear and open mind.

 

I understand what you're saying... I just views things differently. You release that pain through forgiveness/acceptance... I release it by getting revenge. I can't walk away from a situation, it'll leave me full of doubt and questions. Nor will I feel guilt, if I feel that I'm justified.

 

I guess it comes down to patience. I understand why people do what they do, I just don't have the patience to be accepting of BS any more. I had a hard life, like pretty much everyone did... if I can do the right thing and not hide behind excuses... why shouldn't everyone else?

[funkybassplayer]

I understand what you're saying... I just views things differently. You release that pain through forgiveness/acceptance... I release it by getting revenge. I can't walk away from a situation, it'll leave me full of doubt and questions. Nor will I feel guilt, if I feel that I'm justified.

 

I guess it comes down to patience. I understand why people do what they do, I just don't have the patience to be accepting of BS any more. I had a hard life, like pretty much everyone did... if I can do the right thing and not hide behind excuses... why shouldn't everyone else?

 

the right thing is to forgive. And if you cant forgive, leave it be and walk away. ( thats what i think) revenge will cause more suffering, and at some point that guilt will come back.

[Precious K]

I seethe point where if your ex didn't do much wrong in the relationship you can be friends. Fine no big deal but are your ex an ex for a reason. But my ex F'ed up royally. So I can't see him as a friend. I mean there was a relationship intimate moments, more than friendship. So its like down grading. My ex wants the friendship which I see it as lame in a way.

 

I don't think you can ever forgive someone for cheating, you may say you have but you really haven't. Cheating is huge.

[Precious K]

I understand what you're saying... I just views things differently. You release that pain through forgiveness/acceptance... I release it by getting revenge. I can't walk away from a situation, it'll leave me full of doubt and questions. Nor will I feel guilt, if I feel that I'm justified.

 

I guess it comes down to patience. I understand why people do what they do, I just don't have the patience to be accepting of BS any more. I had a hard life, like pretty much everyone did... if I can do the right thing and not hide behind excuses... why shouldn't everyone else?

 

You're completely right!

[funkybassplayer]

I seethe point where if your ex didn't do much wrong in the relationship you can be friends. Fine no big deal but are your ex an ex for a reason. But my ex F'ed up royally. So I can't see him as a friend. I mean there was a relationship intimate moments, more than friendship. So its like down grading. My ex wants the friendship which I see it as lame in a way.

 

I don't think you can ever forgive someone for cheating, you may say you have but you really haven't. Cheating is huge.

 

An ex will cheat cos they are not happy in the relationship. Its a crap thing to do, but thats why they do it. You forgive to let go of the anger, and that will help you move on. But of course, each to their own.

[Darkzen]

An ex will cheat cos they are not happy in the relationship. Its a crap thing to do, but thats why they do it. You forgive to let go of the anger, and that will help you move on. But of course, each to their own.

 

You keep saying "forgive", I think you're referring to acceptance TBPH. Both are similar feelings, the primary difference is that forgiveness allows you to move on in a relationship of some capacity with the person that you forgive. Acceptance becomes a feeling of indifference towards the person. Both allow you to let go of the anger and help you move on, but only one allows you to change how you see someone.

 

If I can't forgive and refuse to accept, what are my options? I need the person to be truly sorry (aka a willingness to try and make things right) for their actions, to forgive them. If they don't show me this, I can't forgive them... I can accept the fact bad things happen or I can try and do something about it.

[funkybassplayer]

You keep saying "forgive", I think you're referring to acceptance TBPH. Both are similar feelings, the primary difference is that forgiveness allows you to move on in a relationship of some capacity with the person that you forgive. Acceptance becomes a feeling of indifference towards the person. Both allow you to let go of the anger and help you move on, but only one allows you to change how you see someone.

 

If I can't forgive and refuse to accept, what are my options? I need the person to be truly sorry (aka a willingness to try and make things right) for their actions, to forgive them. If they don't show me this, I can't forgive them... I can accept the fact bad things happen or I can try and do something about it.

 

So what will you do about it? forgive you and her, b/c people dont do things like that without being in a deep dark place in their mind. You can forgive. I forgave my self for anything i did wrong, and i forgive her, for anything she did wrong. Its not acceptance, it is forgivenss. If i was angry then i couldnt move on, and id be bitter. But forgiving us both for the mistakes we both made, as everyone does in a relationship is letting go of badness in me, and then im able to move forward. It took 3 months (6 since the breakup) for me to feel like this, but now i do, my doors are once again opening. I have been for 4 months studying spiritual phycology and doing a councelling course, and for me, and what i have learnd, letting go of the badness is the way to go. Not just with the ex, but everyone. Being in control of my own emotions, and not letting other people influence mine is for me the way i feel makes me comfertable inside. Its not turning the other cheek, but walking away, and moving on rather than finding away to get revenge.

