ttree Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 Hey I've been reading alot of stories on here and I get the general impression that alot of people aren't being very proactive towards either winning someone back or alternatively moving on with their lives. Whats everyone elses thoughts? Are we all reacting to whats dealt to us rather than being proactive and seeking to make the most of the opportunities in our love lives? This could be starting to date other people or doing more that waiting for that special someone to make the phone ring. Does anyone else think we just sat back waiting for time to heal all wounds? NC alone won't help you move on-meeting new people and living life to the full will, additionally NC will not win someone back because they miss you, because out of sight generally does mean out of mind, so what else can we do to improve our situations which ever way we decide to go?
Rowen Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 I agree. I was wayyy too proacting at the outstart of my breakup which she didn't like. Becuase she wanted to be firm on her decision. Fair enough. She was a least nice about it. Anyway.. We had a period of two weeks of no contact, then light contact from then on... . It seems as though we're mending some areas, and we both can chat and not argue anymore which is nice. She knows ivebeen dry from alchohol for over a month and and she keeps asking. She also continues to ask about my life and what i'm up to in general. Il see where this goes. I try not to get my hopes up too high but wel see:) She was very guarded before in any contact I had with her.. she knew i was just trying to get her back right away without fixing anything about me. But now I think she knows i'm fixing areas of my life. The being dry is proof of that. Wish me luck folks.
Scorpio13c Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 Hi Ttree, I understand your questions & your lifted feelings right now, as i've too had many good feelings after my breakup, by being proactive(dating). The problem is that it sometimes it backfires on people & they end up feeling as bad or worse afterwords. Frankly, that's how i feel now unfortunately, after my last date didn't end up well. It certainly is uplifting while it goes well, but that's a emotional risk one takes in doing so. Have you dated since your breakup? I know you are actively trying to get your relationship back & sincerely hope it works out for you! Not everyone has the same emotional aptitude & may very well not be ready for that though. Some people really need to grieve for awhile i think. All my best to you though, i've read your posts & find them hopefull & uplifting for those of us still being hopeful! Thank you for that! Scorp
amazed Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 Ive certainly tried to be proactive. I cant just sit and do nothing. Ive also annoyed her at times but im trying to lay off now and give her more space. Which scares me, i get paranoid when she speaks to other guys. It happened today. We talk a lot, i guess its light contact atm, she cant admit she may still have feelings for me, she wants to be just friends. I still see her at university and chat on the internet. I still feel that spark when we're together. Im just hoping shes feeling it too. Ive tried to let her know ive changed but she says she still sees me as the person she split up with.
cant let go Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 i've been proactive to the point that i think it actually did more bad than good. my ex is under the impression that i would do anything to get him back (which isn't entirely untrue). i understood that we needed to break up to fix ourselves before we could work on the relationship. he has no desire to fix anything. he believes that once something is broke, it just means it is time to move on. he tells me now that he was always 100% sure that things wouldn't work out. he says i was a lot of fun and we had a good time, but he feels he could find someone else that would be even more fun and more suitable for him. and for the record, he's moved on so the fact that i can't be "happy for him" aggrevates him as well. he believes that i don't have his best interests in mind. i must accept that i cannot convince him that he needs to change his stubborn ways. i'm not ready to move on yet. it has been a month. i am planning some big changes in my life in the next few months but for now the pain is just to raw. best of luck to you all in your struggles.
Lee725 Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 Some people do find it hard to be pro active, especially early on.
Lee725 Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 I think it is really hard on some people to be pro active, especially really early on and for some people even months after the break up.... WARNING : ATTACK OF THE PESSIMIST BELOW (bad day hehehe) Before i go on just want to say that i am not always a pessimist.... just having a crappy day. You can not be pro active........ *when you wake up and your eyes wont open because you have been crying ALL NIGHT and besides that they are so swollen you cant see even if you did manage to get them to crack open. *It takes you ALL DAY to clean the house because you have managed to squeeze used tissues in every concieveable cavity in the place.. for the first time ever you find out you can flush 257 tissues down toilet at once and it does'nt block. *your legs wont function because you have had them curled underneath you on the lounge for 17 hours trying to distract yourself with TV and isnt it ironic that during these times, there is only EVER love stories on. *Your arms feel like tentacles hanging off a dead octopus because all your energy is being concentrated on keeping your heart beating. *Your rib cage feels like you have had an Autopsy done and you must have missed it. *You are sure that a labotomy took place last night because your brain cant get past them to find your undies let alone your mobile to call that person who said "let's catch up and chat .....it will make it better". *The mere thought of perhaps running into them frightens you into a darkened corner, even tho YOU KNOW that they are 100 kilometres away, you stare out from the darkness, panting like a werewolf. *You start a conversation with someone, notice that they have blue eyes, completely ignore what they are saying because your mind has drifted back to seventeen dinners ago when he looked at you across the table and said "Glass of wine?"...
