new_stella Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 My son caught me looking at a kinky porn site! He was shocked, but hasn't mantioned it since. I'm so upset. What do I do now? Any ideas? Anyone?
popey Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 how old is he? are you married? single? what happened when he caught you?
Author new_stella Posted October 31, 2007 Author Posted October 31, 2007 how old is he? are you married? single? what happened when he caught you? He is 15. I’m married. Nothing really happened. He looked at it for a few seconds (before I closed the window) and was like ‘what???’ And then left the room. That’s all. I can't believe I let this happen.
Ocean-Blue Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 Oh wow, I'm sorry that happened. That's mortifying. Could you possibly talk to him about it? Do you have the kind of relationship where you can discuss porn? Maybe ask him how he feels about all of it?
popey Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 ok, 15 is not so bad. I definitley think a talk is in order, and IMHO, it should not be an apologetic guilty talk. But your husband she be spoken to first, asap if that is a reasonable option.
Author new_stella Posted October 31, 2007 Author Posted October 31, 2007 I have no idea what to tell him. I’m not completely sure how I feel about porn ( I had some issues with it in the past) We are quite close, but I still have no idea how to approach this
Ocean-Blue Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 I have no idea what to tell him. I’m not completely sure how I feel about porn ( I had some issues with it in the past) We are quite close, but I still have no idea how to approach this Perhaps you could discuss this with your H first? He may be helpful in dealing with your son. As the other poster said, do not be apologetic about watching porn. However, if you've been vocal about the evils of porn...well then you may have to talk to your son about why you have since changed your stance (you don't want him to think of you as a hypocrite). This may be a learning experience for both of you.
Lyssa Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 First of all, did you look at it because you were curious or it popped out when you were browsing? Who else uses the computer? Maybe he probably used it to surf on porn and was shocked that you found out? I don't know what else to think.. I'm not helping, am I??
Author new_stella Posted October 31, 2007 Author Posted October 31, 2007 I never expressed my views on porn to anyone but my H, so that’s not the problem. But I still have no idea what exactly to tell him.
popey Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 i think that if you have the fortune of having a close relationship with your son, you wouldn't want all that to be jeopardized by him possibly feeling like it has all been a sham b/c he doesn't even know who you are. better to talk it out, as uncomfortable a prospect as it may be. like Ocean said, you may grow and learn together which could turn out to be beneficial in the end. i think you should not let it linger.
Lyssa Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 I don't know about others but I would feel more comfortable hearing about it from my mother (seeing that I am a girl) so maybe it is best if your H spoke to him? Or both of you can?
Author new_stella Posted October 31, 2007 Author Posted October 31, 2007 First of all, did you look at it because you were curious or it popped out when you were browsing? Who else uses the computer? Maybe he probably used it to surf on porn and was shocked that you found out? I don't know what else to think.. I'm not helping, am I?? Nice try, but no... He has his own computer and never use ours. Plus it's not him or anyone else for that matter - I was the one who did all the searching and looking
Lyssa Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 Nice try, but no... He has his own computer and never use ours. Plus it's not him or anyone else for that matter - I was the one who did all the searching and looking I thought so I wasn't helping! Hmmm.. then like I said earlier, maybe you can both talk to him or just your H. I can see why you would want to since he saw you looking at it. I think this is the situation like this that I am not looking forward to when I have kids!
Ocean-Blue Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 Nice try, but no... He has his own computer and never use ours. Plus it's not him or anyone else for that matter - I was the one who did all the searching and looking You know, if you sat down to talk to him...you both may end up laughing quite hard - a great way to relieve the stress this incident has no doubt caused. You may want to start by asking him what he thinks of what happened. Here's an example of what you could say to him: MOM: So...that was a bit awkward, having you walk in like that. I'm sure you have a bunch of thoughts and questions running through your head right now. Want to tell me how you feel about it? You're my son and I don't want us to pretend that nothing happened. Sometimes, these things happen and I think we should talk about it. So what do you say? He may not feel comfortable having a discussion right away. If that's the case, let him know you understand and will discuss at a latter date (perhaps when he's more ready). And then there's always a letter/email. But I think a face-to-face conversation is best.
Author new_stella Posted October 31, 2007 Author Posted October 31, 2007 I know you’re right about talking with him... That must be the right thing to do, but how do you approach this – I simply can’t find anything, even close to appropriate, in this situation. You can’t just tell a 15 yo ‘honey, mommy likes to be spanked in bed’ Somehow it sounds like it can make more damage that good.
popey Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 I really think if you are cool about it, it could go a long way. He probably doesn't want to talk about it, but the fact that you do may make him feel so much more at ease about talking to you about things he might otherwise have feared. I agree with Lyssa too, your H being involved could be very helpful. Just picture H saying, "Ok, so you saw mom looking at porn. lets talk about sexuality."