[Darkzen]

So what will you do about it? forgive you and her, b/c people dont do things like that without being in a deep dark place in their mind. You can forgive. I forgave my self for anything i did wrong, and i forgive her, for anything she did wrong. Its not acceptance, it is forgivenss. If i was angry then i couldnt move on, and id be bitter. But forgiving us both for the mistakes we both made, as everyone does in a relationship is letting go of badness in me, and then im able to move forward. It took 3 months (6 since the breakup) for me to feel like this, but now i do, my doors are once again opening. I have been for 4 months studying spiritual phycology and doing a councelling course, and for me, and what i have learnd, letting go of the badness is the way to go. Not just with the ex, but everyone. Being in control of my own emotions, and not letting other people influence mine is for me the way i feel makes me comfertable inside. Its not turning the other cheek, but walking away, and moving on rather than finding away to get revenge.

 

I'm no longer angry. I got my pay back and it gave me a feeling of peace. Had I walked away, after being treated the way I was, I'd always have doubt or question it. I reflect back on everything in my life, it gives me conviction in my future actions. It's the basis of my ideals, it's how I came to my moral compass.

 

I don't require forgiveness to move on with my life, I require a sense of balance. To have all debts owed and all debts that I owe, paid in full. A feeling of fairness. I don't think that is too much to ask from people. I'm also not referring to equality, just fair treatment.

[funkybassplayer]

I'm no longer angry. I got my pay back and it gave me a feeling of peace. Had I walked away, after being treated the way I was, I'd always have doubt or question it. I reflect back on everything in my life, it gives me conviction in my future actions. It's the basis of my ideals, it's how I came to my moral compass.

 

I don't require forgiveness to move on with my life, I require a sense of balance. To have all debts owed and all debts that I owe, paid in full. A feeling of fairness. I don't think that is too much to ask from people. I'm also not referring to equality, just fair treatment.

 

 

We all want fair treatment, and getting in the last word by way of payback, is for me not needed, cos in all my relationships, iv had great times, and bad times, and i have loved and still love all my ex's. Im sure my next relationship wont be perfect, but i have learnt much over the years, and hoping to use what i have leant for a better, happy life, in all relationships, not just the romantic ones. Everyone has to do whats right for them, and for me, its to forgive, and for you its to take revenge, but at the end of the day, if i can find that inner peace inside me, ans not by hurting someone else, then i will, b/c i dont wish anyone any harm, we all mess up.

[Darkzen]

We all want fair treatment, and getting in the last word by way of payback, is for me not needed, cos in all my relationships, iv had great times, and bad times, and i have loved and still love all my ex's. Im sure my next relationship wont be perfect, but i have learnt much over the years, and hoping to use what i have leant for a better, happy life, in all relationships, not just the romantic ones. Everyone has to do whats right for them, and for me, its to forgive, and for you its to take revenge, but at the end of the day, if i can find that inner peace inside me, ans not by hurting someone else, then i will, b/c i dont wish anyone any harm, we all mess up.

 

We only mess up because we can get away with it or have nothing to lose. If I mess up, I man up and take responsibility for my mistake. To do otherwise is unacceptable to my outlook. This attitude of "it happens" is pretty bad as well... things happen because we let them happen.

 

I don't wish to cause anyone harm (physically or emotionally), but sometimes it's necessary. Whether you punish yourself or you punish others, punishment is necessary when people refuse or are unable to take responsibility.

[funkybassplayer]

causeing harm is never the answer. Mistakes happen, relationships end, relatioships start.

[Darkzen]

causeing harm is never the answer. Mistakes happen, relationships end, relatioships start.

 

I'll have to disagree. The concept is one that happens every day in the world. It's like saying "people die, mistakes happen, lives end and lives are created". We cannot turn back time, but we can control our destiny to a degree. Life isn't completely out of our hands, we make choices every day that shape how our life unfolds. Hurting others shouldn't have to happen, but when does the optimism end and the realism begin?

 

Everything in life has a consequence, it's what teaches us good from bad. Touch a hot stove and you get burned. Steal and you go to jail. Don't go to work and you get fired. People learn these rules and how to manipulate the system. When you understand how something works, you can manipulate it. So now you wear an oven mitt when touching the stove. Steal in a way to prevent getting caught. Abuse sick time and vacation time, when you don't want to go to work.

 

In regards to a relationship, most people take the "it happens" approach. This means that there's no real consequence for treating someone like poop (except in the false concept that people will regret their actions or feel guilty). Taking the "high road", is what we do to feel better about ourselves (to help us believe that we're better in some way)... it has no effect on those that hurt us. Things happen because we leave ourselves vulnerable to others. That doesn't absolve them of taking advantage of us though. These people take advantage of others because they learned how to manipulate the system. No one that they've encountered, has ever had the power or the mind-set, to make them suffer for their actions. Why should they stop?

 

I used to believe that everyone is good at heart, but not any more. I don't have the patience to continually be screwed over, simply because I believe everyone has an excuse for doing bad things. Instead, I'll do whatever is within my power to fix the problem... not accept the fact that problems exist. Nor will I live my life in a bubble, protected from everything to the point that I cannot live life. I have as much right to live life as anyone else, if that happens to mean that I fight fire with fire, so be it.

[funkybassplayer]

The thing is to avoid the fire, and the more you heal and give then the more you u will be able to avoid women with such issues, as you will see the issues a mile off. This how its working for me anyway. the more i heal, the more i see what i dont want.