evenerml Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 I have been with my partner for 2 years. I first met him and he was married and had a 9month old. Now they are divorced and the child is now 3. Everything has ben fine, untill now. He and her are taking there child out together for holloween. This is the first year there doing this. Should i feel the way i do? they say they should spend the holidays together for the child so he can see mommy and daddy together. what should I do? I need help!!!!!!!!
Citizen Erased Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 I can see why they are doing this, and it is commendable. But you have to prepare yourself for them reconciling. They have a small child and that in itself is a bond. It is wrong of you to try and interfere with how they raise that child, if they think they should get together for Halloween for the child, that is their decision as parents. It may happen that they get together, and it may not. That is the risk you should have known you were undertakingn when starting a relationship with someone when he isn't even divorced.
Author evenerml Posted October 31, 2007 Author Posted October 31, 2007 This is just this year! they had no problem spliting the holidays last year. I cant even go with him to pick up or drop the child off with him.
norajane Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 Halloween is a fun time for kids, and it's not surprising both of them want to be there to see their child in his little costume having his first Halloween. It's not so the child can see mommy and daddy together - this time it's about them having this "first time" experience with their child. The other issues - you not being able to pick up/drop off the child with him - are separate from their kid's first Halloween.
Letranger Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 Well, they are divorced. And the child loves his mommy and daddy. And that child, I bet, wishes they were still together. Give the child this one night. I would back off and let it go. That child comes first before you, in your man's eyes. And thats how it should be in my opinion.
lost4ever Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 Though I agree, them spending time together for the child is good (in away) This is not right...Why can't you be there? You are now a part of his life, and that includes time with the child, if the XW can't handle you being around her with the child, then they have no reason to be together with the child.... She is using this situation (the child) as a form of control over her XH and your relationship, He needs to make it clear you are a part of his life and you WILL be around
whichwayisup Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 if the XW can't handle you being around her with the child, then they have no reason to be together with the child.... She is using this situation (the child) as a form of control over her XH and your relationship, He needs to make it clear you are a part of his life and you WILL be around It actually sounds like a joint decision between him and his ex. I think putting all the blame on his ex is silly. If he really wanted his new partner to be there, it wouldn't be a big deal. they say they should spend the holidays together for the child so he can see mommy and daddy together. what should I do? I need help!!!!!!!!
lost4ever Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 If he really wanted his new partner to be there, it wouldn't be a big deal. I agree with this statement wasn't trying to make it sound like all the XW fault, What I am trying to say is he is the only one that can change the situation.....She (OW) deals with the man, She needs to tell the man that HE needs to tell the XW that OW is part of HIS life now. Man is going to start saying the line, but my XW doesn't want you around, she thinks it should just be me and her and son...(do you think most men will voice there own opinion, or just make it sound like the women is making them do it?)
whichwayisup Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 they say they should spend the holidays together for the child so he can see mommy and daddy together. And sadly for the OP, it seems he is putting his child's needs above his own and even though the OP may not like what is going on, and he's not handling it well, one thing is obvious, he isn't considering her feelings. they had no problem spliting the holidays last year. I cant even go with him to pick up or drop the child off with him. Then something has changed between them. If he was completely serious about you then he would stand up to his ex and explain to her that you aren't going anywhere, and try to get her to see the positives of having a stepmom, and being loved by everyone together. He hasn't done that, so you need to ask him why and find out what is going on. All you can do now is ask for 100% honesty from him and hope he tells you the truth. If he is making plans on getting back together with his ex, you have a right to know.
Ladyjane14 Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 You are now a part of his life, and that includes time with the child, if the XW can't handle you being around her with the child, then they have no reason to be together with the child.... You know, this is the part that so many OWs just can't seem to wrap their minds around... the fact that it's NEVER incumbent upon the wife to forgive or normalize relations with the OW. The wife owes NOTHING to the OW, not even courtesy, because it's the OW who has struck the first blow, establishing herself as an enemy of the family. For the sake of the kids and memories of the past, many women will forgive the ex-husband and include him in social or family functions, but there are no such incentives regarding the OW. She is using this situation (the child) as a form of control over her XH and your relationship, He needs to make it clear you are a part of his life and you WILL be around Why should the wife have her own evening spoiled by the presence of the OP? It's a bit of an assumption to believe it's anything more than that. Who knows?... she might give a sh*t less what her ex does at this point. Odds are better that she just doesn't want this special family event marred by the intrusion of an interloper. IOW, it's more likely that she just doesn't like her. The OP might consider herself to be part of her boyfriend's family, but hey... there are TWO families now. The other is headed by the former wife. Adultery seldom results in one, big, happy family, you know. If it's an event that he hosts himself, as the head of his own family... fine, she can shove her way in. If it's his ex-wife's event, then hey, it's bad manners to crash a party without an invite. Of course, she's perfectly free to keep on rattling his cage and showing her insecurities. I kind of doubt it's going to keep her out of the 97% whose post-affair relationships go BOOM though if that's her choice. One of the more common reasons a MM cheats in the first place is that he doesn't like confrontations. So, an OW who lands her MM and wants to be included in the 3%, would probably do well to cater to that dynamic. Part and parcel with the territory, I suppose. Ah well, we create our own monsters, don't we?
