Fogle Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 Hello Im looking for some advice about guys who have successfully left there marriage and who have children. I am married (11 years together 13) I had an affair with a co-worker two years ago. I have two beautiful children ages eleven and seven. I had an affair 14 months which ended in may. My wife found out about it in april and I left my house for almost two months. I gave my wife everything financially apart from enough to buy a small place where the children could stay over. My wife hated that I had left and really used my children telling them things about me and really scaring them. She took some pills one night when the kids were there and my daughter rang me. I couldnt believe I had caused such pain especially to my children. But when I looked into it my wife hadnt took pills but had told my daughter she had so I would come round. Eventually I moved back home after a long conversation with my other woman and we parted. It was the worst day of my life so far. I love her so much. Shes a special person and understood. I hate that I cant be with her. I feel forced to pretend a happy life. My wife demands love. She doesnt ask for it, she demands it because of my failures. It feels so forced but then she wonders why I am unhappy. I just tell her its the guilt. Telling her the truth got me nowhere. It just made my children unhappy. Telling lies makes my wife and children happy but not me. My wife has always been a very selfish person. She has been my only relationship. I thought she was strongwilled but her selfishness got stronger. This was my fault as I did everything I could to make her happy but then met someone who didnt want the world. She just wanted me. What do I do? Leave and then have my wife mentally poison the children against me while I build a relationship with another woman? or stay and be forced into the fake i love yous but watch my kids grow. I think about my other woman every hour of every day. It has been nearly five months. I even tried to love my wife. We tried counselling but she didnt want to go after the first three months. The thought of leaving my kids just kills me. I need to be there for them. But I dont know how long I can keep up the fake act with my wife. I sorta think that if she hadnt found out about the other woman in my life she would have split anyway but now she wants me regardless of how she feels about me. I dont know how to feel about that. My happiest moments during the week are when my wife goes to work and I look after the kids alone or when I have some time alone and I can just think about my other woman and what we meant to each other. If someone could help that would be great as I have absolutely no idea what to do. Im in marriage limbo.
norajane Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 Have you spoken to a divorce lawyer? Perhaps you can file for custody of the kids, since your wife works and you stay at home with them?
Author Fogle Posted October 31, 2007 Author Posted October 31, 2007 Thanks. I should have said more specifically, my fault. I work full time. My wife works eight hours per week during the weekend so I have one full day with the kids where she isnt there. Thats my favourite day. Its great because I can build our relationship up between me and my kids again without any remarks about me to them if that makes sense. Its relaxing. I wouldnt go for full custody of my children. First of all I work and I am quite successful and I bring the money in. I would still have to do that and I dont think I could look after them full time. My wife would need to pick them up from school. But if I even tried anything like that my wife would take me to court and take them from me if she could and I dont think she would worry about what she said about me. I couldnt take my children from my wife either. I dont want to be with her but that doesnt mean my children dont. I know it must sound like I hate my wife but I dont I just dont agree with how she talks to them about our issues. My perfect picture would be for my wife to think that we were over but for us to work together for our kids and allow each other to move on but not take it out on the kids or use them as weapons against each other. I dont think that will ever happen.
norajane Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 I dont think that will ever happen.Then bite the bullet and file for divorce. You already know it won't be any better than a knock-down drag-out fight no matter what you do, so get it going. The sooner it starts, the sooner it will end. Your kids will know how you feel about them regardless of what she says to them - you've been with them all these years, and you have the ability to tell them how you feel about them, and to tell them your perspective on your issues with your wife...in an age appropriate way at this point in time. They may be confused at first, but it shouldn't cause any permanent damage between you. Kids grow up and have their own minds about things, but even at that age, they have a pretty good idea of what's what.
Author Fogle Posted October 31, 2007 Author Posted October 31, 2007 It sounds so easy when you put it like that but I know my kids and I know my wife anjd its not that easy. My wife has a strained relationship with her parents and we havent seen eye to eye on many parental issues. I know my affair has hurt her in so many ways but especially her confidence and her pride and I think she gets that back by using the kids. It wouldnt be a long road of struggling, it would be forever. Right, my kids love me and I love them with all of my being. Wrong, that my wife wouldnt use them in a way and Im not sure whether that would emotionally damage them. The couple of months I was away was evidence of that enough. I suppose it comes down to being selfish. Im not selfish enough just to leave my kids and hope for the best. But I am selfish enough not to want to be in my marriage anymore. My wife is working in a way to fix us by not arguing in front of the children as long as I dont bring anything up that may set her off. I spoke to my parents and they agreed that they may not get to see their grandchildren if I left but they also agreed that they wanted the best for me and they didnt think that was staying with my wife. They are as confused as I am I think.
