birdmadgirl Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 I've been seeing someone for exactly a month (the same individual I talked about in my earlier threads, if you've read any of them). He tells me all about his fears, his hopes, and his dreams. He's affectionate, he wants to spend a moderate-to-large amount of time together, and he didn't try to make things physical until a week ago. The open and honest quality of the relationship we've established thus far has given me the impetus to really care about him, but is that appropriate? He says he likes the influence I'm having in his life and that he has lots of positive feelings toward me, too, but that smacks of "I just want to be friends," or some other non-committal tripe (no offense to those who have used the line genuinely). I know it's too soon to ask for a commitment (too soon for me, anyway), but I'd at least like to know where I stand (i.e. whether or not the possibility of a relationship even exists). What should I do? What have any of you done in similar situations? Nobody can predict the future, and that's not what I'm asking for. I'm simply terrified of making further emotional investment in this individual if there's no possibility of it growing into something more. Would it be kosher to address this so soon?
AlwaysLost Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 What ever you do, do NOT talk about this yet. If you have to, pull back a little bit in your mind, maybe put a tiny bit of distance between you until you can get a handle on your emotions. The best advice I got on this board so far is Dont put the cart before the horse. Let it evolve naturally and organically and see where it goes. If its meant to be its meant to be, and you will know soon what his intentions are just by his actions - no need to discuss yet. IMHO
troutie jr Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 You say that the relationship is open and honest. You should be able to talk about where this is going without feeling uncomfortable.
Lovegod Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 he didn't try to make things physical until a week ago. That's your sign right there that he wants more than friendship. I know men are 5hit for trying to convey the "right" message across (or the message that you'd want) but if a guy is interested in you sexually, the idea of a "just friends" relationship shouldn't even be questioned. He says he likes the influence I'm having in his life and that he has lots of positive feelings toward me, too, but that smacks of "I just want to be friends," That's your interpretation of what he said, and it's a really bad interpretation. Do you really think it would be a good idea for him to say "I wanna bang he hell out of you right now"? Probably not. This is his extremely toned-down version of it, the politically-correct and friendly way to say that he's attracted to you.
Author birdmadgirl Posted October 30, 2007 Author Posted October 30, 2007 You've all made excellent points. I'd like to address LoveGod specifically, though, as I'm afraid my interpretation may have been... misinterpreted. Heh. I agree with you totally that he's interested in more than simply being friends, but that doesn't necessarily mean that he's interested in an actual relationship. I don't knock the Friends With Benefits arrangement, but I do know that it's not for me. And yes, in retrospect, I'm sure that if that's all he wanted, he'd have sealed the deal well before three weeks passed. I guess I'm sort of considering all the possibilities before I bring this up with him, and I don't want to go falling in love with someone who isn't receptive to that sort of thing. Better to get this out of the way now than to form unnecessary attachments that will only serve to annoy him and hurt me... right? Man, it's been a long time since I've felt this clueless. Heh.
Lovegod Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 Men looking for FB relationships aren't going to put up with dancing around the subject of sex for a horribly long period of time. He's probably looking for a "relationship" but is being cautious not to "move too quickly". IMO, you're fine to go ahead and pursue a relationship with this guy. He doesn't sound like an alpha-a55hole like me, but he doesn't sound like a wimpy girly-man. He seems like a nice balance between the two. And he's attracted to you. Go for it.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 I've been seeing someone for exactly a month (the same individual I talked about in my earlier threads, if you've read any of them). He tells me all about his fears, his hopes, and his dreams. He's affectionate, he wants to spend a moderate-to-large amount of time together, and he didn't try to make things physical until a week ago. The open and honest quality of the relationship we've established thus far has given me the impetus to really care about him, but is that appropriate? He says he likes the influence I'm having in his life and that he has lots of positive feelings toward me, too, but that smacks of "I just want to be friends," or some other non-committal tripe (no offense to those who have used the line genuinely). I know it's too soon to ask for a commitment (too soon for me, anyway), but I'd at least like to know where I stand (i.e. whether or not the possibility of a relationship even exists). What should I do? What have any of you done in similar situations? Nobody can predict the future, and that's not what I'm asking for. I'm simply terrified of making further emotional investment in this individual if there's no possibility of it growing into something more. Would it be kosher to address this so soon? Sounds to me like these are the words of a person who can't resist stepping into her own way! * He likes and wants to spend time with you * He didn't paw all over you immediately, but waited a reasonable amount of time to be physical * He is clearly reprioritizing his own life to make YOU the main priority and incentive (and he is proud of that) !! * He refrains from blurting every bit of feeeeeeeelings and long-term visions that he seems to have, in favor of a more moderate approach, in case that would be seen by you as being 'too much too soon'. All I can tell you is to stoppit at once !!! - you are putting a good thing in jeopardy by trying to see signs of imperfection where his signals are very heart-warming. The big one is that he likes the effect YOU are having on his life. (that has nothing to do with you making cookies for him, or washing behind his ears, or the like - it is HIM... motivating himSELF... to be a better person... beCAUSE of you!!) You need to stop and imagine what it is for OTHERS to be to-tal-ly inspired to better themselves, FOR (and because of) YOUUUUUUUUUUU! Recall the times when you were giddy with excitement and anticipation over some guy in the past, and remember how much your insides were filled by a glow, that seemed to reduce your appetite in a healthy way, and to motivate your every step to be higher and bolder. NOW put aside your resistance to believe that someone ELSE could possibly be THAT WARMED BY THOUGHTS OF YOUUUUUUUUU !!