bish Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 I have been with my partner for 2 years. I first met him and he was married and had a 9month old. Now they are divorced and the child is now 3. Everything has ben fine, untill now. He and her are taking there child out together for holloween. This is the first year there doing this. Should i feel the way i do? they say they should spend the holidays together for the child so he can see mommy and daddy together. what should I do? I need help!!!!!!!! Sorry, you need to just sit and take it. You decided to involve yourself with a married man. He has to deal with his ex for the kids.
bish Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 Though I agree, them spending time together for the child is good (in away) This is not right...Why can't you be there? You are now a part of his life, and that includes time with the child, if the XW can't handle you being around her with the child, then they have no reason to be together with the child The X shouldn't have a problem with the OW around her child, as long as she isn't a drug addict or something, but there is absolutely NO reason the X, her man and her need to be at the same holiday functions together. The OW can be around the child on THEIR time, not the X's time.
laliquel Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 The ex doesn't get "her" time anymore, they are done. So your man needs to put his foot down and include you in his life child and all. The ex is not respecting her exhusband's new life and neither is he is allowing himself to be respected, sorry but he sounds like a pushover. As per the exwife it sounds like this Halloween night is for her not her child, as most exes will use these type of situations to manipulate their exes and become a thorn in the new partner's side and they do it just for kicks. She needs to grow up and get her own life instead of trying to grasp at her exhusband so pathetically as she is, using her son and a silly holliday like Halloween as an excuse. I will never understand people who beg once they have been shown they are no longer wanted. This isn't about the child it's about this woman's immature insecurities and jealousies.
Author evenerml Posted October 31, 2007 Author Posted October 31, 2007 I just want to thank everyone for there input. I know that alot of you think that they have the right to spend tonight together as a family, but I dont and yes i did come into this knowing everything but we are getting married and i have the right to be at the holiday functions too. But after all this and him knowning it has hurt my feeling, he told her today that I would be there to today and she wants us to take him out then bring him to her so she can take him out. But I still dont get to go to drop him off. I cant get everything I want. I will have to wait on that. But one thing at a time and I will just have to choose my battles.
laliquel Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 Well that's good news Evenerml, he sounds like he handled that well. You just needed to sit him down and communicate. Glad he got the old baggage out of the way and focused on what matters most, your happiness together. Sounds like she is going to keep pulling cheap shots to interfere, as long as he keeps standing up for you too she'll get the picture eventually. She's history for a reason. She needs a life.
Ladyjane14 Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 The ex doesn't get "her" time anymore, they are done. The former wife's time with HER CHILD is hers to do with as she pleases. So yeah, "her" time is hers, and it's not incumbent upon her to include either her ex or his OW. The ex is not respecting her exhusband's new life and neither is he is allowing himself to be respected. Why would anyone expect that she would? Her life was disrespected first. With that in mind, she owes no particular courtesy to these people anymore. They started it. When you piss with somebody's marriage, you make an enemy. Simple as that. And your new enemy is completely free to hate you... for a day, a month, a year, or FOREVER at their own prerogative. You made your own monster at that point. I will never understand people who beg once they have been shown they are no longer wanted. I must've missed the "begging". It looks to me like the wife simply extended an invitation to her ex, but didn't include the OW. This isn't about the child it's about this woman's immature insecurities and jealousies. Yep. It is. But I think the insecurities in play are on the part of the OW. She'd best hope that the ex isn't truly the vindictive type. Afterall, a long and dangly chain just BEGS to be pulled. If she can get bent out of shape over something as minor as 'trick-or-treating'... she's easy meat.
2sunny Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 his decision to still play the role he's used to - a MM... indicates his priorities.
laliquel Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 Who cares, the bottom line is that the OW wins again and the ex wife is out cold begging for her ex. She can have all the "me and my child time" she wants that's all she is left with her child, so why cut into the life of her ex and new partner? She sounds insecure and lost. Why don't these women just get it that if their husbands cheated on them it means they don't want them, stop begging for love. She needs to grow up and get a life. She acts no differently than any ex who won't take no for an answer and refuses to move on with their life. "Get a life woman" is what I say to her!
White Flower Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 I have been with my partner for 2 years. I first met him and he was married and had a 9month old. Now they are divorced and the child is now 3. Everything has ben fine, untill now. He and her are taking there child out together for holloween. This is the first year there doing this. Should i feel the way i do? they say they should spend the holidays together for the child so he can see mommy and daddy together. what should I do? I need help!!!!!!!! Hi, He has divorced his W and is getting married to you. That means you are now number one, his child comes second, and she is no longer an obligation. He can certainly be congenial with her, and should for the child's sake, but it is entirely wrong for him to exclude you from ANYTHING. You need to make sure he understands where his loyalties are before you marry him. He is obviously confused. And there is no reason to assume that ALL divorced Ws are entitled to nor expected to control how the exH spends time with his children. I could never exclude my H's future W where our children were concerned. You are now a part of this child's family. If they feel it neccessary to be together during holidays for the sake of the child, then they should be together WITH you. Good luck.
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