fever to tell Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 mean "I'm not looking for commitment... with YOU"??
oppath Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 Yes, it means with you. It doesn't mean they will commit to anyone else if they met someone though. Sometimes people do not want relationships. Can you give more context? Is this someone you have dated for a while? Someone you haven't gone on a date with yes? I can tell you this much: if you've dated someone for a while and they use that line, they will never commit to you. If they say it early in the dating game, it's probably applied generally to all men/women, you included. So if you are at the point where you think you want commitment/exclusivity, and the person doesn't want commitment right now, walk away.
Lyssa Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 Honestly, I used to use that line on some guys when I was younger, not that I am so old now - lol. About two years ago, I decided to lay it out in the open and just tell them straight that I do not want any commitment with them because I just don't think we are compatible in so many levels.
oppath Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 Honestly, I used to use that line on some guys when I was younger, not that I am so old now - lol. About two years ago, I decided to lay it out in the open and just tell them straight that I do not want any commitment with them because I just don't think we are compatible in so many levels. That is pertinent information. I think a lot of people leave that information out.
Author fever to tell Posted October 31, 2007 Author Posted October 31, 2007 Well, I'm a Freshmen in college and so it the guy. We started out as good friends, hooked up once, he invited me to his house for Thanksgiving, but then nothing else happened for a few weeks. One time he tried to ask me how I felt but I was unsure at the time so I gave an unclear answer. Then we started hooking up conistently for a week or two, sleeping over in each others beds and cuddling and such. At one point I asked him what made him happy and he said 'you.' THEN all of a sudden he started acting weird. I thought maybe he was being awkward/ unsure of my feelings again like he was before. I had the feeling he was avoiding me at parties, but didn't think this was possible as he had no reason to. One drunken night I knocked on his door and he was hooking up with a guy. Ha. This didnt bother me because I wasnt concerned with commitment and I know he is bisexual/ figuring out his orientation. Sunday night I got a text message asking if I wanted to go somewhere and talk. I couldnt possibly fathom what he wanted to talk about. He apologized for being mean to me, which in retrospect pisses me off ALT because it means he was aware he was being mean to me and avoiding me intentionally whereas I couldn't believe he would be that immature before. Then he asked what I wanted, and in response I asked well waht do you want? And he said he is not looking for commitment because he is going through a weird transitional phase and doesn't like to be tied down, is exploring his sexualy, and has been depressed lately, yadda yadda. I respect all of that and told him I wasnt looking for commitment either but would have been open to the idea. WHich is true. We left it on a very amicable note and I even had to argue with him to take his hoodie that he had lent me back because he wanted to leave it and pick it up later. HOWEVER the more I think about it the more annoyed I am by the fact that he intentionally avoided me. I do not want to give him the satisfaction of knowing I am annoyed, but do I have the right to not want to be friends with him anymore? In general I feel a bit lead on, and mistreated. How sincere could he ever have been? Its hard not to take it personally. My friend said that this guy may not be looking for commitment, but if the right girl came along he would have commited, and basically he doesnt think I was good enough for him. I just wanted some other perspectives on this.
Author fever to tell Posted October 31, 2007 Author Posted October 31, 2007 OH! I forgot a major part of it is that he said he got freaked out because things were moving too fast. Even though that was all him, not me
Author fever to tell Posted October 31, 2007 Author Posted October 31, 2007 Honestly, I used to use that line on some guys when I was younger, not that I am so old now - lol. About two years ago, I decided to lay it out in the open and just tell them straight that I do not want any commitment with them because I just don't think we are compatible in so many levels. Come to think of it, I HAVE used that line on guys before when it just meant 'with you.' OOOOH NOOOOOOOOOO haha
oppath Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 Believe him. He does not want a relationship with you. Now, that does not mean he will commit to the perfect girl for him tomorrow. It really does not. You do have a right to feel upset and possibly lead on. My last gf, we dated exclusively, she told me she thought I was the guy she was going to marry, but broke it off after 6 months because "I'm not emotionally ready for a relationship, it's not you, it's me. I've always been in relationships and I need to be single." I told her straight up "that means you don't want a relationship with me, you don't think I am the guy, and your feelings have changed. Just tell me that. Tell me the truth." She didn't, she persisted that "if I wanted a relationship with anyone, it would be with you. It has nothing to do with a lack of feelings; I'm giving up maybe the most amazing relationship of my life" Nope. No way, because a woman wouldn't give that up. She wanted to date others. Be glad you are getting out of this now, rather than after you've had commited and been told I love you. Did he lead you on? Maybe. that's a tough one. Never presume it is heading towards a relationship unless it feels like he is courting you. He has some responsibility, but so do you. You do have a right to be angry and to not be his friend.
popey Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 I think it usually means... not ready for commitment with you, but not always. I have sincerely used those words and meant just that. I have not been ready for commitment, and men have hung in there, and the result was a long term relationship. But i do not think this is the norm. Sorry if this is not so helpful, but true.
