ankshuss Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 Back story: the first 6 months were my idea of bliss: sex every day, or every other day. Open, loud, sweaty happy dirty wet sex. Then, like on a dime, things turned. For the last 3 and a half years we have had sex only sparingly. Once a week at most. Sometimes once a month. She's a Catholic. Raised by a shamed and bodiless family. And then she was raped by an acquaintance in college. Now she can't open up without flashbacks or shame. I love sex. I love dirty stinky wet sloppy sweaty happy sex. I love it 2 or three times a week. Even more since it's been denied me. Let's try 4 or 5. But now sometimes I don't even want it. And all that sweaty happy stinkiness I used to love doesn't even occur to me. Remember when I used to love to lick ass? No. Menstruation? Maybe we should try in a few days. And I love her too. I want to help. Which is why complaining about this to her, which would only mean guilt on her part, will do us no good. She feels like **** enough already. It takes me an hour to fall asleep most nights. She falls asleep on my chest and then I turn away and masturbate. I love my wife. I won't leave her. We'll get through this I know it. But years is a long time to wait to heal this thing that means so much to me, is so much a part of my self. I think about cheating a lot, just to relieve pressure. Fantasies help. We're in therapy already. We've got strategies and practices and all that stuff. Just needed to vent.
norajane Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 Has she been to an individual counselor to help her deal with the rape? Because that's different from your marital therapy. But, this isn't really making any sense. She didn't have any sex issues for the first 6 months of your marriage. So if it's the rape, then why now? Something else is contributing to her resistance to sex. THAT's what you need to discover in therapy, not just try to push past it with exercises. You didn't need exercises before - it came naturally.
Author ankshuss Posted October 31, 2007 Author Posted October 31, 2007 exercises are a great way to push past what resists us habitually. the 'first six months' was a pattern that had plagued every relationship since her rape. That was the point when it moved past dating to "real". I appreciate your response, but don't think your hardcharging opinion fits in my nuance. better luck next time, slugger.
lonelybird Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 Hi, I don't know if that is because of her ideas concerning her religion, if it is a little bit about her religion, here is the passage Bible talk about sex in a marriage Corinthians 7:2 But because there is so much immorality, every man should have his own wife, and every woman should have her own husband. 7:3 A man should fulfill his duty as a husband, and a woman should fulfill her duty as a wife, and each should satisfy the other's needs. 7:4 A wife is not the master of her own body, but her husband is; in the same way a husband is not the master of his own body, but his wife is. 7:5 Do not deny yourselves to each other, unless you first agree to do so for a while in order to spend your time in prayer; but then resume normal marital relations. In this way you will be kept from giving in to Satan's temptation because of your lack of self-control. and Bible also says 'husband should love their wife like Jesus Christ loves the church, Jesus actually give his life for his church, what kind of love he has for his bride! and maybe you should ask yourself some questions. Did you love your wife as the way she want? Did you care about her as a whole person who has emotional and spiritual needs? Do you know how to well communicate those love and care to her in a effective way? maybe you tried your best, but did you do it in a way she can feel? Sounds she is still under burden and bondage of past, actually her Lord already set her free (spiritually speaking), did she know that? did she heal the past wounds? Does she genuinly like herself? The first thing maybe still heal her from inside, and you can connect with her in a deep spiritual way. when she feel loved and safe and like herself, maybe she will open up to you physically, most women do. Lord heals wounded, his supernatual healing power is amazing, set them free from bondage, did you both try to pray together for same issue. many couples pray through their tough times, and almost all couples who pray together have a successful marriage. No push, the more push, the more likely she become less like to have sex.
Author ankshuss Posted October 31, 2007 Author Posted October 31, 2007 ech. yeah, the part about she was Catholic was to alert you to the fact that she'd been shamed by a religion that preached a sin of the flesh. anybody have a productive comment? Or is this just all about you? Corinthians my arse.
lonelybird Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 ech. yeah, the part about she was Catholic was to alert you to the fact that she'd been shamed by a religion that preached a sin of the flesh. anybody have a productive comment? Or is this just all about you? Corinthians my arse. you don't sound a gentleman, I wonder how you treat your wife. at least you don't respect her religion yes, she maybe has wrong concept about her religion, and many people do. sex itself isn't a sin. but how you use it. you can use sex out of marriage, that become a sin, you can use sex to deprive another person, that become a sin; if your mind is wrapped up all about sex, and forget about how to help others, that become a sin
Author ankshuss Posted October 31, 2007 Author Posted October 31, 2007 I treat her incredibly well. I love her deeply and work every day to make sure she knows that. I don't however have patience for your religion. Find another thread to proselytize please thank you.
lonelybird Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 I treat her incredibly well. I love her deeply and work every day to make sure she knows that. I don't however have patience for your religion. Find another thread to proselytize please thank you. ok, no problem, I guess you treat your wife incredibly well, and don't know how to respect others, insignificant someone like me? but I still feel sorry when there is a chance you can do really good something for her, you don't try. Good luck
Author ankshuss Posted October 31, 2007 Author Posted October 31, 2007 thread hijacker, let someone else answer!
