wtfamidoing Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 I am a 42 year old male, married to a beautiful woman for 25 years. I recently ran into an old friend (female, also married 25 years) who I hadn't seen since we had a crush on one another as teens. We talked for awhile and exchanged contact info. I emailed her at work about a month later to tell her it was nice to see her again, and she responded with a "lets be sure to keep in touch." We emailed a few more times over the next month or so, and our messages were typically friendly but short. At one point, I asked about some mutual freinds I'd lost touch with and she suggested I come to her upcoming class reunion to catch up with them in person. I told her "though I'd like to go, I have another commitment." She responded with "That's too bad you can't make it. I was looking forward to seeing you. Let's try to get together sometime." We emailed back and forth a few times, (again, initiate by me), and I mentioned that I was going to be in her area soon. We decided to get together at that time, and she asked if I'd rather go out for a drink or come to her house for dinner (and I'm not sure if her husband would have been there - I'd say there was a 50/50 chance.). I opted for the drink. We were out until around 10pm, had a really great time, and both emphatically agreed we would do it again. The next morning, I got an email from her (the first one she ever initiated) saying "It was great to see you!!" (note the two exclamation marks). A few weeks later I was in town again so we made a plan to do lunch, but she had to cancel at the last minute because she was sick and heading home for bed. Shortly after, I tried to set up another lunch with her, but she said it would work better for her if we could go out for a drink after work instead. About a month later, I was in town again, and we arranged to go out after work again. We spoke on the phone that afternoon and she asked if I'd like to come to her house, or meet somewhere for a drink (I'm certain either her husband or one of her kids would have been there at that time). I opted for going out for a few hours again. During the course of the evening, she said that she'd invited her husband to come along, but he didn't want to come (why is he not the least bit concerned about her going out with another man?). Anyway, we had a really nice time, and we both emphatically agreed we would get together yet again. A few more tidbits to give you the full picture... In general, I remember her as being a very nice and straightforward person. We had been emailing back and forth through all of this, and at some point some minor flirting entered into the picture. I would say we're both attractive, intelligent with similar personalities, sense of humor, etc. Each of the two times we've met, she's said a few negative things about her husband, including "I wish I wouldn't have gotten married so young." I took that to mean that if she had it to do over again, she would not have married him. I'm confused! Does she have a romantic interest in me or no? What's this turning into?
outofdarkness Posted November 1, 2007 Posted November 1, 2007 Do you really need to ask? If you do, IMHO...you already KNOW the answer...You wouldn't even be posting if it wasn't an issue already...ood
Blue Eyed Brain Posted November 1, 2007 Posted November 1, 2007 No one should judge others here. My take on this, she is very interested in you. However, she knows who she is (Mom, wife, etc.) You and half of the world are married a number of years and reflecting back on the woulda shoulda stuff. (Me, included). Do you know her situation? Is she mildly unhappily married or very unhappy? Are you an ego boost or something special? After answering these questions, then ask yourself; is it worth it? You owe it to yourself to be happy, without hurting others, if that is possible. (HINT: When a woman tells you or writes to you that she had "a good time." She is inviting you to give her another invitation to go out. Also, she maybe putting out the "come over the house" as a feeler to see if you want to be with just her or the family. Or, it could be her guilt and her making it your decision. Proceed, but with caution for your head and your heart..... PM if you want.
bestadvisor Posted November 1, 2007 Posted November 1, 2007 Do you hide or not disclose to your wife where you were and whom you were with when you were with her? If the answer is "yes," you are already cheating. If the answer is "no," you could still be having an EA already. You're playing with fire; you or her has no business going out alone for drinks without others being present. You got married at 17? Not judging, just asking.
Bryanp Posted November 1, 2007 Posted November 1, 2007 Just curious but how would you feel if your wife was doing the same thing with another man behind your back?
