I'm not alone...

[SecretLove]

I'm new to this forum and very glad to know there are others like me. I just found out he is married. We've been swimming partners for about 2 months before we started dating. For certain medical reasons, he decided we should take a break for 6 mos. But we're back together in about a month, the same time as Ramadan (he is muslim). So for the two months we had not really done much as couple. He can't even swim with me during Ramadan. All this time he never brought up his wife or his family, and I didn't bother to ask just assuming he is single. Occasionally I would ask him to sleep over at my place, but he usually say he has to go home cause he has to wake up early the next day. One time I suggested that either he sleep over at my place or I can sleep over at his. He just told me "we'll discuss that later". The next day he called and asked me how do I assumed he is single. Obviously he is not now that he asked such questions. My heart was so broken. I can't stopped thinking about it everyday. I thought I've found someone who I really enjoyed being around, except that he is much older than I am. And then now he is married too.

 

Well, it takes him a while to confess to me. He is letting me make the decision whether to stay with him or not. I think I wanted to stay with him for now. We do discuss the matter little here and there, but I just don't have to courage right now to openly asked him questions about his wife. I am telling myself I must be crazy for falling for a man who is much older than me and also married. I can also say that it is not like I have no other choices. I frequently have other men trying to ask me out. I don't know why, I just don't care for these younger, professional males. I know, I know , I'm going to get hurt. But it's just difficult to let go.

 

I did ask him what he wants from me. He wants my love and care. And I told me that he already has someone at home who loves and cares about him. Why does he want that from me. I have never asked about his relationship with his W. But from previous conversation, he told me their relationship was cold.

 

Thank you for listening. I just want to hearing from others who were in similar situation, being the other women. I have never thought I would be the OW. It just difficult for me to think that I can't get the man that I wanted. How am I going to deal with it?

[White Flower]

The next day he called and asked me how do I assumed he is single.

 

I did ask him what he wants from me. He wants my love and care. And I told me that he already has someone at home who loves and cares about him. Why does he want that from me. I have never asked about his relationship with his W. But from previous conversation, he told me their relationship was cold.

 

Thank you for listening. I just want to hearing from others who were in similar situation, being the other women. I have never thought I would be the OW. It just difficult for me to think that I can't get the man that I wanted. How am I going to deal with it?

 

Well, sweetie, welcome to LS.

 

It is so sad that you were tricked into this affair. Most of us at LS knew what we were getting into and did it anyway. But he fooled you and now your heart is stuck. Are you in love?

 

If you have no problems getting a date, I would strongly suggest getting out now. Muslim men avoid divorce at all costs. This will only break your heart.

 

Just read our threads about the extreme highs and lows. The lows can almost kill ya.

 

Good luck, hon.

[hollaxatholly]

If you have no problems getting a date, I would strongly suggest getting out now. Muslim men avoid divorce at all costs. This will only break your heart.

 

 

Do muslim men get divorced though? Do you think it's possible? and Why don't they? Just curious...because the MM I'm sort of involved with is muslim...and I don't know. If I should give up all hope that he or his W would decide to divorce just because they are muslim. They went for a divorce once but didn't go through with it at the time. Not saying that they ever will, but it was her idea and then she changed her mind and didn't want to go through with it....just wondering what your thoughts are on it...

[SecretLove]

I'm curious too about the Muslim men. What does LS mean? If you already know that the man is married, are you expecting that he would leave his W for you? In my case, I kind of suspected that he is married when I decided to go out with him. I did not expect or even thought about him leaving his wife for me. How do you deal with the fact that he can't be with you during holidays/vacation, or not able to return your calls?

[ICallsEmAsISeesEm]

Secret, I'm honestly appalled that you would even consider allowing this man to disrespect you the way he has. He blatantly LIED about his marital status. Not telling you he was married is lying, regardless of how you try to sugarcoat it.

 

So for two months, he's LIED to your face. Day after day. Every time he saw you, he LIED and didn't tell you he was married. Every time you wanted to sleep over his place or have him over yours, he LIED to you.

