nadiaj2727 Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 I just wanted to share some great personal news and a little victory in the X!!!OW department. My xMM is my superior at work, who became my mentor at about the same time I became the OW, and part of the attraction from the beginning was that he would share with me the secret under-workings of the firm and how they made decisions and what other superiors said about me, and what was expected of me, etc. etc. etc. Looking back, I think he had a secret agenda to make it seem like I *need* him at work and he has so much important information to share with me. I finally decided I did not need him, and that neither of us should be mixing work with pleasure so much, and broke it off. I broke it off with him about a week before he had told me that all the directors (including him) had a meeting about all the associates (including me), to discuss our progress and decide who gets raises and bonuses etc. I knew this meant he could either say something negative about my work at the meeting (which of course all along he's only been saying positive things about me) or that he would not share with me what they talked about. I decided I didn't care, I don't need him and I shouldn't be knowing secret firm stuff I wouldn't otherwise know if I hadn't been in a relationship (and yes sleeping) with one of the directors. Well the meeting came and went and he (purposefully, I know) didn't say anything about it to me. I know it bugged him that I didn't even ask. I *really really really* wanted to know if I'm getting a raise and what the other directors said about my work (the latter part which he could/ should have shared with me as my mentor) but I resisted the urge to ask despite his childish tactics to get me to do so. He had made a big deal before the meeting of asking me for information about my hours, my training classes, other directors I've worked for, etc., and then he didn't mention a word about any of it afterwards on purpose. He would even mention things that happened at the meeting -- like one director left early for no reason, etc. -- to get me to ask, but I didn't. Finally yesterday he sent me a vague email saying that based on what he heard at the meeting on Saturday, things are going to start changing at the firm. I wrote back and said, what do you mean? And he said, "I'll tell you in person." I said, No thanks. Go me! !!! I was so happy with myself, because I would rather not know if/ when I'm getting a raise than get the information from him as a way for him to see me. And it turns out I only had to wait 4 days to find out the information he was trying to hold over my head. Today I opened my direct deposit statement (just wishfully hoping, knowing that they had the meeting on Saturday and there was my raise!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! For some reason this gives me so much confidence that I am going to be just fine without him and I don't need him for anything, including work.
TogetherForever Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 I just wanted to share some great personal news and a little victory in the X!!!OW department. My xMM is my superior at work, who became my mentor at about the same time I became the OW, and part of the attraction from the beginning was that he would share with me the secret under-workings of the firm and how they made decisions and what other superiors said about me, and what was expected of me, etc. etc. etc. Looking back, I think he had a secret agenda to make it seem like I *need* him at work and he has so much important information to share with me. I finally decided I did not need him, and that neither of us should be mixing work with pleasure so much, and broke it off. I broke it off with him about a week before he had told me that all the directors (including him) had a meeting about all the associates (including me), to discuss our progress and decide who gets raises and bonuses etc. I knew this meant he could either say something negative about my work at the meeting (which of course all along he's only been saying positive things about me) or that he would not share with me what they talked about. I decided I didn't care, I don't need him and I shouldn't be knowing secret firm stuff I wouldn't otherwise know if I hadn't been in a relationship (and yes sleeping) with one of the directors. Well the meeting came and went and he (purposefully, I know) didn't say anything about it to me. I know it bugged him that I didn't even ask. I *really really really* wanted to know if I'm getting a raise and what the other directors said about my work (the latter part which he could/ should have shared with me as my mentor) but I resisted the urge to ask despite his childish tactics to get me to do so. He had made a big deal before the meeting of asking me for information about my hours, my training classes, other directors I've worked for, etc., and then he didn't mention a word about any of it afterwards on purpose. He would even mention things that happened at the meeting -- like one director left early for no reason, etc. -- to get me to ask, but I didn't. Finally yesterday he sent me a vague email saying that based on what he heard at the meeting on Saturday, things are going to start changing at the firm. I wrote back and said, what do you mean? And he said, "I'll tell you in person." I said, No thanks. Go me! !!! I was so happy with myself, because I would rather not know if/ when I'm getting a raise than get the information from him as a way for him to see me. And it turns out I only had to wait 4 days to find out the information he was trying to hold over my head. Today I opened my direct deposit statement (just wishfully hoping, knowing that they had the meeting on Saturday and there was my raise!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! For some reason this gives me so much confidence that I am going to be just fine without him and I don't need him for anything, including work. CONGRATS NADIA!!!!!!!!! INSERT CLAPPING HANDS HERE:). TF
TogetherForever Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 Thanks TF You're quite welcome!!! WooHoo:bunny:
curiousnycgirl Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 First and foremost congratulations - I am sure the raise was well deserved based on your contribution to your company, etc. etc. As far as what he should and should not have shared with you as your mentor - the answer is he should not have shared anything that happened during an interranking session with you. That is your managers job, and it is highly unprofessional for anyone else to do so - even a mentor. In fact in my company it is grounds for dismissal.. I am so very happy for you that you broke all ties AND got rewarded for your performance etc.
