tahomajess Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 Hi there- I am new to the forum but thought I could get some good advice here. Anyways, I've been dating a really sweet guy for about 3 1/2 months but I have known him for 4 1/2 yrs. We have a good time together and he always makes me laugh. We started to date and about a month into it I fell apart. After a CT scan, MRI, hospital stay that included a spinal tap (very fun) they concluded that I now have MS. I figured this great guy would bolt but he's still here. I am doing great and I can walk again. We tried to have sex one time when I first got sick (beginning of August) and he had to stop because of a leg cramp. Ok-no big deal, but because of that one incident, he feels inadequate or nervous that he may not be able to perform. I also must mention that he had relationships in the past but none ever lasted more than a month if you can believe it. I guess he never found the right one. And we are both 32. I am the first girl he's had a relationship with in 6 yrs. So I try to take that into concideration when I look at our current situation. I also noticed that he seems to be depressed. He doesn't freak out on my and hasn't said hurtful things but it is definatly there and I am sure it is another reason why he doesn't have the urge to have sex with me. At first I thought it was me and I was starting to feel self contious but I asked him about that and he assures me that it's all him. I thought maybe he was afraid to come near me because of my now life long illness. Last night he came over and he was drinking becasue he had a really bad day at work. He was saying that I am to good for him, that he could never give me the love and affection I need because he isn't capable of even loving himself. That sometimes he wished he were dead. He got angry about himself at times and at other times last night he was crying. I'm sure this has alot to do with the alcohol but I think it has alot to do with the depression. I didn't want to take it personally but I really think he's a great guy and it hurt me to think there might never be intimacy or that he may never be able to love me. I have had horrible relationships in the past and this time I feel that I have finally found the one. I was even anti marriage in the past (not for others-just myself) and I could see marrying this guy. So what do I do? Try to keep on with him while realizing he may never be capable of reciprocating the feelings I have for him? I know I probably sound like an idiot. I am not. I just know that he is great and I wonder how I can get him over the depression so we can live like a normal couple. Any advice that you can give would be great. Thanks for listening (or reading). Jess
jcster Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 Wow...you have a lot on your plate! You two have only been dating for a short time, and so much has happened already. I think he's freaked out, not only just by your illness, but by his feelings of helplessness when it comes to helping you deal with it. Add to that the normal fears of anyone embarking on a new relationship with someone that they really care about, and you get the breakdown that you witnessed last night. I think all that you can do right now is to let the situation normalize. Don't ask to much from him or yourself right now, get used to your new reality and then work on the problems as they arise. As for sex, you are probably going to need to initiate it so that he doesn't have to worry about hurting you - which I'm sure is something on his mind. Be sure and take care of yourself and try not to focus too much on his problems right now - give him a chance to get a hold of himself first.
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