Sending pictures to OM

[puzzled]

My W has been communicating via email with OM for quite some time and I've been spying on this email. He's made his position very clear -- he wants to 'have a fling' (his words). It seems like she's trying to resist, but yet she's been very careful not to give him a definite no and keeps leading him on.

 

Last week we went to Fantasy Fest in Key West, FL. Fantasy Fest is a wild week where the women get their breasts painted, wear see-through tops, etc. Monday W sent OM several pictures that I had taken of her, some with painted breasts, some with see-through tops and some with exposed breasts.

 

These pictures were all taken in public and lots of people were taking pictures and many of these will wind up on the internet, so they're not what you would describe as private, except for one which showed a little more than the others and could not be posted on most internet sites.

 

Should I be concerned about her sending these pictures to OM? I suspect that she's doing it to try to satisfy him without having direct sex with him, however this is just a guess. I'm relatively sure that she has no idea that I've been spying on her email.

 

I've been patiently waiting to see how the relationship between W and OM develops before confronting her with the fact that I know. Last summer she assured me that he was just a friend and promised not to have any further contact with him. I told her that if he was just a friend that there was no reason to keep her relationship with him secret.

[JackJack]

Should I be concerned about her sending these pictures to OM?

 

*Sorry, but I would feel concerned if my wife were sending pictures like that to another man. So, yes I think you should be concerned.

 

I suspect that she's doing it to try to satisfy him without having direct sex with him, however this is just a guess.

 

*It doesn't matter if she is doing it without "direct sex." What matters is the fact, she is exchanging emails with this man who wants to have a "fling" with her, and she is possibley leading him on further (almost like a tease) to show him what shes got and what he might or might not can have.

 

 

 

I've been patiently waiting to see how the relationship between W and OM develops before confronting her with the fact that I know.

 

*Why? you're going to wait until things possibly go deeper?

 

Last summer she assured me that he was just a friend and promised not to have any further contact with him.

 

*So this has been going on since last summer, she told you he was a friend, and wouldn't have further contact with him, but yet here you are still wondering what to do, and its gotten to the point to where she is still in contact with him and now she is sending him pictures? YOU NEED TO CONFRONT HER. You have the emails and the pictures she sent, what more do you need to call her out on her contact with him?

[LucreziaBorgia]

I went back and looked at your other threads. You've been married five and a half years. She has been having an EA (quite possibly a PA) for more than four of those years. She cheated on her last husband too, apparently. I'm not sure what you are waiting for or what you hope to do in this situation. It is fairly clear that she is only keeping you around until things can work out with him, or with the next guy that comes into the picture.

[JackJack]

I went back and looked at your other threads. You've been married five and a half years. She has been having an EA (quite possibly a PA) for more than four of those years. She cheated on her last husband too, apparently. I'm not sure what you are waiting for or what you hope to do in this situation. It is fairly clear that she is only keeping you around until things can work out with him, or with the next guy that comes into the picture.

 

I never think to read posters other threads, duh, on my part.

[Cobra_X30]

Puzzled,

 

The only question you should be answering right now is this. Why are you still married to this woman?

[puzzled]

The only question you should be answering right now is this. Why are you still married to this woman?

I ask myself this quite often.

 

*Why? you're going to wait until things possibly go deeper?

I think I'm living in fantasy land. I keep thinking that maybe he is just a friend and I seem to keep wanting more proof before I'll believe otherwise. Or proof that I'm wrong and that he is just a friend. He's married and has told her that he's not leaving his wife, so I know she won't leave me for him.

 

I don't want to talk to her about it because then she'll just start being more cautious and then I'll never know what's really going on.

[reservoirdog1]

I don't there's any more doubt about what's "really going on". She's betraying you, at least emotionally, and probably physically too.

 

Should I be concerned about her sending these pictures to OM? I suspect that she's doing it to try to satisfy him without having direct sex with him, however this is just a guess.

 

And an extremely naive guess, at that. If she was not intending to have sex with him, she would have told him to fyck off ages ago.

 

Dude, take your blinders off. She's banging him like a screen door in a hurricane. She's been screwing around on you, emotionally at least, for years. And she's a historical cheater.

 

Personally, I'd kick her ass to the curb, with a record like that. You deserve better than her.

 

Whether you stay with her or not, rat the bastard out to his wife if at all possible. He deserves it.

[In Like Flynn]

So are you just going to wait until you see an email talking about how great it was to have their first sexual encounter???

[Lizzie60]

So are you just going to wait until you see an email talking about how great it was to have their first sexual encounter???