KATANYA Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 Congratulations!!!!!! It must also be a HUGE boost to your self esteem and confidence to know that you are doing a GREAT jobs without him and also that HE can't control your progress!!!! Hope you buy yourself something nice with the extra!
Author nadiaj2727 Posted October 31, 2007 Author Posted October 31, 2007 He seriously just sent me an email saying I should thank him for the raise. No congratulations or anything. I didn't respond and then he sent me this: I guess I was half kidding about the thank you. I thought you might thank me for the my hard work with you for last 10 months. I was SO up about the raise and now I am so down. He makes me feel like a wh#re who only got a raise b/c of my relationship with him. That is SO not true. For one thing they give associates a raise every year, the amount just differs (I got a raise last year when I didn't even know him) and for another thing I have worked so hard and billed so many hours, which has NOTHING at all to do with him. This job has been my life. Yeah he was a great mentor and part of the reason I fell for him is that he helped me so much with work, and I no longer felt like a little lost sheep about things. But now I find out it was all b/c he wanted me to feel like he was the only one here that could help me. So I don't think he should get any kudos for being such a great mentor. Why do I let him deflate my balloon so easily? Earlier I was floating around happily and now I feel so angry, bitter and depressed. How could I have ever let myself fall for someone with his kind of character?!?!? There must be something seriously wrong with me.
indianlover Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 Girl, if your story is anything like mine then I know you were an amazing woman before he even met you. That's why he was attracted to you. Its childish of him to put you down like that. You know you got the raise because of your efforts not because of him (and so does he) so let him boil in his own juices, enjoy your moment.
Gwyneth Posted November 1, 2007 Posted November 1, 2007 Congratulations! That's excellent and uplifting news!
OWoman Posted November 1, 2007 Posted November 1, 2007 Why do I let him deflate my balloon so easily? Earlier I was floating around happily and now I feel so angry, bitter and depressed. Because part of you wants him to acknowledge your performance as YOUR triumph, not his - and his mail is claiming it for himself. Yes, perhaps he has been a great mentor to you and wants to see that acknowledged - but your stellar performance is the acknowledgment of that, and the "thanks" is all the benefit the firm is receiving as a result. He should be professional enough to recognise that, whatever his personal issues are. Congratulations, Nadia - your raise was well-deserved, I'm sure, and no amount of petulance from him can make that not so!
OpenBook Posted November 1, 2007 Posted November 1, 2007 Agreed... Nadia, keep in mind that it wasn't just his call on the raise you got. The other directors had to clear it too. If your work sucked, they would have protested it, no matter what your "mentor" told them. And it sounds like he is trying to play his same ol' games with you (i.e., projecting it all back on you -- "something's wrong with YOU, not ME") and he just can't accept that they're not working anymore on you. Good for you for standing your ground. I know it gets a little dicey when work is involved, however. I hope you watch your step... He is still in a powerful position and could do your career great damage if he wanted to. Although... it's been my experience that they tend to do more damage when you DON'T sleep with them. They are much kinder when you have. I think it's because they know you could sue the pants off of them for sexual harassment. "Sleep with me or suffer/lose your job." That's the direct or implied message from the one in the superior position. At least, that's what the law says. Am I right??
