Gwyneth Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 Some of you are familiar with my story. As I had mentioned in a previous post of mine, the wife called me five times and chose to breathe in my ear instead of speaking. He (husband, my former lover) chose to give her this whole bs story about who I am, and how he found my phone and he and his coworker used it (I think he thought she would be That stupid to believe this). Well, she's a woman, and she didn't believe that (maybe Men think us women are That stupid to believe such rubbish?) In September, she was angry with him about 1000 text messages and wanted to know who he exchanged them with. He said he found this girls phone (that would me me) and that he and his coworker used it. Obviously it didn't occur to him that his wife would wonder Why the "girl" didn't just cancel her phone number and / or account. Then also in September, she walked up behind him as he was emailing me--she demanded his password and now he has new email account that he sends me emails from that wife doesn't know about (yet at least...). Well in October, the phone bill came again and she called the phone company and found out who he text messages all the time (not even sure How she was able to find that information out). So then she called me, and finally reached my VM and found out my name. So today he told me she asks him all the time who Gwyneth is. I know why, but I want to hear others' assumptions / answers about Why she keeps asking him who I am. Also, why hasn't she kicked him to the curb yet? One day he tells me things between them are bad, next day he'll tell me things are better--then adds "but she keeps asking who Gwyneth is." He's still feeding her the same lie. I told him to knock the lying off--it's stupid and he's not getting Anywhere. Opinions?
norajane Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 I know why, but I want to hear others' assumptions / answers about Why she keeps asking him who I am. You answered that for yourself: He's still feeding her the same lie.So she keeps asking, because she's not going to let up until she finds out what happened, to what extent, for how long, and the details she wants to know. Also, why hasn't she kicked him to the curb yet?Because she's married to him. And it's not like breaking up with a bf to end a marriage. She needs more information than she has, and so far, she's not getting it because he keeps lying.
Author Gwyneth Posted October 31, 2007 Author Posted October 31, 2007 Okay, thank you. I know they're married and it's not all that easy to just divorce as it would be to just end a relationship when you're dating, but instead of constantly having to watch your husband's every move, you'd think by now she'd leave him or kick him out. I mean, this isn't the first time this has happened in their marriage of two years. And as I said, since September, at least that I know of, she has been suspicious about three different things--text messages, emails, and phone calls. I think she convinces him it's all good, but is up to something (worrying here...). He said after the emails that it's all good now and she's over it...but I kept telling him I highly doubt that and that she is probably up to something. I know women, and I know women don't just let something like this go. What I do not understand is why he continues with this stupid lie that makes no sense. Dude can't lie for anything...very sad.
norajane Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 Why does it matter so much to you what she does or why she does it? What are you worried about, exactly? What do you think she's 'up to'? As to his lies, that's what liars do when they don't want their wife to know the truth - they lie and lie and lie, until they're caught in the act, one way or another, and can't lie anymore.
Author Gwyneth Posted October 31, 2007 Author Posted October 31, 2007 Well he told me she can be crazy, of course this is after he kissed me and whatever. I am just concerned she is going to figure me out and come after me. She keeps asking, so obviously she isn't buying her husband's lies. I want to know why she isn't leaving him because I would like to know Why women in general usually forgive their cheating husbands and stay with them after they cheat. Shoot--I just would Not forgive. Okay, maybe Forgive, but never forget. I'd have to live with that forever. I'm not in that position, but I would like to think I am stronger than that. That is one of the reasons I ended this affair--I'm too good for a married man.
norajane Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 Well, you know he's a liar, so I wouldn't take what he says about her being crazy as absolute truth. She may certainly be pissed off, though, and rage does make people's behavior unpredictable. Wives stay for a lot of different reasons. It's hard to say why she in particular would want to stay with him. You really never, ever know what goes on in a marriage unless you're one of the couple.
Author Gwyneth Posted October 31, 2007 Author Posted October 31, 2007 Well, they have no children together, have been married almost two years, in a relationship just two years now, and I would think that before they do have a child, they should figure out where their marriage stands. He told me that when he used to talk to this other lady, that his wife called the lady and threatened to go to her job. The lady ended up quitting. Well, she can threaten to come to my job, but she isn't getting in. So I'm not concerned about that. She alreayd tried calling me, and if she calls again and plays the same games of just breathing in my freakin' ear, I will call the police, because that is harassment. I don't care who she is or what I did to her, I don't have time for high school games. I am still interested in hearing others' point of views about my original post.
justice Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 He needs to tell her the truth, no one deserves being kept in the dark, horrible situation, that.