 

Two solid months of LIES. He KNEW you'd be hurt and disappointed when you found out he was married - and he DID IT anyway. Day after day after day.

 

This is someone who had so little regard for you that he took what he wanted and has now left YOU to pick up the pieces.

 

Why would you give such a scumbag the time of day after this utter disrespect? Take off the rose-colored glasses. He's a con man, a liar, a cheater, and a selfish PIG who was looking out only for himself.

 

I ask again - why would you even consider lowering yourself by continuing ANYTHING with this dirtbag?

 

The message you're sending him - if you don't tell him to go to hell and you continue being his little side piece - is that you're such a FLOOR MAT you'll allow someone to deceive you for two solid months and STILL come back for more. That's what you're telling him. That you think so little of yourself that you're willing to allow this disgusting individual to stay in your life.

 

Let me ask you something. If you took your car to a mechanic and he blatantly lied to you and ripped you off by making you pay much more than you had to, would you KEEP going back to him? And each time you DID go back to the mechanic, what message would you be sending him? You know he'd be thinking, "boy, this one's a real moron. An EASY MARK. She KNOWS I ripped her off and she keeps coming back for more. What a complete loser." Yup, that's what you're telling this creep.

 

Aim higher Secret. HIGHER, ok?

[OWoman]

But we're back together in about a month, the same time as Ramadan (he is muslim). So for the two months we had not really done much as couple. He can't even swim with me during Ramadan.

 

This might be off-topic, but it sounds like someone is BSing here.

 

Ramadan has come and gone - 13 September to 13 October, on the Western calendar this year. The next Eid (20 December) is the Eid at the end of hajj (Eid-ul-Adha), not the Eid at the end of Ramadan (Eid-ul-Fitr).

 

Nor am I sure where the notion arises that he can't swim with you during Ramadan. Ramadan is a period of sprituality and abstinence between sunrise and sunset, so "nil per mouth" applies during daylight hours, as well as dressing modestly, and praying frequently, behaving at one's very best. Observant Muslim men do not swim with women regardless of whether it's Ramadan or not - it's considered haram (forbidden). And if he's not observant, why is it an issue?

 

Some others have raised the matter of Muslim men "avoiding divorce" - nothing could be further from the truth! Islamic divorce requires merely that the man pronounce three times Talaq, talaq, talaq (I divorce you, I divorce you, I divorce you) to his wife, for the divorce to be finalised. The wife has no say over divorce - she can't institute it, nor contest it. But if there has been no sex for three months, the marriage is deemed to have been dissolved, so that is the way some Muslim women manage to get out of unhappy marriages with their husbands. (A civil divorce, if there was a civil marriage, follows normal process.)

 

Islam allows a man to marry (simultaneously) up to four wives at any time, provided that the existing wives agree to the new marriage and provided that the man can ensure that he can provide for the new wife without compromising his provision for the existing wives. Depending on the laws of the country, some of these marriages may not be recognised as legal. Many countries allow only a single civil marriage, though some recognise other simultaneous marriages by Muslim rites, and accord the wives the protection and recognition entailed in that.

[LucreziaBorgia]

The next day he called and asked me how do I assumed he is single.

 

I can't believe he said this to you. I guess if he was dating you, and spending time with you, you obviously would be silly to assume he was single, right? I can't believe he had the nerve to say that.

 

He is actually making this your problem for making assumptions, and not his problem for cheating on his wife, and hooking you into an affair by hiding his marital status.

 

Its almost as if he is saying "hey, I'm married - its not my fault you didn't figure that out". What a cocksmoker!

[Freedom Now]

I, too, was lied to about my MM's marital status. In hindsight, looking back at the choices I made after being told, I wish I had walked away and never looked back.

 

LEAVE now.

 

And never look back.

 

The pain now is nothing compared to the pain you will feel later.

 

Trust me.

 

FN

[frannie]

The next day he called and asked me how do I assumed he is single.

 

wow. I think we're all reacting to this statement/question!

