KATANYA Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 As some of you may know, my MM and I were together for 2 years, friends for many years before that. A few weeks ago I decided to end the A for no other reason than to preserve his friendship - if that were possible. I have been REALLY working hard to keep everything on a 'friendshp' only basis and feel like I've done an awesome job! In the last few weeks MM and I have been noticeably (noticeably to me and him I mean) less 'connected' in that we don't call each other a million times a day, he rarely calls in the early am anymore as he used to just to say goodmorning, does not call me in the evenings when he get 'out', etc etc.....both of us have very much gone back to being friends and I am trying VERY hard to put the A and the residual feelings away (even though I must say it is VERY hard to do and I do miss him etc etc but I really want to focus on friends with him and I feel he wants the same). OK........fast forward to last week. Through a chain of events of which I had very little control over, I ended up driving MM's W to a function that lasted all afternoon. We spent the drive there and back 'chatting' mostly about family etc. etc. and with her complaining about MM to which I mostly kept my mouth shut or tried to change the subject. Stupid me, she talked about me being in good shape and I told her about my gym and how much I love it there-told her I'd been a member for about 1 year and its made a huge difference etc. etc. NOW, as of today, W has decided that I am really nice and fun to be around and she has decided to join my gym - she feels that we can travel together because I am really easy to get along with and she enjoys my company and she has wanted to get back in shape but didn't want to join a gym where she didn't know anyone because she is really not good with doing things on her own and felt self-concious in a gym surrounded by strangers. Further, I (along with another female co-worker) have to go on a meeting out of town tomorrow and she has decided it would be 'fun" to go with me and the other worker who she is quite close to (and who invited her) in order to do a little Christmas shopping and hang with the 'girls'. (If your not familiar with my other posts, W has occassionally joined out of town meetings in the past but usually prefers to stay home - always invited by MM and other workers spouses). W used to work with our company in another division and I was actually her supervisor a few years ago before she went to work elsewhere so she does have friends within the company and this co-worker (who is also my friend) and W have been friends for awhile. To my co-worker, this is like 'the girls' getting away as well. I am thinking that I can handle being just 'friends' with MM but I dont really want any new friends and W is not one I could pick anyway. Yes, I am friends with her H and have ALWAYS been nice to her when I see her but I really don't want to 'bond' any further than that! At first I thought this might be a set up on her part but I don't believe it is only because she was sooooo excited about the gym and wanting me to let her go with me to check it out - very genuine. She also seems really excited at the thought of going away with 'the girls' yet is rarely interested in going on trips when MM is going?????? My co-worker and I are both single and W seems to think we may get to go out for 'some drinks and fun' after we are done our meetings. (I'm not sure what she is thinking might be 'fun' but I'm not feeling it!) BTW, MM's reaction - was very happy about the gym because it made her happy and she is excited about losing weight and getting in shape so he wants to encourage her....and is willing to pay for whatever it costs plus figures she will need a couple of outfits and new sneakers that we can get when we go 'shopping'! OMG - after the urge to slap him passes I sarcastically said, "H*ll, since you are being so understanding and supportive of this why not throw in a few outfits for me!" To which he sweetly replied "of course I would but you would NEVER ask. You are too stubborn and never ask anyone for anything....not even your friends!" Does anyone else see how NOT GOOD this is !!!!! For 2 years there were no issues, now I end the A and things are working there way back to being 'normal' -so I lose the MM, but gain the W........
outofdarkness Posted November 1, 2007 Posted November 1, 2007 IDK..That's the damndest story I've ever read.....Stop playing w/ her already..Truth is...You are enjoying it...ood
Author KATANYA Posted November 1, 2007 Author Posted November 1, 2007 hey ood.....wish I were playing with this one but I think I'm the one getting played????Either way I don't want to touch this one and I don't see why, after all these years, we need to be any more 'friends' than we've been all along. I am travelling back on my own from my trip tomorrow (stated family reasons for not being able to stay o/n and I will make the trip back on Fri. to finish up meetings) and, as far as the gym, I havn't dealt with that yet because I have not spoken with her (she has not called again about it and I, of course, have never called her for anything). Have talked to her more in the last two weeks than the last ten years.....I am just going to tell her the truth - anyone can join, its not a private club but I can never be sure when I'm going so if I see her there...great but don't 'count' on me for drives etc. because I have younger children and my schedule changes all the time. I also plan to talk to my friend because I don't want him to encourage his W to contact me or for him to, for whatever reason, think that me and W becoming 'buddies' is a good idea ---its not what I need or want and I generally pick my own friends, don't need help. If he is thinking that me wanting to be 'friends' with him opens new doors for all of us being buddies than he is wrong and needs to stop. If this is all her doing it doesn't make sense after all these years because she's known me for a long time (not well but certainly well enough) why she's suddenly decided I"m easy to talk to and 'fun'? Not going there and I promise you, wouldn't be playing in that field ---way too dangerous for my liking and not my style!