whichwayisup Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 Why are YOU putting up with his crap? The promises, the lies and then he goes home to his wife. You're not married to him, you don't share a house with him, don't share expenses, inlaws, family etc... Instead of wondering what his wife is doing and why she wants to know who you are, why not end this affair and tell him to leave you alone until he divorces her? See, you're enabling his behaviour by believing his lies, staying in this affair with him. He's lying to her, and he's also feeding you big whoppers too. The difference is, she's his wife, and you're the OW. You don't "have" to try to work it out with, there are no real ties, no vows, no history.
serial muse Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 Well he told me she can be crazy, of course this is after he kissed me and whatever. I am just concerned she is going to figure me out and come after me. She keeps asking, so obviously she isn't buying her husband's lies. I want to know why she isn't leaving him because I would like to know Why women in general usually forgive their cheating husbands and stay with them after they cheat. Shoot--I just would Not forgive. Okay, maybe Forgive, but never forget. I'd have to live with that forever. I'm not in that position, but I would like to think I am stronger than that. That is one of the reasons I ended this affair--I'm too good for a married man. Gwyneth, do a search on "gaslighting" in these forums and you'll learn all sorts of things about the ways MM toy with their spouses' minds. I know it's easy to say "I would never stay" and "I'd kick him out the door so fast" - but you really need to keep in mind that that's because you KNOW what's going on. She doesn't. She suspects, she hurts, she wonders, she accuses - but she has no proof, and he's denying it up one side and down the other, and of course she wants to believe him. That is something that both BS and OW have in common, isn't it? Not so hard to understand, it's ALL OVER these forums. And it's a huge thing to contemplate throwing away an entire relationship when half of you is doubting YOURSELF and thinking you must be a terrible person for suspecting someone of such actions. Don't underestimate the power of actually knowing what's going on. That's all too easily forgotten, because you've been in on the truth - well, at least on your part of it - since the start. But if you really want her to make up her mind, then give her a call and tell her the whole unvarnished truth about your relationship with MM, so she'll at least know what she's working with. Otherwise, there's not much point in judging her, since you don't know what it's like.
BurriedAlive Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 Well, they have no children together, have been married almost two years, in a relationship just two years now, and I would think that before they do have a child, they should figure out where their marriage stands. He told me that when he used to talk to this other lady, that his wife called the lady and threatened to go to her job. The lady ended up quitting. Well, she can threaten to come to my job, but she isn't getting in. So I'm not concerned about that. She alreayd tried calling me, and if she calls again and plays the same games of just breathing in my freakin' ear, I will call the police, because that is harassment. I don't care who she is or what I did to her, I don't have time for high school games. I am still interested in hearing others' point of views about my original post. The reason that she hasn't kicked him to the curb yet is because she knows that if she does he will be going straight to that "girl Gwyneth". Then she will have lost her guy to another woman. It's the same reason why all BSs take their husbands back. I mean, come on, who would want a guy that has done what their husband has done with another woman??? It's all about territory. Just like the BS on the other thread who is stalking the OW by sitting at a fair watching her and taking pictures of her for hours! I mean come on, who does that???? I know that if I was my xMMs W and I knew EVERYTHING that had happened between us there is no way I could ever trust my H again. Just the thought of it would make me sick. But when given the choice especially after my H has told me a bunch of lies to cover up what he has done, I wouldn't want to loose to the OW. We all know that ALL MMs who cheat on their wives are lying cowards who only care about themselves. The ones who aren't and actually fall in love with their OW will do everything they possibly can to leave so they can be with the OW forever. The ones who don't and end up throwing OW under the bus aren't worthy of their OW or their W, for that matter. These are the ones whose lives are "enriched" by getting their excitement on the side. Their affairs help them stay in their disfunctional marriages (for whatever reasons like money, kids, etc...) and make their daily lives bearable because they have an escape waiting for them. Anyway, that's what I think is happening here. In my case, I actually met with W after D day. Her H had told her that he had sex with me twice when in fact we had a year long relationship. I only answered her questions and did not volunteer facts that she didn't want to know. Since then I haven't heard from her but recently she has starting emailing me chain letters about what a special friend I am. I am just glad to be done with the whole crazy situation! They can have their twisted little world.
stillafool Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 Gwenyth, if I were you I would ask the MM why he is still staying with his wife when they don't have children. Stop worrying about why she doesn't leave him and ask him why doesn't he leave her? I mean, if he likes to cheat around, lie to everyone and then complain about his marriage what is holding him there? Seriously when you find out let me know because I'm really curious as to why this guy isn't a bachelor.
evenerml Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 well he hasent told her yet because he likes what he has. He has his wife at home and he has you on the side. He will never let her go untill she finds out on her own. she keeps calling you to find out the truth on who you really are and how you know her husband. You need to let him know that you arent playing the game anymore. He will A- go back to his wife and act like nothing is wrong or B- he will leave her knowing he has lost his cake. Because right now he has his cake and he's eating it too. I dont think she will come after you, I think she just wants the truth she knows he's lying but has no proof her self, she wont belive it untill she hears it. And she needs to know. he needs to tell her.
stillafool Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 Yes I agree! It's her intuition that won't let her forget about it. She feels something is not right and wants to get to the bottom of it.
