Sanslatete Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 I think a big part of my problem in moving on is the way I see things. As you know, if you've read my previous posts, I was with my ex for six and a half years. The majority of this, all of it until about the last two to three months, was the best time of my life. Sure, we had our disagreements, tiffs and arguments, who doesn't? But, to me, she was everything I could have wanted. We had so much in common and I knew she understood me when I spoke about whatever, and this gave me a feeling of being bonded and 'meant to be' (whatever that is I realise now). So, after being so close to her and identifying with her at such a deep level. I don't feel whole any more. Everything still has the potential to sum up memories of her, however innocuous they may be. Silly things that would never have any effect on anyone else (because they are so ridiculous), bring something about her to my mind. Things like strawberries (stupid, isn't it?), which are quite innocent by themselves. But they can remind me of riverside picnics we had and that reminds me of something else.....and that reminds me of something else....and the process goes on. I had to get rid of everything I had that was even remotely connected to her for fear of being thrown into a memory nightmare. But, nevertheless, I'm still constantly reminded by things in the street, types of cars, clothes, shoes, food, cosmetics, .....the list is endless. I worry for my sanity sometimes (genuinely), for the fact that she's so deep under my skin that I can't shake her off. As well as her burrowing in my head, all manner of outside influences can set me off. I've never been like this before for anyone else, so why her? Is it because I loved her so much? Is it because we connected so completely? Is it because we had so many experiences and travelled so much together? I don't know, I'm at a loss. I try to remind myself that she did the dirty on me and doesn't deserve all this attention, whether concious or sub-concious, but that doesn't seem to make a difference. She's just everywhere, like the tell-tale heart, and I miss her. Even stuff like this forum, I'm on here most nights, trying to exorcise her from my thoughts. But even doing that makes me go to bed with her in my thoughts. It's just hopeless and getting more than a litte concerning. I don't know if it's how my brain's wired or what, but I've put so much energy into getting through this, that it's become part of my life. I want so much to move on and forget her, but it's proving more that difficult. Ant thoughts? Am I nuts? I do have a life and I don't sit alone all day brooding, but she's just a l w a y s t h e r e!
Lee725 Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 It is very normal to be reminded by things, i can not hear the first name of my ex without a shiver running down my spine. I can not look at a car remotely similar to his without checking the number plate (i have nearly had a few accidents driving doing this). I get home at night and entertain this little dream that he will be parked there out the back waiting for me and everything will be OK. I love aquariums and so did he, i struggle to look after mine now without thinking of him. I cant go to the beach and look thru the rock pools as i generally so much love doing without thinking of him. I cant drive past the spot where we had a picnic and got attacked by seagulls because i threw a chip to them ... without thinking of him. I own a little shop and he sometimes would come and fix my computer or one of my machines and i cant come to work without picturing him sitting in my chair, grinning at me. As i said in a previous post to you, i try to think not so happy things about him to help ease the pain and clear my head, but as another poster put after me in that thread that may not work for you or anyone else and he probably has a very valid point. I did not have the connection with my ex the way you connected with yours, that is why him and i did not work. I had a one way street with him, he seemed emotionally devoid and i knew he could never reciprocate love for me like i was developing for him. You are not crazy, you are not going nuts, you are in love, it consumes us and makes us feel crazy. Even when everything is good in our relationships love can still make us feel crazy, so when the focus of our love is not there, everything is that much more magnified. You will make it through this. You have to .... because there is a girl out there somewhere who is desperately seeking the kind of love that you have to give to her.
funkybassplayer Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 just a little point about that last line. Its not healthy for a girl to need the love, as this will take from you, but for the next lady in your life, try to find one that is whole, and will not look to take love, but rather add to your own self love. People who suck up love are often inscure and needy. i know this is not what you ment, but i just thought id wack it in! But to find a lady like that, you have to get back your own self love through the healing and rediscovering yourself that we are all going through now, rather than run out their looking for some1. The love that you/i feel for the ex, is the self love that we have, but that love has to be re directed back to us. That can be done by letting go of negitives to other people and just being nice to every1. You often find people unable to love deeply like we can, and this is b/c they have a low love of themselves. Be proud that you can love deeply, this is a sighn that you love yourself deeply as well.