Author wtfamidoing Posted November 1, 2007 Author Posted November 1, 2007 I was married at 20 (I was ballparking the years). (Don't laugh at this, but) Isn't it possible that she's just a really nice person? Everything points to the fact that she wants more, except for the invite to the house and the "I invited my husband to come along." I'm thinking those are two huge things that sort of negate everything else???
littlekitty Posted November 1, 2007 Posted November 1, 2007 "I wish I wouldn't have gotten married so young." I took that to mean that if she had it to do over again, she would not have married him. I'm sorry but I don't read it that way. I read that at it's face value. That she perhaps feels she married too young? That she wishes she had waited, not necessarily that she married the wrong person. I would also like to know if you wife knows you've been meeting up with this lady?
bestadvisor Posted November 1, 2007 Posted November 1, 2007 I was married at 20 (I was ballparking the years). (Don't laugh at this, but) Isn't it possible that she's just a really nice person? Everything points to the fact that she wants more, except for the invite to the house and the "I invited my husband to come along." I'm thinking those are two huge things that sort of negate everything else??? Do you want her to want you? Do you want to have an affair with her? What do you want?
Author wtfamidoing Posted November 1, 2007 Author Posted November 1, 2007 I enjoy spending time with her and like her as a friend, but am not out looking for an affair.
IamASelfishSOB Posted November 1, 2007 Posted November 1, 2007 I enjoy spending time with her and like her as a friend, but am not out looking for an affair. Neither was I. Tread lightly, my friend. What are you going to do the first time she says, "I can't help myself. I want you really bad."? I caved. Will you?
whichwayisup Posted November 1, 2007 Posted November 1, 2007 I was married at 20 (I was ballparking the years). (Don't laugh at this, but) Isn't it possible that she's just a really nice person? Everything points to the fact that she wants more, except for the invite to the house and the "I invited my husband to come along." I'm thinking those are two huge things that sort of negate everything else??? I enjoy spending time with her and like her as a friend, but am not out looking for an affair. If she was 'just' a friend, then you wouldn't be thinking of stuff like this: I'm confused! Does she have a romantic interest in me or no? What's this turning into It doesn't matter, does it? I mean, you're married. What about your wife? Does she know about this new budding friendship? My guess is no. Know why? Because you know it's the start of an inappropriate friendship. You're starting to 'get something' out of it, whether it be an ego feed, a rush of excitement that another woman is giving you attention. If you want a 'friendship' then invite her and her husband to dinner at your house so all FOUR of you can get to know eachother. Having a one on one lunch, dinner, drinks with her is only leading to trouble. She's already (big lie!) confided in you: " Each of the two times we've met, she's said a few negative things about her husband, including "I wish I wouldn't have gotten married so young." I took that to mean that if she had it to do over again, she would not have married him. so that is the beginning hook "oh my marriage sucks, blah blah blah." Okay, what about your wife??? I am a 42 year old male, married to a beautiful woman for 25 years Are you ready to throw away 25 years of marriage because you're starting to lust after an old flame? Stop and think about what you're doing and what you could lose. Do you want to betray your wife? Does your wife deserve to be cheated upon? Imagine how you'd feel if your wife started befriending an old boyfriend, having dinners/drinks with him, started enjoying spending time with another man. What would you think about that? Anyway, I think deep down you know it's wrong. This woman has been OUT of your life for so many years. What good could she possibly bring into your life now? Men and women who are married shouldn't be renewing friendships with 'old' single or married girlfriend's, especially one on one. The friendship starting is NOT good for your marriage.
whichwayisup Posted November 1, 2007 Posted November 1, 2007 I was married at 20 (I was ballparking the years). (Don't laugh at this, but) Isn't it possible that she's just a really nice person? Everything points to the fact that she wants more, except for the invite to the house and the "I invited my husband to come along." I'm thinking those are two huge things that sort of negate everything else??? Did you invite your wife to come along? If not, WHY? And WHY would you go to another woman's house WITHOUT your wife?
Freedom Now Posted November 1, 2007 Posted November 1, 2007 Yes, to answer your question, cheating IS on the horizon. This is how most affairs start: innocently. IMHO, of course....
LifesontheUp Posted November 1, 2007 Posted November 1, 2007 During the course of the evening, she said that she'd invited her husband to come along, but he didn't want to come (why is he not the least bit concerned about her going out with another man?). You are on your way to an emotional affair. Did your wife know about you meeting this woman? We had been emailing back and forth through all of this, and at some point some minor flirting entered into the picture. I would say we're both attractive, intelligent with similar personalities, sense of humor, etc. Each of the two times we've met, she's said a few negative things about her husband, including "I wish I wouldn't have gotten married so young." I took that to mean that if she had it to do over again, she would not have married him. Does your wife know about your flirtatious email contact? I'm confused! Does she have a romantic interest in me or no? What's this turning into? Why do you wonder if she has a romantic interest in you? Is it because part of you would like that? This doesn't sound good as you are in danger of becoming emotionally attached whether you believe it or not. Emotional affairs can lead to sexual ones and the fall out can be horrific for those involved. Do yourself a favour and answer the questions honestly and if there is any part of you that would like her to be interested in you. Cease contact before its too late.
design1 Posted November 1, 2007 Posted November 1, 2007 again as you've been asked by several people... yet have not answered: does your wife know that you are emailing and meeting this other woman for drinks?