Author ttree Posted October 31, 2007 Author Posted October 31, 2007 Hi Ttree, I understand your questions & your lifted feelings right now, as i've too had many good feelings after my breakup, by being proactive(dating). The problem is that it sometimes it backfires on people & they end up feeling as bad or worse afterwords. Frankly, that's how i feel now unfortunately, after my last date didn't end up well. It certainly is uplifting while it goes well, but that's a emotional risk one takes in doing so. Have you dated since your breakup? I know you are actively trying to get your relationship back & sincerely hope it works out for you! Not everyone has the same emotional aptitude & may very well not be ready for that though. Some people really need to grieve for awhile i think. All my best to you though, i've read your posts & find them hopefull & uplifting for those of us still being hopeful! Thank you for that! Scorp Hey, Sorry to hear your date didn't go so well. Yes I hear you on the part where you say its uplifting until the plan backfires (something I am currently waiting for...braced for impact just in case) In answer to your question about have I dated, I can say yes. I went on dates with some really great guys, attractive, eligible, intelligent etc who had all of the things that I would normally go for but this time I realised actually these guys aren't what you want, thats why your not interested in them. I know sometimes I can sound like I hate the idea of NC, in fact its completely the opposite. I usually go NC through my own choice straight after the breakup and never look back. This is only the first time I've ever decided to break my own NC rule and go speak to an ex. Its usually them who contact me and get no response. NC and dating other people can help you move on, because you soon meet someone new. That said I'm not entirelt convinced by those who date immediately when clearly on a rebound, and also I'm not entirely sure that even 3, 4, 5 partners down the line that your love for someone else stops I think it just dims but doesn't go out. Certainly starting to date again, means that you are putting yourself out these and hence leaving yourself open for injury but thats a risk we all take at some point sooner or later, don't be brought down when a date doesn't go too well, its just part of moving on and there'll be another date with someone else that will go far better I'm sure. I always try to thik after a bad date, that in a huge world of millions of people and you're trying to find that one soul mate, you have a lot of searching to do. So your date didnt go so well, at least you've crossed that person off you list as being that one soul mate, your odds of the next guy/girl being it just went up! Some of the responses already show how proactive some of us can be, especially Rowan's...well done on going dry. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with your lady!
Scorpio13c Posted November 1, 2007 Posted November 1, 2007 Hey, Sorry to hear your date didn't go so well. Thank you Yes I hear you on the part where you say its uplifting until the plan backfires (something I am currently waiting for...braced for impact just in case) Are you talking about the dating part, or getting your ex back part? In answer to your question about have I dated, I can say yes. I went on dates with some really great guys, attractive, eligible, intelligent etc who had all of the things that I would normally go for but this time I realised actually these guys aren't what you want, thats why your not interested in them. I'm wondering though, why you went on these dates? I did with a sincere will to hopefully catch a spark that i hadn't felt in a long time. I don't know if your ex split with you or vice versa? But the sake of just dating, i think is not as risky as "Looking for love" again, you know what i mean? Otherwise you're just leading someone on. That's where i'm talking about taking a emotional risk. I know sometimes I can sound like I hate the idea of NC, in fact its completely the opposite. I usually go NC through my own choice straight after the breakup and never look back. This is only the first time I've ever decided to break my own NC rule and go speak to an ex. Its usually them who contact me and get no response. I am the same way & this time was no different. However, my experience with NC has always been that an ex contacts me after i've met/was in a relationship with someone else, almost every time. NC and dating other people can help you move on, because you soon meet someone new. That said I'm not entirelt convinced by those who date immediately when clearly on a rebound, and also I'm not entirely sure that even 3, 4, 5 partners down the line that your love for someone else stops I think it just dims but doesn't go out. I completely agree with you here, but not everyone is emotionally strong enough to do this, especially if it soon after the breakup. Certainly starting to date again, means that you are putting yourself out these and hence leaving yourself open for injury but thats a risk we all take at some point sooner or later, don't be brought down when a date doesn't go too well, its just part of moving on and there'll be another date with someone else that will go far better I'm sure. I don't think you've experienced the hurt involved when this does happen & i think it's because you went on dates knowing in your mind that you wanted your ex back, so you were'n't completely vulnerable. But am happy for you that you didn't feel pain of rejection, if that was the case. I always try to thik after a bad date, that in a huge world of millions of people and you're trying to find that one soul mate, you have a lot of searching to do. So your date didnt go so well, at least you've crossed that person off you list as being that one soul mate, your odds of the next guy/girl being it just went up! I agree & thanks for reminding me! Some of the responses already show how proactive some of us can be, especially Rowan's...well done on going dry. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with your lady! I think if you were dumped, the best proactive thing to do for yourself, is go into no contact. To me anyway, that is my own natural defense & i believe yours to, from what you have said. Please keep us posted Ttee, as to your outcome with your ex. I think a lot of people who are hoping to reconcile will be interested in the results of your experience! Scorp