norajane Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 You know your wife best, but I cannot imagine how you will stay married under the circumstances. You parents will see their grandchildren whenever they want when they are with you, no? So why do they think they'll never see them? Look, millions of people get divorced under the most acrimonious of circumstances. It's possible, but you have to be strong enough to handle it with grace. Your wife may end up with primary custody, but there's no reason why you wouldn't see them on weekends and holidays and some weeks during the summer. She can't keep them away from you unless you have a drug habit or there is a history of violence. May not be ideal to only have the kids part time, but you will have all the influence over them when they are with you and they will SEE what kind of father you are. And if you fear the wife might 'damage' the kids, make sure they go see a family counseling therapist to help them deal with the divorce.
Author Fogle Posted October 31, 2007 Author Posted October 31, 2007 No drug habit or history of violence. Not even a parking ticket. She cant keep them away from me. But she can make sure they think I have left them, deserted them and that I love other woman more than them. She has already told them this on countless occasions. And the evidence points to me because YES I did leave and YES I dont live with them anymore and what can I say? I love you and Ill see you next weekend try not to listen to all of the nasty things mum says about me? My dads friend did the same and to this day his daughter who is about twenty-four holds real resentment for leaving her because her mother really laid on the betrayal thick. I guess I just have to grin and bear it. Take home the flowers and hope for the best. Wife wants me. I dont think its financial. I think she just doesnt want someone else to have me and be happy with me. People have laughed because ive always been under the thumb of my wife and i laughed along with them. But now I think she cant stand that I did something for myself and she just wants things to go back to normal eg. her calling the shots and me doing what she says to avoid and argument. its a rock and a hard place and i dont know how to get out. Filing for divorce would see the house erupt and I dread the fall out for the kids. Theyve been through so much pain already. I hate myself for not being able to just be happy with my lot but Im not.
Author Fogle Posted October 31, 2007 Author Posted October 31, 2007 My son is in a group at school where kids who are having family problems go. My wife is clever though. She appeals to peoples hearts. Noone would ever dream that she argued in front of our kids or argued at all. Most people just think Im an awful terrible husband and she is allowing me back into the house after a indiscretion. She has always been a good manipulator and I used to think it was cute that this little woman had such a loud voice and such a power over everyone around her. Im 6ft 1 and she is only 5 ft 1. I find that power stifling not cute. She is like the cat on Shrek. Able to be cute when she wants but sharp as a knife usually. I see through her now though and she doesnt like that much. Again I dont hate her. I just got tired. Me and the wife had three sessions of Marriage counseling and she didnt want to return after the last session because I said we had grew apart and the marriage counsellor wasnt very positive on our outlook. I dont know if I can get a lawyer to make our kids get family counseling? I havent heard of it in GB. Thanks for your advice Norajane I know I probably sound like I think there is no solution but the end point I want to be in is happy kids with good access, happy ex-wife and happy Fogle with happy other woman. I guess I just wondered if any other people had found their way on a path to this endpoint. But I guess not. What will be will be I suppose.
Cobra_X30 Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 Fogle, I think it est you leave your wife! She would eventually move on, and the kids will see through the BullS*** at some point. Trust me, I was one of those kids once! Its much better that I had a chance to see what a happy home looks like.
Mr. Lucky Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 Boy, did I once sit where you now sit. Left my wife, came back home after a year because I thought I owed it to her. She became pregnant first month back (what a surprise) and I tried my hardest to make it work for 5 miserable years. My wife made every threat, spoken and implied, about how she'd make me pay if I left but you know what? I couldn't stay... The first year was Hell. When she moved out, she took every item and stick of furniture in the house - I came home, there was one pillow case on the floor, nothing else. She wouldn't return my calls so I had no idea where my son was for the first two weeks. I got set times to see my son - I'd show up at her place, no one home. Etc, etc. Long story short, it took a year for things to settle down. She met someone else and got tired of f***ing with me. I got into a routine with my son and actually ended up spending more time with him than I did when we were married. My ex and I actually began thinking about what was best for our son. Life went on. If you leave, you're in for some pain, heartbreak and loss. And you might also be in for some gain, growth and happiness. You'll survive, your relationship will your kids will survive and, as parents, you'll have some ongoing relationship with your wife. What you're asking is an impossible calculation for anyone else to make on your behalf. Keep us posted... Mr. Lucky
Author Fogle Posted October 31, 2007 Author Posted October 31, 2007 Thanks Mr Lucky, its great to hear someone who isnt going to sugarcoat it. Its so bull the situation I am in. I sometimes wonder what on earth I did to get myself into this. I grew apart, fell in love. Maybe I didnt do everything I could but I thought I was doing everything that made a difference. I sometimes feel Im being punished just for letting my life take a road that seemed the right thing to do at the time and I am wondering if I will ever not be punished for it. I suppose I am the type of person who prefers to let things just happen instead of forcing the issue. Was there another person in the picture? How did you feel with your kids having another man in their life? My wife constantly berates me about the new man she will find who will read stories to my kids and wake them up and be their dad. I know thats not true I'll always be their dad. But it doesnt make it any easier to swallow. Was there another woman involved for you too?