White Flower Posted November 1, 2007 Posted November 1, 2007 If this is all her doing it doesn't make sense after all these years because she's known me for a long time (not well but certainly well enough) why she's suddenly decided I"m easy to talk to and 'fun'? quote] Hi Katanya, You're right-it does sound suspicious. Do you think she's onto you and MM, albeit a little too late, and wants to move in closer to discovery? It is a bit strange. I would find another gym and keep doing as you are by skipping out early on business trips (if possible) and perhaps look into moving to a different company. You're finally finished with MM and now his W is the problem:eek: Has MM contacted you and/or discussed this new "friendship" of yours?
Author KATANYA Posted November 1, 2007 Author Posted November 1, 2007 Hi WF.....MM and I have both agreed that we are 'friends first". I was originally going to say nothing to him about ending the A but, after looking at some of the advice here, decided to talk to him and be honest about wanting to make sure we are and ever were the friends we said we were. So he has been very good at taking things back a notch and being my 'friend' only and I have done the same. We continue to do the same things we've done in the past such as coffee breaks etc. and he did go with me shopping for furniture because he said he would and he has the truck to deliver it for me.......all things that we have done for years and that EVERYONE is aware of. But no physical contact, no intimate moments, no personal talk.........nothing at all like that. Even the first of this week there was an opportunity for us to be away together that we would have, at one time, both arranged to happen but we didn't. The only thing I can see that W would notice as 'different' or 'suspicious' is that MM and I AREN'T as close as we were. We don't talk all the time anymore and we havn't had to 'meet' for anything in the last few weeks.......so all and all he is probably home more, around more and available more??? If anything, that would be the most 'suspicious' thing she could see. Its not as though we've had any fights, no drama, no big 'break up' moment......nothing! It is weird and, about a year ago this happened but to a much lesser degree in that she decided to start going on our o/o/t trips but that lasted maybe two trips and then she decided they were too boring and she did not like spending time alone when we were in meetings. This is much different....she actually approached me to inquire about the gym and even spoke to MM about joining the gym with me. He's supposed to go shopping for sneakers and gym clothes for her tomorrow. From how he sounded, he thought it was a fabulous idea (WTF?).....that part I really DON'T get and it really p*ssed me off. His view is "but you are a great person to be around and you are fun...blah blah blah)...fails to see that it is very weird that after all these years she decides to be 'friends' NOW! Moving companies is not an option as I have been there many years and am one of the senior staff.....to move would be to completely start over and I've done that once already. I really don't want to do that again and I have children to think about as I'm a single mom. I can work fine with him (he will be in line for a promotion at the end of next year and, if he gets it, he will move to another section of the Co. - I have the same option but would not take the position as it means significant travel and I can't do that right now with my kids)....either way, job isn't the problem - W is (or could be)...I'm just not comfortable with this newfound interest in me and I just can't pinpoint WHY the sudden interest - is it her being 'friendly' and simply looking for someone to tag on to (and since I'm H's friend I'm a safe bet) or is MM encouraging this thinking through some brain lapse that us being friends would be a good idea??? She did do a great deal of 'venting' last week and I tried to be compassionate and listen without 'getting involved'.....maybe she took that as a sign that I cared and she could 'talk to me'. I am H's friend so maybe she feels I can help. (I CAN'T). I'm perplexed but I'm not playing this game.......no gym time with W for me and no 'girls night out' either. I do well to hold my tongue on most things sober, God knows what I'd say drinking! I have always been nice to her but I don't want to be any closer than we are.