Author Sanslatete Posted October 31, 2007 Author Posted October 31, 2007 It's good to feel not alone in this guys, it can isolate you and make you (me anyway) feel odd. I know I'm capable of deep love but sometimes (especially now) wish I could be more superficial, maybe it wouldn't hurt so bad. I deserve better but that's not what I've got at the moment and I can't help but wonder why. Instead I'm stuck in the past with the outlook looking bleak, my heart hurts and my head spins and I don't want to feel like this but it looks like I'm stuck with it for the foreseeable future. It's purgatory, just relentless pain and suffering when all I want to do is forget her and get on with my life. I can't afford to think back because she was a big part of everything I did and would figure in most things I could remember. So I'm stuck on the same thoughts and associations all the time and don't look forward to what the future's got in store.
your star Posted November 1, 2007 Posted November 1, 2007 Hi Sanslatete, I cannot really offer any advice as I am going through a very similiar situation as you right now and I'm struggling.. I was in a 6 year 3 month long relationship that ended a few months ago. Everyday I feel consumed in trying to forget him and it drives me crazy. I have not gone one day without thinking about him. Sometimes I feel like the more I try to tell myself to forget him, the more I'm flooded with memories of us. But to read other stories I realize that there's nothing wrong with me. I simply loved another person and now I have to put that love aside and go on with my life. It's hard. Hang in there...
Lee725 Posted November 1, 2007 Posted November 1, 2007 just a little point about that last line. Its not healthy for a girl to need the love, as this will take from you, but for the next lady in your life, try to find one that is whole, and will not look to take love, but rather add to your own self love. People who suck up love are often inscure and needy. i know this is not what you ment, but i just thought id wack it in! Did you realize funkybassplayer, that this is the second time that you have singled out my posts to Sanslatete? Mostly everyone NEEDS to feel loved, if they did'nt this type of forum would not exist. If they didnt feel like they NEEDED it - they would not have a hard time coping without it. Not everyone who NEEDS love is "often inscure and needy" as you state. That is a pretty broad statement to make, and i feel a little offended as i do know that i NEED love in my life, because i myself have so much to give to someone. I am certainly NOT insecure and i am NOT needy. If you knew that was not what i meant why single out my last line? My choice of grammar may not be to your liking, that is fine, but it is a bit nasty to pick other peoples posts apart when all they are trying to do is help.
Author Sanslatete Posted November 1, 2007 Author Posted November 1, 2007 I'm not ashamed to say that I do NEED love too but I'm not 'needy' either Lee725, the whole point of me feeling like this (I think) is that I miss the love I got from my ex. It may sound fairytale, but (to me) she was unique, and so was the love she gave me. I have BIG doubts that I will find anyone who makes me feel like she did, I may be wrong...and I hope I am, but that doesn't make me insecure either....does it? I understood what you meant, and thank you for your input. Any help in this hell-hole is good help and I greatly appreciate it all.
funkybassplayer Posted November 1, 2007 Posted November 1, 2007 we all need love, but that love is in us. To give love we have to love ourselves. To not love ourselves, it would be very hard to love someone back. Of course if you wish to take what i say as an attack, then thats ok, but what im saying is get your own self love back, and you will kmow when you have it, cos you will feel in love, and happy even on your own, as i do, and that is the way to heal and move forward. Im not acually talikng about the ex. Im talking about us as people. if you have self love, then you will be happy inside, and rather than take from someone else, we can share. Does that make more sense? The only reason why i know is b/c i was in a relationship with a lovely but needy, lady who never felt deep emotion, and had to lavish her and the 3 kids with my ove. Thios exusted me, mentally, i pulled away. When we broke up, i looked to find that in me agian, and its coming back, and i feel great, and happy, and i know what lady i would like in a relationship, and that is one that has love, and will join with me, rather than will take from me.
funkybassplayer Posted November 1, 2007 Posted November 1, 2007 Did you realize funkybassplayer, that this is the second time that you have singled out my posts to Sanslatete? Mostly everyone NEEDS to feel loved, if they did'nt this type of forum would not exist. If they didnt feel like they NEEDED it - they would not have a hard time coping without it. Not everyone who NEEDS love is "often inscure and needy" as you state. That is a pretty broad statement to make, and i feel a little offended as i do know that i NEED love in my life, because i myself have so much to give to someone. I am certainly NOT insecure and i am NOT needy. If you knew that was not what i meant why single out my last line? My choice of grammar may not be to your liking, that is fine, but it is a bit nasty to pick other peoples posts apart when all they are trying to do is help. Please do not feel that i have put an attack on you, and i was not aware that i singled out your posts twice! i can assure you that this is just my point of view and that at the end of the day we are all looking to be happy. and that comes from inside us. We all want to be loved, but we all have love as well. What im saying is take the love that you have of yourself and you will be loved. As far as needing to be loved, its a need, and that normally happens from not loving yourself. If 2 people love themselves then love will be in you both, it wont be a need. Forgive the ex, forgive yourself, and look for that inner peace. I hope i have explained it better.
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