Shades of Grey Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 You sound just like my MM. All I can say is that if you decide to stay then you owe it to both of you to make it work and if there is love there on any level then thats possible but only with a lot of v hard work and determination. If you feel in your heart that you really can't do that and you really believe that no amount of work can help you to love your wife the way she deserves to be loved for the rest of her life then again you owe it to both of you to end it and face the consequences. And again that will involve a lot of v hard work and a lot of determination. Living in the limbo you describe doesn't seem like a happy medium for anybody involved. I always said to my MM that whatever he decided he should do it with determination and not resignation. It certainly sounds like the latter is the path you are currently on. In respect to your wife poisoning the children against you I personally think that it's only possible to do that if you live up to how she portrays you. My parents split when I was very young and much as I adore my mother I have to admit that she found it impossible to hide her negative feelings towards my father and stepmother. However, for some reason even when I was very young I always somehow knew the truth and although my father had his failings I never blamed him for leaving. I remember feeling sad for my mum that she was obviously so bitter and resentful about my dad but it certainly never stopped me loving him. Best of luck.
Mr. Lucky Posted November 1, 2007 Posted November 1, 2007 Was there another person in the picture? How did you feel with your kids having another man in their life? My wife constantly berates me about the new man she will find who will read stories to my kids and wake them up and be their dad. I know thats not true I'll always be their dad. But it doesnt make it any easier to swallow. Was there another woman involved for you too? Nope, shoe was on the other foot. I went from getting the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" speech to "I need a break to get my head together" to "I'm in love with another man" in a 30 day span. I moved out, got my own place and waited things out. My wife's affair ended, she decided she wanted back in and we started MC while separated. In light of that, pretty ironic that she put me through the ringer when I left 5 years later but that's how it happened. Being a divorced Dad is a ton of work. Despite the fact that I lived on the other side of town, I made every Cub Scout meeting, every Little League game and every teacher conference. We split custody so I had my son 3 days a week. I did ZERO socializing on those days and just concentrated on him. My ex's BF's came and went but there was never any confusion about who Dad was. It can be done but it requires a social and financial committment that, based on statistics, not every divorced parent is willing to make... Mr. Lucky
Author Fogle Posted November 1, 2007 Author Posted November 1, 2007 I'm sorry your W did that to you Mr Lucky. I do realise that Im creating pain and I hate the fact I am hurting those who expect my love and deserve it. It sounds complicated but its great to hear someone who was able to concentrate fully on their child and to be able to reconcile differences with their partner for the full advantage of their kids. Shades of Grey, I should have also thanked you for your insight. I guess actions speak louder than words when it comes to children but it doesnt make it any less terrifying putting them through this. I spose it comes down to how I feel about myself, doing something for myself at the expense of my children. All of your comments have been food for thought, thanks
Faith4u Posted November 1, 2007 Posted November 1, 2007 My advice is: don't stay with your wife for the kids. The kids will feel that anyhow and you do not want to disapoint them later on. It is better to face it now and go on with your life and the other woman that you are in love with. Life is short, if you are really IN love with the other woman and not in love with your wife I do not recommand that you stay just for the kids. good luck Hello Im looking for some advice about guys who have successfully left there marriage and who have children. I am married (11 years together 13) I had an affair with a co-worker two years ago. I have two beautiful children ages eleven and seven. I had an affair 14 months which ended in may. My wife found out about it in april and I left my house for almost two months. I gave my wife everything financially apart from enough to buy a small place where the children could stay over. My wife hated that I had left and really used my children telling them things about me and really scaring them. She took some pills one night when the kids were there and my daughter rang me. I couldnt believe I had caused such pain especially to my children. But when I looked into it my wife hadnt took pills but had told my daughter she had so I would come round. Eventually I moved back home after a long conversation with my other woman and we parted. It was the worst day of my life so far. I love her so much. Shes a special person and understood. I hate that I cant be with her. I feel forced to pretend a happy life. My wife demands love. She doesnt ask for it, she demands it because of my failures. It feels so forced but then she wonders why I am unhappy. I just tell her its the guilt. Telling her the truth got me nowhere. It just made my children