TogetherForever Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 Yes I agree! It's her intuition that won't let her forget about it. She feels something is not right and wants to get to the bottom of it. And that's why the hubby needs to man-up & tell his wife what's going on. Poor wife. TF
Italiana Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 Gwyneth, What are you getting out of this? Do you like the drama? Are you in love with this man? If the A is over why is he still emailing you and texting you? It sounds to me like you like being the OW... You have two choices leave his poor wife alone or give her a call and let her know who you are. and stop worrying so much about her... worry about yourself and figure out what exactly you are getting out of this interaction. NO offense but he sounds like a scumbag. Good luck xo
nadiaj2727 Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 Gwenyth, I think she is just trying to figure out the truth. It sucks to not know the whole story. Even if someone thinks they're better off *not* knowing the whole truth, it just gnaws at them and makes them a little crazy. I don't know why wives stay. I think they are weak and naive and pathetic. But then I realize I stayed with a MM as an OW for *8 months* of my life, and that is not something I wanted to do, I felt like it just... happened to me without me realizing it. I didn't realize it because I loved him and I believed everything he told me, and he was completely fooling me. When I realize it now, I feel weak and naive and pathetic. What is the difference between an OW who stays (and some do for their whole lives, or until MM dumps them) and a wife who stays? There are very foolish women out there who get their hopes brought up time and again by a lying man. I was one of them, so I can't judge either side. Both W and OW stay b/c MM is telling W in one breath that he loves her and he's reformed and he won't do it again, and he's telling OW in the other breath that he loves her and wants to be with her and just give him a little more time to leave W (or, worse, he *can't* ever leave W, but just stay for him anyway, b/c he loves her). MM doesn't love either of these women and neither woman has enough strength and self-esteem to get up and leave. That is my personal opinion anyway. If MM stays with W instead of OW (which is usually the case when W finds out), W feels like she's "won" and she stays with him as a victor, but honestly I think she's the loser b/c she has to keep the creep and at least the OW is free (forced, but free to go find someone better. Ironically I think the saddest situation is what happened in mine... when W doesn't know about the A. Sometimes I wish I could tell her so that she could have the whole truth and decide whether MM is worth staying with. But I don't think that's my place and I don't have the heart to hurt him that badly even though I sometimes hate him. So I live with the knowledge/ guilt of what I did and she never fully understands why he was acting so weird. At least in your case, W has some answers and she can make her own choice about what to do with the knowledge she possesses.
bish Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 What I do not understand is why he continues with this stupid lie that makes no sense. Dude can't lie for anything...very sad. And yet you are with him.......hmmmmm. I guess the saying is true...women are attracted to jerks, players, and bad boys. And then the complaining starts.
silktricks Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 The reason that she hasn't kicked him to the curb yet is because she knows that if she does he will be going straight to that "girl Gwyneth". Then she will have lost her guy to another woman. It's the same reason why all BSs take their husbands back. I mean, come on, who would want a guy that has done what their husband has done with another woman??? It's all about territory. And this assumption is based upon what????? Your experience as a BS, or your assumption based on your experience as an OW? Though a very few may for that completely ridiculous reason, the BS I've known who take back their husbands do it for love, and because of the extreme lengths the WS has gone to in an effort to recover their wife's love and trust. We all know that ALL MMs who cheat on their wives are lying cowards who only care about themselves. The ones who aren't and actually fall in love with their OW will do everything they possibly can to leave so they can be with the OW forever. The ones who don't and end up throwing OW under the bus aren't worthy of their OW or their W, for that matter. So, if the MM leaves his wife and goes off with OW he's a fine man and worthy. If he realizes, however, that he loves his wife and stays and works it out with her he's not worthy of either. Your logic is . . . interesting.