Lyssa Posted November 1, 2007 Posted November 1, 2007 I'm perplexed but I'm not playing this game.......no gym time with W for me and no 'girls night out' either. I do well to hold my tongue on most things sober, God knows what I'd say drinking! I have always been nice to her but I don't want to be any closer than we are. I just find it weird that all of a sudden she wants to hang out etc. Something is just not right - my opinion anyway. MM's W emailed me a couple of time, not knowing that H and I have something going on. At that time, her first email was suspicious. It was as if she was trying to find out who and where I am from. I didn't give any personal detail at all but she kept emailing me to 'pour out' her feelings about stuff. Seriously, why me? Go email someone else. She has stopped emailing cause I have ignored her after she told me too many of personal things that I didn't want to get involved with! Thank goodness that was over and done with. Their M is over and done with! So now I am in peace. You should tell your friend that it's not cool if she's trying to get to you by being a friend. I know MM's W was trying to do that but since I acted really stupid about her country etc, she let it go.
White Flower Posted November 1, 2007 Posted November 1, 2007 Hi WF.....MM and I have both agreed that we are 'friends first". I'm perplexed but I'm not playing this game.......no gym time with W for me and no 'girls night out' either. I do well to hold my tongue on most things sober, God knows what I'd say drinking! I have always been nice to her but I don't want to be any closer than we are. The timing is very interesting as you decide on the R to be a friendship and then the W moves in on you as a friend. I think he encouraged it more than you know. He probably wants his own W to keep an eye on the OW...you think it's possible? What a concept!
Lyssa Posted November 1, 2007 Posted November 1, 2007 The timing is very interesting as you decide on the R to be a friendship and then the W moves in on you as a friend. I think he encouraged it more than you know. He probably wants his own W to keep an eye on the OW...you think it's possible? What a concept! LOL. If that is so, he's one selfish man, isn't he? Well, most MM are. I think his W like the idea of going out with the ladies so that she can get some fresh air... you know, take a look around and see what she has been missing. Who knows!
White Flower Posted November 1, 2007 Posted November 1, 2007 LOL. If that is so, he's one selfish man, isn't he? Well, most MM are. I think his W like the idea of going out with the ladies so that she can get some fresh air... you know, take a look around and see what she has been missing. Who knows! Have you read the thread about the human sandwich? I think Katanya may be headed for something similar...just not sexual. This brings up a whole new question: Do you think MM fantasize having the W and OW together in bed? I know my MM would like me and one of my friends together, but the W and OW? Not too sure about that!
Lyssa Posted November 1, 2007 Posted November 1, 2007 Have you read the thread about the human sandwich? I think Katanya may be headed for something similar...just not sexual. This brings up a whole new question: Do you think MM fantasize having the W and OW together in bed? I know my MM would like me and one of my friends together, but the W and OW? Not too sure about that! Yes I have read and commented on that thread. I wonder what happened to the OP of that thread. Katanya sure sounds like she is headed that way but she is pretty adamant on not wanting it to happen. I know my MM does not fantasize of me and his W! LOL. That is just so... wrong on so many levels. I don't know about Katanya's xMM/MM but hey, anything is possible. MM/H, W and OW together? Wow - unheard of but again, if human sandwich is true - anything can happen!!!
Author KATANYA Posted November 1, 2007 Author Posted November 1, 2007 Wrong on so many levels doesn't even begin to cover that kind of thinking! I do think its more than strange that W thinks I would make a good new buddy all of a sudden and I do think that there is more to it than just 'gee, why didn't I see before now how 'fun' she was!". W and I are very different and I'm not sure we share ANY of the same interests at all.....never have, which is why we have never been 'friends' as such over the years. I have a meeting today with MM on work issues so I think I am going to ask him what's going on. I can't imagine he wants W and I to 'hang out'...why now, afterall. It was never an issue before. I also think it would be VERY bizarre thinking on his part to use W to watch me...he sees me more than she EVER would. He knows that I have been seeing another man (who's single) on a casual basis and has said nothing about that at all-no reaction positively or negatively other than a friendly word of advise being 'be careful, I don't want to see you get hurt". As far as the 'human sandwich' concept, I didn't read the entire thread but what I did read was......uummm.....interesting and soooo not in my line of thinking and I really CAN'T even imagine MM would be inclined in that direction! As I said before, I won't be engaging in any 'quality time' with W and just wait to see where this goes. I really think if she suspected anything with me and MM she would have addressed it a long time ago. She has been down this road with him many times and has always made a confrontation with him and the OW was out of the picture immediately. Can't see why she'd want to draw me in when she has been quick to chase others out!