 

He LIED! And then he twisted it round to make it look like it was you who made a mistake, an error, an assumption..?? As others have said, yes, you would assume as anyone would that someone is single if they're acting like they're single.

 

Ugh. I hope you manage to dump him soon. Not only has he lied to you, he's actually tried to make out it was your fault!

[White Flower]

I'm curious too about the Muslim men. What does LS mean? If you already know that the man is married, are you expecting that he would leave his W for you? In my case, I kind of suspected that he is married when I decided to go out with him. I did not expect or even thought about him leaving his wife for me. How do you deal with the fact that he can't be with you during holidays/vacation, or not able to return your calls?

Hi Secret,

LS means LoveShack. Holidays and vacations are excruciating. Get out now while it's early. You deserve someone who will never lie to you.

I don't know what country you live in, but in the states it is quite easy for anyone to get a divorce. Muslim women can rarely divorce in their own country, so if they are lucky enough to come to the US where they have rights and choices, they usually take advantage of it. They divorce in droves here. It can be said that the US causes divorce, but the real issue is that we give freedom to anyone who seeks it.

I'll answer other questions while quoting someone else on this thread.

[White Flower]

There are no two exact Muslims, actually. IOW, a muslim from Iran is very different from a Muslim from Morocco or Egypt. They debate each other on all kinds of issues. They think the Muslims from their country are the true and correct Muslims. I recently observed an argument that Afghanis cannot sing or smoke during Ramadan, but the Iranians could. It was such a heated debate!

 

Yes, they can divorce easily if they so desire; however, in MOST Muslim cultures there is a strong social pressure for them not to. The women serve these men from sun up to sun down. The men have all the control, so why would they ever want to divorce? They often do not believe that a step mother can be a good mother to their children. And in the US, which I now know the OP resides in, the Muslim man will not automatically get the children in a divorce like he would in his own country. If he loves his kids, he won't divorce the W unless he has modernized and it doesn't sound like he has.

Secret, this is a cake-eater. He wants to have his cake (W) and eat it too (you). You will be the messy, cut up one. Get out now, sweetie.

[whichwayisup]

I think I wanted to stay with him for now

 

Even though now you KNOW he's married and has children, you want to be with him? Seems like you have some self esteem issues to sort out. I guess you feel you don't deserve better and more? This guy can NEVER give you all that you want as he has a WIFE already.

[Freedom Now]

Unfortunately, WWIU, everyone has to learn in their own ways....

 

But, at least we tried...

[Lyssa]

There are no two exact Muslims, actually. IOW, a muslim from Iran is very different from a Muslim from Morocco or Egypt. They debate each other on all kinds of issues. They think the Muslims from their country are the true and correct Muslims. I recently observed an argument that Afghanis cannot sing or smoke during Ramadan, but the Iranians could. It was such a heated debate!

 

That is quite true. All I know is that Muslim people in Iran are extremist. Not all but they are not as liberal as other Muslims in other countries. Muslims in Malaysia are much more liberal. Men in my country are allowed to divorce if things are not going well in their marriage. Smoking during Ramadhan is 'makhruh'. You lose the penalty or so to speak.

 

Yes, they can divorce easily if they so desire; however, in MOST Muslim cultures there is a strong social pressure for them not to. The women serve these men from sun up to sun down. The men have all the control, so why would they ever want to divorce? They often do not believe that a step mother can be a good mother to their children. And in the US, which I now know the OP resides in, the Muslim man will not automatically get the children in a divorce like he would in his own country. If he loves his kids, he won't divorce the W unless he has modernized and it doesn't sound like he has.

Secret, this is a cake-eater. He wants to have his cake (W) and eat it too (you). You will be the messy, cut up one. Get out now, sweetie.

 

Again I think that happens only in Muslim countries in the middle east. Whatever it is, I just think OP's MM is twisted. I'd leave... NOW if I were you.

[White Flower]

That is quite true. All I know is that Muslim people in Iran are extremist. Not all but they are not as liberal as other Muslims in other countries. Muslims in Malaysia are much more liberal. Men in my country are allowed to divorce if things are not going well in their marriage. Smoking during Ramadhan is 'makhruh'. You lose the penalty or so to speak.