Scorpio13c Posted November 1, 2007 Posted November 1, 2007 So sorry my muti-quoting didn't work, but that is supposed to be it above hopefully you can read/clear this up Ttee Thanks Scorp
Author ttree Posted November 1, 2007 Author Posted November 1, 2007 Hi Scorpio No worries your post wasn't too hard to follow. Right let me start by answering some of your questions. It was my ex who broke up with me, so as is usually the case under these circumstances I took it harder than he did. I suffered from what I like to call "wild woman recovery syndrome" (WWRS). This is when you slouch about the house in pyjamas for a week, your hair hasn't seen a brush, and your face is puffy from all the crying you've done. the WWRS lasted about a week at which point I took the action to clean myself up, get my hair done, get my nails done, see some friends and stop wallowing in my own self pity. A while later I did start to date again, and although I was not actively looking for love I was open to the idea of finding it again if any one of those guys had the right qualities. This may seem a very cold way to approach dating but this is how I usually do it. I have never actively looked for love as I don't believe you can force it, Love is a haphazard thing that we stumble across when we least expect it. Additionally I don't look for love as I don't need it, I am happy enough in my single life and have enough love for myself to manage without the love of someone else, the fact that I want it is a different matter completely That said these guys I dated despite being very attractive and very eligible were seemingly boring to me once I got on the date. It became very apparent to me very quickly that I was searching for that special someone, unfortunately I had already found him and lost him. Hence why I decided to go against my own rules and break the silence, I wouldnt usually do this but I have a genuine belief that I could happily spend the rest of my life with this man. I don't argue that NC is not a great approach if you want too move on and find someone new, but I think it is nieve to preach a one size fits all remedy for heartache. For many people on this site NC is the best way forward as the upheaval of dealing with an ex can be too traumatic, but on the flip side, many on this site will want to remain in contact and try to rekindle a relationship. So long as your choice is considered and is harmless then either approach is great way to go. However I think it is also important to bear in mind that being procative in your actions and decisions is about, making the best of your choices, Rowan has the right idea, giving up drink is a really proactive approach for both him personally as well as trying to win his partner back. For those not wanting to get back together, the opportunity to be proactive is just as available, go the gym get in shape, meet new people, here you are taking a proactive approach to enriching your own life. Just remember that staying proactive will keep you positive!
Scorpio13c Posted November 2, 2007 Posted November 2, 2007 Hi Ttee, I guess i'm a little confused with your "Proactive" question then. Which do you mean about being proactive, getting your ex back, or dating? Your ex broke up with you, why? I'm sorry i haven't read your original thread, if there is one about your breakup. Rowan's actions i don't consider proactive, more reactive. Can someone please tell me how to properly Multi Qoute? You see, i don't think you know what it is like to lay yourself on the line again by dating, as i think whilst you did date, you still had visions of getting back with your ex. Thus, you really had nothing to lose emotionally. Know what i mean? I think that is why you are very positive(which i admire), however, i warn you that the card stack can all fall down, when you are said "Proactive" & things seem to be going as planned, then don't. Scorp
Author ttree Posted November 2, 2007 Author Posted November 2, 2007 Hi Scorpio. I can't say I disagree that perhaps I wasnt wholly committed to the idea of finding love, but I can honestly say I had no hope of getting back with my ex and didn't want to at that point as being with him was when we were together was in the end very difficult. He broke up with me because I had alot of negative issues in my life and because of that I was very dependant and reliant on him in a bad way and these would cause arguements, but it was clear when we broke up that there was no bad feelings between us as niether of us had wronged the other. It was just the case that my situation had meant the relationship was unworkable at that time. When I talk about being proactive I actually mean being proactive about sorting your life out in general after a breakup, some individuals will try and make another go of their relationships and others will decide to move on. When I talk about being proactive I mean proactively getting your life back on track and better than it was before for your own benefit. I only ask this as having read many post on LS, I have noticed that many individuals out there seem to believe that by sitting back and doing nothing is a good approach to life, for example that just by having NC they will be able to move on, or alternatively by having NC will cause someone to run back to you. Neither of these are the case. Surely the quickest and easiest way to both win someone back or to move on is to make the most of your own life and better yourself.