Author nadiaj2727 Posted November 1, 2007 Author Posted November 1, 2007 it's been my experience that they tend to do more damage when you DON'T sleep with them. They are much kinder when you have. I think it's because they know you could sue the pants off of them for sexual harassment. "Sleep with me or suffer/lose your job." That's the direct or implied message from the one in the superior position. At least, that's what the law says. Am I right?? Yes, you're right, and the funny thing is that the only reason I have any kind of upper hand over him at work is because we DID sleep together and he knows I can use that against him if he does things differently now that we aren't sleeping together. (And b/c he told me a lot of firm secrets they would KILL him for telling a new associate, and he's ragged on other directors etc. to me so I have a lot of incriminating evidence saved IF I ever needed to use it.) I know that it's all on the back of his mind. Recently he told me he needed to go to DC with him on a case in mid-November. The professional necessity is BS b/c he's had the deposition scheduled for months and he NEVER needed a new associate to go w/ him (& the client would not pay for an inexperienced associate to go to such a big deposition), and he had asked me to go with him for PERSONAL reasons before and I'd said no. Suddenly when I break it off, he needs me to go for PROFESSIONAL reasons. Uh huh. I told him I'm questioning his motives and I don't believe he really needs me there, or even that the client will pay for me... I said he just wants me to go for personal reasons, therefore I decline. He got all huffy and threw a fit and said *I* shouldn't question the decisions he makes on *his* case, and that if I don't feel comfortable going to DC with him he is going to need to get another associate on the case b/c there are lots more depositions coming up in 2008. This is all BS, and to make him shut up I said, "Are you saying that if I don't go to DC with you in November, after I broke off our relationship and asked for no contact and you suddenly said the client needs me there, that you are replacing me on the case?" I guess he realized how this sounded (like what it was... manipulative attempts to get me to see him personally b/c he has power over me professionally) and he got all defensive and said, "I am NOT threatening to replace you, I am NOT saying you'll lose your work in this case..." I am so glad those laws are there b/c just b/c I was STUPID enough to sleep with him and be in a relationship with him for 8 months doesn't mean I should have to continue doing the same or suffer at work. Honestly I don't care if he takes me off the case and all his cases... it would be easier that way b/c I wouldn't have to be around him (which is why he really wouldn't do it, he just wants to see me even if it's for work), and I already work for other people so it's not like I need his work.
Author nadiaj2727 Posted November 1, 2007 Author Posted November 1, 2007 OWoman: Yes, perhaps he has been a great mentor to you and wants to see that acknowledged - but your stellar performance is the acknowledgment of that, and the "thanks" is all the benefit the firm is receiving as a result. He should be professional enough to recognise that, whatever his personal issues are. Yeah he has never been able to separate the professional from the personal. I remember he said in the beginning he asked me to re-draft a motion like 8 times b/c he always wanted me to come back into his office. It was so stupid of me to get involved with him. I've learned two important lessons -- never date a married man and never date a man you work with, ESPECIALLY your superior!
Author nadiaj2727 Posted November 1, 2007 Author Posted November 1, 2007 Indianlover: You know you got the raise because of your efforts not because of him (and so does he). Exactly, thank you. I DO appreciate how much he's worked with me and I've told him that numerous times. I guess he thinks any promotions/ raises/ bonuses I get are because of him and I should thank you the second they happen. Personally I disagree, I work hard and my firm rewards people for that so I would be getting a raise even if we had never met. But I DO think he's improved the quality of my work and my knowledge of what's expected of me, which to me is even more important than financial benefits. I guess he doesn't get that. Oh well.
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