jp101 Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 Me and my girlfriend...or ex, i dont know which anymore...have an extremely long history that may just be boring to most of you. I'll try to sum it up best as i can and add in the major details.. We met in highschool, she was always that annoying girl that talked during class that would just glance at me every once in a while. Well middle of the semester comes and our class had to relocate to a new classroom. By some weird chance we end up sitting next to each other. Everyday since then she bothered me for paper and gum, and would rant about how her BF doesn't pay her any attention. I just took it with the thought in the back of my head "will you shut up already" Well, Valentine weekend comes and she comes back on monday saying that he broke up with her. From there on we started to get pretty close. I asked for her phone in a cute attempt to see if she would actually call me. I put my number in her phone and titled it "John from chem class" Well she texts me at work, back and forth for almost 7 hours. When i see her in class a few days later i ask her if she would like to hang out with me some time. We hang out one time and we got cluttered with friends so we had no alone time. The next time we hung out was at a carnival near nighttime. When we got out of my car and i walked over to her out of pure unintentional reaction i grabbed her hand. She smiled at me and looked down. Towards the end of the night we kissed 1 time...then when i dropped her off we kissed a few more times. It always seemed too good to be true. We end up together, and around the 1 year mark an old friend tells her he likes her...this is where our problems truly started. I was already graduated and she was a senior, so i had no way of watching over her in school, though i did pick her up everyday and spent the day with her when i didnt work. At first she tells me she told him she had a bf, then one day she asks me to check her e-mail because she was waiting for a response from her teacher....this is a few months after graduation, the guy moved away. She wrote to him "i wonder if things would be different if you were here...we might of been more than just friends"...at the time this infuriated me. We spend some time apart and she comes back to me saying "i love you more than anything in the world, and if you want me to prove it i'll do whatever" She ended up writing that guy an e-mail saying she cant talk to him anymore. That was the end of our first major problem.. Our 2nd major problem was only about 4 months ago. We were fighting alot, and i came to find out that some other guy she met told her he liked her. We broke up and my friends kept tabs on her for me. They told me she was talking to this guy while we were still dating etc etc. This time was really hard on me because we had just celebrated our 2yr anniversary, then i find out she left me for someone else...For a month i suffered, unable to sleep or eat, lost alot of weight, even ended up hospitalized for mixing pills and alcohol in a sad attempt to reduce the pain. Thing is...she took me to the hospital because i collapsed infront of her, and when i came out of getting checked, she was on the phone with that guy and quickly hung up. I know she was on the phone with him because she gave me the phone to call home and he was on the most recent call list....another month went by and she starts begging for me back. I'm already over her but my feelings came rushing back insanely fast...it took 2 weeks of talking but i took her back... The most recent problem, and the problem we are currently having...on her birthday she went to a nightclub with her friends after a day out with me. She met up with another old friend that moved away. He tells her he likes her and they kiss... i find out they kissed from her cousin 3 weeks later. My gf denies it to her death but i knew in my heart she was lying...Well one day when we were asleep together her phone vibrates. I look at it and its a message from that guy. I see that she had sent him text messages saying "i'll call you in a little bit a friend is here...are you coming over my friend left" etc etc. I knew she was acting weird for those 3 weeks because she wanted me to leave so early some days. I also saw she had a mark on her neck...it wasnt from me. I woke her up and confronted her about it because i had actual proof this time. She cried and cried and swore she didnt mean to do any of it. I just walked out. For a week she begged me to come back to her but i didnt take her back. A couple more weeks pass and she still wants me back. Again we were hanging out and i see messages from him and her again saying "next time im going to leave a mark!" I got tired of it and texted the guy asking him to come over so we can talk. He thought i was her because it was from her phone. He comes over and me and him get into a fight, yet my (ex)GF stays by my side the entire time and tells him to leave. The guy then starts saying shes a f-ing liar, she didnt say she had a bf etc. Then she leaves in her car.... The fights over and just out of relief im holding her trying to let her go to sleep while she cries in my arms. When she goes to sleep i leave. I dont see her again for 4 days.... Yesterday i saw her and i saw in her phone that she is talking to that guys friend saying she likes him but is she a fool for liking him. The friend says hes talking to a girl and he asks who does she like more. She answers him...Finally i break up with her for good this time because i cant deal with someone who is that dishonest to me....one last part though.. Last night her mom had a minor heartattack. I go because i have been with her for almost 4 years and i couldnt let her deal with that on her own. She asks me to spend the night...before she goes to sleep she says "maybe we should spend some time apart...but dont forget about each other" I check her phone one last time as she goes to sleep and she hasnt spoken to the guy since i broke up with her... Im sorry for the extremely long story but i just wanted to get an honest and detailed opinion from others that have gone through this heartache before...I can see that she really does love me, i truly do love her too with all my heart. I was going to ask her to marry me on our 4th anniversary..which doesnt seem like it is going to come...I'm really confussed and so is she...in all honesty...does anyone see any hope in this shattered relationship? Is it worth it to try and fix things together or should some time apart do us good. Its really hard to tell what she is feeling but from what she shows, it seems as though she loves me but she is afraid to commit to one person. Another thing to note is that i am her first love, her first and (supposedly) only sex partner. She swears to her death that she has never had sex with anyone else, but she always swears to her death to my face and lies even when i have proof of the lie...so its hard to say what is true and what is a lie... What should i do...i cant take this heartache anymore..