frannie Posted November 1, 2007 Posted November 1, 2007 The timing is very interesting as you decide on the R to be a friendship and then the W moves in on you as a friend. I think he encouraged it more than you know. He probably wants his own W to keep an eye on the OW...you think it's possible? What a concept! Interesting... I hadn't thought of that angle, but now you mention it it makes sense. K pulls away, MM doesn't like it and encourages W to hang out with her and her single friend. W could be completely innocent in this... or she could sense something between you, and is operating on the 'keep your enemies closer' idea. Either way, it is entirely yukky that your MM would be joking around and talking about girly shopping trips between his W and OW. I just find that completely disrespectful and horrible.
White Flower Posted November 1, 2007 Posted November 1, 2007 Wrong on so many levels doesn't even begin to cover that kind of thinking! She has been down this road with him many times and has always made a confrontation with him and the OW was out of the picture immediately. Can't see why she'd want to draw me in when she has been quick to chase others out! Wow, I didn't know that you weren't the first OW in MM's life. How interesting that she hasn't picked up on the both of you when she's gone through it so many times before. Do you think that he just perfected his technique?
White Flower Posted November 1, 2007 Posted November 1, 2007 Not going there and I promise you, wouldn't be playing in that field ---way too dangerous for my liking and not my style! Hi K, I didn't intend to say that you would be into a human sandwich with MM and W; rather, I wondered if MM in general fantasize about that. There is no way he is going to admit that to you or her, but I would love to get a MM here on this thread to admit to it. If my MM is willing to tell me of his fantasy with me and another woman, surely there is a man out there that is willing to admit that he has at least once thought of W with OW and him. Even though it would be distasteful to most of us, I am sure MM (pl) have thought about it. I inteded to say, with regard to you, that your "sandwich" situation was more of a tangled and messy aftermath of various situations involving exMM and his W. I do not envy you right now:o. I hope you can find a way to deal with it all.
Shades of Grey Posted November 1, 2007 Posted November 1, 2007 Sounds to me as though his W is clueless and just wanting to expand her circle of friends. MM's behaviour is however very wrong it just all seems really sad to me.
outofdarkness Posted November 1, 2007 Posted November 1, 2007 Sounds to me as though his W is clueless and just wanting to expand her circle of friends. MM's behaviour is however very wrong it just all seems really sad to me. Yeah, my sentiments exactly...Just sad all around. The W must be really lonely..
Author KATANYA Posted November 2, 2007 Author Posted November 2, 2007 I agree that W is probably lonely in some ways and wants to make friends but I also think that timing is VERY off.....Having said that, I went on my business meetings yesterday and ended up staying as we only finished late in the evening. I decided to get a room and keep a low profile. W did go with my co-worker and was very happy when I saw them in the dining room. They were going out to a club to watch a band and invited me but I declined. This morning I got a phone call VERY early from MM wondering were W might be???? I was half asleep and had NO IDEA what he was calling for ---obviously she didn't stay with me! I asked him why in the world he would call ME to ask that question. Anyway, he stated he could not get her on her cell nor in her room and that he had called her cell the prior evening and it was off and when he called mine I did not answer or 'hung up' on him?????(didn't happen). He wondered if I would be seeing her for breakfast and could I tell her to call. I told him I wasn't going to do that as, to me, it would seem a tad odd for ME to give her a message on anything and that he should just call the hotel and have them deliver a message to her. He asked if I knew her room number and if we went out. I told him I had to go, it was early and I didn't see his W the prior evening so ask her these questions...not me. I was VERY angry and can honestly say I have NEVER seen MM act this was in all the years I've known him. Stupidest behaviour I have seen - Almost angry of agitated with me. I spoke with him this afternoon when I returned and point blank asked him what was going on because he seemed VERY strange and this whole thing was making me VERY uncomfortable. He stated that he knew we had all gone out and gotten drunk and also that he knew I would be much worse without him there then with him there and that he could 'tell' by looking at me and would be able to 'tell' when he saw his W what went on. I became very angry with him and told him I thought he was being a real a$$ and that I did not have to