Trimmer Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 thread hijacker, let someone else answer! Answer what? You started with the fact that you are already in therapy, taking steps to fix things, and that you just needed to vent. There, you did it. Then when two different people offered two different opinions and approaches, you were arrogantly dismissive of both of them. It sounds like you have it all figured out, so what is left to answer? After seeing the nature of your responses, who is likely to step forward? You certainly don't have to agree with everyone - or anyone. And you have every right to be as direct, blunt, and arrogant as you please, but don't be surprised if your thread remains relatively quiet as a result. I hope venting helped, and I wish you good luck working things out.
Author ankshuss Posted October 31, 2007 Author Posted October 31, 2007 don't be surprised if your thread remains relatively quiet as a result. true that. heard it coming. never meant to be such a prick. was just surprised and put off by the force of the opinions put forth toward such what I consider a delicate matter. duly noted and now behaving... opine away anyone else still tuned in. I am humbly listening.
norajane Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 Then when two different people offered two different opinions and approaches, you were arrogantly dismissive of both of them. Perhaps it's helping him to vent his frustration and rage at the people who post...
Mr. Lucky Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 Just needed to vent. Well then, mission accomplished. Is there a specific question or POV that you'd like feedback on? Mr. Lucky
Cobra_X30 Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 exercises are a great way to push past what resists us habitually. the 'first six months' was a pattern that had plagued every relationship since her rape. That was the point when it moved past dating to "real". I appreciate your response, but don't think your hardcharging opinion fits in my nuance. better luck next time, slugger. Rape? I think you know where the problem truely lies! The question is what do you plan to do?
Author ankshuss Posted October 31, 2007 Author Posted October 31, 2007 Is there a specific question or POV that you'd like feedback on? Yes. OK I take it back. I didn't write it just to vent. I wrote it seek out the experience and advice of any others with similar situations. I wrote it because I am frustrated every day with no apparent end to my frustration (not for years anyway). Rape? I think you know where the problem truely lies! The question is what do you plan to do? Rape. Religion. Men. Women. Etc. I don't think reducing the problem to one single issue is the way to go here. Nor do I know what I ought to do.
Cobra_X30 Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 Rape. Religion. Men. Women. Etc. I don't think reducing the problem to one single issue is the way to go here. Nor do I know what I ought to do. Dont play coy! Of course most issues are multifaceted. But there are events that are magnifiers and multipliers. You know that. Open and honest communication is a great start for what you ought to do. I dont know if you have that already or not. At some point its going to come down to how strong are you, and how much you can stand by this woman. So tell me what you want to do. That is perhaps the best place to start.
Author ankshuss Posted October 31, 2007 Author Posted October 31, 2007 So tell me what you want to do. That is perhaps the best place to start. What are you, my therapist? I know what I'm going to do. I'm looking to hear from others in similar situations. Not share with you my plans.
Mr. Lucky Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 What are you, my therapist? I know what I'm going to do. I'm looking to hear from others in similar situations. Not share with you my plans.You're smart enough to know that your posting style doesn't exactly encourage people to reach out and help you. Has your W ever been in IC? There may be aspects of this that are solely on her, not things she can work through in a couples setting... Mr. Lucky
Cobra_X30 Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 What are you, my therapist? I know what I'm going to do. I'm looking to hear from others in similar situations. Not share with you my plans. Therapist? What are you expecting to write me a check? At this point its pretty clear that nobody can share with, or you help you. Perhaps you should find somewhere else to be a jerk. Just go crawl back under your rock.
Author ankshuss Posted October 31, 2007 Author Posted October 31, 2007 You're smart enough to know that your posting style doesn't exactly encourage people to reach out and help you. Has your W ever been in IC? There may be aspects of this that are solely on her, not things she can work through in a couples setting... Mr. Lucky IC seems like good advice. I'll bring that up with her. Thanks for having the vision to offer advice despite my terrible attitude Mr. Lucky. I think I better quit while I'm only this far behind. Sorry to have been such an ******* everyone.
lost4ever Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 Then, like on a dime, things turned. For the last 3 and a half years we have had sex only sparingly. Once a week at most. Sometimes once a month. Did you have children during this time? She's a Catholic. Raised by a shamed and bodiless family. And then she was raped by an acquaintance in college. Now she can't open up without flashbacks or shame. I love sex. I love dirty stinky wet sloppy sweaty happy sex. I love it 2 or three times a week. Even more since it's been denied me. Let's try 4 or 5. But now sometimes I don't even want it. And all that sweaty happy stinkiness I used to love doesn't even occur to me. Remember when I used to love to lick ass? No. Menstruation? Maybe we should try in a few days. And I love her too. I want to help. Which is why complaining about this to her, which would only mean guilt on her part, will do us no good. She feels like **** enough already. It takes me an hour to fall asleep most nights. She falls asleep on my chest and then I turn away and masturbate. I love my wife. I won't leave her. We'll get through this I know it. But years is a long time to wait to heal this thing that means so much to me, is so much a part of my self. I think about cheating a lot, just to relieve pressure. Fantasies help. We're in therapy already. We've got strategies and practices and all that stuff. Just needed to vent. Nor do I know what I ought to do. ? I know what I'm going to do. quote] Without more information, no one knows if they have had or are in the same situation as you, so no one can give an opinion. Do you have Children? You said you are both in therapy, what does he/she say? From what you have wrote it sounds like you have a theroy, What is it? Do you think it was her past religion? Do you think it was the rape? Does she show affection in other ways or is she closed off to all affection? It sounds to me like you two get along in most ways, just different sex drives, have you expressed this to her (I seen that you were worried she may take it badly)....
Recommended Posts