Freedom Now Posted November 1, 2007 Posted November 1, 2007 And if you have to HIDE any part of this budding friendship, it is wrong. Period.
Author wtfamidoing Posted November 1, 2007 Author Posted November 1, 2007 littlekitty, so you think that her intentions in this whole thing are above board, or were you just referring to the comment about getting married too soon?
michelangelo Posted November 1, 2007 Posted November 1, 2007 Unusual! and to have another friend also married at 17? Way.
whichwayisup Posted November 1, 2007 Posted November 1, 2007 littlekitty, so you think that her intentions in this whole thing are above board, or were you just referring to the comment about getting married too soon? Married women who befriend married men, and let them know they're not happy in their marriage, that they got married too young IS the 'line'. Don't fall for it! She should be talking to her girlfriends about this, or her husband, trying to fix things, not talking to you about it. I enjoy spending time with her Well, when you're married, it's inappropriate behaviour to be hanging out and enjoying the company of another woman. How would you feel if your wife did the same thing to you? I bet you'd be jealous, pissed off and wonder what your wife's intentions were, let alone you being a GUY, you would KNOW what the OM's intentions were..Think about it. Also, are you sexually attracted to her? Have you had ANY sexual thoughts, fantasies about her? Be honest now.
outofdarkness Posted November 1, 2007 Posted November 1, 2007 And if you have to HIDE any part of this budding friendship, it is wrong. Period. Yep, it's the deception and secrecy that feeds the A...If it's out in the open and the spouse is aware of the friendship...and both agree it's ok...then it's ok...but then again, what's the fun or it then?
Freedom Now Posted November 1, 2007 Posted November 1, 2007 Yep, it's the deception and secrecy that feeds the A...If it's out in the open and the spouse is aware of the friendship...and both agree it's ok...then it's ok...but then again, what's the fun or it then? Fun and these types of relationships don't jive. There is nothing fun about finding out that your husband is seeing a female friend on the side without your knowledge. And lest anyone think I am a BS, think again. I am an xOW who walked away from "her" MM. There is nothing at all "fun" about these situations. You are exactly right, OOD. To the OP: Don't fall down this slippery slope. For EVERYONE'S sake, just don't.
whichwayisup Posted November 1, 2007 Posted November 1, 2007 As some say, if you're bored in your life and are looking for some excitement, or a big rush - Jump out of an airplane or go bungee jumping. Do not tempt yourself with another woman.
lonegal Posted November 2, 2007 Posted November 2, 2007 As some say, if you're bored in your life and are looking for some excitement, or a big rush - Jump out of an airplane or go bungee jumping. Do not tempt yourself with another woman. This made me laugh, but seriously the options are clear. I know you know your limits, if it turns out good that you will have a new friend, confidant what ever then so be it, but then again tread lightly as some posted earlier. Really dont want to give advice but in the end it really will boil down on how you want things to progress. Good luck
whichwayisup Posted November 2, 2007 Posted November 2, 2007 if it turns out good that you will have a new friend, confidant what ever then so be it, This isn't possible due to his circumstances. Having a married woman 'friend' that his wife doesn't know about it IS not healthy. If he has problems, he can talk to his own wife, or a MALE buddy, someone else from his family or seek counselling, but befriending this woman and making her his 'confidant' is wrong.
shadowofman Posted November 4, 2007 Posted November 4, 2007 Hangin' with this woman is wrong if your wife thinks it's wrong. Don't do it secretly unless you don't want your wife to find out and get pissed. You need to decide who and what you are before you do anything. Either be in a monogaomous relationship or get out of it. Stringing someone along is not cool. I myself am in a monogamous relationship that I shouldn't have committed to. I will either live the rest of my life like this, or break my monogamous obligations before I cheat.
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