Scorpio13c Posted November 2, 2007 Posted November 2, 2007 Hey Ttree, I understand you. What changed in your mind to wanting him back? Like most of us, things are usually cold & callous towards the end, prior to the breakup, that's exactly how it was for me too. I'm the one who said it was finished, but she was the one who really ended it, by doing the the exact same things your ex did - being cold, callous, aloof, un-caring/loving, argumentative & distant. I really wish you'd stop blaming yourself for being the whole cause of the breakup, as i can almost guarantee you, he is to blame as well. Part of truely being proactive, is re-establishing your confidence & SELF ESTEEM. The whole NC thing is very hard, but it does help with that. Many people felt they had a great life already, while they were in their relationship, when that ended, they didn't(and don't usually) have the immediate energy/will or general want, to improve their lives beacause that is what was taken away from them in the first place. No contact helps them to grieve this. What is your situation currently with your ex? Are you making any headway? I hope you are, but please be sure, reconciling is what you really want, O.k.? Take care of yourself first! Scorpio
Author ttree Posted November 3, 2007 Author Posted November 3, 2007 Hey It was strange really once I started ating i'd stumble across things that would come up in conversation which I would think oh my ex knows about that, or oh you work in IT so does my ex, obviously I wasn't stupid enough to insult my dates by blurting out these random comments. After a few moments like this I found myself wondering what my ex was up to, whether he'd landed a new job, had he managed to fix his car, was he happy, so in the end I just spoke to him. I guess I am in a fortunate position compared to many people on here, when my ex and I broke up we agreed that we would speak in a month or two when things had calmed down on the understanding that in the meantime we would go NC, so a months and a bit passed and now we have met up, and have agreed to speak again in a week. I seem to have described our situation very poorly, yes there are always 2 parties in a break up, but there is always a root to every problem, you mention that my ex was distant, arguementative and unloving. It was in fact me that kept pushing him away one minute then become very dependant on him the next, I guess he didnt know where he stood with me. I don't contest the fact that NC is a great way to get some time and space; out of sight, out of mind afterall. But I don't think NC is enough to get your self esteem back, this would imply that your ex was a validation of your existence and gave you self esteem, and I am sure that this is not the case. By going NC but not making any additional efforts to improve your life things won't change. Your esteem wont improve. By going NC and making adjustments in your life, like making new friends, taking up painting or getting a makeover to make yourself happy that will get your esteem back.
Scorpio13c Posted November 4, 2007 Posted November 4, 2007 Hi Ttree, You are right, you do have a unique opportunity that many here don't, that being that you two left a door open for future negotiations. With regards to NC & regaining self esteem, many people as a result of going through a breakup, lose their confidence & self esteem, especially if the breakup came as a surprise. Others lost their confidence & esteem during the relationship, due to their partners behaviour towards them. Based on that, one could argue that contrary to popular belief, confidence & esteem can be affected & imho, are affected by close relationships to others, whether it be positive or negative. Either way, NC helps to counter balance the influence, especially negative, that one's ex may have had on their esteem. I do agree with your suggesting that individuals should pursue other activities to be proactive, however i'm also saying that for many newly broken-hearted, NC is a form of being proactive, they're not allowing the negatives of their past hinder their future & allowing themselves to greive without interrupting the process. Scorp
bigheartkindsoul Posted November 4, 2007 Posted November 4, 2007 I just did no contact as a matter of course for me, not seeing his name on MSN everyday or waiting for the text that would never come meant I was able to indeed be proactive about healing. But also I have been very proactive about getting myself better, getting more socialable once more, getting fitter, getting ones health back, but also making sure I was healed enough and strong enough to be able to date again because to date you have to be strong enough to handle rejection for one, also you surely must have an open heart and not one that is closed off or partly closed off because you still have feelings for the ex. To be honest although it was and has been tough to deal with (the break up - he left me btw when I was rather ill) I will not be winning him back in anyway, and actually am glad I didn't end up marrying someone who was just not capable of living the marriage vows, in sickness & in health, for better for worse, and so on and so forth. I am happy with myself, happy with my job, happy with my life right now - a SO or dating partner would just be an added bonus.
Scorpio13c Posted November 4, 2007 Posted November 4, 2007 I just did no contact as a matter of course for me, not seeing his name on MSN everyday or waiting for the text that would never come meant I was able to indeed be proactive about healing. But also I have been very proactive about getting myself better, getting more socialable once more, getting fitter, getting ones health back, but also making sure I was healed enough and strong enough to be able to date again because to date you have to be strong enough to handle rejection for one, also you surely must have an open heart and not one that is closed off or partly closed off because you still have feelings for the ex. To be honest although it was and has been tough to deal with (the break up - he left me btw when I was rather ill) I will not be winning him back in anyway, and actually am glad I didn't end up marrying someone who was just not capable of living the marriage vows, in sickness & in health, for better for worse, and so on and so forth. I am happy with myself, happy with my job, happy with my life right now - a SO or dating partner would just be an added bonus. Hi Bigheart, You're doing just fine & you're just like me with the no contact thing, it being just a instinctive thing to do. I don't think you are ready for dating though, give it a bit of time..) Scorp
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