Author birdmadgirl Posted October 30, 2007 Author Posted October 30, 2007 To SincereOnlineGuy: Wow. I can honestly say that of all the possibilities I've stopped to consider, that is (sadly) not among them. Thank you.
Star Gazer Posted October 30, 2007 Posted October 30, 2007 Sounds to me like these are the words of a person who can't resist stepping into her own way! * He likes and wants to spend time with you * He didn't paw all over you immediately, but waited a reasonable amount of time to be physical * He is clearly reprioritizing his own life to make YOU the main priority and incentive (and he is proud of that) !! * He refrains from blurting every bit of feeeeeeeelings and long-term visions that he seems to have, in favor of a more moderate approach, in case that would be seen by you as being 'too much too soon'. All I can tell you is to stoppit at once !!! - you are putting a good thing in jeopardy by trying to see signs of imperfection where his signals are very heart-warming. The big one is that he likes the effect YOU are having on his life. (that has nothing to do with you making cookies for him, or washing behind his ears, or the like - it is HIM... motivating himSELF... to be a better person... beCAUSE of you!!) You need to stop and imagine what it is for OTHERS to be to-tal-ly inspired to better themselves, FOR (and because of) YOUUUUUUUUUUU! Recall the times when you were giddy with excitement and anticipation over some guy in the past, and remember how much your insides were filled by a glow, that seemed to reduce your appetite in a healthy way, and to motivate your every step to be higher and bolder. NOW put aside your resistance to believe that someone ELSE could possibly be THAT WARMED BY THOUGHTS OF YOUUUUUUUUU !! I absolutely loved this response. Although not perfectly apropos of my own situation, it definitely hits home...
Author birdmadgirl Posted October 30, 2007 Author Posted October 30, 2007 I absolutely loved this response. Wasn't it fantastic? Very eye-opening for me, actually.
Author birdmadgirl Posted October 31, 2007 Author Posted October 31, 2007 Briefly... I called him last night. I did not talk to him about anything, but I invited him over. After an exaggerated pause, he said, "I'm doing laundry tonight. Maybe some other time." After having spent the day obsessing over whether or not to ask him what he wants out of this (and subsequently convincing myself that the answer to that question was probably "nothing" or, at best, "I don't know"), that was all I needed to hear. Immediately, I went into full-on self-preservation mode. Very cheerfully, I said, "Cool! Well, just let me know if you want to get together sometime." He paused again and said, "Well, I guess I could come over tomorrow or Thursday. When do you guys have practice again?" I told him that it would be Thursday this week. Then - noting his emphasis on "I guess" - I added, "You know, it's not like you're obligated to come over. I'd just like to see you." He laughed and said, "It's not like that. How about this: "I want to come see you tomorrow or Thursday." His tone picked up after that, but I was never really able to get my mind back to a place where I believed he actually wanted to spend time with me or that this meant anything more to him than just hanging out with someone who could relate to a lot of what he has to deal with creatively. A few years ago, I'd have driven myself batsh*t trying to convince this guy that I'm a Great Catch™. Today, I'm ready to delete his number from my phone, despite the fact that he's honestly the first person I've dated in YEARS in whom I've had genuine interest. Sad, eh?
shadowplay Posted October 31, 2007 Posted October 31, 2007 I read your other threads and honestly it sounds like this guy has some major issues. I wouldn't continue to see him. The last time a guy I was dating didn't want to have sex with me he turned out to be gay. In most cases it's a major red flag if they're so hesitant to get physical. It's just not normal for a healthy, straight guy.
Author birdmadgirl Posted October 31, 2007 Author Posted October 31, 2007 In most cases it's a major red flag if they're so hesitant to get physical. It's just not normal for a healthy, straight guy. Hmmm. With all due respect, Shadowplay, not all men who don't want to have sex immediately are gay. Not even most of them. Perhaps that's the case in your experience, and truthfully, it's been my experience, as well. But I've since learned that not everyone expresses their desire to get to know someone of the opposite sex by bedding them right out of the chute. Generalizing (as well as making current boyfriends pay for the transgressions of boyfriends past) is what has hurt me in every single relationship I've ever had, so I am forcing myself to apply the lessons I've learned here, even if it kills me. Granted, I might be inclined to question his sexuality as well if we hadn't almost done the deed a handful of times before it actually happened. Anything is possible, I suppose, which is why I'm not completely discounting your theory. I'm just getting more of a, I'm-not-into-YOU vibe than I am a, I'm-not-into-girls vibe. To explain it all here would take more time than I have at the moment (not to mention more patience than I think anyone here has), but I think I've seen enough to know that he is at least heterosexual. Just probably not interested in having an actual relationship. Not with me, anyway. Heh.
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