 

 

 

Again I think that happens only in Muslim countries in the middle east. Whatever it is, I just think OP's MM is twisted. I'd leave... NOW if I were you.

Are you from Malaysia? And is that your pic?

[Lyssa]

Are you from Malaysia? And is that your pic?

 

Yes, I am from Malaysia. My pic, yes - I'm off inter-racial marriage. Not a lot of people would believe me if I told I'm Malaysian.

[White Flower]

Yes, I am from Malaysia. My pic, yes - I'm off inter-racial marriage. Not a lot of people would believe me if I told I'm Malaysian.

 

You look like Heather Locklear with dark hair; very beautiful. Is English required as a second language in Malaysia? Your writing is very good:laugh:

[Lyssa]

You look like Heather Locklear with dark hair; very beautiful. Is English required as a second language in Malaysia? Your writing is very good:laugh:

 

Thank you, WF. I have God and my parents (both are good looking people!) to thank for!!

 

English is our second language but it has always been my first language in my family because my parents didn't want my brothers or I to be left out. I rarely speak Malay but I never forget it or my roots.

[SecretLove]

Thank you for all your advise. You know, I never see myself have issue with self-esteem. I know exactly what I look like (a doormat) by letting him lied to me and disrespect me. I know it, it just that it is difficult to accept. The truth is I never let any men do that do me. It's just him that I'm willing to let him do that to me. Sometimes I wonder if it is the competitiveness in me that I want to be better than his W. But I'll never know. I just need some time.

 

He is leaving this weekend on a business trip (China & Tibet) for 2 weeks. BTW, he is going on his own, and he did ask me to go with him. I am going to use the two to put myself together. I know I'll be better off without him. It's just hard to accept.

 

I was just thinking today that I was happier with him 2 months ago than I was now. And the thought that he always go back home to his wife sleeping next to her (and not me) hurts.

 

I have never felt the way I am with him when I was with my previous partners. I do know I deserve better, and I do tell him that. I guess if I don't quit with him, I'll never find better.

 

To clarify the Ramadan. We started the R in mid August, took a break 2 weeks after into the R. Then the break dissolved on the first day of Ramadan, which is Sep 12. We are not actively seeing each other during Ramadan. He did come over during Ramadan. We didn't have sex, we're just cuddled, which is still forbidden during Ramadan. BTW, his is Egyptian.

 

Thank you so much for all your advise. I do need that slap in the head to get my thoughts straight.

[hollaxatholly]

To clarify the Ramadan. We started the R in mid August, took a break 2 weeks after into the R. Then the break dissolved on the first day of Ramadan, which is Sep 12. We are not actively seeing each other during Ramadan. He did come over during Ramadan. We didn't have sex, we're just cuddled, which is still forbidden during Ramadan. BTW, his is Egyptian.

 

Thank you so much for all your advise. I do need that slap in the head to get my thoughts straight.

 

 

D--n these egyptians! lol my MM is from egypt also...it makes it alot more confusing for me because I don't know how their culture is and marriage is for them...and then with the different religion...it makes it hard to know what they would do...not that it would be easy if it was an american guy..but atleast i know how things are here. They have different beliefs and ways of doing things and views of whats right and wrong....even though they are here in the U.S....

[White Flower]

D--n these egyptians! lol my MM is from egypt also...it makes it alot more confusing for me because I don't know how their culture is and marriage is for them...and then with the different religion...it makes it hard to know what they would do...not that it would be easy if it was an american guy..but atleast i know how things are here. They have different beliefs and ways of doing things and views of whats right and wrong....even though they are here in the U.S....

 

Hi H,

It takes years to learn all the intracacies of a bicultural R. If you're up to it, drop the guy and spend all that energy on someone who is going to spend the rest of his life with you.

[hollaxatholly]

Hi H,

It takes years to learn all the intracacies of a bicultural R. If you're up to it, drop the guy and spend all that energy on someone who is going to spend the rest of his life with you.

 

Yeah, thank you