 

I was thinking the same thing...

 

To the OP... is this a 'voyeur' thing... from what I read and LB,s post... you seem to enjoy this.

 

My best friend's late husband got a 'kick' out of watching her with other men...

 

Strange... why would you put up with this for so many years? very strange

[puzzled]

Here's my thinking:

 

In my state you don't need a reason to get a divorce. However, in my mind I do.

 

I hesitate to say to my W 'I'm divorcing you because you've been emailing another man and you met him twice for drinks'. Her response would be 'He's just a friend -- you're being sooo unfair'. She would then beg and plead with me to change my mind. I have a weak personality and she has a very strong personality, so I'd probably give in.

 

Then I would live the rest of my life being suspicious. Every time she told me she was going to the mall after work I would wonder if she was meeting him.

 

On the other hand, if I knew that she had sex with him I would have no hesitation saying 'I'm divorcing you because you had sex with another man.'

 

Even back in the old days adultery was grounds for divorce.

 

Does this make sense, or is my thinking completely flawed?

[Tripper]

 

Then I would live the rest of my life being suspicious. Every time she told me she was going to the mall after work I would wonder if she was meeting him.

 

On the other hand, if I knew that she had sex with him I would have no hesitation saying 'I'm divorcing you because you had sex with another man.'

 

Even back in the old days adultery was grounds for divorce.

 

Does this make sense, or is my thinking completely flawed?

 

Puzzled There is some info missing as to how long you've been married, if you have kids and are you relatively happy in the marriage. All these may be factors in what you decide to do.

 

However, I must say that this is no way to live. She is not treating you very well nor being totally honest and you are ending up playing her game.

 

You should give her an ultimatum and a time limit to clean up her act and break off contact with this guy or you're out the door. Find someone who will treat you better..

 

Good Luck

[puzzled]

You should give her an ultimatum and a time limit to clean up her act and break off contact with this guy or you're out the door. Find someone who will treat you better..

 

I've had that advice before. Do ultimatums really work? Other than a polygraph test every week how would I ever know if she had really broken off contact? Isn't it more likely that it would just make her be more cautious?

 

Here's what I need in order to stay with her and be happy. I need for her to voluntarily break off all contact without my saying anything to her. If she ever does that then I will suggest counseling and try my best to work it out.

[puzzled]

Puzzled There is some info missing as to how long you've been married, if you have kids and are you relatively happy in the marriage. All these may be factors in what you decide to do.

 

We've been married about 5 1/2 years. We both have grown kids from prior marriages. I don't think either of us is very happy in the marriage, but then that seems to be the case with all marriages. We're probably no more unhappy than the average.

[Tripper]

Do ultimatums really work? Other than a polygraph test every week how would I ever know if she had really broken off contact? Isn't it more likely that it would just make her be more cautious?

 

Here's what I need in order to stay with her and be happy. I need for her to voluntarily break off all contact without my saying anything to her. If she ever does that then I will suggest counseling and try my best to work it out.

 

Ultimatums work if you absolutely make the other person understand in no uncertain circumstances you will follow through. No relenting , no second chance. But you also have to be prepared to do so no matter what the the consequences are.

I've had to do this several times in my life as painful as it was. I felt I was worth more and deserved more than I was being treated. Short term pain for long term gain.

 

 

We've been married about 5 1/2 years. We both have grown kids from prior marriages. I don't think either of us is very happy in the marriage, but then that seems to be the case with all marriages. We're probably no more unhappy than the average.

 

I don't mean to sound harsh but if either of you are not very happy, why stay together?? I understand afraid of being alone or economic reasons may dictate your actions but they are poor reasons for staying in a relationship that is not working. I also understand that you may still love her but from your post I sense it's not being reciprocated.

 

Last point I'd like to make... Why wait to go for counseling? You should be doing it now to work these issues out. If she won't go with you then go for your own emotional health and piece of mind.

 

T

[EnigmasMuse]

You have known for some time now that it was possible something might be going on. Now you have proof of emails and pictures being sent, I'm not sure what you're waiting on. Are you waiting to catch them in the act? You alrerady have some proof something is happening. I think if you talk with her about the pictures and emails, she is not going to be able to deny it to well, especially if you have the evidence in hand. Are you afriad of what she might say or not say?

[puzzled]

Ultimatums work if you absolutely make the other person understand in no uncertain circumstances you will follow through. No relenting , no second chance. But you also have to be prepared to do so no matter what the the consequences are.

I've had to do this several times in my life as painful as it was. I felt I was worth more and deserved more than I was being treated. Short term pain for long term gain.