Trimmer Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 Other than his avoiding you for a time, can you clarify where you feel you were led on and/or mistreated? Is it possible that everything he told you really was as sincere as he was able to be? From what he said, he sounds like a young man, experimenting and trying to figure out his sexuality at a time of life that is immensely confusing for males and females both. You, yourself say you gave an "unclear" answer when he asked you how you felt. Were you insincere or leading him on? I don't think so; I think relationships are just damn confusing at this age, and it's hard to figure out what you want, what you are doing, how you should act, all kinds of stuff. You say you knew he was experimenting and exploring his sexual orientation, etc., so it sounds like you guys hadn't discussed the issue of commitment, or at least hadn't agreed on anything... So, how was he leading you on? Once you did discuss it, you agreed that you weren't looking for commitment either... How did you get mistreated or misled? You guys came to an agreement on a fundamental relationship issue here! If your main beef is that he was avoiding you, then I can understand some irritation, but it sounds like you think it was some kind of a manipulative game for him: I do not want to give him the satisfaction of knowing I am annoyed... Why in the world would you think he would get satisfaction out of that? My guess instead: he's a college freshman trying to figure out, among other things, his sexual orientation. Even without that, he's going to be pretty confused about relationship issues. He's probably not getting satisfaction out of your annoyance, he is probably embarrassed at his confusion, handled it by withdrawing, and realized in retrospect that he didn't handle it very well - thus his apology for "being mean." Bottom line: Is it possible he has been as sincere as possible with you, but layered over and under that is some very age-appropriate confusion and clumsiness about relationships, love, sex, commitment, etc? This is an insane time for young adults. For both of you, this is a lot to handle in the first couple months of college... Expect confusion.
jcster Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 I don't think that it's always the case that it's about you. I know that I've said similar things, and it was more about where my head was at than any rejection of the other person. Quite frankly, when I don't want to be in a relationship, no one really appeals to me that much, so don't take it too personally. This guy sounds like he's trying to be responsible to you and not lead you on - he's obviously working some things out for himself, and expanding his sexual horizons, so again, don't take it personally.
Author fever to tell Posted October 31, 2007 Author Posted October 31, 2007 Other than his avoiding you for a time, can you clarify where you feel you were led on and/or mistreated? If your main beef is that he was avoiding you, then I can understand some irritation, but it sounds like you think it was some kind of a manipulative game for him: Thats exactly why I'm annoyed. The thread was made wondering if his excuse for ending it was true or not, but that doesnt reflect my annoyance. Either way, I understand and respect that he doesn't want commitment, I'm jusst curious and feel a little rejected. What bothers me is that he apologized for beign mean to me, meaning that he was consciouslly aware of doing something wrong whereas I attributed it to awkwardness. When he apologized and I was confused and said, "well... you werent blatantly mean?' and he was like "Oh I guess I overestimated what I was doing I thought I hurt your feelings." Also, I've seen him in another situation where he stopped liking this girl, and talked **** about her to all of his friends. I feel like theres the possibility it looked like I was a desperate idiot following him around when everyone else knew he wanted nothing to do wtih me at all. I apreciate everyones insight and it seems like in this case he really IS going through a very confusing time. His excuse may or may not be true... either way, I'm moving on.
Author fever to tell Posted November 1, 2007 Author Posted November 1, 2007 OK I had class with him today and he said hi and all that but we didn't really talk. Does he feel guilty? Or just not like me at all (as a person)? Should I be more pissed?
Lyssa Posted November 1, 2007 Posted November 1, 2007 OK I had class with him today and he said hi and all that but we didn't really talk. Does he feel guilty? Or just not like me at all (as a person)? Should I be more pissed? I wouldn't read too much into that. He sounds like a jerk anyway. He talked about another girl to his friends, what makes you think he wouldn't do the same? I would just stay out of his way and get myself busy with other people. Show him you're not bothered by him or his attitude.
Author fever to tell Posted November 1, 2007 Author Posted November 1, 2007 I wouldn't read too much into that. He sounds like a jerk anyway. He talked about another girl to his friends, what makes you think he wouldn't do the same? I would just stay out of his way and get myself busy with other people. Show him you're not bothered by him or his attitude. Yeah, thats waht Ive been doing basically. I trusted him because we were good friends and first and didn't think he would turn on me, but I guess I should have known better.
Recommended Posts