GetdownNY Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 I was in a relationship for about 2 and half years. I think I was pretty much in-love with this woman. Our relationship started when her last one ended. Our first year of the relationship was great. She actually moved into my house. This was the first time I lived with a partner. It felt good coming home to someone. We talked about many things from music, politics, and life. My friends definitely noticed that I wasn't around as much. We both lived very active lives. We were both in college, involved in different creative outlets, in school organizations, volunteer, and top of all that we had jobs to help pain for rent. Though we were really busy, I always made an effort to hang out and spend some quality time. The second year, I think all her activities started piling up and I actually became less of a priority. It really hurt when we didn't even celebrate our 2 year anniversary. I really felt unappreciated but this was the icing on the cake. I would never understand why she feared telling me about her feelings. (That's right the stereotypical male and female roles were flipped.) She would often get angry over little things and really got frustrated with my "communication style." Around the 2.5 year mark, she broke up with me, stating she needed to figure out things out in her life. She wanted to experience life on her own and not be in a relationship. She moved out and we didn't see or speak to each other for a couple of months. We met up one day to talk things over. She said she had finalized her decision. Somehow we ended "making up." It became a really confusing time. We were very intimate and seemed like we were together, yet she couldn't commit to me or tell me she really wanted to be with me. She would tell me she loved me but she didn't know if she could be the person I wanted her to be. After the see saw pattern that lasted a couple of months, we decided that it was an unhealthy situation and go our separate ways. We saw each other once in passing. She called me later that week and told me she's been thinking of me and that she was second guessing things. I didn't know how to respond because I did not want that pattern starting again. I wanted her to be sure if she really wanted to be with me. I still want to be with her but I am taking my friends advice that we need some space. I found out recently that she is seeing someone else. I don't understand this because I thought she wanted to be independent. It is very painful and I have been fatigued because I have had trouble sleeping. Chances are I will run into her because we have the same group of friends. I have tried seeing other people, but no one really sparks my interest. I realized that I still love her. The other day I actually saw her with the guy she is currently seeing. I do not know what to do or how to cope with it. Please help.
MattyTee Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 I feel for you Getdown! I have been on Loveshack for a few months now and I keep seeing this pattern of (it seems to be women) often saying that they need space, want to experience life on their own and be independend (not in a relationship) and yet within a short space of time they are with someone else. I'm not one-siding this at all, guys do the same thing but tend to say different things. In a way it's a 'grass is greener' syndrome, they want to experience another person perhaps. I'm also not suggesting that this is always the case, I think sometimes people really do need that space. I also know, from experience, that when someone says that and then realises that they are alone, they can become afraid and immediately seek someone else (my ex-Fiance has just done this to me after saying she needed to be alone). I'm not sure what advice I can give really, but the important thing is to remember to look after yourself. I too had trouble sleeping and that will gradually sap your energy and will make everything seem a lot worse. Try and sort that first, whether it be with methods such as exercise, cutting caffeine and alcohol or perhaps even a mild sleep-sedative. I would also suggest opening up and being honest with her. Make sure you aren't placing yourself as a doormat - but be honest about what you want (you are entitled). You can say that you don't want to end up breaking up again and that you would like a commitment. Hope that helps, not sure if it's 'good' advice or not
Pentula77 Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 As hard as this sounds you need to forget about her and move on. This can take time but make sure at the same time you keep ur eyes open for the next opportunity that comes your way
jerbear Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 I am presenting a different point of view. Right now just move on without her; if she contacts you while you are single; offer her the committment question. Otherwise move on and live life and chase after other opportunities. Don't just take her back without any consequences. She is looking for a backburner guy in case the current one does not work out.
Blue Eyed Brain Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 She's confused and needs to find herself. Her dating is toxic to her, at this time. Whether with you or with another. If you love her, tell her that she should try being by herself for a few months to take care of her and find out what she really wants out of her life. Tell her you will be her friend, always - no matter what she decides. But please tell her to do this. IF she doesn't she maybe dooming herself from one bad relationship to the next (and whether male or female - it's awful to see a 55 year old person picking up barflies at the local watering hole).
brothermartin Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 Hey GETDOWN. Sorry you're going through this, man. Maybe try looking at my post, under COPING: SOMEBODY JUST MADE ME THINK OF SOMETHING... MATTYTEE gave me some good insight about what I went through with my ex. Check it out. If not, I suggest you leave her alone. At least for a while. She needs to understand that you are not going to be her safety net. Try finding someTHING, not someONE else to fill that space that she use to occupy. Something positive that gives you a sense of well being and peace of mind.
Author GetdownNY Posted October 31, 2007 Author Posted October 31, 2007 Hello everybody. I appreciate all your replies. It's good to know there are people who are in similar situations or people who have gone through similar things. I agree. I should try to move on. I actually have been trying. It's just when I'm alone, especially lately, I can't help but think about her. I don't know why I get stuck in our good memories. I try to remind myself of why I'm in the predicament in the first place and all the times I felt under-appreciated. Also another problem, like I stated in the post, is that we have similar friends. Tonight is a Halloween party which I have to go to. It is very likely she will be there. There's even a chance she might show up with her new "friend." I don't know how I will feel and if I can stay strong. I will try. What would you all do if you have to see your ex and they are with someone?
tomwiz Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 well I'm still on one of these time things and its been a month, her friends say she is miserable and not talking to anyone else. I believe them, they like me and want me to "win". However I've just kinda moved on, dabbled in online dating, had a few dates with nice gals, makes it easier. I still miss her and want "us" again, just not the "us" we became. With that being said, I'd probably knock the guys teeth out.
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