answer to him - she did! I also told him that maybe she was doing to him what he has done to her for years...going out, having a life, having a good time. He was very impatient with me and very irritable so I told him that if all of this was about 'us' then just say so. I told him I was not his W's keeper and that I knew he was talking about me to her and encouraging this 'friendship' and that it was a little sick! I don't know what is going on with them or how I seem to have become part of it but I do know he is taking her away for a weekend trip (which usually happens when she becomes discontented with him). After I went off on my rant, MM told me we were friends and that wasn't the issue. (And, so the issue is???????..............) So, I did get the highlights of the night out - they went to the club, left there and went to a strip club (women strippers), then went a couple of other places drinking - quite drunk from what I gather from co-workers stories ---W apparently had an 'amazing' time (which is great for her) and, to my knowledge, no harm done - I was not party to any of it yet feel I'm getting 'blamed' for W's behaviour! I'm not sure I will be very good at tolerating much more of this foolishness before I lose my patience and temper.....as far as W, good for her that she got out and away and had fun; as for MM, whatever this new 'change' is in his attitude, it better pass quickly or he will have two 'discontented' women to deal with. I'm sure I will not hear from him til next week so it will be interesting to see his attitude toward me then. So now MM is 'mad' at me, W is happy that she has gotten her 'girls get away' and the two of them are heading away for the weekend. And I am left home scratching my head?????
White Flower Posted November 3, 2007 Posted November 3, 2007 Wow, K, I really hope you have a restful weekend. Sounds like you need it. Hey, my MM is outta town, too. Let's go party! LOL; if I could I would cheer you up. It almost sounds like he is punishing you for breaking up.
OWoman Posted November 3, 2007 Posted November 3, 2007 I was VERY angry and can honestly say I have NEVER seen MM act this was in all the years I've known him. Stupidest behaviour I have seen - Almost angry of agitated with me. His behaviour is not really surprising - he's losing control over ALL the women in his life - first you end the A, then his W goes out and has a good time without checking in with him the way he wanted... Plus he's probably worried that, enough alcohol later, you guys might end up talking about HIM. The weekend trip sounds like pre-emptive damage control.
Lyssa Posted November 3, 2007 Posted November 3, 2007 Well he's having a taste of his own medicine, isn't he?
White Flower Posted November 3, 2007 Posted November 3, 2007 His behaviour is not really surprising - he's losing control over ALL the women in his life - first you end the A, then his W goes out and has a good time without checking in with him the way he wanted... Plus he's probably worried that, enough alcohol later, you guys might end up talking about HIM. The weekend trip sounds like pre-emptive damage control. Very good point, OW.
sally4sara Posted November 3, 2007 Posted November 3, 2007 Well he's having a taste of his own medicine, isn't he? And maybe this is the wife's intent; punish you both in one fell swoop till you don't even have a friendship? She sounds brilliant!
Lyssa Posted November 3, 2007 Posted November 3, 2007 And maybe this is the wife's intent; punish you both in one fell swoop till you don't even have a friendship? She sounds brilliant! I don't think W has any intention in doing that. She sounds like she just wants to have fun. "It's about time" kinda thing. Katanya, I hope you're having a pleasant weekend!
Author KATANYA Posted November 6, 2007 Author Posted November 6, 2007 Just an update.......MM was back to work today but in meetings away from the co. most of the day. We spoke about work issues over the phone a couple of times and kept everything very professional and light. Tonight I went to the gym and, low and behold, W and her daughter have joined and were with a trainer ----GREAT! Not much interaction time which was good - I said hello when I walked past them going in and that was it. They were still there when I left but did not have to walk past them.....I saw the daughter at work today (she is working on an internship with our co. ) but she did not mention the gym today so I'm hoping they have decided to make it a 'mother/daughter' thing and I will be left out of it! Have meetings all day with MM tomorrow so will be interested to see what is said and how he acts after last week. He did call twice on the weekend which is unusual but I missed both calls and there was no message so I did not bother returning the calls. I have also not gotten any further calls from W so maybe things will be 'back to normal" (whatever that is). We'll see how things go tomorrow I guess.
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