But how would I know? We had a talk last summer and she told me he was just a friend and said that she could invite him and his wife over for dinner. I said that sounded like a good idea. She never did it. I also told her that if was fine for her to have a male friend, just don't hide it from me. She agreed. I told her that I found out because she left her yahoo email account open and I read her email. She apparently believed that.

 

Her response was to create a new yahoo email account which was supposedly secret from me which she used for nothing but emailing him.

 

If I gave her an ultimatum at this point she would know I was spying on her computer, and she could agree to break all contact then correspond with him only from work so that I would never know. I would always be suspicious and there would be no way that I would know if she was careful enough.

 

Last point I'd like to make... Why wait to go for counseling? You should be doing it now to work these issues out. If she won't go with you then go for your own emotional health and piece of mind.

A few years ago I trusted everybody and believed everything that anyone said to me. Now I don't believe anything. I think if we went for counseling because I insisted she would just agree to break contact then do whatever she wanted to do.

 

Yet I realize that I may be completely unfair in thinking this.

 

If there was just some way that I could be completely sure that she had broken contact I would probably be happy and could go on with my life.

[EnigmasMuse]

Her response was to create a new yahoo email account which was supposedly secret from me which she used for nothing but emailing him.

 

 

What does this tell you? She agreed to bring him over with his wife for dinner, she didn't. She also told you he was just a friend and she would break contact with him, she didn't. She is now sending him half naked pictures. What does this tell you?

 

If I gave her an ultimatum at this point she would know I was spying on her computer, and she could agree to break all contact then correspond with him only from work so that I would never know. I would always be suspicious and there would be no way that I would know if she was careful enough.

 

 

So what, if she knows you were spying at this point? Do you feel you had reason to? She wasn't being honest with you. You are about to lose your wife/marriage and you wont speak up? You're right, if you call her out on it, she could hide it it better and not stop seeing him its a chance you take I guess, but are you willing to just sit back and let whatever happen, happen?

 

I'm sorry you're in denial but it seems everytime soemone offers you some advice you are justifying WHY it is you shouldn't tell her or at least let her know, you know something is up.

[puzzled]

You have known for some time now that it was possible something might be going on. Now you have proof of emails and pictures being sent, I'm not sure what you're waiting on. Are you waiting to catch them in the act? You alrerady have some proof something is happening. I think if you talk with her about the pictures and emails, she is not going to be able to deny it to well, especially if you have the evidence in hand. Are you afriad of what she might say or not say?

Yes, I'm afraid of what she might say. I'm afraid that she might say that he's just a friend and that there's nothing going on. And unfortunately I have a problem of giving people the benefit of the doubt when nobody else would.

 

I would be 95% sure that she was lying, yet I would have that 5% doubt. I would be a wimp and say OK, then I would go on feeling the same way that I do now.

 

Here's what I believe the truth is. She's been in love with him for many years (way before she met me). She had an affair with him while she was married to her prior husband (it could have been during a period when they were separated). When she got divorced he was married, so she married me. Then he got divorced, but she wasn't available since she was married to me. So he got married again. He won't divorce his current wife because of financial issues.

 

She thinks what she did before we got married is none of my business. And she's absolutely right, except when it affects our present lives.

[JackJack]

Yes, I'm afraid of what she might say. I'm afraid that she might say that he's just a friend and that there's nothing going on. And unfortunately I have a problem of giving people the benefit of the doubt when nobody else would.

 

I would be 95% sure that she was lying, yet I would have that 5% doubt. I would be a wimp and say OK, then I would go on feeling the same way that I do now.

 

Here's what I believe the truth is. She's been in love with him for many years (way before she met me). She had an affair with him while she was married to her prior husband (it could have been during a period when they were separated). When she got divorced he was married, so she married me. Then he got divorced, but she wasn't available since she was married to me. So he got married again. He won't divorce his current wife because of financial issues.

 

She thinks what she did before we got married is none of my business. And she's absolutely right, except when it affects our present lives.

 

You're afraid she might say he is just a friend and there is nothing going on?

Dude, a "friend" isn't going to send another "friend" pictures of their boobs. Not a married person anyway. She is married, she shouldn't be sending this man pictures like that.

 

Have you read their emails? If so, what kinds of things are in those emails? If he is just a "friend" then do you think she would email him right infront of you?

Why not tell her to invite him and his wife over for dinner one evening. If she says ok but doesn't then you do it. Get to the bottom of whats going on. Or do you really not want to?

