What is the best way to keep a friendship with a man going through divorce???

[PattyDuke]

Not getting much support in the other forums, was hoping I'd get some advice here.

 

We are both in our late 20s; he's been separated a year and the divorce is pending. He's in love with his wife, admits that's lessening, though, and that he is in 'acceptance' phase. We became fast friends and are attracted to each other in a serious way (we've been intimate but agreed to step away). I realize he isn't ready to date and he won't act on the attraction because he doesn't want to "hurt either one of us". (though he once made a reference to waiting on our friendship and seeing if something real develops). In the last week, though, he has started referring to his soon to be ex by her name, instead of calling her 'my wife'. I haven't pointed out this significant change. My question: have any of you remained friends with a man going through this, a man you share a mutual connection with? What happened? How do you maintain your sanity? How do not give in the attraction and ruin the friendship?

[nadiaj2727]

I don't think it's possible to do without getting hurt yourself. Men going through divorce experience so many different emotions and confusion. They don't even know what they want and they always change their minds. This could be a generalization but it sounds true for your divorcing friend.

 

Also when you write he's been separated a year and the divorce is pending, what does that mean? My xMM told me the divorce was "pending" and I later found out it meant, "I want divorced but I don't have the balls to file for it, so it's pending in the sense that I'm waiting for her to feel like doing it, and she doesn't want to do it."

 

I don't think they mean to be weak or indecisive or deceptive, it's just part of what happens because they feel like failures and they're depressed and it forces them to be self-focused and to dillude themselves with fantasies instead of reality. However I would advise you to not believe what you hear from married/ separated "pending divorce" men... instead, believe what you SEE. Is he really living a completely separate life from her or is he still emotionally all tangled up with her life? Do they live apart? Does he go to where she lives for any reason (besides genuinely practical stuff like SIGNING the papers lol), or does she come to his? Has he FILED for divorce?

 

I've learned the hard way that "separated" is so subjective, there's no way to tell what it actually means. Some men actually THINK (my xMM even told me) that because they no longer FEEL married, in their own MIND, they are "separated." Believe me, this is NOT what the wife is often thinking is going on. I would say very few people are actually "separated" in the sense that they are realistically free to start dating another person and be available to them as one person instead of TWO (the "separated" MM and his W). I think if they are legally separated, okay, or if they live pretty far apart and they no longer have any contact except for very practical matters. This information can't just come from MM, it has to be verified by an objective source. One good test (which my xMM failed, and which raised my red flags) is if OTHER people think they are separated or still married/ living together (my xMM had moved out but NO ONE knew!!), and if the W knows he is seeing other people (my xMM's W asked him after he moved out if he was seeing someone else and he said no so as "not to hurt her or make things messy".... how actually "separated" is that?!). I think "separated" has to mean that each partner is truly living a separate life which means they are not afraid to tell the other partner they are dating or seeing someone else.

 

I think you are smart to at least realize you shouldn't become emotionally or physically involved. If you can remain friends without doing that, okay, but it sounds like the attraction is very tempting. Just protect yourself and set boundaries that you DO NOT CROSS no matter what. Later you will either find that the friendship develops into something more once he really knows what he wants, or you might find that the feelings/ attractions were artificial and based on his desire to escape from reality and your well-intended desire to "help" and "support" someone going through a difficult time.

 

Good luck to you. ~Nadia.

[outofdarkness]

Not getting much support in the other forums, was hoping I'd get some advice here.

 

We are both in our late 20s; he's been separated a year and the divorce is pending. He's in love with his wife, admits that's lessening, though, and that he is in 'acceptance' phase. We became fast friends and are attracted to each other in a serious way (we've been intimate but agreed to step away). I realize he isn't ready to date and he won't act on the attraction because he doesn't want to "hurt either one of us". (though he once made a reference to waiting on our friendship and seeing if something real develops). In the last week, though, he has started referring to his soon to be ex by her name, instead of calling her 'my wife'. I haven't pointed out this significant change. My question: have any of you remained friends with a man going through this, a man you share a mutual connection with? What happened? How do you maintain your sanity? How do not give in the attraction and ruin the friendship?

The best way is to stay away from him as long as he is still legally married..

[frannie]

... He's in love with his wife... he doesn't want to "hurt either one of us".

 

I'd be careful... if he still loves her and doesn't want to hurt her, that's very dodgy ground as far as you're concerned.

 

Try not to see him as potential mate material until he's well and truly dealt with these issues. Because the way it looks, IF his W changed her mind, he is extremely likely to high-tail it back in her direction.

[outofdarkness]

I'd be careful... if he still loves her and doesn't want to hurt her, that's very dodgy ground as far as you're concerned.

 

Try not to see him as potential mate material until he's well and truly dealt with these issues. Because the way it looks, IF his W changed her mind, he is extremely likely to high-tail it back in her direction.

Yep...many are "cake eaters"...If I were an OW, knowing what I know now, I would be VERY clear that he's not dateable or even friendship material until he is legally single. It's just too messy...

[norajane]

I agree with frannie.

 

Think of it this way - if you met a single man and he said he's still in love with his ex gf, would you pin your hopes on him and spend all kinds of time with him?

 

Keep your distance, don't become his sole source of support, don't become his band-aid, don't become the woman who gets him through his divorce. He's going to go back and forth in his head a lot of times, bouncing between his love for his wife and his pain at losing her. If you stay too close, he'll associate with you that, and even if he does get a divorce one day, it won't be you he turns to - you won't be sexy to him, you'll be a reminder of how weak he was at that time in his life.