ninjaturtles Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 I am so sorry you're going through this..a rollercoaster of emotions/re occurence of problems. I am a believer of working things out...I prefer to work things out, nevertheless sometimes taking time out proves better...sometimes people need to live life without eachother, and see if what they had is worth keeping. There is so much to say as your story is very detailed... The 1st is that she is dishonest...Its a shame that you cant tell whether or not she is lying. Now if this had happened only once (i mean her being 'interested' in other guys(or whatever you want to call it), I would have suggested you talk things out and try to work things out etc..Afterall people make mistakes etc Nevertheless, from what you wrote, this is NOT the 1st time its happening....In all honesty, if you 'try to work' things out right now and you get back, 1 month down the line this same issue (of other guys)may crop up..what do you then do? You must love this girl very much as she has cheated on you and tolied with your feelings different times. Even if she did not intentionally mean to hurt you, she is hurting you deeply.. Have you forgotten all the pain you have been gone thru in the past over her dishonesty/cheating? She left you for someone in the past....and has continued cheating (whether emotionally or physically). In all honesty, I would advice you take some time apart. You say you are her only sexual partner etc, she suggested you take some time apart..therefore 'trying to work' things out right now might not be the best approach.Afterall, SHE wants time apart now...I cannot say for a fact that she wants to test the waters, but frankly thats what she has been doing whilst you were still together..(kissing this guy, texting that guy etc). Its unfortunate that you have to got through so much pain, when you are the one being faithful to her...nevertheless if YOU did this to her, how would she react? Would she behave the way you're behaving? I am female and I know that if i loved someone and WANTED TO BE WITH that person, I would not cheat on the person 2CE....(or how many times it was), then to top it u, suggest that time be taken apart.... There are 2 issues....1)loving someone and 2) loving the person and wanting to be with the person at THAT time. I belive that if you love someone , you would want to be with that person at all times, neverthless some people have told me that sometimes you may love someone but you may not want to be with that person at that point in time due to certain circumstances...others have said that somtimes you may love someone but you may not want to hurt the person by cheating on the person and so may want to take time apart from that person to mess around with other people and then come go back to the person he/she loves.....(thier theories not mine) Maybe she knows you love her so much and would take her back no matter what she does...she is getting male attention from other people now, and clearly enjoying it...if she truly loves you, the time you spend apart would draw both of you together somehow..... You say she loves you, I am not questioning that but her behaviour shows otherwise...if you cant trust her enough to tell when she is lying or telling the truth that says a lot..What's a relationship without trust? So many times you have seen messges she sent..she is obviously a bit dodgy..sorry to say. Anyway enough of the waffle....Some people would tell you to break up with her...but i guess i could be weak emotionally and thus belive in making things work unless its impossible not to do so..therefore I would advice you to take a step back......this relationship has problems which need to be worked on....these problems have to do with HER...and until she is ready to change(i.e if she ever will), then you need be apart.. Can you marry someone you dont trust this much? Honestly....Trust is soo vital in a relationships how much more marraige..... Anyway, I would take some time apart if i were you, let her do what she wants...If she is truly yours and you love it eachother, then things would work out later on...Now, you need to let go..SHE herself wants time apart...let her test the waters, let her enjoy this attention from these guys.....you cant stop her from doing this..you need to let her go and let her do what she wants..its very very hard but you cant force someone to be loyal to you.. Dont forget that you've been having problems about her loyalty/trust for a while...the truth is that unless these problems are fixed then your relationship is no way near healty..and marraige shouldnt be on the cards. Its unfortunate that love cant do everything.If she loves as you think she does, despite both of you taking some time apart....things would work out... Maybe she wants to be free after being with you for so long..just maybe...nevertheless you need to let go and let her be. It must be so hard for you, but a lot of people here have been through similar experiences...i have as well. My ex (who was my 1st), did these kind of things your girlfriend did to you..i tried so hard to make it work etc..the truth was that we just needed time apart, i needed to set him free..i know he loved me and i loved him, but the same thing that happend with your girl happened to me as well....We eventually split( about 3 years ago)..dated diffrent people etc, and even though HE split with me, he came back about 8 months later, I had actaully moved on and up till today he keeps telling me he wants to marry me etc...He keeps saying that no one else compares to me etc...(Although at the moment i am going through a breakup with another ex, my recent ex so I dont really love my former ex the way i loved him in the past) Another thing is my former ex is in another country..(about 3 hrs away) so things are not as str8tfowrd..nevertheless the ball is in my court and if i wanted to work things out today, then all i need to is say yes...Its all at my discretion. Iv written so much..I guess what im trying to say is that sometimes we need to set the ones we love free..let her go out there (its what she wants anway) and test the world..sometimes it take dating other people to actaully appreciate people we dumped/left/split up with etc. If she loves you, I guess things would work themselves out with time..but she needs to change her ways big time!!! XXXX STAY strong..its so hard .......i know.xxxx ps- For advice on how to deal with breakups/breaks etc, read threads...things such as LC/NC are often suggested, keeping busy etc.. You sound like such a good man...Its her loss, not yours( you may not feel that way now though)..Give it some time apart...time does wonders..it could bring bring about reconciliation, leading to a stronger relationship or it could do the opposite, it all depends on the genuine feeling of both parties..it takes two to make tit work..Dont forget that...you've done your best......if she is truly yours.........(finish the sentence).xxxx
Author jp101 Posted October 31, 2007 Author Posted October 31, 2007 What you say is exactly what i felt...i need to let her go. She cant have me back whenever she wants to, its not healthy for me to go through those mind games.... One problem i have though is it is difficult to stop talking to her, simply because we work together...so what should i do? Obviously stopping all contact with her is out of the question, making this a bit more difficult to cope with...that and she still texts me about her mom. Its very difficult to ignore her right now just because of the matters that she is going through and i cant really come to let her deal with this alone... How should i go about letting her go..
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