Ocean-Blue Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 I know you’re right about talking with him... That must be the right thing to do, but how do you approach this – I simply can’t find anything, even close to appropriate, in this situation. You can’t just tell a 15 yo ‘honey, mommy likes to be spanked in bed’ Somehow it sounds like it can make more damage that good. Here's the thing... This may be a great time for you to have "the talk"...and also help your son learn that his mother too is a sexual creature. It doesn't have to be an uncomfortable conversation, you know? Don't allow your preconceived notions about sex cloud your mind when talking to your son. You are a sexual creature - there is no escaping that. Perhaps it's time for your son to learn that there is nothing wrong with that. That you enjoy watching "kinky porn" is irrelevant. You can simply tell him that you were in fact looking at porn. There is NO NEED to discuss the specific nature of the porn - it is extraneous to the topic at hand (that being you like watching porn). Be general when you discuss what he saw. What is important is that he may be feeling uncomfortable with his mother watching something such as porn. Allow him to ask questions...this will help him get out any concerns or issues he has. It's also a good idea to let him know that your H is aware that you watch (may help him realize that it's a normal healthy thing to do). I'd sit down and jot a few notes down (sounds technical, I know...but I'm sure it'd help). This way, you'll stay focused and won't steer too far off the topic. Trust me, your son is lucky if you actually sit down and talk to him. Too many parents would allow their shame to eclipse the fact that their child is feeling "strange" about the whole thing - they'd simply sweep it under the proverbial rug. You're a good mom for wanting to talk to him!
Author new_stella Posted October 31, 2007 Author Posted October 31, 2007 I’d feel a bit better if it was just ‘regular’ porn. I don’t know how I can even bring myself to talk about ‘that side’ of my sexuality to my son. I mean, the start of the conversation is good, but I’m totally unprepared to answer any question that may arise. Oh God! In 15 years I’ve never felt so helpless
Ocean-Blue Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 I’d feel a bit better if it was just ‘regular’ porn. I don’t know how I can even bring myself to talk about ‘that side’ of my sexuality to my son. I mean, the start of the conversation is good, but I’m totally unprepared to answer any question that may arise. Oh God! In 15 years I’ve never felt so helpless You gotta get the H involved in this. By that, you need to talk to your H before you approach your son - he may help you approach it in a sensitive manner. Like popey said, this may help your son feel for comfortable talking to you about other things. But like I said before, don't focus on the spanking part. Trust me, he probably just saw PORN and froze. Kid probably didn't have enough time to process what he was seeing. In his mind, he saw his mother looking at porn. I'd hazard a guess and say that his feelings wouldn't change regardless of the type of porn. Good luck to you.
Author new_stella Posted October 31, 2007 Author Posted October 31, 2007 Here's the thing... This may be a great time for you to have "the talk"...and also help your son learn that his mother too is a sexual creature. It doesn't have to be an uncomfortable conversation, you know? Don't allow your preconceived notions about sex cloud your mind when talking to your son. You are a sexual creature - there is no escaping that. Perhaps it's time for your son to learn that there is nothing wrong with that. That you enjoy watching "kinky porn" is irrelevant. You can simply tell him that you were in fact looking at porn. There is NO NEED to discuss the specific nature of the porn - it is extraneous to the topic at hand (that being you like watching porn). Be general when you discuss what he saw. What is important is that he may be feeling uncomfortable with his mother watching something such as porn. Allow him to ask questions...this will help him get out any concerns or issues he has. It's also a good idea to let him know that your H is aware that you watch (may help him realize that it's a normal healthy thing to do). I'd sit down and jot a few notes down (sounds technical, I know...but I'm sure it'd help). This way, you'll stay focused and won't steer too far off the topic. Trust me, your son is lucky if you actually sit down and talk to him. Too many parents would allow their shame to eclipse the fact that their child is feeling "strange" about the whole thing - they'd simply sweep it under the proverbial rug. You're a good mom for wanting to talk to him! Well, thanks We are fairly open parents and now that I’m thinking about it, I remember that porn actually popped into conversation once or twice. Just casually, nothing heavy. And after talking to you, I think I could handle the porn part – it’s the kinky part that is mortifying for me. I can’t seem to be able to discuss that. What if he specifically asks about it? He must have seen everything…
Ocean-Blue Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 Well, thanks We are fairly open parents and now that I’m thinking about it, I remember that porn actually popped into conversation once or twice. Just casually, nothing heavy. And after talking to you, I think I could handle the porn part – it’s the kinky part that is mortifying for me. I can’t seem to be able to discuss that. What if he specifically asks about it? He must have seen everything… Considering his age, I don't think you really need to discuss the kinky part too much. However, if he brings it up, tell him that you were merely surfing, wondering what sort of porn is out there. You can tell him that you couldn't help but watch this particular one because it was fascinating. You can talk to him about how interesting human sexuality is and how much you've learned simply by surfing. So basically, you tell a little white lie. You tell him that it was a part of the discovery process for you - and you merely stopped on this one because it caught your attention (as in, it intrigued you).
popey Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 curiosity? how lilberating is that for a 15 y/o? his parents understand that sometimes your curious about things, even if they might seem "deviant". Sexuality isnt bad. Your parents aren't perfect angels, and they don't expect you to be either. Lets just always talk things through, and try not to wrong others. Sounds pretty damned good to me.
Author new_stella Posted October 31, 2007 Author Posted October 31, 2007 You know what Ocean-Blue, that may be the best approach. You’re a genius! Thanks so much everyone, I feel so much better now. I know what to do and I feel (reasonably) comfortable with talking about the incident. Thanks!
Ocean-Blue Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 You know what Ocean-Blue, that may be the best approach. You’re a genius! Thanks so much everyone, I feel so much better now. I know what to do and I feel (reasonably) comfortable with talking about the incident. Thanks! Good luck stella. Let us know how it goes.
Recommended Posts