[Bryanp]

If the roles were reversed, do you honestly think your wife would put up with such disrespect and betrayal from you? If you do not respect yourself then who will because clealy she does not respect you and your relationship. It is sad that you seem so willing to accept so little in your life.

[Cobra_X30]

Yes, I'm afraid of what she might say. I'm afraid that she might say that he's just a friend and that there's nothing going on. And unfortunately I have a problem of giving people the benefit of the doubt when nobody else would.

 

I would be 95% sure that she was lying, yet I would have that 5% doubt. I would be a wimp and say OK, then I would go on feeling the same way that I do now.

 

Here's what I believe the truth is. She's been in love with him for many years (way before she met me). She had an affair with him while she was married to her prior husband (it could have been during a period when they were separated). When she got divorced he was married, so she married me. Then he got divorced, but she wasn't available since she was married to me. So he got married again. He won't divorce his current wife because of financial issues.

 

She thinks what she did before we got married is none of my business. And she's absolutely right, except when it affects our present lives.

 

It is your business, because you have inherited the baggage from that! You have to now deal with her mental issues from her past behavior.

 

If I could make you understand any one thing its this... You deserve to be loved! Your wife doesnt love you. She doesnt choose you. She chooses to love another man.

 

If you want her to choose you... you have to be willing to show her what she is about to lose! Then maybe she will sit down and think. Honestly though, she may be so selfish that she is a lost cause.

 

Point is, dont be Mr. Backup. Hit her with divorce papers, move her out, start moving on with your life. Smart money says she will begin to realize that you are valuable, and that you wont put up with bieng #2. Thats going to make you a lot more attractive to her!

[reboot]

If I gave her an ultimatum at this point she would know I was spying on her computer, and she could agree to break all contact then correspond with him only from work so that I would never know. I would always be suspicious and there would be no way that I would know if she was careful enough.

Ok, assuming you confronted her and she decided she wanted to stay in the marriage, and this isn't a given, you do understand that?

 

But lets assume she does, and she's truely regretful for what she did, and truely sorry for hurting you. Then...

 

She has to become an open book. She has to let you know where she is at all times. You have to be able to contact her at any time. You have to have access to her cell phone, text messages, email accounts. This is your substitute for the trust she destroyed, and the only way it can ever be rebuilt.

 

Anything less is a deal breaker.

 

She won't like it. But if she won't agree to it, you have to either end the marriage or you're going to be living the life of a worm from now on. Or until she finally walks out at least.

 

Yes, it's invasive, it's intrusive, and you won't enjoy doing it any more than she will want you to do it. But it's necessary.

 

Your argument that confronting her will drive her deeper underground is a good one, but your choices are few. Divorce her, let her turn you into a shell of a man, or force her to become the wife she's supposed to be.

 

Hell, you may not have all those choices. When you confront her, she might just leave. But that's still better than living the life you're living now, IMHO.

 

Good luck.

[puzzled]

If you want her to choose you... you have to be willing to show her what she is about to lose! Then maybe she will sit down and think. Honestly though, she may be so selfish that she is a lost cause.

 

Point is, dont be Mr. Backup. Hit her with divorce papers, move her out, start moving on with your life. Smart money says she will begin to realize that you are valuable, and that you wont put up with bieng #2. Thats going to make you a lot more attractive to her!

 

This is going to sound cruel and perhaps I'm wrong, but I think that she knows what she's would lose. It's my paycheck. I make substantially more money than she does and she would have a hard time living on her salary.

 

Perhaps the only reason that I feel this way is that she has destroyed my self-esteem and perhaps I am wrong. I feel bad about thinking this, but that's the way I feel.

[Cobra_X30]

This is going to sound cruel and perhaps I'm wrong, but I think that she knows what she's would lose. It's my paycheck. I make substantially more money than she does and she would have a hard time living on her salary.

 

Perhaps the only reason that I feel this way is that she has destroyed my self-esteem and perhaps I am wrong. I feel bad about thinking this, but that's the way I feel.

 

Puzzled,

 

Just hearing that hurts MY heart. I can only imagine what that must feel like for you.

 

Is that all your worth to her?

[reboot]

Perhaps the only reason that I feel this way is that she has destroyed my self-esteem and perhaps I am wrong. I feel bad about thinking this, but that's the way I feel.

Been there, done that, look, I'm wearing the t-shirt....

 

You have to trust your gut (we'll leave all the damning evidence out of it for the moment). If your gut is screaming at you, LISTEN. It's rarely wrong. I was where you are, blinders on, refusing to see. It isn't going to get better on it's own. You have to get off your ass and make it better, one way or the other.