Author Gwyneth Posted November 1, 2007 Author Posted November 1, 2007 Our affair is long over. It has faded, but he still talks to me, as I do too. I figure if we can just talk and not be immature and bitter about not being in an affair anymore, then that's good. I'm sure eventually our talks will fade too. I have to deal with him on a daily basis, so either way, I have to talk to him--for now at least. Eventually that can change due to work schedules, etc. I don't think he knows the affair is over--he needs to figure that out for himself. I really do not care about his wife, in all honsty. She had five opportunities on one night to speak to me and ask me anything she wanted to know about who I am and how I know her husband. Instead, she chose to breathe in my ear. Who does that? If she didn't know what to say, then she should not have called me every minute, three times in a row, plus an additional two times within the next two hours. That to me is a bit insane--I don't care Who she is, that's Insane. I did tell him I am not joining him in on his stupid--bogus lie of his. I told him I am not speaking to her--she had her five chances and chose to breathe instead. So, her loss. She hasn't contacted me in three weeks, so I think that's done and over with. He just told me the other day she still asks who Gwyneth is. I'm sure she is Very curious--and she has every right to be. Ie: Catches her husband emailing, sees all the texts and phone calls, and I'm sure he is different toward her as well. I do not know what goes on in their marriage other than what He tells me. I don't care though...
outofdarkness Posted November 1, 2007 Posted November 1, 2007 Well he told me she can be crazy, of course this is after he kissed me and whatever. I am just concerned she is going to figure me out and come after me. She keeps asking, so obviously she isn't buying her husband's lies. I want to know why she isn't leaving him because I would like to know Why women in general usually forgive their cheating husbands and stay with them after they cheat. Shoot--I just would Not forgive. Okay, maybe Forgive, but never forget. I'd have to live with that forever. I'm not in that position, but I would like to think I am stronger than that. That is one of the reasons I ended this affair--I'm too good for a married man. Yada yada...Same old story...They ALL tell the OW that their W's are crazy..How the hell do you think they could justify it to themselves and OW if they don't tell you that...R U all REALLY that gullible..Sorry if that's spelled wrong, but you get it... Go back and READ some of OW stories going WAY back..They all say the same GD thing...ood
Author Gwyneth Posted November 1, 2007 Author Posted November 1, 2007 Every man I know has claimed at least once that some woman is crazy--I do not take it that seriously. He did though tell me that another lady he used to be close to that his wife had called and threatened to go to her work, so yeah, that is crazy--true or not, crazy. Her phone calls to me alone is borderline crazy. Hey, people do crazy things when they're upset, and she has a right to be, but that still doesn't make it right. In my past experiences, male friends of mine were always quick to accuse a woman of being crazy for the stupidest reasons--usually when they were figured out and the woman becamse upset, that is when the man ususally says she's crazy. It's like a man's way of making himself feel better about what he does--by accusing the woman of being crazy. DID IT EVER OCCUR TO MEN THAT THEY ARE THE REASON WOMAN ARE SUPPOSIDLY CRAZY??? Sorry, needed to vent...
OWoman Posted November 1, 2007 Posted November 1, 2007 Yada yada...Same old story...They ALL tell the OW that their W's are crazy.. My MM didn't tell me his W was crazy - I figured it out for myself from what I heard from other people (colleagues and friends of theirs, mainly) going way way back. He was still denying it until very recently (finally admitted it through counselling) so that he didn't have to confront his own reasons for staying so long with someone so emotionally unstable.
outofdarkness Posted November 1, 2007 Posted November 1, 2007 Every man I know has claimed at least once that some woman is crazy--I do not take it that seriously. He did though tell me that another lady he used to be close to that his wife had called and threatened to go to her work, so yeah, that is crazy--true or not, crazy. Her phone calls to me alone is borderline crazy. Hey, people do crazy things when they're upset, and she has a right to be, but that still doesn't make it right. In my past experiences, male friends of mine were always quick to accuse a woman of being crazy for the stupidest reasons--usually when they were figured out and the woman becamse upset, that is when the man ususally says she's crazy. It's like a man's way of making himself feel better about what he does--by accusing the woman of being crazy. DID IT EVER OCCUR TO MEN THAT THEY ARE THE REASON WOMAN ARE SUPPOSIDLY CRAZY??? Sorry, needed to vent... Amen to that...THEY are ALWAYS the sane ones...
outofdarkness Posted November 1, 2007 Posted November 1, 2007 My MM didn't tell me his W was crazy - I figured it out for myself from what I heard from other people (colleagues and friends of theirs, mainly) going way way back. He was still denying it until very recently (finally admitted it through counselling) so that he didn't have to confront his own reasons for staying so long with someone so emotionally unstable. Yaaa..prob. b/c he'd been telling all his friends/co workers, etc. how crazy she is. My H did...The all do that so they can feel "ok" about what they're doing...They need to keep up the image. They have to justify it somehow to themselves and others. Otherwise...well...they just look like asses...If the W is crazy, well..it's ok for them to cheat...
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