unhappy. Telling lies makes my wife and children happy but not me. My wife has always been a very selfish person. She has been my only relationship. I thought she was strongwilled but her selfishness got stronger. This was my fault as I did everything I could to make her happy but then met someone who didnt want the world. She just wanted me. What do I do? Leave and then have my wife mentally poison the children against me while I build a relationship with another woman? or stay and be forced into the fake i love yous but watch my kids grow. I think about my other woman every hour of every day. It has been nearly five months. I even tried to love my wife. We tried counselling but she didnt want to go after the first three months. The thought of leaving my kids just kills me. I need to be there for them. But I dont know how long I can keep up the fake act with my wife. I sorta think that if she hadnt found out about the other woman in my life she would have split anyway but now she wants me regardless of how she feels about me. I dont know how to feel about that. My happiest moments during the week are when my wife goes to work and I look after the kids alone or when I have some time alone and I can just think about my other woman and what we meant to each other. If someone could help that would be great as I have absolutely no idea what to do. Im in marriage limbo.
Mr. Lucky Posted November 1, 2007 Posted November 1, 2007 I spose it comes down to how I feel about myself, doing something for myself at the expense of my children. Like any big change, divorce is hard on everyone involved. But you have to look at it within the framework of the choices involved. Assuming that a good marriage is not an option, you can: 1). Stay and make yourself and everyone around you (kids included) miserable. 2). Leave and look for a different arrangement that works better for everyone involved. Step one is a realistic assessment of the possible. You can put on a brave face and pretend happiness and contentment for a day, a week or a month, but no one can do it for years. I know because I tried... Mr. Lucky
Meaplus3 Posted November 2, 2007 Posted November 2, 2007 Hello Im looking for some advice about guys who have successfully left there marriage and who have children. I am married (11 years together 13) I had an affair with a co-worker two years ago. I have two beautiful children ages eleven and seven. I had an affair 14 months which ended in may. My wife found out about it in april and I left my house for almost two months. I gave my wife everything financially apart from enough to buy a small place where the children could stay over. My wife hated that I had left and really used my children telling them things about me and really scaring them. She took some pills one night when the kids were there and my daughter rang me. I couldnt believe I had caused such pain especially to my children. But when I looked into it my wife hadnt took pills but had told my daughter she had so I would come round. Eventually I moved back home after a long conversation with my other woman and we parted. It was the worst day of my life so far. I love her so much. Shes a special person and understood. I hate that I cant be with her. I feel forced to pretend a happy life. My wife demands love. She doesnt ask for it, she demands it because of my failures. It feels so forced but then she wonders why I am unhappy. I just tell her its the guilt. Telling her the truth got me nowhere. It just made my children unhappy. Telling lies makes my wife and children happy but not me. My wife has always been a very selfish person. She has been my only relationship. I thought she was strongwilled but her selfishness got stronger. This was my fault as I did everything I could to make her happy but then met someone who didnt want the world. She just wanted me. What do I do? Leave and then have my wife mentally poison the children against me while I build a relationship with another woman? or stay and be forced into the fake i love yous but watch my kids grow. I think about my other woman every hour of every day. It has been nearly five months. I even tried to love my wife. We tried counselling but she didnt want to go after the first three months. The thought of leaving my kids just kills me. I need to be there for them. But I dont know how long I can keep up the fake act with my wife. I sorta think that if she hadnt found out about the other woman in my life she would have split anyway but now she wants me regardless of how she feels about me. I dont know how to feel about that. My happiest moments during the week are when my wife goes to work and I look after the kids alone or when I have some time alone and I can just think about my other woman and what we meant to each other. If someone could help that would be great as I have absolutely no idea what to do. Im in marriage limbo. Foogle, Gosh! I can so relate as you sound like the male version of myself right now with a few minor changes! I don't have mm waiting for me, that's a over. I sense you feel controlled by your W and you fear her if you leave, I feel the same way about my H. If we were to part I would want that to be on decent term's however he has told me over and over it won't be decent even to the point that would frighten me. I guess I don't really have to much advice for you right now, but I wanted you to know that I understand your feeling's and they are very normal. Best of luck. AP:)
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