salmagundi Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 Wow, its been a long time since I've posted here, but I need advice again: so here goes, I met a girl at university about a month ago, we're both in education. After a lot of exchanging more or less meaningful glances one day we finally talk after class and I find that she's really smart, really interesting and really easy to talk to, which is all really good. I ask for her number but only get her email. Thats cool, she doesnt really know me at all. Getting a first date is crazy because she's really busy and finally, when I'm about to just give up and write it off, she emails me a fixed rendezvous and we meet. And its great. I mean, really obviously great. We talk for hours, we're totally comfortable and I already know that I'm gonna have it real bad for her. But I still dont have her number and getting a second date is as hard as getting the first one. Then she emails me that she needs some help editing a paper (she's french canadian, we both go to a french canadian university where she's french and studying english lit and I'm english studying french lit.) She suggests doing over the phone, (she lives one town over from me) gives me her number and that night we talk for hours. I suggest by the end that we meet up that weekend, but no go because she's leaving town to visit her family. So I suggest another night after the weekend (during the fall break). Shot down again, she already has plans on the two days I suggest and suggests Friday, but I work friday nights We dont make any plans to meet during the week either which sucks but she surprises me by coming into the cafe where i work the night before shes supposed to leave. We dont have much time to talk but I grab some conversation with her between serving other tables and she says, among other things that we "seem to really click" and that she finds me 'interesting.' That cant be bad. But when I suggest we go for a beer after my shift (which finishes in about a half hour) she cant, she wants to get to bed early. Shot down again, and yet, she seems really REALLY into me. Do you see why I'm confused? Before she leaves the cafe I say that, you know, it would be cool if we could find some time to meet up during the break and that she should call me when she gets back after the weekend. She says sure, but...doesnt call. Neither do I because I'm getting tired of chasing after her all the time. So finally, we see each other first class after the break, we talk, its great. We exchange some 'regards chauds', some lingering glances that make her visibly blush but after class I ask her if she wants to grab a coffee she's....busy (well, she really DID have a study group thing to go to but still, I'm getting really frustrated. So I tell her basically that I really like her company and...well...really wish I could get some more of it. She says we'll talk later. So here I am all adrift and the ball is once again in her court and I cant figure out what the mixed signals are about. Am I being too pushy? Too impatient? Does she actually have a boyfriend stashed somewhere? (I've considered the possibility but I dont think so). Or am I just too used to being in bed by the second date (most women I've dated here in Quebec seem to want to go really fast...) My friend Marie thinks I need to just relax, that her hesitancy might all be to the good, she just isnt in a hurry and that I should just leave the ball in her court and see what she does. What do you guys think? thanks in advance, salmagundi
Author salmagundi Posted October 31, 2007 Author Posted October 31, 2007 hmmm...didnt realize my post was so long, sorry... but still, anyone have any insight for me?
latefragment Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 I've had a lot of experiences like this. Not sure if I can add any help, besides, it sounds frustrating. She could very well be the kind of girl who wants to be doggedly pursued ... on the other hand, she could be the kind of person who is more irritated the more you pursue... ??? Unfortunately, she's not going to come out and tell you... This reminds me of some people I've encountered - one guy was king of mixed signals, talking about how we were in a relationship (not true, because he wanted to see me at *most* once a month and we live in the same city!!!) and another guy called me for 6 weeks but NEVER agreed to going on an actual date, besides our first date when we met (try to figure that one out). He'd say things like, "I'll see you tomorrow at 6" and then completely flake on the day of. This happened so many times. Of course I was too dumb to just ignore him.
garnet Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 To me it sounds like there is in fact some sort of interference going on, whether it be because of another man in her life (maybe long distance relationship?) or something else going on in her life that is making her hesitant about going on an actual date with you. I don't think she would have done the things she's done if she were not interested in you. But you've also made your interest abundantly clear to her. I really wouldn't do anything further at this point to pursue her. You don't want to come on too strong and scare her off, she already knows you like her. Just try to focus on other things and play it by ear. I know it's hard, but it does seem like the ball really is in her court. Once you inevitably have contact with her again, try to read the signals she's sending and take it from there based on what you pick up. Good luck.
Author salmagundi Posted October 31, 2007 Author Posted October 31, 2007 thanks for the responses. Latefragment, while I think she might be into pursuing her, I at least dont honestly think I'm annoying her. I honestly think she's into me, and maybe very into me. In any case, I actually backed off for the entire fall break and didnt pursue her, call her etc. I think Garnet's advice is right, I mean, there is something interfering in what I would expect to be the normal course of boy meets girl, boy dates girl etc, etc. Is it a boyfriend. That would suck if she still hasnt brought him up after all this time. If I had to guess, its more like we met out of the blue and shes afraid of this getting out of hand too quickly. But neither of us can really know. In any case, while maybe I shouldnt have, I already sent her an email. Dont worry, its really anodyne. I just asked her if she can help me correct a french paper this weekend (she owes me, anyway). But apart from that, I'll follow your advice and leave her be a bit until she gives me some other sign and that she is still interested. Of course thats easier said than done because, the fact is, I think about her all the time. I cant even concentrate in my classes anymore. This is normal, though, right? I hope I'm not becoming obsessive. I hate how falling for someone feels like I have some kind of mental disorder... anyway, until I hear from her, thanks, salmagundi
latefragment Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 I agree that she likes you - she's certainly sent those signals. Somehow though, she's kind of flaking... so yeah, I don't know. Could be she has a boyfriend or something, or that she's uncomfortable with getting involved with someone from work, even if you work different shifts... Let us know if she emails you back about correcting your french paper.
Author salmagundi Posted November 1, 2007 Author Posted November 1, 2007 hey latefragment, yeah, she's either got a boyfriend, is recently broken up, is unsure for some reason, has some kind of relationship issues or something. But I don't knw what. Its kinda like the elephant in the room... But any, she emailed me back, she's at least agreed to help me with my paper so we'll get together this weekend at some point. I hope she'll open up a bit when we see each other. I also hope I'll like what she has to say, I mean, I hope I'm not being pushy or forcing the issue too much, anyway, I'll keep you posted, salmagundi
latefragment Posted November 1, 2007 Posted November 1, 2007 good luck with this weekend salmagundi!!
Night is Long Posted November 2, 2007 Posted November 2, 2007 She is not making herself available to you which could indicate several things: 1) she's either into playing games and wants you to tire yourself out pursuing her - in which case you should avoid her. 2) She has a boyfriend stashed somewhere and loves the attention she is getting from you - in which case you should avoid her, and 3) She is using you to help her study for her exams - in which case you must determine if you are willing to be friend zoned.
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